Thank you - again?

[gojulie]

I am in need of some etiquette advice.  My husband and I were married just over 3 years ago.  His former step-father and his new wife came to our wedding since they are still on very good terms with the family.

The step-father gave us some awesome gift certificates to a local electronics big box store.  It came in very handy as our camera was stolen during the wedding and we wanted a new one for the honeymoon, but that's a story in itself.  We sent out thank you notes about 3 weeks after the wedding and included a personal message to the former-step-father about how his particular gift helped us out by allowing us to take pictures on our honeymoon.  We saw the couple later that summer at a BBQ and thanked them again in person. 

About 6 months after the wedding the husband and I moved to Asia and just came back. We have found out through family members that the former-step-father and his wife are furious at us because "We didn't thank them enough" for the gift and that we have treated them badly.  Please keep in mind that - we sent a thank you card and thanked them in person the ONLY time we have seen them since the wedding.  This couple apparently has been bad mouthing us in our absence for everyone to hear.

My question is this.  I have a family BBQ to go to this weekend.  It is an informal welcome back to the country gathering and the first time we have seen most of the family in the three years we have been gone.  The former-father-in-law will be there with his wife.  Should I say something? Thank them again?  I take etiquette very seriously and don't think I have done anything wrong. 

What should I do?

[bopper]

"Hey SFIL, I just want to let you know like we said in our thank you note and at that BBQ the other summer that the camera we got from your wedding gift certificate has just been the greatest thing to have with us!  I can't wait to show you all the pictures we took."

[pierrotlunaire0]

What were you supposed to do?  Have they said what more they wanted?  I wouldn't formally thank them again, because it feeds the nonsense they are spewing.

[sweetgirl]

Did they expect rose petals and thrones and you to personally feed them grapes whilst kissing their feet? What kind of thanks did they want? You have already thanked them twice. Thats more than enough.

[Outdoor Girl]

I wouldn't say a thing.  And if they are so crass as to say you didn't thank them properly, I'd act confused.  'I don't understand.  We thanked you in person at the BBQ and sent a TYN promptly.  I'm not sure what else we should have done.

[Evil Duckie]

I would at the family BBQ tell FSF and his wife that you are so thrilled about the gift they gave you and you want to share some of the pictures with them. I wonder if they are feeling left out of your life and are using the thank you note as a way of venting this.

If this was one person not a couple I could see it as a memory problem developing or just forgetting.

We had something similar with my grandmother and a wedding gift to DS#1. My grandmother kept saying she never got a thank you note from DS#1 and DIL. The first couple of times after Dad called me I called DS#1 and asked what happened and he was certain that he sent one but would send another. After another round of being told no thank you notes accusation, I told Dad that DS#1 knew he sent her a thank you note.

A couple month ago Dad was at my grandmother's and he found a stack of thank you notes from DS#1 (several from him) and others in the family. Dad asked my grandmother about them and she didn't remember receiving them at all. Since then family has kept an eye on her mail so they can remind her about things.

[Lexophile]

So - let me get this straight.

1) You went out of your way to thank them profusely - twice - but they think you didn't thank them enough.
2) They've been whining about it in your absence and claiming that you and your DH have treated them badly since the wedding.
3) Despite all of that, they are attending a BBQ that's being held for you and your DH as a welcome back party?

That doesn't make sense. If they start in on you, I'd counter with a confused, "I don't understand, if you are so mad at us, why are you here to welcome us back?"

[Suze]

how many times do you NEED to thank someone for one gift

(wasn't there a thread like this awhile back?)

[GeauxTigers]

We have found out through family members that the former-step-father and his wife are furious at us because "We didn't thank them enough" for the gift and that we have treated them badly

You've been halfway around the world for the last two-and-a-half years. Short of mailing them packages stuffed with not-so-freshly-killed endangered animals, what on earth have y'all done that constitutes "treating them badly"? (I'm thinking "nada".)

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Is it possible they never got the thank you note?  I was sent a Christmas check from two states away last year that still hasn't arrived.  It wouldn't excuse their behavior, but it might explain it.

[D-Banana]

I agree with the previous posters. You did everything correctly and they've got bubkis to complain about. I might inquire as to whether or not they got the card, but even if they didn't...you thanked them -personally-. Treated them badly? How? If you decide to thank them further to smooth things over is up to you, but personally I wouldn't feed the beast. If someone mentions it again I'd go with a 'How odd that they're doing that when we've thanked them profusely in card and in person. How about this bean dip?'

[TootsNYC]

Do you know that the thank-you note made it to them int he mail?

I might bring it up directly to them, in front of lots of people, w/ plenty of volume.

"Oh, it's so nice to see you. We haven't seen you since so long, when we were at X event, and we thanked you for the gift cards we used to buy our camera with. You know, we still think of you when we use that camera. You *DID* get our thank-you note in the mail, right? I'd be so upset if you hadn't received it, and didn't know how much we appreciated your present."

And I'd feel free to say to anyone who ever brought you that news, in a very bewildered tone, "We thanked them in person AND we sent them a thank-you card. I don't know what else to do!"

[PeterM]

I wouldn't say a thing.  And if they are so crass as to say you didn't thank them properly, I'd act confused.  'I don't understand.  We thanked you in person at the BBQ and sent a TYN promptly.  I'm not sure what else we should have done.

I'd go with this. Ignore it if possible, but don't back down if they confront you. I'd change the last sentence, though, to "Exactly what more do you think we should have done?" Put it on them to explicitly explain their ridiculous standards.

[MDefarge]

I wouldn't say a thing.  And if they are so crass as to say you didn't thank them properly, I'd act confused.  'I don't understand.  We thanked you in person at the BBQ and sent a TYN promptly.  I'm not sure what else we should have done.

I'd go with this. Ignore it if possible, but don't back down if they confront you. I'd change the last sentence, though, to "Exactly what more do you think we should have done?" Put it on them to explicitly explain their ridiculous standards.

I definitely agree with both these posts. 

[gojulie]

Thanks for all of the advice.  We went to the BBQ and the former-step-father was rude and standoffish.  I shook his hand and said a polite hello and that was about it.  I elected not to make a scene and went on with the otherwise lovely party. If it comes up in conversation at another function I will act confused and thank them again.  But for now, I will just act like the adult and drop it.