ILs pushing in on birthday plans

[Orisha]

Mr. O and I are planning a small family party for Baby O's first birthday.  We have everything all set.  MIL has decided that she wants to push in and take over everything, as usual.   Pronouncements have included that MIL has gone unsolicited to a bakery to pick out a cake, invited X people whom we've explicitly said aren't invited due to past bad behavior and has announced that she's planning the food.  We've told her several times that we're planning and if we want help, we'll ask for it and that nasties who show up uninvited by us will be told to leave.  She's just not getting it.  Mr. O and I have discussed it and he's just said that if things are brought that aren't asked for, he'll tell her that they have to stay in the car.  I'm really pleased with his willingness to stand up to his meddling mother, but I also am not sure that's the best solution.  It's also not really a great solution to give her small things to focus on because she's one of those people whom when you give her an inch, she takes a mile.  How do I politely tell her that Mr. O and I want to plan a party for OUR daughter and she needs to butt out and stop trying to take it over?

[Shoo]

You just tell her!  "This party is for OUR daughter, and we'd like you to butt out and stop trying to take over!"

Sometimes you just have to spell it out.

[missmolly]

"MIL, I have this ALL under control. Anything you plan or purchase will be a waste of time and money because we simply won't use it".

[AprilRenee]

Not entirely the same, but what I did when my MIL insisted on buying the non-birhtday child a gift was to swoop in before she gave the gift and say "Thanks so much! I'll just put this away until tomorrow"

You could probably do that with the cake "Thanks so much! I'll just put this in the fridge for next week!" said super nicely and cheerfully, and then continue on using the cake that YOU provided. same with food "Oh thanks! we will enjoy this for dinner tomorrow!" and put it away. Uninvited guests are harder, but you could politely state there was some kind of mix up and send them on their way.

[Orisha]

Thanks all.  I guess I feel like I need eHell's permission to be more assertive and direct.  Particularly when you're really irritated, it can be tricky to figure out where that all-important line is between assertive and rude.  Sigh.  Why can't she learn to behave herself and respect boundaries?  She called 6 times today...yes SIX.  She didn't leave any messages, she just kept calling.   I didn't answer the phone.  I was busy writing.  (Unfortunately, one of our phones doesn't have a switch for the ringer.)  You'd think that she'd take the hint, but I guess that annoying people don't know that they're intrusive and annoying.

[XRogue]

Some people, alas, only learn to respect boundaries after they are strictly enforced. IMHO follow your husband's lead, his ideas are right. Don't let her cake be served, her guests stay or any interference from her happen at all. Only call her back when she leaves a message, that way she will learn to use her manners and leave one the first time.

No, people like this don't take the hint. They need a firm hand and to have matters. spelled. out.

You can be assertive and firm and retrain people without being rude. Really. And it's a kindness to them and to yourself to do so, it will greatly improve your relationship.

[Amava]

Not entirely the same, but what I did when my MIL insisted on buying the non-birhtday child a gift was to swoop in before she gave the gift and say "Thanks so much! I'll just put this away until tomorrow"

You could probably do that with the cake "Thanks so much! I'll just put this in the fridge for next week!" said super nicely and cheerfully, and then continue on using the cake that YOU provided. same with food "Oh thanks! we will enjoy this for dinner tomorrow!" and put it away. Uninvited guests are harder, but you could politely state there was some kind of mix up and send them on their way.

"Oh thanks!" *stuffs uninvited guests into the basement* "We will enjoy them for lunch tomorrow!" 

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Silliness aside, I'm just going to jump on the reassuring bandwagon of posters who are right behind you for being more direct!

[Sophia]

If I were Orisha, I'd need help kicking out the uninvited guests. 

[Wendy Moira Angela Pan]

If I were Orisha, I'd need help kicking out the uninvited guests. 

Her husband could help, right?

[Lisbeth]

If I were Orisha, I'd need help kicking out the uninvited guests. 

Her husband could help, right?

You can always say to the uninvited guests, "I'm sorry, but there's been a mistake and it isn't possible for us to invite you in.  Thanks for coming by."  Then let them deal with your MIL.  She, not you, invited them, and she should take responsibility for what she did.

As for everything else, I think you do need to tell your MIL, "This is not your party to host and you are crossing boundaries.  Please stop it.  We have everything under control and do not require your assistance."

[kudeebee]

I agree with PPs who have stated that you need to be direct and blunt.

"This party is for dd and we are planning it.  We do not need your help.  Any food or drink that you bring that day will be left in your car or put in the garage for you to take home.  You need to call the Nasties and tell them that you made a mistake in inviting them to the party.  If they show up, we will not let them in."

Repeat whatever you tell her over and over and over, the same each time.  Then follow through with what you tell her.

Evil me would change the date and inform everyone else now and then her one day ahead of time, or the morning of.  But then, that would not be nice.

[something.new.every.day]

I agree to let her know that unrequested cakes and uninvited guests will have no place at your party.

I also think you should let your MIL know that another consequence will be that she won't be invited to future parties. 

[KitKat]

You could always use her cake as the 'smash' cake!   

[Elfmama]

You could always use her cake as the 'smash' cake!   

The one you give to the baby to rub into her hair and all over her clothes? And serve the parents' cake to the guests?

[Orisha]

You could always use her cake as the 'smash' cake!   

The one you give to the baby to rub into her hair and all over her clothes? And serve the parents' cake to the guests?

  I like it.  My plan was to make Baby O a small, personal cake that she can go to town on and have cup cakes and ice cream for the guests. 

I really appreciate all of you for helping me figure out that it's ok to be blunt.  MIL will no doubt pitch a fit if her guests are told to leave (esp. since they'd be driving 2 hours).  I may put Mr. O to work to make sure that there aren't any "miscommunications."  It's just so frustrating.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that 99% of her behavior is inappropriate and rude.  I'm not sure what makes people like this tick.  Maybe she's just not all that bright.