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Author Topic: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"  (Read 14619 times)

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shygirl

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"Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« on: August 19, 2010, 09:48:35 PM »
Background:  http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=81533.0

Basically, I was pregnant, became very sick and ended up delivering my baby (a boy) 10 weeks early.  I spent a week in the hospital, on heavy pain medication and feeling depressed about the whole situation.

The day after the baby was born, I texted a picture of him along with the name we picked out to my dad.  The baby's first name is Dexter, middle name is my dad's first name, and last name is our last name.  Every other single person who knows the baby's name has liked it, except for my parents.  I was 99.99% sure that my dad wouldn't like it, but I wasn't overly concerned about him liking the name.  Way before the baby was born, I did ask my parents for some suggestions and they came up with the WORST names I have ever heard.  That wasn't only my opinion, my sister also thought the same thing.  Frankly, I'm surprised my sister and I have okay names.

Anyway, my dad called me sometime after he got that text, and after a few other "suggestions" of what I should or shouldn't do, he asked "Oh, by the way, is it too late to change the baby's name?"

I was silent for about a minute, and then said "I can't believe you would ask something like that."

My dad said something like "the name was complicated", and apparently there's a tradition where the middle name is supposed to be an adjective, and some other things.

I may have become slightly hysterical.  My excuse is that this was Day 4 in the hospital, and the day after I gave birth, and I was in a lot of pain, and really really really stressed out.  I told my dad that the only acceptable thing to say when someone tells you her baby's name is "Oh that's a nice name" even if you didn't like it.  I also said this wasn't the time to question something like that, that I had asked for the input earlier, and I wasn't asking for anything now.  As I kept talking, I think I may have started ranting a bit.  Which is wrong, I know.  But see my earlier excuse.  My dad hung up on me.

Even though I thought I was right and he was wrong, I called back and apologized for yelling.  My dad did not apologize for anything.  He said he was "just asking", not making any judgements on the name.  I didn't feel like discussing anything with him anymore, so I just said "whatever", but I do feel like he was making a judgement.  I mean, why else would you ask someone if it's too late to change the name?

It's now been 4 weeks since that, but it still bothers me.  My DH says I should just "nod and smile" to whatever my dad says, and then go about my business the way I want.  Usually I do, but that week I feel like people should have been extra nice to me even if I was a little crazy.  Am I wrong?

PS.  Our baby is doing really well!  Getting chubby now, and developing his own personality.  We hope that he can come home soon!

Animala

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2010, 10:17:46 PM »
Having lived through a similar situation (although mine was only eight weeks early) and been sick in the hospital after the baby was born I can't even imagine having to deal with that on top of everything.  I know it is a highly emotional time and you were still recovering.  Knowing that and since you don't indicate that he has a pattern of behavior here I think that it would be best to let it go.  You really don't need to be spending emotional energy on being upset with him.

Congrats on little Dexter.

ETA: What I thought I typed, but disappeared :/
« Last Edit: August 19, 2010, 10:22:13 PM by Animala »

KimberlyRose

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2010, 10:22:47 PM »
He said he was "just asking", not making any judgements on the name.

Baloney.  The only reason to ask if it's too late to change the name is if he thinks it should be something else.

You were in the hospital, stressed about your baby, on heavy medications, and all he could do on the phone was pick at you?  Yeah, technically it's probably rude to go off on him, but your dad was rude to pick at you rather than offer you support when you needed it.  Even though you'll probably never get it, I think your dad owes you an apology.

And, congrats and (((Hugs))).  Hope your little guy gets to come home soon.

KenveeB

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2010, 10:24:56 PM »
Your dad was absolutely, 100%, completely and totally in the wrong! <big hugs> But there's nothing you can do about it now, so I would suggest you take your DH's advice and just enjoy the wonderful gift of having Dexter healthy and with you.  Your dad will realize he was an idiot on his own or won't.  If for some reason he dares to bring it up again, I would say give him the frostiest glare you can manage and say "That is not up for discussion."

Kimblee

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2010, 10:52:40 PM »
Dexter is such a cute name! I havn't heard it much but i just love it to death.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

Sounds like your dad is being a jerk. I firmly believe no one should be able to negitively comment on a name, as long as its not a cruel name. (I have a cousin whose middle name is "cuss it all to tarnation" Seriously.) And Dexter is definatly not cruel, its cute and makes me think your kiddo might become a child genius.

aiki

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2010, 11:07:19 PM »

My dad said something like "the name was complicated", and apparently there's a tradition where the middle name is supposed to be an adjective, and some other things.

An adjective? How does that even work?

John Big Smith?
David Wet Jones?
Alexander Elongated Fox-Carter?

Your father is wildly out of line - you know that right? - and I think that if possible you should avoid him until you're physically and emotionally rested enough to maintain your boundaries. Can your husband or mother run interference in the mean time?
"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."  - Oscar Wilde

shygirl

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2010, 11:19:02 PM »

My dad said something like "the name was complicated", and apparently there's a tradition where the middle name is supposed to be an adjective, and some other things.

An adjective? How does that even work?

John Big Smith?
David Wet Jones?
Alexander Elongated Fox-Carter?

Your father is wildly out of line - you know that right? - and I think that if possible you should avoid him until you're physically and emotionally rested enough to maintain your boundaries. Can your husband or mother run interference in the mean time?

Lol!  I think I should have mentioned that my family is from India, so my parents had been only coming up with suggestions of names in our language.

Avoiding my dad right now is pretty easy actually, since he lives in a different state than us.  So mainly, we just talk over the phone.  After that incident, and another incident where I had to tell my dad several times my health care wasn't up for discussion, our phone calls have been greatly reduced.

Thanks for the validation everyone.  I felt bad that I ended up kind of yelling at my dad, but this whole time I've felt like maybe under the circumstances certain people should have known better.

Venus193

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2010, 11:20:57 PM »
Congratulations on baby Dexter.

I completely agree with KimberlyRose.  Your father was trying to bully you into changing the baby's name.

I completely despise naming traditions that carry obligations of this type.  Blanche's older brother was originally named for their paternal grandfather.  When he was about two years old they went to live for a while with the maternal grandparents who then changed his name to the maternal grandfather's name.

Imagine hearing yourself called John for the first two years of your life and suddenly you're James.  No wonder this guy was a paranoid mess.





anonymoose

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2010, 11:21:20 PM »

PS.  Our baby is doing really well!  Getting chubby now, and developing his own personality.  We hope that he can come home soon!

I am SO happy to hear that the baby (and you, of course!) are doing well.

You are completely right and your dad was completely wrong. I'm actually kind of angry on your behalf, your dad should have been thanking his lucky stars that you and the baby were doing ok, not quibbling about the baby's name!

missmolly

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2010, 11:49:14 PM »
I think the best thing to do with these kind of questions is to give a very short and very final response,

"Is it too late to change the baby's name".

"Yes it is".

Then beandip if necessary.

Don't argue the point with your Dad. It sounds like you put yourself under a lot of stress when you had that conversation.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

Seraphine1

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2010, 05:56:24 AM »
We had a similar situation with my parents, who are Canadian.  My husband and I live in Scotland, and wanted to give our daughter a Scottish name.  We chose Eilidh (AY-Lee), which is a very popular choice over here (in the top 20), while it's somewhat unheard of in other countries.

My dad sent me a one line email when he heard what the baby's name was going to be:


Why are you going to call my granddaughter Eyelid??
Dad



This was my reply:

Dear Dad

We felt that Earlobe was getting too popular.

Your granddaughter's name will be Eilidh, pronounced like Kaylee without the K. It means "light" in Gaelic. We chose it because it's beautiful, and while it is unique, it's a very popular name in this country where the spelling and the pronounciation isn't an issue. We love the name and even if you don't, I know you'll still love your granddaughter just the same.

So stop picking on a tired pregnant woman for her choices. We'll talk more this weekend.

Love Daughter




He never said anything again.



My mother repeatedly has told me we'll have to change the spelling when she gets older (as if!), and that all the other kids will tease her about her name when she goes to school.  Why, I always say... because there might be 5 of them in her class? (which is entirely possible here!)   Oh well, she'll learn eventually!

Giggity

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2010, 07:15:27 AM »
My dad said something like "the name was complicated", and apparently there's a tradition where the middle name is supposed to be an adjective, and some other things.

Wouldn't a family tradition be something you were aware of before lo, that very moment?
Words mean things.

Giggity

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2010, 07:17:34 AM »
This was my reply:

Dear Dad

We felt that Earlobe was getting too popular.

Laughing HARD here ... Seraphine1 for the win!
Words mean things.

Scritzy

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2010, 08:02:35 AM »
Why are you going to call my granddaughter Eyelid??
Dad



This was my reply:

Dear Dad

We felt that Earlobe was getting too popular.



Owned! ;D
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It will pass. Or not.

high dudgeon

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Re: "Are you sure that's what you want to name the baby?"
« Reply #14 on: August 20, 2010, 08:28:09 AM »
Yes, your father was trying to bully and pressure you and that was rude of him. It's also rude to yell at him, but personally I'd give you a get out of ehell free card considering the medical issues involved. Greatly reducing the phone contact seems like an excellent idea to me. Only because it would be rude to say to him, "Dad, it sounds like you've picked out a name you like better. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean it's too late for you to have your own name legally changed. Maybe you should go for it?" >:D

The family tradition of making the middle name an adjective can't be very important or significant if no one every bothered to mention it to you at any point in the last nine months, or really at any other point during your life. And even if you had been aware of the tradition, it doesn't mean you had any obligation whatsoever to follow it if it's not what you thought was right for you and your child. And it seems so incredibly odd that he's complaining, especially since Dexter's first name is an adjective. Isn't that good enough? I do love the name by the way!!!

Seraphine, that was brilliant!