Author Topic: So... are we on the same page with this?  (Read 5468 times)

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PeasNCues

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So... are we on the same page with this?
« on: August 24, 2010, 12:39:02 PM »
After casually dating for some time now, I think I've met a guy that I want to start a relationship with.

We've been dating for a little while now and I want to make sure we are on the same page.

How do you word that? "Hey, Dude, just wanted to know if this was casual for you or if I am your girlfriend?"
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cshiley

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2010, 01:01:30 PM »
"I really like spending time with you and I'd like to know if we're on the same page. Am I your girlfriend?"

I figure if it is going well, it's hard to ask the question wrong, and if it's not going well, there's no way to ask the question right.

edited to add: I once said to a guy "You're neat. Can I keep you?" but I guess you do have to get the conversation around to "So.... are we exclusive?" and what each of you means by boyfriend/girlfriend, and so on.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2010, 01:04:15 PM by cshiley »

PeasNCues

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2010, 01:03:07 PM »
I figure if it is going well, it's hard to ask the question wrong, and if it's not going well, there's no way to ask the question right.
LMAO You are so right!
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

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sisbam

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2010, 01:16:02 PM »
Well, first you need to decide whether you would still be willing to date casually if he's not on the same page as you.

I told Brobam, "You know, I don't think I really want to date anyone else."  But my goal was exclusivity. I don't really know what to say if you want an open relationship or anything like that.

dearabby

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2010, 01:18:39 PM »
It might help to understand how long you've been dating and how you seem to relate to each other... but often that discussion evolves from your own boundaries.

Do you feel like the relationship has had time to get to that point?  (Sometimes I think we can jump the gun on trying to define things too early)

For example, I don't get physical with somebody (beyond kissing) if it's not an exclusive thing.  When the relationship gets to that point, then the discussion comes up.  Still, it's not a "where do you see this going", it's based on your own values and boundaries.

Larrabee

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2010, 01:25:05 PM »

I have to say, I don't really like "Am I your girlfriend?" because to me it sort of implies that the decision is all his rather than being a mutual, agreed thing between you.

How about "so its been x number of weeks, it seems to me like we're getting into the girlfriend/boyfriend zone, do you agree?"

Sheila Take a Bow

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2010, 02:11:13 PM »
"I really like spending time with you and I'd like to know if we're on the same page. Am I your girlfriend?"

I figure if it is going well, it's hard to ask the question wrong, and if it's not going well, there's no way to ask the question right.

This is so true.  At one point when I was dating now-DH, I blurted out a stupid question like, "Do you consider me your girlfriend?"  His answer was something like, "Well, that's how I've been describing you to people, so I'd say yes."  It actually felt more like a funny moment than an awkward one.


Dindrane

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2010, 02:21:04 PM »
Well, in a technical sense of the word, you do already have a relationship with this guy.  So I think your next step should be figuring out what that relationship's boundaries are.

In other words, I wouldn't ask, "am I your girlfriend?"  I think you should think about what being a girlfriend means to you in terms of specific behaviors/rules (I'd guess that exclusivity is one of them), and then ask about those specific behaviors and rules instead.


joraemi

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2010, 04:24:51 PM »
"I'm really enjoying our time together. Maybe we could talk about what we are both expecting from this relationship at this point in time."




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Larrabee

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2010, 04:29:36 PM »
"I'm really enjoying our time together. Maybe we could talk about what we are both expecting from this rel@tionship at this point in time."

POD!

Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2010, 04:30:54 PM »

I think I agree with other posters that 'Am I your girlfriend' sounds a bit 'off'-it sounds a bit high-schoolish, to my ears. That's just my feeling though, I could be way off base.  As far as the conversation goes, I am always fan of being direct, and open-games are not of any use in this sort of situation (or really, in any other situation).    I would just say something like-'Name, I feel like we're really getting on well, and I feel that I'm at the stage where I would like to consider exclusivity. If you're not ready yet, I'm up for discussing why, and listening. But long term, I am looking for a monogamous relationship, and if we're to continue dating, that's my ultimate goal.' That sounds a bit stilited, I'm afraid-I must confess I've never actually had a conversation like that. I've been with bf for three years now, but we just sort of slid into our relationship, with no awkward conversations. I do agree with the PP who said if it's the right relationship for you, you can't mess it up. Good luck!
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ShadesOfGrey

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2010, 04:33:16 PM »
I would go with simple and straightforward. I would also take the vulnerability leap first, rather than asking him to. 

"So, Date, I want to tell you that I really enjoy our time together.  I would like to know if we're on the same page about that.  What I'd like is to be exclusive with you, and to continue spending time together as we have in the past [or whatever it means to you to cross from "casual" to "relationship"]. For me, my feelings are getting past the point where I can call this casual, and I wanted to know if you are on the same page, or if you prefer to keep it more casual."

And then wait for a response.  Good luck, and I'm very happy for you!
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Suze

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #12 on: August 24, 2010, 04:34:33 PM »
of course you could always start it out a bit silly

give him a note that says

do you like me - check yes or no.
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Grape

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #13 on: August 24, 2010, 06:08:46 PM »
^ That would be totally awesome in the right rel@tionship. My guy would have laughed!

MadMadge43

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #14 on: August 24, 2010, 06:21:29 PM »
I have to tell you, I'm not so sure asking is the way to go. Guys are weird. If you straight out ask then they feel like you kind of forced them into something. But if you don't ask them then you run the risk of them never bringing it up.

I have noticed my best relationships the guy never had a problem saying it because he was into me as I was into him. I didn't have to ask. Or as, sneaky as this is, I'd force him into saying it. Bringing up a "blind" date that your friend is forcing you into usually let's the guy bring it up. Then you can look surprised and say "oh, I you never said anything! But it makes me so happy, of course I'll cancel the blind date"

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I found in the dating world a little bit of subterfuge always came in handy.