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Author Topic: Why all this mom guilt?  (Read 5972 times)

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GlindaBunny

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #60 on: August 10, 2010, 03:03:15 AM »
I can't imagine having time to read a parenting book or magazine, much less have the energy to care what some stranger thinks of how I'm doing.



If anyone has the time to disapprove, I'll bet they have time to come take out the garbage.

gramma dishes

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #61 on: August 10, 2010, 09:40:02 AM »
I can't imagine having time to read a parenting book or magazine, much less have the energy to care what some stranger thinks of how I'm doing.



If anyone has the time to disapprove, I'll bet they have time to come take out the garbage.

Love your last sentence!!!   ;)

MrsJWine

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #62 on: August 10, 2010, 09:50:18 AM »
I can't imagine having time to read a parenting book or magazine, much less have the energy to care what some stranger thinks of how I'm doing.



If anyone has the time to disapprove, I'll bet they have time to come take out the garbage.

Love your last sentence!!!   ;)

Heh.  Me too.


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Utah

Just Lori

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #63 on: August 10, 2010, 10:12:18 AM »
I don't think anyone's brought up the phenomenon of childhood amnesia.  In a nutshell, childhood is such a crazy, activity-filled, roller coaster of a ride that we often forget large portions of it and sentimentalize the rest into a fairy tale.  My mother is the worst offender.  According to her, we were potty-trained at 1 1/2, never acted up in restaurants, never, ever fought with siblings save for the occasional argument in quiet tones, did tremendously well in school, and never talked back.  Are you kidding me?  I can't speak on the potty training thing, although I do remember occasionally wetting my pants and bed through toddlerhood, so maybe mom was pushing on the whole "My child's pottytrained!" thing.  We didn't really go to restaurants, because they were out of our budget, but my brother and I used to fight at the table over whose glass was filled with milk from the nearly empty carton and who had milk from the new carton.  Speaking of, I used to want to kill my brother.  Kill him.  I wanted to at least draw blood, because he was a big meanie bully weenie who deserved to bleed for all of the annoying things he did to me.  As for talking back, I still remember telling my mother that I was too old to be told what to do.  (I think I was about 13.)  I remember the eyerolls and the mutterings under my breath followed by "What?  I didn't say anything!"

And yet if you asked my brother and me to describe our childhood, it would be "Great. Our parents were great.  We were lucky kids."  You forget the little nuisances, the things that childhoods are made of, and the things that mothers sweat over today.

(Disclaimer:  I am aware that people suffer true traumas during childhood that haunt them forever.  I am not talking about those.  I'm talking about the kid whose mother didn't pack him fresh-squeezed juice and a salad from her garden each day.  For that matter, I'm talking about the kid whose mother packed him a Lunchable.  He's probably not going to be traumatized by the Lunchable.  Really.)

Motherhood is not a competition.  Nearly every mother I know does a few things right, does a few things OK, and has a few areas where she falls short.  If you compare yourself to other mothers, you're going to focus on your shortcomings.  Cut yourself a break.

MrsJWine

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #64 on: August 10, 2010, 10:20:06 AM »
My mom is an awesome grandma this way.  It probably helps that I'm the youngest of five and the last to have kids, but she's 100% nonjudgmental about the decisions we make.  We're somewhat strict, so that might be part of it.  But I still give her props because SO MUCH has changed since she had little ones.  Especially in the eating department.  When we were little, we had to finish what was on our plate if we'd served ourselves.  Had to.  Or we got spanked (to be fair to my parents, if there was a food one of us absolutely hated--like, I would take a spanking every single time they served fish--, they'd either avoid it or cook something separate for the kid with a food aversion that night).  Now we know differently.  We don't short-order cook for our daughter, but we don't force her to eat what she doesn't want to.  I'm sure that goes against everything my mom learned was right when she had little ones, but she hasn't so much blinked at me funny over it.


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Utah

ChristiKayAnn

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #65 on: August 10, 2010, 10:45:35 AM »
(Disclaimer:  I am aware that people suffer true traumas during childhood that haunt them forever.  I am not talking about those.  I'm talking about the kid whose mother didn't pack him fresh-squeezed juice and a salad from her garden each day.  For that matter, I'm talking about the kid whose mother packed him a Lunchable.  He's probably not going to be traumatized by the Lunchable.  Really.)

Not only won't he be tramatized he will be the envy of the kid with the fresh squeezed juice and garden salad.  Honestly, not a mom here, but I have worked with kids my entire adult life (and a good part of my pre-adult life; I started teaching Nursery and Junior Church at 13/14.)  So from an outside perspective: all of you moms who love your kids and do your best are doing fine. No matter what you do somebody (including sometimes your kid) is going to think you could do better and somebody is going to be in awe of what you are doing (again sometimes including the kid.)

Just take a breath, do your best, and don't worry because it all balances out in the end.

sweetgirl

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #66 on: August 10, 2010, 11:38:36 AM »
This is a quote from this months Aussie kids mag for an article.

"Very few parents would be able to look back with complete satisfaction on the way they brought up their children. The magority of us would be content with the thought that we our offspring any permanent harm"

I read this and thought of this thread and thought how true it was.

Just Lori my mum does the same thing. My mother is a phenomenal woman but when she compares her parenting skills to mine and our "childhood" it takes alot for me to not snap at her and say "what are you talking about?"

The era I grew up in is a far cry from the one my kids will grow up in. Its not the same,our circumstances are different and I dont like the comparison.

jibby

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #67 on: August 10, 2010, 02:01:28 PM »
Oh, how I love each and every one of you; I need this thread.   :-*  I only have one six-month-old and I already could have written the OP.  It doesn't help that I work full-time, plus work our business on the weekends, and am having the world's.worst.time with breastfeeding.  According to the "experts" I am a colossal failure and my child will never recover from my ineptitude.  This thread makes me so happy I could cry (of course, most commercials also make me cry right now...). 

I think breastfeeding is great.  The short-term benefits--if it's working for you--are pretty good.  Convenience, very little cost (other than the extra calories you have to eat, which still costs much less than formula), less unpleasant diapers, a slew of other things.  But I HATE that it's something people feel they have to do, or they're poisoning their babies.  There are perhaps some long-term benefits, but I'm not certain 3.2 IQ points is something I'd be willing to beat myself up over if breastfeeding wasn't working out.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I probably would.  But it shouldn't be that way.  I'm sorry it's not going well.  :(
Thanks - when it actually works, it's the best thing ever for me!  :)  Now that I've recovered from infections, and spent tons of money/time on lactation consultants, special foods/pills/teas and specialists, my body has decided to produce about two ounces of milk per day.  Ah well, it can only get better! 

Winterlight

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #68 on: August 10, 2010, 02:44:06 PM »
Maybe balance it out with some "fun" reading?

I used to get Erma Bombeck books from the library. She'd write about what motherhood was really like. (being that it's not a orange juice commercial). It's light-hearted and funny.

ginlyn

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Ferrets

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #69 on: August 10, 2010, 05:53:23 PM »
My favorite advice to parents who want to provide the best possible mental-stimulation start for their children--from the pediatric-development research who did a landmark and highly publicized study showing that exposing children to a wide variety of shapes, sounds, and situations:

"Don't lock them in a closet."

That's it.

It was very reassuring.

I'm not even a parent, but it's certainly reassuring me!

I have a couple of box files stuffed with drawings and writing from when I was a small child. One sheet of paper has my name in (Mum's) beautiful ball-and-stick printing. Beneath is my rather wonky attempt at reproducing it. This is followed by two entire rows of traced, then copied, S-shapes.

On the back, in my mother's handwriting, is this Painfully Concerned Little Note: [Ferrets] experiences difficulty with "S". The formation seems to defeat her. I will try to devise other ways of achieving correct formation.

This particular piece of paper (meticulously dated) is from when I was three.

You can worry a little too much... ::)

As an aside, I see that another sheet of paper, with a maelstrom of red scribble (optimistically labelled 'Gruffle') bears on its reverse - in Dad's handwriting - what appear, on closer examination, to be a character sheet and notes for a D&D game, c. 1984. Dad, you old geek, you. ;D

Shea

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #70 on: August 10, 2010, 06:23:44 PM »
I don't think anyone's brought up the phenomenon of childhood amnesia.  In a nutshell, childhood is such a crazy, activity-filled, roller coaster of a ride that we often forget large portions of it and sentimentalize the rest into a fairy tale.  My mother is the worst offender.  According to her, we were potty-trained at 1 1/2, never acted up in restaurants, never, ever fought with siblings save for the occasional argument in quiet tones, did tremendously well in school, and never talked back.  Are you kidding me?  I can't speak on the potty training thing, although I do remember occasionally wetting my pants and bed through toddlerhood, so maybe mom was pushing on the whole "My child's pottytrained!" thing.  We didn't really go to restaurants, because they were out of our budget, but my brother and I used to fight at the table over whose glass was filled with milk from the nearly empty carton and who had milk from the new carton.  Speaking of, I used to want to kill my brother.  Kill him.  I wanted to at least draw blood, because he was a big meanie bully weenie who deserved to bleed for all of the annoying things he did to me.  As for talking back, I still remember telling my mother that I was too old to be told what to do.  (I think I was about 13.)  I remember the eyerolls and the mutterings under my breath followed by "What?  I didn't say anything!"

This is hilarious, my mother is not like that AT ALL. I think she probably does sentimentalize somewhat, but she will happily say things like, "Oh yes, I didn't get a full night's sleep from the time Shea was born until she was five! I swear that kid never slept." or "You were a real handful when you were eight or nine, all that talking back, you were in time-out half the time!" It's not that she disliked me as a child (although she will freely state that she likes me better now as an adult), she was a very good mom and always loved me. Funny how that works.


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kitty-cat

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #71 on: August 10, 2010, 09:18:12 PM »
My mother practiced what she liked to call "benign neglect." 

You had my mother too? I was reliable as a kid, and eager to please so mom was okay leaving me in charge frequently. In fact, I was left home alone quite a bit starting in 4th grade. (when it's a choice of "pay rent" and "watching a mature 9/10 year old", rent wins out.)

Thanks to my mom's way of raising me I can: do my own laundry, cook my own meals, clean when I want to (it's about a 3 week cycle on me cleaning), and manage money fairly well.

My stepsister though, had the "I wanna be your best friend" type of mom and is for lack of a better term, a spoilt brat at times. She is finally starting to get somewhat better, but she still has her moments ::)




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scotcat

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #72 on: August 11, 2010, 04:52:02 AM »
He eats most vegetables, except for raw tomato

I am 58 and I do not eat raw tomato. I have survived thus far.

If OP's son speaks 3 languages, well done him, that's two more than me.

Nora

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #73 on: August 13, 2010, 05:32:32 AM »
He speaks dutch, norwegian, and can make himself understood in English (though he throws in a bunch of neologisms). I'n glad he inherited our ability for language, because we suck hard at math, aren't particularly handy, and have a strong affinity for dumb ideas. I'm hopinghe has inherited enough good traits to even out the bad ones.  ;)
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girlysprite

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Re: Why all this mom guilt?
« Reply #74 on: August 13, 2010, 08:02:41 AM »
Sometimes we remember out own childhood as fluffy and nice as well, and look up to our mothers 9and fathers) parenting abilities. But don't forget that you likely have forgotten how she frothed around her mouth when you decided that of course the walls are a great place for a drawing ;)

My mother sometimes told stories about us when we were young. She once forgot to move me from my box to my bed when I was 1.5 years old. She awoke in the middle of the night, suddenly remembering that i was still in the living room. I never kicked a fuss, I was just sleeping the whole time.
Funny is that this happened to someone else as well. I had a neighbor I visited since I was 4 years old. One day she left her home and drove away, suddenly realizing 10 minutes later that I had been around in her house, and didn't leave. She drove back, and found me napping on her bed, where I had been reading comics. I was 4 then.
Can you tell that I've been a quiet child? ;)
And while she did read some stories with me when I was young I don't remember her 'playing' with us when we were kids 9except in the swimming pool). We could entertain ourselves. And really...she had 4 kids. She was too busy keeping everything running. And we turned out just fine!