Rude to withdraw an offer?

[pierrotlunaire0]

I would tell her now, using the excuse that with what she told her, you no longer feel comfortable having her stay with her because it gives her the wrong message.  You are sorry but no.

Warning: If I were you, I would not be surprised if she still did show up one night, expecting to stay at your place.  She sounds like someone who would count on you not to throw a sobbing woman out.  Prepare a back up plan if she does.

[Blondie]

In your situation I would ask Tallgirlfriend for her opinion. She (presumably) knows Mary, and may have better insight in how to handle it. Not to mention it gives you the chance to get on the same page with her, and truly present a united front if/when Mary comes calling. Yes it has a strong potential to get embarrassing for Mary- but that is a situation she put herself in. And Tallgirlfriend will appreciate being let in on the whole thing- its a serious relationship and Marys actions affect her as well.

[Curly Wurly Doggie Breath]

Could Mary be acting up now that your in planning for your and Tallgirl's WEDDING.

Before she could have had a delusion that you and Mary would get back together  and now that your Wedding is being planned, Mary is becoming frantic to keep her illusion going and is trying to get you back..... By hook or by Crook

If Mary turns up on your doorstep, Middle of the night crying, don't let her in,'till Tallgirl is there with you. Give her [mary] taxi fair for a motel for the night, anything but being alone with her

[mechtilde]

In your situation I would ask Tallgirlfriend for her opinion. She (presumably) knows Mary, and may have better insight in how to handle it. Not to mention it gives you the chance to get on the same page with her, and truly present a united front if/when Mary comes calling. Yes it has a strong potential to get embarrassing for Mary- but that is a situation she put herself in. And Tallgirlfriend will appreciate being let in on the whole thing- its a serious rel@tionship and Marys actions affect her as well.

POD.

[bopper]

I would say yes, you should recind the offer. You made it not knowing the depth of her interest in you.
You shouldn't have someone who has a romantic interest staying with you while you are in a relationship.
Other people will talk about trust and you aren't interested in her and blah blah blah, but I think that if you are serious about tallgirlfriend you should have appropriate boundaries with respect to other females and that includes not having one live with you that is interested in you.


To Mary you might say"Mary, I know I have said in the past that you could stay with me if need be if you break up with Mark. I want to let you know that in light of what you have said about missing me and (other mushy stuff) that I don't think it is a good idea given that I have a girlfriend."

[Sara Crewe]

May I ask how much of Mark's behaviour you are getting from Mary?  I only ask because she wouldn't be the first woman to try to cast someone (you!) as a knight in shining armour.

She may be exaggerating Mark's actions, or alternatively, if he is being compared to you on a regular basis, the paranoia/possessiveness may only come out when you are in the vicinity.

I would definitely not let Mary stay with you as I suspect this would only confirm Mark's belief that something is going on.

[blarg314]

You shouldn't have someone who has a romantic interest staying with you while you are in a rel@tionship.

Other people will talk about trust and you aren't interested in her and blah blah blah, but I think that if you are serious about tallgirlfriend you should have appropriate boundaries with respect to other females and that includes not having one live with you that is interested in you.

I would put a slightly different spin on it.

I would say that it's not a good idea to have someone who has an unrequited crush on you staying in your home no matter what the respective relationship statuses are.

It has nothing to do with trust, or commitment to your own relationship. Part of it is to be kind to your crushing friend. When you have a one-sided crush on someone, it's really easy to see absolutely anything as a sign of hope - "He cares about me!  He really does!" so you have to be careful to avoid behaviour that would make it seem like they have a chance. Taking them in after they break up with their boyfriend would definitely fit.

The other factor is protecting yourself from unpleasant situations that result from their own feelings and self delusion. Sharing accommodation with someone who is hopelessly in love with you, and doesn't accept that you have zero interest in them, is a recipe for a really messy situation, no matter how trustworthy you are.

Say, for example, that she declares her undying love and tries some sort of ill-advised Hollywood romance/seduction gambit to lure you in, after she's left Mark. Picture yourself trying to eject a hysterical half naked woman from your apartment in the middle of the night because she won't take no for an answer.

[Lisbeth]

I agree that you should rescind the offer for Mary to stay with you.  I also think it's a good idea to keep Tallgirlfriend in the loop.

Beyond that, can you recommend a hotel for Mary to stay at, if you're still willing to help her out without her staying with you, and have Tallgirlfriend with you when you see her (if you do)?

[gramma dishes]

I agree with what all the other posters have already said.  Yes, you should rescind the offer.  The circumstances have changed.
Yes, you absolutely need to let Tallgirlfriend know what's going on so that the two of you can strategize together.

But frankly, IF her description of Mark is even remotely on the money and he really is that possessive, you are in a predicament that could turn out to be dangerous for YOU.  Especially if she has used you as "bait" for some of her arguments -- i.e. always talking about how wonderful you are, etc.  If she leaves, he's likely to ASSUME she went to you and he may show up at your door with intention to do you harm.  I find that more worrisome than anything else.  [Can you tell?  I'm a Mom of adult children. ]

[bellawitch]

There are groups that deal with abused women and most cities have what are called safe housees. There are places these women go with tight security, and trained staff. Domestic violence can get very nasty very fast, you do not want a drunk boyfriend showing up at 3am.

They will also help with any legal issues, finding her a place to stay etc. They often provide counseling (which it seems she may need). Call your local YWCA, Social Service etc to get infomation on this for Mary.

I can see this turning into a trainwreck. You can support her from a distance, but I would have your girlfriend around at all times. It's just better for everyone.

[tallone]

Late update, been busy sorry! Still, here goes:

After chatting with Tallgirlfriend she told me to go ahead and let Mary stay if she needs to.Tallgirlfriend thinks it's sweet I'd help out a friend like this But to make it clear how things stand I've told Mary that Tallgirlfriend basically lives at my house so in all probability Tallgirlfriend and I would take my room and bed. Mary is of course welcome to use my fold out couch in the loungeroom.

Tallgirlfriend does frequently stay at my house for days at a time because of her work schedule so her spending even a week at my house wouldn't be out of the ordinary. I am now renting so things have changed but the fact she chips in extra rent should smooth out any irritation it might cause with the landlords I have of course checked this with them and they are okay with it. They even offered to have Mary stay on their couch in the main house. Charitable folks, my landlords!

I think that this way I can still help out a friend in need but also in light of her feelings towards me maintain the fact that I will not be engaging with her in any romantic sense.

[Black Delphinium]

Tallgirlfriend is a saint.