Author Topic: Reciprocity in conversations  (Read 3380 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

CrayonOutlines

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2009
Reciprocity in conversations
« on: August 09, 2010, 01:27:45 PM »
I don't know if it's just men in my area, men my age, men who find me attractive or what, but I'm having a hard time with them knowing how to engage in the back-and-forth of conversation.  My first response is irritation that a 35-45 year-old man hasn't learned conversation skills yet and that I may possibly have to teach him -- I think I should just say, "Next!" but then I wonder if I'd lose out on an otherwise good guy.  So please help me politely think of ways to say, "Uh, it's your turn, buddy" or "You've given me nothing to work with, bub!"  ;)

« Last Edit: June 09, 2012, 05:08:49 PM by CrayonOutlines »

Kaypeep

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2273
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2010, 01:35:33 PM »
You are NOT alone. I find this behavior maddening - online and in person. Date or just dinner companion. I was recently at a dinner to celebrate a friend's anniversary and the people we sat with were fine when it came to answering questions I asked,or following conversation I initated, but they contributed zilch themselves and resented that I had to do all the work to keep things from being awkwardly silent.

As for this guy, since it's online I would just let things drop.  I learned a long time ago that guys like this are not much better IRL.  I tried giving them the benefit of the doubt that they are just bad writers and not witty online, but inevitably they were duds face to face, too.  If you want to give him one more chance, just reply back something like "That sounds interesting!" and see what he says back.  If he doesn't ask you anything about yourself and is still vague about himself, just delete and ignore.

bah12

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5053
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2010, 01:40:05 PM »
Personally, I would say "next".  I just wouldn't want to work that hard.

Also, he didn't really give you any hints that he's interested.  His comment was about your drink and his reply to you was short without any indication that he wanted to continue.

Whether or not this is because he's actually not interested or is just really bad at conversation, he doesn't sound like the right person for you...as you already stated that you don't want to have to "teach" a guy how to be a good conversationalist (I wouldn't either).

Aggiesque

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3940
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2010, 02:03:36 PM »
I don't think a lot of people are taught the art of conversation now-days. I really don't. I remember my mother teaching me how to hold one when I was younger, but I really don't think many people are taught that today. They either figure it out themselves, it comes naturally to them, or they end up socially akward. :/
Aggie

My favorite blog, which discusses personal finance: http://www.opinmoney.blogspot.com/

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5617
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2010, 02:08:13 PM »
My thought was that you did not give him much information about yourself either, so perhaps he is thinking the same thing about you.  If you are in the same area (within maybe 15 miles) I would draw him out more, but if he is long distance I see no point.  Honestly, I see no real point of long distance dating when people don't already know each other and the distance is temporary in any situation!

I've never done online dating so I have no real  advice or anecdotes, but I hope you find what you are looking for and have some fun! 

shhh its me

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6856
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2010, 02:35:17 PM »
  I think on-line conversation among strangers can be very awkward , especially those first few exchanges, and isn't necessarily indicative of an inability to converse in general. If 5 minutes is more then you can spare to see if he/they get over initial awkwardness then just more on but I wouldn't give someone that gong biased on the first few exchanges being *meh* 

Ms_Shell

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3804
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2010, 03:23:21 PM »
I vote to give him a pass too.  If he's still active duty in the Navy, he's gonna be gone for 6-9 months out of every year, and it's incredibly difficult to keep a rel@tionship like that going even if you're married.  Not worth it IMHO.
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

scansons

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 677
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2010, 03:23:45 PM »
It's been a while since I've been on the on line dating scene (married 8 years now).  But when I was still on the market, I used to start with a question they hadn't answered a few million times.  "What's your favorite ice cream?"  was one of my favorites.  Cause who doesn't like ice cream?  And it's not a question anyone has to lie about.  Not like "what have you read lately" or "what happened to your last girlfriend".  Light, fun, not too taxing.  

Then if they wanted to know why I wanted to know about their favorite ice cream/ flavor of soda/ coffee drink etc etc.  I would tell them I was the Ice cream Swami, and that I could tell everything I needed to know about their personality by their favorite ice cream.  Completely silly. As were all readings that the Ice cream Swami gave.  But if I could make them laugh a little, things got easier fast.  And I dated a lot of great guys, once.  

Interestingly I never had to use the ice cream line on DH.  We bonded fast and hard, over Bruce Campbell movies.  Go figure.  

Danismom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2030
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2010, 03:45:07 PM »
Since we can't see your entire profile, its hard to compare.  I was just thinking that he actually gave you quite a bit to work with and similarly, you didn't offer very much.  If you actually wanted to engage him in conversation, I'd have responded with something more inviting, especially now that you know he's military.  For example:  I'm guessing you've seen a lot of the world.  While I love margaritas, I'm always interested in finding other great drinks.  Any suggestions from your travels?

aiki

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1180
  • We can't all have Pippa's backside.
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2010, 05:52:29 PM »
Personally, I'd shout "NEXT!" after seeing the wrong "to" and the "ummm", but I'm fussy like that.

IME, I have never had a contact go well if I was thinking "Gosh, this is hard work." and "How boring can you be?" right from the initial contact. Best to politely cut it short and let both him and you have better luck with someone else.

"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."  - Oscar Wilde

CrayonOutlines

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2009
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2010, 06:40:19 PM »
My thought was that you did not give him much information about yourself either, so perhaps he is thinking the same thing about you. 

Since we can't see your entire profile, its hard to compare. 

This is what my profile says:

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Ba dum dump! Thank you! I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress!

Laughter is important, as is intelligence. Particularly attractive is a man with the confidence to appreciate humor and intelligence in a woman.

I've also realized that it's important to say that, while I'm no Pollyanna, I'm a generally positive person and assume that people are basically good unless proven otherwise. I respect that people have the right to be pessimistic, cynical, and bitter, but I'm probably not gonna want to join that party -- y'all have fun, though!

I prefer manual transmissions to automatic, I like Ben & Jerry's Phish Food and Baskin Robbins Rocky Road, and I'm addicted to reading. I'm very inquisitive. I like using semi-colons. I put toilet paper on the roll over, not under. Shoes & socks go on sock, shoe, sock, shoe (do everything you have to do to each foot while ya got it up there). I REALLY hate it when people chew with their mouths open and/or pop their gum. I prefer pancakes to waffles and am ambivalent about peanut M& M's vs. plain; it depends on my mood. I love Kevin Smith and his movies; "Dogma" is my favorite and I was disappointed by "Mallrats." I'd rather be too cold than too hot because you can always put on more clothes, but you can never take enough off. I don't care for Lionel Richie. I'm not athletic (unless you count Ms. Pac Man, in which case, I'm quite superior and will challenge anyone to a match/bout/game/duel), but like to attend sporting events. I have a Wii and mostly do stuff on Wii Fit, but bowl MUCH better electronically than I do in real life -- amazing!

Danismom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2030
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2010, 10:48:46 PM »
Okay....well that certainly changes things. 

I would still come back with something humorous to his post to you but then I wouldn't worry too much about him.  You've given him plenty to work with.  It's his turn now if he's interested.

BTW I like the jumper cable joke!

Larrabee

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4749
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2010, 06:58:46 AM »

I give a pass for a first email as its pretty hard to get right and there's a lot of pressure!  If I get a one liner opener I reply giving a bit more information about me and asking about them, pretty much how you did, if I get another one liner I move on.  Conversation needs to grow naturally and it shouldn't just be one person making all the effort.

I don't like to see emails that contain only information about THEM and don't ask any questions about ME, its give and take! 

The guy I'm currently e-mailing/texting and will hopefully be meeting up with fairly soon really stood out from the pack because he sent a thoughtful, articulate, interesting AND interested first e-mail that gave a good (hopefully) accurate impression of his character and what it was about me that found intriguing.  Serious points there!

Anything that opens "Hey Babe" is instantly blocked  :o

Emmy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2010, 08:32:20 AM »
I online dated for a little over 3 years before meeting DH.  In my experience, people who were duds on e-mail were usually that way on the phone and in person, so after a while I realized if I didn't connect with somebody through writing, it wasn't going to progress.  If somebody is really interested, I would expect to see an effort.  For example, he could mention he also has Wii fitness, but prefers golf and isn't much of a Lionel Ritchie fan either, then ask you a few more questions about yourself.  Just giving one line answers when you try to have a more in depth conversation gives me the impression of a lack of effort which would be a turn off.  Also that guy could just be saying 'hello' and wanted to comment on your picture without looking to go further than that.  Either way, I would not reply to his last comment because he does not seem to be making any effort to continue the conversation by giving more info about himself, making more comments on your profile, or asking you questions.

I also have resented times where I had to do all the talking just to keep the awkward silence at bay.  I was chatting with one guy on the phone who gave one word answers and so I tried to fill in the space by talking.  I jokingly asked if I talked too much and he seriously said 'yes'.  I thought, "then you say something, don't just sit there like a bump on a log and expect me to do all the work".

Hanna

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7270
    • RumorsAboutMe
Re: Reciprocity in conversations
« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2010, 08:59:58 AM »
When I tried online dating, I usually didn't respond if I they gave me nothing with which to work, especially when they contacted me first.

But I'll probably be single for a very long time to come so maybe I should be handing out advice.

 :-\