"I'm amazed/would you really do that?"

[supernova]

Actually, one of the things that counselors advise is to phrase things in terms of "I feel" statements -- this is supposed to be seen as non-aggressive and non-accusatory.

"I'm a little surprised you'd think that I'd be okay with baseball-game tickets on our anniversary," is a very, very mild thing to say, for example. 

I know I'm disagreeing with the majority here, but I think that "I'm rather amazed by the strong reactions I'm getting to X post" is a very appropriate thing to say on an etiquette board, especially when you are genuinely feeling surprised.

I'd love to hear suggestions of a better way to phrase this statement.  Genuinely asking, not being snarky, honest. 

     - saphie

[Lisbeth]

Actually, one of the things that counselors advise is to phrase things in terms of "I feel" statements -- this is supposed to be seen as non-aggressive and non-accusatory.

"I'm a little surprised you'd think that I'd be okay with baseball-game tickets on our anniversary," is a very, very mild thing to say, for example. 

I know I'm disagreeing with the majority here, but I think that "I'm rather amazed by the strong reactions I'm getting to X post" is a very appropriate thing to say on an etiquette board, especially when you are genuinely feeling surprised.

I'd love to hear suggestions of a better way to phrase this statement.  Genuinely asking, not being snarky, honest. 

     - saphie

Rather than saying "I'm amazed" or questioning the other person with "You would really do that?" I think saying something like "That seems extreme" is probably more in tune with etiquette.  Also, although counselors might suggest saying "I feel, etc.", mentioning how astounded one is simply because one disagrees with someone else probably does add fuel to a fire, which is something we really do want to avoid doing here in the Ehell forum.

[HollysCats]

I'm amazed  that everyone is focused on the use of this phrase to refer to other posters' advice.  I thought this thread would be about using "I'm amazed / would you really?" in threads in which opinions are divided about whether something is polite (or otherwise okay) or not.  Like this:

I'm amazed -- you really (take your shoes off / leave your shoes on) in other people's houses?  And you don't think that's rude?  Really?

I sometimes see that kind of thing in threads after several people have posted that they do whatever this "amazing" thing is, and I think that expressing disbelief at that point is a bit ingenuous, if not outright rude.

[Lisbeth]

I'm amazed  that everyone is focused on the use of this phrase to refer to other posters' advice.  I thought this thread would be about using "I'm amazed / would you really?" in threads in which opinions are divided about whether something is polite (or otherwise okay) or not.  Like this:

I'm amazed -- you really (take your shoes off / leave your shoes on) in other people's houses?  And you don't think that's rude?  Really?

I sometimes see that kind of thing in threads after several people have posted that they do whatever this "amazing" thing is, and I think that expressing disbelief at that point is a bit ingenuous, if not outright rude.

Well, these two phrases can come up in different respects, so I was wondering about the politeness of the ways they get used in this forum.

I agree that expressing disbelief in the manner of your quote comes off pretty rudely and in an inflammatory way.  When it comes to the advice we offer each other, it does seem to happen more often in circumstances where a poster has suggested going to the police, offering the cut direct, breaking off a relationship, or other situations that seem to be more extreme than we might normally encounter.

[Surianne]

I'm amazed  that everyone is focused on the use of this phrase to refer to other posters' advice.  I thought this thread would be about using "I'm amazed / would you really?" in threads in which opinions are divided about whether something is polite (or otherwise okay) or not.  Like this:

I'm amazed -- you really (take your shoes off / leave your shoes on) in other people's houses?  And you don't think that's rude?  Really?

I sometimes see that kind of thing in threads after several people have posted that they do whatever this "amazing" thing is, and I think that expressing disbelief at that point is a bit ingenuous, if not outright rude.

I absolutely hate this and do find it really rude.  If I slip up and use this phrasing, please, please slap me down (or PM me kindly if you prefer  ).

[AprilRenee]

Actually, one of the things that counselors advise is to phrase things in terms of "I feel" statements -- this is supposed to be seen as non-aggressive and non-accusatory.

"I'm a little surprised you'd think that I'd be okay with baseball-game tickets on our anniversary," is a very, very mild thing to say, for example. 

I know I'm disagreeing with the majority here, but I think that "I'm rather amazed by the strong reactions I'm getting to X post" is a very appropriate thing to say on an etiquette board, especially when you are genuinely feeling surprised.

I'd love to hear suggestions of a better way to phrase this statement.  Genuinely asking, not being snarky, honest. 

     - saphie

I actiually don't have an issue with your phrasing. I think, for me, it becomes an annoyance when it's focusing on something that you (general) doesn't agree with.

So a "I;m amazed by the strong feelings here" becomes "I'm amazed anyone could feel that way/do that" it's not "Amazing" that someone believes differently.

My issue with it is when it implies negative judgement on someone for having a different thought or who would take different actions.

[Surianne]

Yeah, saying something like "I was suprised at how quickly this thread progressed!" or "I'm amazed there are so many different sides to this issue" are both find and very different from "Oh really, you think X is okay?  I'm shocked that someone on an etiquette board would actually believe something so horrendous.  Are you actually telling me you believe that, for real?  Because I find that extraordinarily surprising.  No offense or anything, of course, it just amazing me that someone over the age of 5 would actually believe that.  That's not a judgement, just an expression of disbelief."

[Granny Takes a Trip]

I'm afraid I'm unapologetic in using this term. It doesn't mean the same as 'I disagree'. It means what it says it means, that I am amazed. If it is used too often, I suppose it could get old. But to stop people saying it would come far too close to dictating how we post, for my liking.

[Flora Louise]

Personally, the one that gets me are the posters who start by posting "WOW!" then proceed to just how wrong a previous poster is.

[Lisbeth]

I'm afraid I'm unapologetic in using this term. It doesn't mean the same as 'I disagree'. It means what it says it means, that I am amazed. If it is used too often, I suppose it could get old. But to stop people saying it would come far too close to dictating how we post, for my liking.

Well, here's the thing:  Many of us probably have trucker's mouths and discuss things like politics, religion, and other things that are against the Ehell rules and make jokes that would get us banned if we repeat them here.  That's "shaping posts" too.

Given that we do have to shape our posts according to the rules, we might have to do the same with "I'm amazed, etc." and go back and edit that out before we click the Post or Save buttons.  Sometimes it might be a thing best not expressed.

[Hanna]

I agree with the folks that do not think it is rude or offensive.
I believe it is part of normal conversation.

[Lisbeth]

I agree with the folks that do not think it is rude or offensive.
I believe it is part of normal conversation.

I think it depends on how it's being used.  It can come off as snarky.

[Hanna]

I think people can find offensive wherever they look.
It would be a shame to try and create rules at that level of detail.
I trust the moderators to sort it out.

[Lisbeth]

I think people can find offensive wherever they look.
It would be a shame to try and create rules at that level of detail.
I trust the moderators to sort it out.

The moderators are not quick to get back to posters-and yes, while people can find offense wherever they look, these phrases can be used in ways that are inherently offensive.  I think rules are necessary to make sure that they are not used to be snarky rather than being dismissive about the impact they can have-this forum has split before and I'd hate to see that happen again because someone got too dismissive over someone else's feelings and shrugged it off as "people can find offense wherever they look."

[evely28]

It's a phrase. Just about anything can potentially be snarky. I have been amazed at things I thought were clearcut only to find that there has been a split and it's not as clearcut as I thought. I love the dialog and the back and forth communication that goes on.

I think asking for clarification and giving the benefit of the doubt are more important than perhaps muzzling. Just because some words may be a bit "hot" or negative to you, doesn't make it true for others. If you want to take away amazed then what about flabbergasted, boggled......etc. These are all important words of communication.

It seems like you're trying to fix something that isn't broke. I know when I first came to this forum years ago I was a real newby at disagreeing with someone and the etiquette involved. The lesson I had to learn was disagreeing is not the same as disrespecting and keeping it respectful as I disagreed. We are so varied on this forum, with so many walks of life and the advice given runs the gamut. I see the most important benefit to be the different perspective's.