Author Topic: So... are we on the same page with this?  (Read 5453 times)

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Larrabee

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #15 on: August 24, 2010, 06:22:49 PM »
I have to tell you, I'm not so sure asking is the way to go. Guys are weird. If you straight out ask then they feel like you kind of forced them into something. But if you don't ask them then you run the risk of them never bringing it up.

I have noticed my best rel@tionships the guy never had a problem saying it because he was into me as I was into him. I didn't have to ask. Or as, sneaky as this is, I'd force him into saying it. Bringing up a "blind" date that your friend is forcing you into usually let's the guy bring it up. Then you can look surprised and say "oh, I you never said anything! But it makes me so happy, of course I'll cancel the blind date"

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I found in the d@ting world a little bit of subterfuge always came in handy.

You just summed up why I hate the dating world  :(


Judah

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #16 on: August 24, 2010, 06:32:01 PM »
I have to tell you, I'm not so sure asking is the way to go. Guys are weird. If you straight out ask then they feel like you kind of forced them into something. But if you don't ask them then you run the risk of them never bringing it up.

I have noticed my best rel@tionships the guy never had a problem saying it because he was into me as I was into him. I didn't have to ask. Or as, sneaky as this is, I'd force him into saying it. Bringing up a "blind" date that your friend is forcing you into usually let's the guy bring it up. Then you can look surprised and say "oh, I you never said anything! But it makes me so happy, of course I'll cancel the blind date"

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I found in the d@ting world a little bit of subterfuge always came in handy.

I don't play games and I don't see how this kind of game playing will help to lay the foundation of a solid relationship.

I think joraemi had the best verbiage: simple and straight to the point.
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Miss March

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #17 on: August 24, 2010, 08:27:40 PM »
I like "You're neat, can I keep you?" That wins my vote as a fun, light hearted way to open a conversation becoming boyfriend/girlfriend.
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DangerMouth

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2010, 09:32:13 PM »
I have to tell you, I'm not so sure asking is the way to go. Guys are weird. If you straight out ask then they feel like you kind of forced them into something. But if you don't ask them then you run the risk of them never bringing it up.

I have noticed my best rel@tionships the guy never had a problem saying it because he was into me as I was into him. I didn't have to ask. Or as, sneaky as this is, I'd force him into saying it. Bringing up a "blind" date that your friend is forcing you into usually let's the guy bring it up. Then you can look surprised and say "oh, I you never said anything! But it makes me so happy, of course I'll cancel the blind date"

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I found in the d@ting world a little bit of subterfuge always came in handy.

And if he's got a good poker face, and completely hides that he's surprized and maybe hurt, but now he realizes you just aren't all that into him?

I don't know a good way to have the conversation the OP wants to have, but that's a terrible way to do it.

Allyson

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #19 on: August 24, 2010, 10:02:26 PM »
With my current guy, I was pretty straightup, and said "So hey, before this goes any further, we should probably talk about what we're doing here." We'd hung out on a few occasions but I really couldn't say if they were 'dates' as it just kind of...evolved. He was really relieved I brought it up, so it's definitely not all guys who get weirded out by it. ;) We're both terrible initiators so it's kind of a miracle we ever ended up together! From that discussion we figured we were dating, but it was too early to call it a 'relationship', though neither of us was seeing anyone else. A couple weeks after that I was talking about my past relationships, and how I'd dated several people who hadn't wanted to call me their girlfriend, and he jumped in with, "I definitely want to call you my girlfriend" :D

With my last ex, he brought it up fairly early as he hated having things be undefined!

PaddedPaws

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #20 on: August 25, 2010, 01:29:10 AM »
I decided to ask outright. I know some guys are weirded out by direct talk because there's all this cultural baggage around the idea of women trying to push men into serious relationships. But, I am not good at being indirect about things that are important to me.

With my boyfriend, it was a pretty natural conversation. On our first date, he told me he was struck by the chemistry between us, and I told him I felt the same. So we knew from the beginning that there was a mutual attraction and an interest in going farther. At a couple of weeks, I just asked "Would you describe me as your girlfriend?" (I asked because I was confident that he would feel comfortable tactfully telling me if he wasn't ready for that label.) He said he had assumed that we were girlfriend/boyfriend.

If he had told me he felt it was too soon, I would have been fine with that, also. (If was still unsure a few months later, that would have been a problem, though, and probably a deal breaker.)

Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #21 on: August 25, 2010, 03:14:22 AM »
I have to tell you, I'm not so sure asking is the way to go. Guys are weird. If you straight out ask then they feel like you kind of forced them into something. But if you don't ask them then you run the risk of them never bringing it up.

I have noticed my best rel@tionships the guy never had a problem saying it because he was into me as I was into him. I didn't have to ask. Or as, sneaky as this is, I'd force him into saying it. Bringing up a "blind" date that your friend is forcing you into usually let's the guy bring it up. Then you can look surprised and say "oh, I you never said anything! But it makes me so happy, of course I'll cancel the blind date"

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I found in the d@ting world a little bit of subterfuge always came in handy.

I'm not attacking you personally, here, as I've seen versions of the above statement many times, both on e-hell and IRL. But I think that games and dishonesty are never, ever, the way to go. I think that the approach mentioned above infantalises men, and devalues women, and I could not disagree with it more. I really think that books like 'The Rules' and even 'He's just not that into you' have a great deal to answer for. The latter book makes more sense than the former, but what annoys me about it is that it implies that men are somehow a special species who cannot communicate without being either cads or loons. Sure, men are sometimes evasive, but so are women.

If Peas wants to see if she's on the same page with this guy, she should ask him. No tricks, no hocus pocus. If you want an honest rel@tionship, it is better to start it on a basis of honesty.

ETA. I do see what you're saying about 'not having to ask' and I do agree that it is pleasanter not to 'have' to ask. But not all men got the memo that they are supposed to make all the running. My bf didn't, we sort of asked each other out, and I was the first to say 'I love you'.  Asking puts one in a vulnerable position, sure. But really, truly, there is no rule that says that the man has always to go first, or he's 'just not that into' the woman. That is a vast oversimplifcation.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2010, 03:24:00 AM by lucretia »
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Bethalize

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #22 on: August 25, 2010, 03:33:43 AM »
"Am I your girlfriend?" is a very "child" statement rather than an "adult" statement. It pushes him into the role of "parent", making the decision and taking the responsiblitity. Better ways to phrases it might include "Would you like us to date exclusively?"

Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #23 on: August 25, 2010, 04:04:17 AM »
I have to tell you, I'm not so sure asking is the way to go. Guys are weird. If you straight out ask then they feel like you kind of forced them into something. But if you don't ask them then you run the risk of them never bringing it up.

I have noticed my best rel@tionships the guy never had a problem saying it because he was into me as I was into him. I didn't have to ask. Or as, sneaky as this is, I'd force him into saying it. Bringing up a "blind" date that your friend is forcing you into usually let's the guy bring it up. Then you can look surprised and say "oh, I you never said anything! But it makes me so happy, of course I'll cancel the blind date"

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I found in the d@ting world a little bit of subterfuge always came in handy.

I'm not attacking you personally, here, as I've seen versions of the above statement many times, both on e-hell and IRL. But I think that games and dishonesty are never, ever, the way to go. I think that the approach mentioned above infantalises men, and devalues women, and I could not disagree with it more. I really think that books like 'The Rules' and even 'He's just not that into you' have a great deal to answer for. The latter book makes more sense than the former, but what annoys me about it is that it implies that men are somehow a special species who cannot communicate without being either cads or loons. Sure, men are sometimes evasive, but so are women.

If Peas wants to see if she's on the same page with this guy, she should ask him. No tricks, no hocus pocus. If you want an honest rel@tionship, it is better to start it on a basis of honesty.

ETA. I do see what you're saying about 'not having to ask' and I do agree that it is pleasanter not to 'have' to ask. But not all men got the memo that they are supposed to make all the running. My bf didn't, we sort of asked each other out, and I was the first to say 'I love you'.  Asking puts one in a vulnerable position, sure. But really, truly, there is no rule that says that the man has always to go first, or he's 'just not that into' the woman. That is a vast oversimplifcation.

YES.  thank you!! I agree so much.  I've seen game-playing type advice given in a lot of different venues (forums, livejournal, MY FRIENDS (seriously what)) but I just hate that.  If someone is going to be in an exclusive rel@tionship with you, don't you want (and need!) to be able to be open and honest with them?  Therefore, starting things off by playing mind games just sets the tone for the rel@tionship--and i have seen it happen a LOT amongst my friends, when the entire rel@tionship is all mind games and saying one thing but meaning the other and hinting and just not being straight with the person.  I have no time for that, life is too short to beat around the bush.

On the other hand, (going to an earlier post you made) my BF and I sorta fell together too, like you and your BF..we were good friends for awhile, I developed a crush on him (and wrote a NOTE.  how EMBARRASING.  I couldn't say it! AHH!) and he asked me out shortly after confirming that he felt the same way...we've been together ever since.  We were always exclusive so there was no in-between period of casual d@ting.

I would just bring it up one day over coffee or hanging out at your house or something when you are relaxing with him and having a good conversation.  just say something like "so guy, I love the time we spend together, and I was thinking we should talk about where things are gonna go from here.  I'd love this to be an exclusive thing, but I wanted to see what you thought too."  Something simple, like that.  I also like "you're neat,  can i keep you?" maybe you can use that as your introduction!

Awww, what a nice story! I don't think there was anything wrong with writing a note, in your case. Me and bf were the same about no casual dating, but I think that's a cultural difference between the US and the UK. We don't really do casual dating here-some people do, but, and it's becoming more common. Often, though, it's seen as 'being a player' as a man, or 'being an ummentionable' as a woman.

Peas, I third the idea of ,making it lighthearted, over coffee sounds perfect-at home, rather than in a coffee shop.
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Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #24 on: August 25, 2010, 04:37:46 AM »


thanks! I'm a lot better at expressing myself with words rather than verbally so that's why I did it.  After I got over the initial awkwardness I didn't have to write notes

I'm in the US but I know a lot of people do the casual d@ting thing, to get to know each other and stuff.  i've always formed a friendship first which then progresses into d@ting, removing the need to do casual d@ting (what's the point, you already know each other really well!)  I think it can work out either way, I just tend to crush on my friends based on past experiences instead of meeting someone and plunging into the d@ting thing right away.  I've been with my BF for a long time though so it's honestly been awhile since I had to deal with it.
(



I'm the same, been with bf for 3 years. I'm like you as well, never really 'dated' as such, just fell into relationships with friends. Bf was actually the first guy I dated who was not a friend first-he is a relative of friends of ours who were our houseguests, before emigrating to NZ. Bf came over to visit them before they emigrated, and that's how we met.

I actually think that casual dating can be a good idea-it means you (general) can get to know a range of people. But I still think I'd  feel a bit odd doing it. I don't envy people dating-I'm sure it can be exciting, but I think I'd find it pretty stressful :P
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NutMeg

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #25 on: August 25, 2010, 03:44:07 PM »
My SO and I did not know each other at ALL when we started d@ting, but we both knew right away that it wasn't casual. We didn't have to be explicit about a lot of things in the beginning because we both understood and just wanted to enjoy it for a while before we started defining things. I started referring to him as my boyfriend immediately, although we didn't talk about it. He ended up introducing me as his girlfriend at his friend's house party a few weeks after we got together, and gave me this cautious sideways look to see how it went over. It was pretty funny.

He asked me a few months ago if we'd ever discussed being exclusive and I told him about that moment, which he agreed was pretty funny. He did say that he was sure I was his girlfriend at that point, we basically spent every day together after that first "date" thing.

I like the advice posted earlier in the thread, if it's right then it's going to be hard to screw up. Not that I advocate trying. :P

ETA: Our first I love you was AFTER we had decided to move in together, and occurred during a fight. I asked him why he was being such a moron (I can't even remember what about now), and he yelled back "Because I love you!" I paused, and continued with the argument. Afterward I hugged him and said that I loved him too, I was just too mad to stop and say it back at the time. We are wackos.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2010, 03:46:50 PM by NutMeg »
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MadMadge43

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #26 on: August 25, 2010, 04:11:19 PM »
Lucretia,

No offense taken to your post. I knew I was going to get a lot of "no game playing responses". And if the world was perfect I'd totally agree with you. But the truth is that almost everyone likes thinking it's "their idea" about almost anything, not just men. Just trying to give her one more perspective than the "of course you should ask, every guy loves to be asked that" vein that's been going on.

Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #27 on: August 25, 2010, 06:22:24 PM »
Lucretia,

No offense taken to your post. I knew I was going to get a lot of "no game playing responses". And if the world was perfect I'd totally agree with you. But the truth is that almost everyone likes thinking it's "their idea" about almost anything, not just men. Just trying to give her one more perspective than the "of course you should ask, every guy loves to be asked that" vein that's been going on.

Mad Madge,

Thank you :) I'm really glad I didn't offend you, that certainly wasn't my intention. I totally hear you about not wanting to force the issue, and create an awkward situation whereby one person feels they need to 'go along with' the other. Of course it isn't easy, and you're so right we don't live in a perfect world. I just think that I agree with the poster who said that if it's a good fit, there's no way to mess up.
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libraryliz

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #28 on: August 26, 2010, 03:03:23 AM »
About 6 to 8 weeksish into our relationship, a national scandal broke out involving a politician who went "missing" and turned up in another country with another woman.  My BF (though I wouldn't have used that term then) and I were having dinner right before he was leaving for a business trip.  We were discussing the bizarre situation with the politician, and my (now) BF looked me in the eye and told me that he could promise he wouldn't go to another country or be with any other women.  It was a funny little way, but it was his way of telling me that he wanted to be exclusive.

He got back from the business trip and we were relaxing, enjoying drinks on his patio and he made a comment about how nice it was to just spend a quiet evening with his girlfriend.  I laughed and asked if that is what I was.  He gave me a hurt look and said, "of course."

So in the best relationships (in my experience), these things evolve naturally.  But it doesn't hurt to guide the conversation.  In some circles, it is called the DTR "define the relationship" talk.  And it can start with, as many other posters have suggested, with, "I've enjoyed spending time with you..."
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Arista

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Re: So... are we on the same page with this?
« Reply #29 on: August 26, 2010, 04:49:27 AM »
I would keep it lighthearted but straightforward by saying something along the lines of, "I've really been enjoying the time we've been spending together, and I think you're so awesome that I don't want to share you with anyone else.  How would you feel about being exclusive?"