Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist

[Lisbeth]

Yes, it's me.  Write.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Nora]

Idgi, am I slow?

[Lisbeth]

Dear Nora,

Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Nora]

Oh! Then, oooooooookay!

How's today been? It's all over the place from here.

You should do whatever people in the subway tell you to do. You've just been dumb to have been ignoring them. Listen to the voices, they are right.

[M-theory]

Dear MeanReader,

How do I attract a good Jewish man? Stuffing latkes in my bra failed miserably.

Sincerely,
Confused

[Lisbeth]

Dear Confused,

As they say, opposites attract.

If you want to attract a good Jewish man, be a good shiksa (non-Jewish woman).  That will be the opposite of his mother.  Caveat:  If you are successful, be prepared for him (and you) to subsist on a diet of matzah brie, horseradish, and felafel-because he won't let you get near the kitchen.  So you'll never get to try out those award-winning recipes for Beef Stroganoff or Lobster Thermidor.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[M-theory]

Dear MeanReader,

Excrement, I knew I took the wrong tack entirely. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Mostly Frum

[Lisbeth]

Dear Mostly Frum,

Oy vey.  You're welcome, and take care of that doctah-to-be!

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Slartibartfast]

Dear Evil Advice Columnist,

My dog barks all the time, even with her bark collar on.  I think she's too dumb to figure out cause and effect.  If I put her outside she annoys the neighbors, but if I keep her inside she annoys me and keeps the baby from sleeping.  What do I do?

[Lisbeth]

Dear Dog Owner,

Well, you could try sleeping pills in your dog's food so your dog goes to sleep...and if they don't work, you can have your dog put to sleep.  That ought to allow you, your neighbors, and your baby to get some sleep.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[applied4]

Dear MeanReader,

My wife has been complaining to me about tormenting the dogs.  But I enjoy tormenting the poor dogs.  Is it acceptable to torment them when she is not around?

Thanks,

Guy with laser pointer

[Yarnie]

Dear MeanReader,

Our boss told us today that our office might close.  I already have another job setup if it happens, so should I start stealing office supplies now, or wait? 

[Lisbeth]

Dear Guy,

Why not get a stuffed dog that you can do voodoo on in the presence of your wife? You could also use it to test new torture methods before practicing them on real dogs, which you can do outside the presence of your wife?

Isn't compromise wonderful for marriage-and if she won't compromise, get in some practice in on a real dog that you can eventually use on your wife.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Lisbeth]

Dear Office Thief,

I think you should wait.  That way you can find out what supplies are available for larceny at your new job, and can then fill in the gaps at your old job.  It's a steal.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[CakeBeret]

Dear Mean Reader,

My co-worker and former bane of my existence finally got fired. Is it inappropriate to throw a Joe Got Fired party? What length and level of Happy Dance is appropriate in this situation?

Thanks,

Free at Last