Author Topic: If you weren't going to tell me who said it, you shouldn't have said a word...  (Read 3228 times)

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Lashley

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My ex approached me today asking me about a pretty vicious rumor. I of course denied it (it's really not true), and gave the explanation as to why that rumor existed - I knew it was a possibility because there was a boy that wouldn't take "no" for an answer while ex and I were together. I also knew boy said some untrue things about me (I'm in school with all involved people. There are only 170 of us, so everyone knows everything about everyone else). However, I didn't know it was still going on, and ex and I dealt with this two years ago. I was very upset that he still felt the need to question me about it when he had been with me all through the ordeal, all on the basis of a 2 year old rumor.

My ex now will not tell me who said it. I'm extremely upset about it because I feel like I deserve to know who is talking about me. Plus, I spent extensive time making him feel better (he initially approached me saying he needed to know something "for his sanity") and think it's total crap that he won't even tell me who is saying these things. I also feel that if my ex wasn't willing to tell me who told him this untrue thing about me, he never should have approached me about it in the first place.

Two questions: first, I told my ex to take a hike, and that I didn't want him talking to me anymore. I have classes with him. What are my obligations? Do I have to say hello? Is ignoring him completely rude?

Second, I now feel like there are all these unseen rumors all around me at school. Any advice on dealing with that?
« Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 03:07:23 PM by Lashley »

Twik

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Be polite, but a little distant, if you can't avoid him entirely.

It sounds like he's still into drama, if his sanity depends on knowing what his g/f was doing two years ago. I suspect if you ignore him he may cough up the name of the gossiper just to keep the conversation going.
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cshiley

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There might not have been a gossiper; that might have been a cover for him wanting your attention or your explanation or whatever.

Lashley

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True! It just shocks me that we went from planning a wedding to him acting 14. I feel like I don't even know him anymore and it's only been 4 months since it ended.

567Kate

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The best response to a rumor is to just be your wonderful self and assume that anyone who hears it will know it's not true. If you go out of your way to deny it, it will make you look defensive, even though you're right.

It does sound like your ex is trying to make trouble, so I second cshiley that this rumor may not actually be widespread.

Dindrane

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I think that refusing to acknowledge him at all would create a whole lot of drama.  You probably don't want that, so I'd settle for avoiding him as much as you can, and being rather discouraging of continued interaction whenever you can't avoid it.

As for the rumor, you can't make him tell you anything, so I'd quit banging your head against that brick wall.  It's possible there isn't anyone gossiping, as cshiley said, but even if there is...there's really nothing you can do about it anyway.

Just stick scrupulously to the high road with all of it, and I'm sure that the people whose opinions matter will give you a fair shake.


Hanna

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No advice about the ex, but I will say this: One person can make you feel like the whole world is talking about you.  Just one little person can do that, even when 169 aren't involved.
Keep that in mind and keep your chin up.  Anyone worth giving the time of day knows better than to think ill of someone because of a rumor.

missmolly

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Personally I would be inclined to believe that ex is full of bs and may have dreamt this up to mess with you. If there even is a rumour going around, he might have even started it himself.
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sweetgirl

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My best response to rumours is quoting this.

Believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see because nothing is as it appears to be.

Rumours are what i call chinese whispers. I can mention something to you and say "oh did you see Georgia at the wedding? That dress she had on was beautiful" and then 2 weeks later I am being told that I was gossiping about her and calling her nasty names. A conversation starts off in one way and generally by the time it gets back to you is far from what was said in the first place.

Dindrane

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My best response to rumours is quoting this.

Believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see because nothing is as it appears to be.

Rumours are what i call chinese whispers. I can mention something to you and say "oh did you see Georgia at the wedding? That dress she had on was beautiful" and then 2 weeks later I am being told that I was gossiping about her and calling her nasty names. A conversation starts off in one way and generally by the time it gets back to you is far from what was said in the first place.

Why do you call them Chinese whispers?


Namárië

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My best response to rumours is quoting this.

Believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see because nothing is as it appears to be.

Rumours are what i call chinese whispers. I can mention something to you and say "oh did you see Georgia at the wedding? That dress she had on was beautiful" and then 2 weeks later I am being told that I was gossiping about her and calling her nasty names. A conversation starts off in one way and generally by the time it gets back to you is far from what was said in the first place.

Why do you call them Chinese whispers?

According to Wikipedia, that is the accepted name for "Telephone" in British English.

OP, I would just avoid ex when possible, and otherwise be cooly polite. People may be talking about you, they may not, either way the people who matter will get over it.
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sweetgirl

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Because when you play chinese whispers what the person who started the game has said will always be different what the last person says out loud. The same with rumours. They almost always warp from something small and become a misinformed,dramatised version of reality, or haven't happened at all and are a persons perception of an incident and gossiping about it without clarifying the situation first.

sweetgirl

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chinese whispers is a game. You have like 10 or more people and you whisper something in somebodies ear and so on and so on, the last person has to say aloud what was said.

mj

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Because when you play chinese whispers what the person who started the game has said will always be different what the last person says out loud. The same with rumours. They almost always warp from something small and become a misinformed,dramatised version of reality, or haven't happened at all and are a persons perception of an incident and gossiping about it without clarifying the situation first.

Heh, we called that game 'telephone' growing up.

Ceallach

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OP, your ex is being manipulative.  It is not your job to comfort him about this.  The fact that you did so is because you are a good person, but he is showing his true colours by trying to make you feel bad and then refusing to give you the facts.

Stay away, stay far far away.   Don't ignore him as that gives him ammunition against you, but be coolly polite. Almost too polite even - charmingly, arms length polite.  And do not let him break down that barrier under any circumstance. Keep your distance.

Re the rumours, ignore them.  If somebody says something to you personally, then behave slightly shocked, confused and refute their assertion then bean dip.  Otherwise, pretend that the rumours don't exist and be your confident, lovely self.  People who meet you will assume the rumours are untrue when they see what a lovely person you are.  That's the nature of people.  If you act ashamed or as if there's something hide then they'll believe that there is. Good luck, and ultimately believe the following:  This Too Shall Pass!   :-)

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