ILs pushing in on birthday plans

[Wendy Moira Angela Pan]

MIL will no doubt pitch a fit if her guests are told to leave (esp. since they'd be driving 2 hours).  I may put Mr. O to work to make sure that there aren't any "miscommunications." 

I would be very blunt with her and tell her, "Only the people we invite ourselves will be allowed into our home. Others will be turned away at the door no matter how far they've come."

[Waltzing Matilda]

Not entirely the same, but what I did when my MIL insisted on buying the non-birhtday child a gift was to swoop in before she gave the gift and say "Thanks so much! I'll just put this away until tomorrow"

In our family, we always bring a gift for the 'non-birthday'child. Not a big one, but a little something that means they have a present to open as well. Saves a lot of jealousy and potential tantrums.

[AprilRenee]

Not entirely the same, but what I did when my MIL insisted on buying the non-birhtday child a gift was to swoop in before she gave the gift and say "Thanks so much! I'll just put this away until tomorrow"

In our family, we always bring a gift for the 'non-birthday'child. Not a big one, but a little something that means they have a present to open as well. Saves a lot of jealousy and potential tantrums.

We don't do that in our family and it has been made very clear to the MIL. It's also something that she never practiced until we had children. Different strokes, etc, but I don't believe in it for my family

[Elfmama]

Children need to learn that they do not automatically get presents just because the brother/sister has a birthday.  Yes, it's hard to explain that to a toddler, but once they are big enough to understand, it's not hard to say "This is Sister's birthday.  Remember when you had your birthday?  That was when you got presents, and Sister didn't get any." Or else "When it's your birthday, then it will be your turn for presents."

Otherwise you fall into the trap of "everything must be equal for the children's entire childhood."  Nobody can be recognized for anything special.  If Sister brings home an all A+ report card and Brother brings home a sprinkling of C and D, they both get a celebratory pizza party, and so on.

[Nuala]

MIL will no doubt pitch a fit if her guests are told to leave . . . It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that 99% of her behavior is inappropriate and rude.

I'm not sure what makes people like this tick.  

I think you answered that yourself.  She pitches a fit, so she gets away with inappropriate behavior.

When someone's boundaries are this out of whack, it takes a lot of effort to retrain them.  And it's not pretty.  If she throws a fit, don't give in.  Not one iota. 

Her next fit may have a shorter duration.  Someday she may forgo the fit and downgrade to nasty remarks.  But by then she will know that you guys are Little O's parents and you won't give in to her nonsense.

Good luck with the party!  Let us know how it goes.

[MariaE]

Children need to learn that they do not automatically get presents just because the brother/sister has a birthday.  Yes, it's hard to explain that to a toddler, but once they are big enough to understand, it's not hard to say "This is Sister's birthday.  Remember when you had your birthday?  That was when you got presents, and Sister didn't get any." Or else "When it's your birthday, then it will be your turn for presents."

Otherwise you fall into the trap of "everything must be equal for the children's entire childhood." Nobody can be recognized for anything special.  If Sister brings home an all A+ report card and Brother brings home a sprinkling of C and D, they both get a celebratory pizza party, and so on.

Not at all, assuming it's done correctly. I'm the oldest of four. We always received a small present on each other's birthdays. But it was just that: a SMALL present - a token gift, if you will. It never, ever, ever cost more than 2-4 USD - it would be something a comic book, or some stationary.

That said, of course relatives should accept the wishes of the parents, and when my sisters started having kids, I asked them whether or not they would mind if I brought something along for the sibling as well. I'd never go against their wishes, as that is definitely wrong! Similarly parents shouldn't require others to give the non-birthday child a present. I just take issue with people claiming that it is automatically a bad idea across the board. It works for some families, it doesn't for others, and that's fine.

[Orisha]

MIL will no doubt pitch a fit if her guests are told to leave . . . It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that 99% of her behavior is inappropriate and rude.

I'm not sure what makes people like this tick.  

I think you answered that yourself.  She pitches a fit, so she gets away with inappropriate behavior.

When someone's boundaries are this out of whack, it takes a lot of effort to retrain them.  And it's not pretty.  If she throws a fit, don't give in.  Not one iota. 

Her next fit may have a shorter duration.  Someday she may forgo the fit and downgrade to nasty remarks.  But by then she will know that you guys are Little O's parents and you won't give in to her nonsense.

Good luck with the party!  Let us know how it goes.

MIL is one truly self-absorbed person, that's for sure.  Apparently, I'm not alone.  The family is planning an intervention of sorts, in which they're going to tell MIL that she needs to seek some help for her issues.  Whether she's truly mentally ill or just a jerk is up to the shrink to decide...assuming that she ever gets to one.

[sbtier]

This seems like such a big stressful situation, I'd be inclined to un-invite MIL.

[bellawitch]

Would it be possible to the party elsewhere and let MIL arrive, with her unwanted purchases and nasties, to a dark, unoccupied house? It might sound harsh to have her miss out on the party, but it sounds like she needs a big wake up call.

[jibby]

Evil me would change the date and inform everyone else now and then her one day ahead of time, or the morning of.  But then, that would not be nice.

I'm not so sure that's a bad idea.  Now it *would* be rude if you told her the party was the day before the real party...then used her food/cake the next day at the real party.   

[Synergy]

While I agree that the MIL is out of bounds and needs to be set straight, I can't help but feel for the people who are traveling 2 hours under the false understanding that they're invited guests.   

Is there some way to let them know...or ensure that your MIL let's them know...that they haven't been invited to the birthday party?

[CherryRipe]

Evil me would change the date and inform everyone else now and then her one day ahead of time, or the morning of.  But then, that would not be nice.

I'm not so sure that's a bad idea.  Now it *would* be rude if you told her the party was the day before the real party...then used her food/cake the next day at the real party.   

Maybe, but would it be rude if you told her the party was the day before the real party, served her food and cake at the "day-before" party, and then served your OWN food and cake the next day?

[LeveeWoman]

Maybe, but would it be rude if you told her the party was the day before the real party, served her food and cake at the "day-before" party, and then served your OWN food and cake the next day?

Won't that just encourage the pushiness?

[Orisha]

While I agree that the MIL is out of bounds and needs to be set straight, I can't help but feel for the people who are traveling 2 hours under the false understanding that they're invited guests.   

Is there some way to let them know...or ensure that your MIL let's them know...that they haven't been invited to the birthday party?

Under normal circumstances, I would, but I wouldn't feel too sorry for these particular people.  They're horrible racists who've made all sorts of slurs against my ethnicity (which of course my daughter shares), been repeatedly rude to my family and who know they're not welcome in our home.  For some reason, they still feel entitled to attending these faaaammmily events.

And yes, I think that using her food would just encourage pushiness.  What we've done is kept most of the preparations under wraps, saying "thanks, but everything's under control."  MIL said she really wanted to bring something, so DH told her that she can bring a veggie plater.   (Since the goal here is not to exclude her, but to get her to respect boundaries.)

[Shoo]

Has the birthday party happened yet?