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Author Topic: Why all this mom guilt?  (Read 5963 times)

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jibby

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #15 on: August 06, 2010, 03:14:43 PM »
Oh, how I love each and every one of you; I need this thread.   :-*  I only have one six-month-old and I already could have written the OP.  It doesn't help that I work full-time, plus work our business on the weekends, and am having the world's.worst.time with breastfeeding.  According to the "experts" I am a colossal failure and my child will never recover from my ineptitude.  This thread makes me so happy I could cry (of course, most commercials also make me cry right now...). 

MrsJWine

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #16 on: August 06, 2010, 03:18:47 PM »
I think many of those things are based on a single-child family model.  Because it is possible (fun? maybe not. emotionally and mentally exhausting? yes.) for a stay-at-home parent to do all that with just one kid.  Add just one more kid into the mix, though, and it just gets ridiculous.  I'm already seeing major differences in the way my first- and second-born are going to grow up, and they're only 16 months apart.  My second-born already knows how to entertain herself for long stretches of time (well, long for her--I don't leave her there for hours) by rolling around on the floor and yelling at her toes.  At this age, my firstborn was angry if I left the room for more than two minutes.


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Utah

MrsJWine

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #17 on: August 06, 2010, 03:34:07 PM »
Oh, how I love each and every one of you; I need this thread.   :-*  I only have one six-month-old and I already could have written the OP.  It doesn't help that I work full-time, plus work our business on the weekends, and am having the world's.worst.time with breastfeeding.  According to the "experts" I am a colossal failure and my child will never recover from my ineptitude.  This thread makes me so happy I could cry (of course, most commercials also make me cry right now...). 

I think breastfeeding is great.  The short-term benefits--if it's working for you--are pretty good.  Convenience, very little cost (other than the extra calories you have to eat, which still costs much less than formula), less unpleasant diapers, a slew of other things.  But I HATE that it's something people feel they have to do, or they're poisoning their babies.  There are perhaps some long-term benefits, but I'm not certain 3.2 IQ points is something I'd be willing to beat myself up over if breastfeeding wasn't working out.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I probably would.  But it shouldn't be that way.  I'm sorry it's not going well.  :(


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Utah

marksgirl

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #18 on: August 06, 2010, 04:51:31 PM »
Its not just mommy's who feel this way. A guy at my DH's work had to tell him that his DD knew the color yellow. My DD can say some of her letters but I don't want to brag cause who cares? It will all even out when they get to school.

"Sometimes I wish I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time"-ABBA

magician5

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #19 on: August 06, 2010, 05:21:15 PM »
The very fact that you are asking yourself (and us) this is ample evidence that you are on the right track already with your kid (as long as you don't start taking too much advice from others).

I think one of the main factors in bringing up kids is the "constant reality check." That, and constant two-way communication with the child.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

Cutenoob

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2010, 06:09:06 PM »
There are times when I need to grow 2 extra arms and a second set of eyes, hell just clone me, make it easier.
My honey says if I'm staying home with the little guy and taking care of him in the day, there's enough time to clean and keep the floor vacuumed and spiffy.

Anyone have a clue by four for him? Baby's 6 mos old and JUST NOW figuring out he can play by himself for about 20 min at a shot.  Before this, I'd be running between washing bottles, playing with baby, wash bottles, oh baby is fussing.....

And I occasionally read the Mom Media.  To see how you're supposed to do stuff...and then I laugh at "Yeah my kid isn't doing anything of that sort, pfeh" and discard the info.  Actually I look for the coupons :)

jpcher

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2010, 06:16:12 PM »
Stop reading the psych books!   ;)
Every parent, no matter who he/she is, has to "wing it" because absolutely no two children are ever alike.  They have their own personalities from before birth and their own time schedule to do things.
Just enjoy him!

I haven't read the thread yet. I got to gramma's post and did a full stop.

I couldn't agree more.




(going to read the rest of the thread now.  ;D)

jpcher

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2010, 07:30:09 PM »
I don't have a choice about the reading, I'm in University studying psychology. I'm basically stuck reading the results of every possible way of raising kids. You can't unread stuff like that.

Yikes.

Yeah, that would scare any mom to death.

What does your area of study say about Bill Cosby's take on rearing children?

Just for fun, check out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMSc97UksM&feature=related

The entire "Himself" video about raising kids and being a parent is the epitomy of real life parenthood. So far different from MediaMom and what you should do.

The best thing that you can do is enjoy being with your child -- go with the flow . . . and let him/her know your joy.

Just my opinion.

Brentwood

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2010, 07:31:26 PM »
I'm just winging this whole parenting thing.

Most people do. Don't beat yourself up; enjoy the ride.

Brentwood

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #24 on: August 06, 2010, 07:34:27 PM »
My daughter plays on her own for a good quarter to half of her waking hours, and she's quite happy. 

My mother practiced what she liked to call "benign neglect." She was always there, always available, but she didn't get actively involved in our play most of the time (until she sucked me into Parcheesi - we've had ongoing tournaments for 36 or so years, since I was about 8 - I'm the only one of her five children who is as into Parcheesi as she is). She wanted us to learn to entertain ourselves and didn't believe in hovering. I think she had a pretty good philosophy.

megswsu

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #25 on: August 06, 2010, 07:56:27 PM »
Gah! I so feel this way right now. Most of the time I don't b/c I'm missing some mom gene. But my 14 m.o. hasn't started saying any words, she kind of says Mama, and she does babble, but I do feel I'm not doing *something* to at least help her start talking. It doesn't help that I'm not extremely talkative, so I totally blame myself a bit. Plus at the year appt her ped wants to see her again at 15 m.o. to check on her mobility (which is fine IMO, she's just taking her sweet time in that dept) and her vocab, or lack thereof. I'm hoping the vocab area improves before then. I'm sure she's fine as she understands what we say, and is developing at her own rate, but still. I definitely feel like a bad mom in that particular area.

My daughter started talking pretty early, which is a miracle because I'm not much of a talker unless I have some kind of feedback.  And then I never shut up.  Babbling away at a staring baby is just not something I'm good at, even though I try.  She didn't start walking until 17 months, despite us working with her all.the.time. on that.  So I think a lot of these things depend more on nature than they do on nurture (so long as you're not completely silent and inactive and neglectful).

The weird thing about motherhood is that there's both an incredibly high standard and an incredibly low standard.  People both patronize and criticize at the same time.  Anyone in the realm of Perfectly Adequate Parenting (which I think is most of us) is a freak.  Mothers and fathers must spend every waking minute entertaining their children.  We must have perfectly-behaved little angels.  But we're also assumed to be incapable of cooking a meal or keeping a clean house when we have small children.  Or having a coherent thought.  Or a good night's sleep.  And no wonder, because children are a nightmare!  Poor, poor us.  Gag.

Too funny. I'm the same way. I won't shut up once I get to know someone. But babies aren't very good at engaging in conversation, and therein lies the problem. :) But yes, I do agree that most things do depend more on nature. Babies/kids will develop on their own timetable, and maybe w/a little help. It's funny. In this day and age w/all the information available, it's so easy to get sucked into reading up on everything and gathering as much information as possible. While it can be helpful in many ways, it can also be overwhelming with everything you're "supposed" to do.

Well my daughter didn't start crawling until a week before turning 11 months, which is why I wasn't concerned about her not trying to walk a couple of months ago. She's starting to walk more and more, but only a little at a time. I figure she will when she will, just as she did w/the crawling. (I couldn't motivate her to crawl. One day I guess she just got tired of reaching for stuff and wanted other things there were out of her circle so she went for it).





jpcher

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #26 on: August 06, 2010, 08:24:48 PM »
My brother was 3+ years old. He didn't talk more than a word or so at a time. He was potty-trained, walked, pointed out his colors, all-n-all a well developed child except for the talking part.

My mother was concerned. Took him to Dr.'s . . . they said "give him time."

One day we were all getting into the car and Bro bumped his head while he was climbing into the back seat. He didn't cry. He put his hand on his head and said:

"I bumped my head so hard I think I broke every bone in my body."

I think it was my mother that cried . . . "The kid can talk!" . . . he just didn't want to say anything until it was really important!

Oh . . . and he hasn't kept his mouth shut since! >:D



Just sayin' that all kids develop in their own time. They don't know what the "book's" schedules are!


Brentwood

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #27 on: August 06, 2010, 08:36:09 PM »
My brother was 3+ years old. He didn't talk more than a word or so at a time. He was potty-trained, walked, pointed out his colors, all-n-all a well developed child except for the talking part.

My mother was concerned. Took him to Dr.'s . . . they said "give him time."

One day we were all getting into the car and Bro bumped his head while he was climbing into the back seat. He didn't cry. He put his hand on his head and said:

"I bumped my head so hard I think I broke every bone in my body."

I think it was my mother that cried . . . "The kid can talk!" . . . he just didn't want to say anything until it was really important!

Oh . . . and he hasn't kept his mouth shut since! >:D



Just sayin' that all kids develop in their own time. They don't know what the "book's" schedules are!



One of my older sisters didn't talk much at all until she was around 3-ish either. Mom said she was a little worried, but the doctor said she'd talk when she was ready. She went on to graduate from high school and college with a 4.0 and earned a fellowship to grad school. Turns out, it was just that she didn't have much to say! She's still a pretty quiet person.

I, on the other hand, was speaking full sentences at 10 months old; all that meant is that I talk too darn much. ;)

kareng57

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #28 on: August 06, 2010, 08:39:06 PM »
I read too much, too.

Naturally you don't have a choice - I did but somehow couldn't stop, even with expert A was refuting the assertations of expert B.  My kids are now young adults and have somehow turned out quite nicely despite everything that I read or didn't read. :)

Disney

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #29 on: August 06, 2010, 10:05:07 PM »
This hits home. I have twin almost 3 year olds. Today, I let them watch WAY to much tv, and during dinner and its was phineas and ferb (not exactly age-appropriate but I like it) and our major "together" activity today was letting them dust the baseboards and dry the walls after I washed them.

As for the age-appropriate developmental milestones, I try to say it doesn't matter but I ask them if they want to sit on the potty all time and I enrolled them in a 2 year preschool program because they weren't talking. Now they talk up a storm. And they can tell me what they did this weekend at their dad's house. Though it's not always true. There was a story one weekend about Donna and a bunny. (Don't know who Donna is or the bunny were they saw a bunny)

And apparently at the beginning of the school year they would fall off the chairs. Now they can sit on chairs (even the big chairs at my house) properly and not fall off.

And like someone else said. Nothing I do on accident can scar them that badly. And none one went away to college un-potty trained.