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Author Topic: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)  (Read 6026 times)

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crashn2me

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Hi Everyone,
I've been on the forum a long time, but don't often post.  I've gotten a lot of help here (Thanks!) and now have a question with which I need some help.  Naturally, it involves FB.

A person from my family's past contacted me through FB.  This person found me through a mutual friend.  While I have very tight settings, this person was able to contact me & send me a message.  The message seems innocent enough as the person asked how I am, how my mother is & to pass along her regards.  The untold part of this is that this woman had an affair with my father when I was younger and, yes, I know this for sure.  My mother found out towards the end of the affair and confronted this woman.  So, my Mom also knows about the affair.  Now, all these years later, she contacts me & asks me to give her regards to my mother.  Even though my parents are now divorced, because of my father's "habits" but not because of this woman, there is no way I would even consider passing along this message to my Mom.

My question is what is the correct way to answer her FB message?  Or should I even answer her message?  I'm leaning towards ignore & delete, even though a part of me wants to write  back "What is wrong with you?"  The other consideration is that my Mom raised to be charitable.  Maybe this woman has changed & she is trying to be a better person.  Though I still won't say anything to Mom as I would never risk hurting her like that.  The only thing I remember about this person is how she hurt my Mom and caused so many problems.  (I should add: I haven't forgotten my Dad's role in all this but he has nothing to do with her email to me.)

So, I'm asking for your advice.  Should I:
1. ignore & delete
2. write back, we're all fine thanks for asking
3. something a little stronger like "please don't contact me anymore" & block

What say you wise ehellions?

Thanks!

hot_shaker

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2010, 09:28:55 PM »
Wow!  :o

Myself, I lean toward option 1 and blocking her completely so that she can't even see that you're on Facebook.

I have to admit that option 3 is tempting; you would get the opportunity to tell her how her actions (in conjunction with your father's) affected you and tell her to go away forever.  It might make you feel like you finally get a little "payback" for the way she affected your life.  However, I think it's futile.  She has to know that it's inappropriate to contact you like she did.  I worry that she's she's trying to stir up some drama and you don't need that in your life.

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Animala

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2010, 09:36:20 PM »
Ignore and block.  What a jerk.

Jess13

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2010, 09:38:22 PM »
Ignore and block.  What a jerk.
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Alida

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2010, 09:39:20 PM »
Ignore and block. That takes a LOT of nerve on that woman's part.

clairesmom77

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2010, 09:46:23 PM »
Ignore and block.  This is the perfect opportunity to use the E-Hell approved complete silence.

I think that if you go with option 3, she'll know that her message irritated you.  It may please her to know that, or it may prompt her to attempt to contact you to apologize or otherwise discuss the situation.  Either reaction on her part is not wanted. 

Complete silence is definitely the way to go!

sisbam

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2010, 10:06:13 PM »
Ignore and block.  What a jerk.

We shouldn't call her a jerk. We don't know her intentions. I do agree with ignoring and blocking, though.

Allyson

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2010, 02:34:51 AM »
Whenever I see something like this, I wonder if the person isn't going through some sort of recovery program where she's being encouraged to make amends. Other than that, I just don't see what's to be gained...

I would ignore, myself. Responding snarkily is just unnecessary and will escalate..as it is now hopefully she'll get the message.

MariaE

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2010, 02:48:58 AM »
Ignore and block.  What a jerk.

We shouldn't call her a jerk. We don't know her intentions. I do agree with ignoring and blocking, though.

True, the e-mail might not have jerk'ish intentions, but she was still a jerk for having an affair with a married man (assuming she knew he was married, of course, but it sounds like she did).
 
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missmolly

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2010, 02:57:17 AM »
Ingore her and block. If she tries to contact you through other means, then I would tell her on no uncertain terms to leave you alone.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

iradney

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2010, 06:36:51 AM »
Hand-write a letter where you tell her everything you want to tell her. Burn it. Then delete her FB message and block her. It's a win win! You get out all the things you want to say to her, but you don't actually engage her.
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Larrabee

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2010, 07:02:47 AM »
If it was me, I'd be too curious to know why she really messaged and if there was some other potentially important reason behind it so I wouldn't block as that prevents her from contacting again.

I'd ignore and see if she tries again, and if she does, what the content of the second message is.


Twik

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2010, 08:44:54 AM »
Ignore and block.  What a jerk.

We shouldn't call her a jerk. We don't know her intentions. I do agree with ignoring and blocking, though.

I'm trying to think of intentions that a woman might have for contacting the wife of the man she once had an affair with, to "ask how she was", and most of them fall within the purview of "jerk".

At best, she's doing one of tose "spiritual cleansing" things, where she has decided to run around apologizing to everyone she thinks she's hurt. Unfortunately, I think that these sorts of things are more often self-indulgent than honestly helpful to her victims. And if that's what she's doing, she needs to be upfront instead of starting out, "Hi, person-whose-life-I-worked-to-ruin, how ya doin'?"

I would be tempted to reply, "My mother's welfare is none of your business. Please don't contact me again."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Twik

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2010, 08:47:45 AM »
Ignore and block.  What a jerk.

We shouldn't call her a jerk. We don't know her intentions. I do agree with ignoring and blocking, though.

? Not sure what happened to my original message.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2010, 09:34:39 AM by Twik »
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: FB: Responding to Inappropriate Message (warning: affair mentioned)
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2010, 09:26:15 AM »
So this.  We absolutely can call her a jerk - it's a jerk thing to do to so casually ask "how're doin?" after having an affair with someone's husband. If she had good intentions, there would have been a letter of apology.  And she would have thought twice about sending it in the first place!

Ignore, Delete, Block.  That's your answer, OP. And, you dont have tight settings if a random person can send you a message, so the second part is to check your settings again. 

Ignore and block.  What a jerk.

We shouldn't call her a jerk. We don't know her intentions. I do agree with ignoring and blocking, though.

I'm trying to think of intentions that a woman might have for contacting the wife of the man she once had an affair with, to "ask how she was", and most of them fall within the purview of "jerk".

At best, she's doing one of tose "spiritual cleansing" things, where she has decided to run around apologizing to everyone she thinks she's hurt. Unfortunately, I think that these sorts of things are more often self-indulgent than honestly helpful to her victims. And if that's what she's doing, she needs to be upfront instead of starting out, "Hi, person-whose-life-I-worked-to-ruin, how ya doin'?"

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