making assumptions about family relationsships

[Brentwood]

I once offended someone because I was trying to tread carefully. I had just been introduced to a new member (NM) of my dog club, a petite redhead with the usual pale skin. Next to her was a large-framed, bi-racial girl, also very attractive. I asked, "Are you two family?" and she huffed angrily, "She's my daughter!" 

Rats. I lost a potential friend. I should have just kept my mouth shut.    Not to mention that NM probably thinks I’m a racist of sorts.

In the years since, I have acquired 3 bi-racial grand-nephews, and have a g-niece on the way. NM would probably think it's "karma." Well, if it is, it's for my good deeds! 

  I don't know why she got huffy.  You asked what was probably the safest question to ask about whether someone was related or not.  You didn't make a wrong assumption within your question.

Count me among those who are baffled as to why that woman was offended.

[Mental Magpie]

I'm going to go with she usually got a lot of "There is no way she is your daughter!" paired with already having a bad day for whatever the reason.

I have people tell me that I perm my hair, and no matter how much I tell them that it is natural, they insist it is a perm...Being told that there is no way that is her biological daughter would probably get rather trying after awhile, to the point that she assumes that's what everyone must think.

[Irishkitty]

I was out shopping with a friend who's about 20 years older. She was advising me on what I was trying on. The shop assistant (SA) chimed in "Oh, yes, listen to your mother!" She got dagger looks from me and a terse "I am not her mother" from my friend. SA didn't even blink, just went on with other things. FTR we look nothing alike - polls apart on hair & eye colour, height, build, weight, etc.

Another friend is married to a very dark skinned asian man (she's blond and blue), and their kids really take after him in looks. (though now their older I can see some similarities to her). But when they were little she was constantly mistaken for their childminder. She was not amused.

[Redsoil]

I can understand that it would be galling to have people continually assume you're not related to someone very physically different, and it would be very hard to rein that irritation in.  However, I don't think it's necessarily a heinous crime on the part of strangers not to make the intuitive leap of familial links when the physical resemblances are poles apart.  I'd tend to cut people some slack.  Likewise, in other scenarios were a relationship is misconstrued.

For years, people often assumed my husband and I were brother and sister.  No skin off my nose - I'd just set them straight if it came up in conversation.

[helixa]

What gets me is how many strangers think they have the right to confront another absolute stranger on whatever relationship they have.

I'm not talking about the people you might be having an interaction with, but those with no involvement whatsoever who just have to make a comment, presumably to make you feel bad. If it was a teenager with a child, what do they expect to happen by telling them off? All they want is to vindictively hurt someone for doing something they disapprove of.

Sorry, sanctimonious busybodies irritate me somewhat.

[weeblewobble]

Yeah, my Dad and I went on a trip to LA together recently and went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate our last night in town.  We had to correct the waiter several times about what Dad's "lovely wife" would like. I ended up so creeped out, I didn't really enjoy the meal.

ETA: HA! DH just reminded me of when he, my mom, my sister, my brother, and I went on a retreat with an organization we were all involved in when DH and I were in our late teens. DH strongly resembles my sister, believe it or not. Both have intensely dark hair and eyes, tan easily and have very straight, pert noses.  My brother and I resemble each other, and look a lot like my mom.

However, by the end of the week, other people at the retreat were completely confused about our relationships.  (We didn't use last names often. Name tags were first name only.) The most common theory was that Sister and DH were my mom's kids- I was dating DH, and that my brother (then age 9) was our son.  At that point, it was just funny to hear the different configurations. We didn't get offended.

[zyrs]

I once offended someone because I was trying to tread carefully. I had just been introduced to a new member (NM) of my dog club, a petite redhead with the usual pale skin. Next to her was a large-framed, bi-racial girl, also very attractive. I asked, "Are you two family?" and she huffed angrily, "She's my daughter!" 

Rats. I lost a potential friend. I should have just kept my mouth shut.    Not to mention that NM probably thinks I’m a racist of sorts.

In the years since, I have acquired 3 bi-racial grand-nephews, and have a g-niece on the way. NM would probably think it's "karma." Well, if it is, it's for my good deeds! 

"I'm sorry, it's just that you don't look old enough to have a daughter that age.  Please forgive me."

[Biker Granny]

I love this thread...it just reminded me of something my Dad and I did...

BG...He was a Pastor(now retired) in small country Churches.  After he and my mother split up he got moved to a very small rural community (2500 pop).  As I worked most Sunday's it took a few weeks for me to get to a service.

This didn't stop us from dining together often.  Exploring the eateries in town was called for as he didn't cook and I worked odd hours. Granted it didn't take long when there were only 4 to choose from .

I went to get my hair cut and imagine my surprise when the new pastor and his VERY young girlfriend was the talk of the town.  I almost spoke up and said...HELLO!!! I sitting right here!!!! but the ornery in me wouldn't let me.  I got quite the earful!  It seems that this young harpy was the reason the Pastor's marriage broke up and it was a shame that the church had to put up with such a disgrace for a least 4 years.

I went home and filled my Dad in on what a terrible sinner he was and he just roared....he found it just as funny as I did.

So here it came...the Sunday morning I was finally able to attend.....I was sitting in the pew near the front with a friend and the wispers began..."CRUD MONKEYS! there SHE is.  I can't BELIEVE she showed her face...blah blah blah"

Dad winked at me from the pulpit and took great pleasure in introducing me to everyone and his daughter.   

Lots of red faces in Church that day.

[Redsoil]

Oh I LIKE that one, BG!

[Spoder]

For years, people often assumed my husband and I were brother and sister.  No skin off my nose - I'd just set them straight if it came up in conversation.

See, *that* I could deal with. On the other hand, when my brother and I lived together, we got mistaken for husband and wife a few times. That made me  . (Except for the sweet Indian woman at the local fish and chip shop, who, when corrected, asked us how much older he was than me.  . He's four years younger).

[Carpathia]

I work in a library and to join children we have to have a parent, grandparent or guardian co-sign. After a couple of instances of "OK, now I need your mum to sign here" only to find out that person was older sister/childminder/friend's mum I learnt my lesson and ask all the kids "Do you have a parent or guardian here today?". If the adult says "So-and-so wants to join the library" I will say "Do they have a parent/guardian here?"

Just the other day my daughter told me that someoen had asked "why does your sister always drop you off at school?". I was very happy about that!

[mstigerlily]

I'm not biracial, but I look like my dad.

My mom has the best reply for when people comment on how I look nothing like her. Her reply was always "She looks like me on the inside!"

[stitchygreyanonymouse]

I once offended someone because I was trying to tread carefully. I had just been introduced to a new member (NM) of my dog club, a petite redhead with the usual pale skin. Next to her was a large-framed, bi-racial girl, also very attractive. I asked, "Are you two family?" and she huffed angrily, "She's my daughter!" 

Rats. I lost a potential friend. I should have just kept my mouth shut.    Not to mention that NM probably thinks I’m a racist of sorts.

In the years since, I have acquired 3 bi-racial grand-nephews, and have a g-niece on the way. NM would probably think it's "karma." Well, if it is, it's for my good deeds! 

"I'm sorry, it's just that you don't look old enough to have a daughter that age.  Please forgive me."

That can really backfire too. I suppose some women would be flattered (like my mom, when she would be mistaken for my sister), but on the other hand, they could take it as a dig—especially if they really were a young mother.

[Jaelle]

A co-worker/friend and I went together to give blood last week. The very chatty nurse asked me if she was my daughter! I'm 37. She's 29.    I did tell her, though, to give her the laugh ... she's stressed about turning 30.

DH was at the mall with YDS when YDS was a baby ... and was complimented on his grandson. DH was 41 at the time. He had some trouble with that one.

I was looking at an apartment once when we were just dating. I was 27, he was 34. The landlord asked if he were my father! And honest, DH has a beard and looks pretty ageless, but he doesn't look anywhere near that old!

[Larrabee]

DH was at the mall with YDS when YDS was a baby ... and was complimented on his grandson. DH was 41 at the time. He had some trouble with that one.

That can be tricky to judge, there's an overlap, an age range where its entirely possible for you to be either the parent or grandparent of a young child. 

I know a girl who has a sibling younger than her own children, so her dad is grandpa to the two year old on his left knee and daddy to the 18 month old on his right knee!