Author Topic: Was this reply too forward?  (Read 5995 times)

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whiterose

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Was this reply too forward?
« on: August 09, 2010, 07:30:17 AM »
On an online dating site, I had been exchanging emails with a fellow who seems to be just what I am looking for. We click so well online! Well, he asked me if I wanted to have coffee.

I told him that yes, I would like to. I told him when I am available this week rather specifically (and stated it was due to a weird work schedule this week- which is true, I have do adjust my shifts due to a special program I am a guest at). I told him I was available Friday and Saturday after 7PM, as well as Sunday pretty much the whole day.

Was this too forward? Should I have simply said yes and asked him when was he available? Keep in mind that I can NOT access this (or any) dating site through my job's computers; and that some days I do not get home from work and gym till after 8PM. Should I have been a bit more mysterious and not stated my availability yet? Do you think my stating my availability (as well as saying this week at work was odd) would be coming across too strong, even though he was the one who asked? Men here, would you be put off by this?

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DangerMouth

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2010, 07:49:18 AM »
Not too forward, but as Friday and Saturday after 7pm is prime 'dinner date' territory, it could look like you were angling for a dinner invitation instead of just coffee. I might have something like "I'd love to, but the only day I'm free during the day this week is Sunday, how's that for you?"

whiterose

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2010, 07:53:24 AM »
Honestly, that did not even cross my mind.

I am legitimately working until about that time on Friday and Saturday. I am literally unavailable before that.

In no way was I being passive-aggressive and trying to get a dinner invitation out of him. On the contrary, I said I did want to meet him up for coffee.

That, and I usually have very light suppers- another reason why it honestly did not cross my mind.
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Ferrets

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2010, 07:54:40 AM »
I think you were fine. Explaining about your work schedule probably wasn't absolutely necessary, but I don't think it falls into the realm of "inappropriate" TMI as such.

As for saying when you were free - that was fine, IMO. He asked, you answered, and your answer leaves him able to suggest a time which works for him, whilst knowing it'll also work for you - win/win. Whilst "Sure! When are you free?" would also have been perfectly fine, there's then the potential for a lot of niggly back-and-forthing of "How's x time for you?"/"Well, actually, not great - how about Y?"/"Ooh, can't do that - is Z good for you?", and so on, and so forth. :)

penelope2017

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2010, 08:02:28 AM »
Agreed about dinner date. You may not have been angling for it, but if he's asking about having coffee, I would not think to schedule a coffee for after 7 on a Friday or Saturday night. Plus I think suggesting coffee is trying to avoid scheduling a get-together during those time.

If you are only available on Friday or Saturday at that time, I'd have skipped including those days. Whether you have light suppers or not is irrelevant. The heaviness or ingredients of the meal is not what makes getting together at those times more serious. It is the time of the meal, the length of the meal and the extra formality of the event that makes a dinner date more serious in terms of the relationship.

An invite to coffee is much less serious. It's a quick getting to meet you and out of there if for some reason there's no spark.

Next time, give him the chance to respond with a suggestion first. You're not trying to beat a clock that you need to get in as much info as possible a soon as possible because you work long hours and can't check the site again till tomorrow. What's the difference if you wait a day? or a weekend?

Immediately responding with three days worth of availability and scheduling when he casually suggests possibly getting together for coffee, including Friday and Saturday night, reeks slightly of desperation to me.


LifeOnPluto

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2010, 08:02:59 AM »
Given that you had a rather tricky schedule, I think you were fine. If you made it clear you were just interested in coffee (ie that you weren't fishing for a dinner date) there's nothing wrong with your reply.

whiterose

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2010, 08:04:07 AM »


As for saying when you were free - that was fine, IMO. He asked, you answered, and your answer leaves him able to suggest a time which works for him, whilst knowing it'll also work for you - win/win. Whilst "Sure! When are you free?" would also have been perfectly fine, there's then the potential for a lot of niggly back-and-forthing of "How's x time for you?"/"Well, actually, not great - how about Y?"/"Ooh, can't do that - is Z good for you?", and so on, and so forth. :)

Yup, that's what I was avoiding. Especially given the fact that my job blocks dating sites, so it would take a while to communicate such info.

Given that you had a rather tricky schedule, I think you were fine. If you made it clear you were just interested in coffee (ie that you weren't fishing for a dinner date) there's nothing wrong with your reply.

I hope I was.
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whiterose

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2010, 08:06:14 AM »


Immediately responding with three days worth of availability and scheduling when he casually suggests possibly getting together for coffee, including Friday and Saturday night, reeks slightly of desperation to me.



That is what I feared- coming across as desperate. I do not want to scare him off.

On the other hand, I did want to avoid communication breakdowns.

I did go to coffee once on a Friday at 6PM. He was the one who invited me and I agreed. We worked out the time and day- but do not remember the exact details.
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Surianne

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2010, 09:46:19 AM »
Agreed about dinner date. You may not have been angling for it, but if he's asking about having coffee, I would not think to schedule a coffee for after 7 on a Friday or Saturday night. Plus I think suggesting coffee is trying to avoid scheduling a get-together during those time.

Interesting how that differs...to me evenings after supper are the perfect time for tea/coffee, so this wouldn't have struck me as strange at all!

Red1979

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2010, 10:29:08 AM »


Immediately responding with three days worth of availability and scheduling when he casually suggests possibly getting together for coffee, including Friday and Saturday night, reeks slightly of desperation to me.



That is what I feared- coming across as desperate. I do not want to scare him off.

On the other hand, I did want to avoid communication breakdowns.

I did go to coffee once on a Friday at 6PM. He was the one who invited me and I agreed. We worked out the time and day- but do not remember the exact details.

I don't see the desperation at all.   I personally think it was smart to give him your actual schedule rather than go back and forth when you can't get to email as easily as you would like. 

As for friday and saturday the 'angling for a dinner invite" wouldn't even occur to me.  I'd assume that you'd be up for a late evening coffee or an after dinner coffee.  You didn't say meet exactly at 7--you said you were "free after 7" that leaves quite a few hours open.

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Hanna

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2010, 12:18:43 PM »
I think you were fine.

I once heard that when you truly meet the right person, there is no way you can mess it up.
I like that advice.

DavidH

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2010, 01:57:56 PM »
I think it's fine to give those details.  Particularly over email, it's a pain to go back and forth with times and dates when you can cover it quickly in one email.  I probably wouldn't respond to it suggesting dinner, but might say how about coffee on Sunday or maybe dessert on Friday or Saturday. 

One thing to remember is meeting for dinner is more about the occasion and the social interaction than the food, so even if you have only a light dinner, meeting for that may be something to consider later on.

If you could access an email site but not a dating site while at work, I'd suggest getting an email address for this type of interaction.  Something like whiterose@yourfavoritefreeemail.com

DangerMouth

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2010, 02:07:12 PM »
I think you were fine.

I once heard that when you truly meet the right person, there is no way you can mess it up.
I like that advice.


I really like that :D

Also, whiterose, I don't think you sounded at all desperate.

Miss Understood

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2010, 02:20:39 PM »
I wouldn't see it as angling for a dinner invitation, but I wouldn't have mentioned that I had nothing social planned for basically the entire weekend.  That does make you sound a little over-eager.  I probably would have just suggested Sunday afternoon and left it up to him to suggest an alternative if that didn't work for him.

shhh its me

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Re: Was this reply too forward?
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2010, 02:43:03 PM »
  I think you were fine but it would have been an improvement to add " This week is weird at at work so I'd only be available after 7 Friday and Saturday  but  next week I'd be more available, after 5 weekday(name 2 ) or Saturday/Sunday afternoon(pick one)"

I don't think you were too forward but I think you gave a very limited  and slightly unusual choice for a "let's have coffee"
« Last Edit: August 09, 2010, 03:10:45 PM by Merry Mrs Martin »