Author Topic: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch  (Read 10173 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

BettyDraper

  • Guest
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #60 on: August 16, 2010, 06:11:11 PM »
BettyDraper, can you stop with the hyperbole, please?

There is a huge difference between:
  • background checks
  • Birth certificates checks
  • credit checks
  • thinking a date a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer or identity thief

And just wanting the most basic of facts about someone you're supposed to be trying to connect with.

What does "If he would like about that, who knows what ELSE he would lie about," mean, then?  He'd lie about his favorite TV show?  What sports team he bet on in the last office pool?  Of course not; the people who said that clearly were insinuating he'd lie about marital status or legal matters like taxes, and at least one person used the phrase "prey on" to describe a liar's behavior.  I'm not the source of the hyperbole; the hyperbole is in claiming that one has been so put out by having a brief coffee date with a guy who kids himself he's 15 years younger that it's OK to try to thwart his future connections (or ability to "prey" on others by using an old photo or mis-stating is age.)  It's OK to be irked or exasperated or pitying, just not to retaliate as the woman scorned.  IMHO.

Let me put it another way:  I would bet anything I own that if 50-plus percent of the people on online dating sites found out that someone they met whom they found totally hot, interesting, desirable, available, and fun to be with had lied about his age plus or minus 10 years, they would rationalize it one way or the other because of their strong attraction to the man.  But let a dumpy middle-aged guy try it and bam!  Report him to the authorities!  Why not just let the guy go on his way?  Maybe the next person he meets won't care. 

PeasNCues

  • Mind your PeasNCues!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7366
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #61 on: August 16, 2010, 06:17:58 PM »
As one of those people who agree with what else he would lie about, please see my previous comments. If I am trying to conneect with someone, i need to be able to trust that they would not lie about the most basic things about themselves even if, yes, they are a total hottie.

Your second paragraph is a huge assumption and kind of insulting. I would not act like that and everyone I know would be offended if they walked in and realized they'd been lied to.
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

http://inanitiesofanidlemind.blogspot.com/

Emmy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3797
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #62 on: August 16, 2010, 06:25:05 PM »
Maybe somebody telling a lie on a dating site isn't a big deal if you only plan to meet once or want a no strings attached relationship.  However, many people, including myself went online as a way to meet new people and possibly start a relationship.  I would have felt very disappointed and tricked if I invested a significant amount of time getting to know somebody only to find out they lied from the start.  I would also rather go out with somebody who is honest and a dud than somebody who is only interesting because they lied about who they were (although neither situation is ideal).  Even if the lie is fairly insignificant, like a college degree from 25 years ago, the willingness to lie and trick people shows poor character.  It is only natural not to trust somebody once they lied about something major in their online profile.  I do feel honesty and the ability to trust your partner is crucial for a relationship.  I wouldn't report a white lie to a moderator, such as somebody lying about his height by a few inches or his weight by a few pounds, but if somebody told a big whopper, I would be very likely to report it.

My friend had a blind date who was a poster child for online lying when we were in college.  She was chatting with 'Jeff' who claimed to be college age on yahoo and agreed to meet him at a popular nightclub.  This was before most people had pictures, so they just described themselves physically and agreed on a time to meet.  I accompanied my friend to the nightclub, but we never found Jeff.  We just figured the club was crowded and we missed each other.  Unwisely my friend agreed to have Jeff come over her campus apartment the next night and he would take her out to dinner.  When Jeff did come, my friend got a surprise.  Jeff was 50 something and married.  He wanted to stay in her apartment and fool around, but she made him leave.  

noexitwounds

  • She of the Radically Different Perspective
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1993
  • I have a plan. I just haven't thought of it yet.
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #63 on: August 16, 2010, 06:25:26 PM »
BettyDraper, can you stop with the hyperbole, please?

There is a huge difference between:
  • background checks
  • Birth certificates checks
  • credit checks
  • thinking a date a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer or identity thief

And just wanting the most basic of facts about someone you're supposed to be trying to connect with.

What does "If he would like about that, who knows what ELSE he would lie about," mean, then?  He'd lie about his favorite TV show?  What sports team he bet on in the last office pool?  Of course not; the people who said that clearly were insinuating he'd lie about marital status or legal matters like taxes, and at least one person used the phrase "prey on" to describe a liar's behavior.  I'm not the source of the hyperbole; the hyperbole is in claiming that one has been so put out by having a brief coffee date with a guy who kids himself he's 15 years younger that it's OK to try to thwart his future connections (or ability to "prey" on others by using an old photo or mis-stating is age.)  It's OK to be irked or exasperated or pitying, just not to retaliate as the woman scorned.  IMHO.

Let me put it another way:  I would bet anything I own that if 50-plus percent of the people on online d@ting sites found out that someone they met whom they found totally hot, interesting, desirable, available, and fun to be with had lied about his age plus or minus 10 years, they would rationalize it one way or the other because of their strong attraction to the man.  But let a dumpy middle-aged guy try it and bam!  Report him to the authorities!  Why not just let the guy go on his way?  Maybe the next person he meets won't care.

Who knows what else he would lie about does, yes, refer to things like marital status. Like age, marital status is something that is often lied about on d@ting sites. Unlike age, which is fairly self-evident, marital system could be concealed for months or even years of a serious rel@tionship if the man was discreet or clever enough.

Let us not forget this man didn't merely put an old photo of himself on the site, he also listed an age in line with the photo and not in line with current reality. At a 10 year age difference that is fairly significant -- it can impact his ability to have and raise children, impact the likelihood of how soon age related illnesses effect him, and/or impact the dynamics of the rel@tionship. It's not misrepresenting himself on the level of lying about his favorite color or even his c*ck size. For a woman who is seeking a man of her own age only to discover a man significantly older than her this has served to completely waste her time. For a woman that shrugs it off, it may later come out that, yes, he is married or has a significant amount of debt he hasn't disclosed or any number of other things, or it may not. What IS a fact is that this man is willing to lie about basic, important facts about himself in order to make himself more attractive to potential dates (and I challenge you to categorize that in some other way than luring in potential mates by lying about basic facts one should reasonably be expected not to lie about). And, quite honestly, many -- the majority -- of people who use online d@ting pay sites are looking for more than someone to fool around with. For that they could use Craigslist or any number of free hook-up sites; a pay site, like Cupid, is an investment and that investment usually reflects the desire to become involved in a (romantic) rel@tionship with another person.

Either way, the man is almost certainly violating the EULA he signed when he began using the site and for that alone there is complete justification to report him -- and not as a "woman scorned" but as a person who feels that someone violating a EULA has no respect for what the site is all about and obviously doesn't care about following rules/keeping an agreement he made. Someone who violates a EULA like that doesn't belong on the site and the moderators/owners of the site should be made aware of it.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2010, 06:29:35 PM by noexitwounds »
Did you know that cats can make one thousand different sounds and dogs can only make ten? Cats, man. Not to be trusted. -- Jake Jensen, The Losers

BettyDraper

  • Guest
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #64 on: August 16, 2010, 06:34:01 PM »
Maybe somebody telling a lie on a d@ting site isn't a big deal if you only plan to meet once or want a no strings attached rel@tionship.  However, many people, including myself went online as a way to meet new people and possibly start a rel@tionship.  I would have felt very disappointed and tricked if I invested a significant amount of time getting to know somebody only to find out they lied from the start.  I would also rather go out with somebody who is honest and a dud than somebody who is only interesting because they lied about who they were (although neither situation is ideal).  Even if the lie is fairly insignificant, like a college degree from 25 years ago, the willingness to lie and trick people shows poor character.  It is only natural not to trust somebody once they lied about something major in their online profile.  I do feel honesty and the ability to trust your partner is crucial for a rel@tionship.  I wouldn't report a white lie to a moderator, such as somebody lying about his height by a few inches or his weight by a few pounds, but if somebody told a big whopper, I would be very likely to report it.

My friend had a blind date who was a poster child for online lying when we were in college.  She was chatting with 'Jeff' who claimed to be college age on yahoo and agreed to meet him at a popular nightclub.  This was before most people had pictures, so they just described themselves physically and agreed on a time to meet.  I accompanied my friend to the nightclub, but we never found Jeff.  We just figured the club was crowded and we missed each other.  Unwisely my friend agreed to have Jeff come over her campus apartment the next night and he would take her out to dinner.  When Jeff did come, my friend got a surprise.  Jeff was 50 something and married.  He wanted to stay in her apartment and fool around, but she made him leave.  

Right.  And many people don't.  So why not just move on instead of playing judge and jury when this guy might fit someone else's needs perfectly well.  What is a big whopper to you might be insignificant to someone else. 

PeasNCues

  • Mind your PeasNCues!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7366
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #65 on: August 16, 2010, 06:40:36 PM »
Most dating cites I have been on, it is against the rules to misrepresent yourself.

If it is against the rules of the forum, report it.

Otherwise, I guess it's ok to let him go ahead and waste 5 other women's time in his quest for the one woman who doesn't mind being bamboozled.
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

http://inanitiesofanidlemind.blogspot.com/

ydpubs

  • Has a fine singing voice.
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3364
  • Reading the threads here makes me hungry.
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #66 on: August 16, 2010, 06:41:47 PM »
This would explain why some personal ads state: Recent Photos only. Cause something like this could happen.
No matter where you go, there you are...

ydpubs

  • Has a fine singing voice.
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3364
  • Reading the threads here makes me hungry.
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #67 on: August 16, 2010, 06:47:27 PM »
And if it were me and I found he'd liked significantly about his age I would report it to the website or company because most of those places do have a policy about misrepresenting oneself. 10 years difference in age is a big one.
No matter where you go, there you are...

BettyDraper

  • Guest
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #68 on: August 16, 2010, 06:56:39 PM »
Most d@ting cites I have been on, it is against the rules to misrepresent yourself.

If it is against the rules of the forum, report it.

Otherwise, I guess it's ok to let him go ahead and waste 5 other women's time in his quest for the one woman who doesn't mind being bamboozled.

So you do approve of birth-certificate checks?  (Otherwise how do you know for sure the misrepresentation took place? The OP wasn't sure; she was just disappointed by his looks and assumed he was far older than he claimed. That's pretty flimsy evidence for accusing someone of fraud, esp. if they've paid to be on a particular site.)


PeasNCues

  • Mind your PeasNCues!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7366
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #69 on: August 16, 2010, 07:07:31 PM »
Most d@ting cites I have been on, it is against the rules to misrepresent yourself.

If it is against the rules of the forum, report it.

Otherwise, I guess it's ok to let him go ahead and waste 5 other women's time in his quest for the one woman who doesn't mind being bamboozled.

So you do approve of birth-certificate checks?  (Otherwise how do you know for sure the misrepresentation took place? The OP wasn't sure; she was just disappointed by his looks and assumed he was far older than he claimed. That's pretty flimsy evidence for accusing someone of fraud, esp. if they've paid to be on a particular site.)

I would report them to the site because I, personally, would have clarified their age on the date. In my experience, they will come clean when confronted and treat it as a joke. So, no, I don't approve of birth-certificate checks, thanks.

Furthermore, I think a person of reasonable intelligence can tell when a significant amount of time has passed since a photo was taken and the end result in front of you.
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

http://inanitiesofanidlemind.blogspot.com/

BettyDraper

  • Guest
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #70 on: August 16, 2010, 07:14:03 PM »
I would need more than a reasonable guestimate to use as evidence to impugn someone's reputation to a third party.  Easier just to live and let live.  People who live in glass houses, and all that.  I'm sure most of us would be disappointing in some regard or another to a blind date. 

PeasNCues

  • Mind your PeasNCues!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7366
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #71 on: August 16, 2010, 07:18:11 PM »
I would need more than a reasonable guestimate to use as evidence to impugn someone's reputation to a third party.  Easier just to live and let live.  People who live in glass houses, and all that.  I'm sure most of us would be disappointing in some regard or another to a blind date. 
Most of us would not have orchestrated the source of that disappointment by showing a lack of respect for the other person.

As I said, I would clarify before reporting. But, that's just me. If a reasonable deduction is not sufficient for you, that's fine. But it's not as if we're suggesting a huge logical leap, here.
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

http://inanitiesofanidlemind.blogspot.com/

Amava

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4751
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #72 on: August 16, 2010, 07:18:37 PM »
My question is: do you have any evidence that he is not the age he claims to be?

People can look much older or much younger than they really are.
And some people look a lot different in pics than they do in real life.

PeasNCues

  • Mind your PeasNCues!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7366
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #73 on: August 16, 2010, 07:32:08 PM »
If you ask, that's a pretty clear indicator.  ;D

Also, I think if there is a significant discrepency in the pictures, that's pretty clear too.
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

http://inanitiesofanidlemind.blogspot.com/

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12774
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #74 on: August 16, 2010, 08:20:29 PM »
My thoughts on "what else he would lie about" were more along the lines of medical history (STDs or chronic health problems); existence of or number of children; preferences for opposite, same, either, both, multiple partners, or juggling mutiple rel@ationships without mentioning Suzy to Hal, or Hal to the twins Barb & Betty, and certainly not Sarissa & Sammy the Serpent (five foot boa)................and similar more "interesting" but not always illegal things - like tax evasion, being wanted for murdering past dates & burying them in the vegetable garden because they just can't bear to break up......... or whatever..............
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?