No, YOUR guest cannot stay at MY house

[gadget--gal]

This happened yesterday.

BG: My mother's two closest friends are a married couple who live, roughly five miles away. They and my mother have a mutual friend, whose son is visiting the UK. I've met the father very briefly but I do not know the son. Now mum is away in the Old Country, for summer and I am home alone in a three bedroom house. Mum's friends also have a three bedroomed house but all their rooms are occupied.

Can you see where this is going?  

Yesterday afternoon, I noticed a missed call from mum's friend (the wife) she'd called about 8am. when I called her back she told me that her son was on the way to pick up the Guest, who was returning from Scotland. Her son would be bringing the guest over to stay at our house till he went home on Thursday but not to worry they'd pick him up in the mornings and entertain him etc.

I said, I was was sorry, I did not know of this arrangement and that I'd begun clearing out the whole house (this was true) the house was in not state for guests. Friend says she was sorry, she'd completely forgotton but the state hof the house wouldn't be a problem as guest was just coming to the spare room to *sleep*. To this I said no, not possible. I'm sleeping in the spare room, while clearing out my own room, and I have clutter all over the house. Could he sleep in mum's room? No, not possible.

She seemed dissapointed and a little taken aback and asked if they could come over and help tidy up quickly. To which I said, no this wasn't a quick tidyjob. I was cleaning the whole house. maybe to soften the blow, I said, "had I known earlier I might not have started..."

So she ummed a little and mused that maybe they'd have him sleep in the sitting room or something. I made some agreeing noises end ended the call.

-------------

I feel a bit bad for disappointing them but they gave me no notice of this. When mum is here  they sometimes ask mum to put up their friends because they have no space. Mum might have agreed to this occaision but I am peeved that no one thought to check if I'd be ok with this while she's not here. He might be their friend but he's a stranger to me.

In fact, the same guy was supposed to stay here in June before going to Scotland and  mum texted me two days prior to his arrival. I did tell mum I was not happy with the situation but mum just said things like "but he's a friend" and "we should try and help people". Luckily due to a couple of things, it did not happen.

The other reason I can't handle an unexpected guest is that I hsave been depressed this summer - part of the reason the house is an awful mess, and I can't handle strangers in my house.

So, I've squashed it this time. I'm not sure if it'll work again.  

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

Yup, someone should have asked you. Concidering you don't know this man.

did friend of Mum's know your Mum was going to be away at this time ?

[gadget--gal]

Yup, someone should have asked you. Concidering you don't know this man.

did friend of Mum's know your Mum was going to be away at this time ?

Yes, they knew Mum would be away all summer.

[Shoo]

They seriously expected you to be fine with a strange man staying in your house?

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

Yup, someone should have asked you. Concidering you don't know this man.

did friend of Mum's know your Mum was going to be away at this time ?

Yes, they knew Mum would be away all summer.

WOW  a man you don't know. What were they thinking ??

[Orisha]

They were presumptuous and rude.  It's not their house.  Even if technically, you have the room and your Mum frequently goes out of her way to help, they still need to *ask* not *tell.*  This goes double for when your Mum isn't there.  You should not be expected to share your home with a stranger. 

[Hillia]

They were very rude to treat your house as if it were their own to offer.  You handled it very nicely.  The only thing you might have done differently is to not offer excuses (the house is messy) as that just opens up the discussion.  But caught off guard by old friends of your parents', I can see how you might feel that was more polite than a flat 'no'.

Congratulations on your backbone!

[Veronica]

They seriously expected you to be fine with a strange man staying in your house?

This.  I would definitely not be okay with what they proposed.

[gadget--gal]

They were very rude to treat your house as if it were their own to offer.  You handled it very nicely.  The only thing you might have done differently is to not offer excuses (the house is messy) as that just opens up the discussion.  But caught off guard by old friends of your parents', I can see how you might feel that was more polite than a flat 'no'.

Congratulations on your backbone!

It nmight sound odd but the excuse, for me, was a CYA tactic. There was no way I would have agreed to him coning, but if I said a flat "no" and it got back to mum it would sound as if I was just being "mean". By saying the place is a mess and adding that I was given no prior notice at least gives a reason behind my "no". Even though I shouldnt have to give a reason.

I just remembered another situation where we hosted someone for them (first paragraph)

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=43650.0

[DangerMouth]

They were very rude to treat your house as if it were their own to offer.  You handled it very nicely.  The only thing you might have done differently is to not offer excuses (the house is messy) as that just opens up the discussion.  But caught off guard by old friends of your parents', I can see how you might feel that was more polite than a flat 'no'.

Congratulations on your backbone!

Yeah, that's a textbook example of how an excuse can be countered. Still, I think the OP did a great job.

[Animala]

If you feel like there might be a repeat, how much notice would you want for them to ask.  Ask of course being the operative word.  Perhaps when it comes up again you can say "I really need you to ask me a week ahead of time." and then stick to it.  Of course you still have the option of saying no.

[Deetee]

While it is quite rude to persume, I could see that perhaps your mom has set a precident.

If your mom had been home, would she have been OK with it (reading your other post, my guess is yes. Someone who would wait on a guest hand and foot for 3 months sounds like she has a pretty liberal hospitality policy.)? Also, is this your mom's house? Do you both pay rent? If your mom has an open door policy and it's her house, your friends may have thought that carried over.

[gadget--gal]

While it is quite rude to persume, I could see that perhaps your mom has set a precident.

If your mom had been home, would she have been OK with it (reading your other post, my guess is yes. Someone who would wait on a guest hand and foot for 3 months sounds like she has a pretty liberal hospitality policy.)? Also, is this your mom's house? Do you both pay rent? If your mom has an open door policy and it's her house, your friends may have thought that carried over.

There's definately a precedent. They have been friends since I was about 5 (I'm almost 32) and have done each other favours - even more so in the past few years  I think. e.g. whenever Mum took a long holiday to the Old Country, she'd drive her car to their driveway and leave them the keys in case they wanted to use it. Now that I have a licence, I drive and maintain the car. Untill a few weeks ago, Mum was staying in their empty house in the Old Country while her house own was being finished.

I moved back to Mums house a couple of years ago. I do pay rent and contribute, thought I can't say whether the friends see me as a grown child or another adult in the house, KWIM?

Thinking a bit more about the present situation: Mum knew Guest was arrving in the UK before she left in late May but forgot to tell me until mid June, 3 days before his arrival. I was peeved and told Mum so over the phone. She said. "sorry about that" in a "my bad" sort of way and said things like " we have to help people out" etc. etc. Thinking back, it was as if *I* was the difficult one.

With that in mind, I wonder if it was a given that Guest would spend a few more days here before his return flight but nobody thought to clue me in. (??)



ETA: and now they're calling my cell phone. (but I'm ignoring it)

[DangerMouth]

While it is quite rude to persume, I could see that perhaps your mom has set a precident.

If your mom had been home, would she have been OK with it (reading your other post, my guess is yes. Someone who would wait on a guest hand and foot for 3 months sounds like she has a pretty liberal hospitality policy.)? Also, is this your mom's house? Do you both pay rent? If your mom has an open door policy and it's her house, your friends may have thought that carried over.

There's definately a precedent. They have been friends since I was about 5 (I'm almost 32) and have done each other favours - even more so in the past few years  I think. e.g. whenever Mum took a long holiday to the Old Country, she'd drive her car to their driveway and leave them the keys in case they wanted to use it. Now that I have a licence, I drive and maintain the car. Untill a few weeks ago, Mum was staying in their empty house in the Old Country while her house own was being finished.

I moved back to Mums house a couple of years ago. I do pay rent and contribute, thought I can't say whether the friends see me as a grown child or another adult in the house, KWIM?

Thinking a bit more about the present situation: Mum knew Guest was arrving in the UK before she left in late May but forgot to tell me until mid June, 3 days before his arrival. I was peeved and told Mum so over the phone. She said. "sorry about that" in a "my bad" sort of way and said things like " we have to help people out" etc. etc. Thinking back, it was as if *I* was the difficult one.

With that in mind, I wonder if it was a given that Guest would spend a few more days here before his return flight but nobody thought to clue me in. (??)



ETA: and now they're calling my cell phone. (but I'm ignoring it)

Hmm, maybe email your mom and see if she knew anything about this?

[Kaymyth]

While it is quite rude to persume, I could see that perhaps your mom has set a precident.

If your mom had been home, would she have been OK with it (reading your other post, my guess is yes. Someone who would wait on a guest hand and foot for 3 months sounds like she has a pretty liberal hospitality policy.)? Also, is this your mom's house? Do you both pay rent? If your mom has an open door policy and it's her house, your friends may have thought that carried over.

There's definately a precedent. They have been friends since I was about 5 (I'm almost 32) and have done each other favours - even more so in the past few years  I think. e.g. whenever Mum took a long holiday to the Old Country, she'd drive her car to their driveway and leave them the keys in case they wanted to use it. Now that I have a licence, I drive and maintain the car. Untill a few weeks ago, Mum was staying in their empty house in the Old Country while her house own was being finished.

I moved back to Mums house a couple of years ago. I do pay rent and contribute, thought I can't say whether the friends see me as a grown child or another adult in the house, KWIM?

Thinking a bit more about the present situation: Mum knew Guest was arrving in the UK before she left in late May but forgot to tell me until mid June, 3 days before his arrival. I was peeved and told Mum so over the phone. She said. "sorry about that" in a "my bad" sort of way and said things like " we have to help people out" etc. etc. Thinking back, it was as if *I* was the difficult one.

With that in mind, I wonder if it was a given that Guest would spend a few more days here before his return flight but nobody thought to clue me in. (??)



ETA: and now they're calling my cell phone. (but I'm ignoring it)

Keep it simple:  "I am not comfortable sleeping while a strange man is in my house."  Ignore any attempts they make to "vouch" for him. Just broken record the sentence ad infinitum.