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Author Topic: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom  (Read 11294 times)

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Balletmom

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Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« on: September 21, 2010, 08:37:41 PM »
Saturday night after the football game and her dance team performance at half time, ODD came home saying she was sure she'd be sick, as another dancer was sick and coughed, etc, all over ODD.

Monday, she stayed home from school. She said that Friend asked on Sunday for her to go to a dance event, and she told friend she wasn't sure she could go, as she was feeling sick. She repeated this Monday.

Today, she got a strongly worded Facebook message from Friend's mother about how she broke Friend's heart by not going, and yes, thank you for the cost as well, and ODD is almost an adult (turning 18 in Oct.) so Friend's mom expected better behavior of her. The mom also said that she should perhaps call me directly to get better communication from DD in the future.

Ironically, the Friend's mom stayed home from the event because she was sick.

I'll also add that Friend is treated as a princess by her family and that her entire reason for joining the dance team at the high school was to 'show I'm the best here, as well as at the dance studio" when DD and another friend quit the ballet company to join the dance team.

I sent a very politely worded message on Facebook that there might have been some misunderstandings; it was obviously frustrating to Friend
and we regretted the financial cost to the family. We would be more than happy to recompense them for the amount of the ticket (around $40) so please let us know the amount. I also asked her to please call me directly in the future if she had questions and concerns.

DD at the same time, (not knowing of my answer) told the mom that she was a) sick and the mom was sick too, so she should understand. The mom sent an apology. I have a message from the mom just now, so I'll check that and update this in a minute.

My point in responding was to not feed the drama llama, but to take the high road in offering to reimburse the family and make it clear that we do indeed talk to ODD. Both parents of Friend would be shocked if anyone talked to their DD in this way.  I think ODD is more than capable of handling her own battles, but I felt strongly that we should back her up with some good behavior.

And as a side note, it's a real  stretch for me, because once Friend made it clear her only motivation in joining dance team was to knock ODD off a notch, I had to work hard to squash my instincts to take Friend down a notch--which is why it was so annoying that Friend's mom was so ready to knock MY kid down.


Poppea

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2010, 08:47:59 PM »
Is this the friend she used to carpool with?

anonymoose

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2010, 08:59:59 PM »

And as a side note, it's a real  stretch for me, because once Friend made it clear her only motivation in joining dance team was to knock ODD off a notch, I had to work hard to squash my instincts to take Friend down a notch--which is why it was so annoying that Friend's mom was so ready to knock MY kid down.


Friend? It doesn't sound like it.

I think you are fine to tell Friend's Mom that you understand her frustration, but you are not happy with the language/tone/wording she used to write to ODD and your expectation is it will not happen again.

Balletmom

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2010, 09:08:02 PM »
Update, she apologized for not perhaps getting  the entire story from her DD, who came home boo-hooing from school that her friends had ditched her (another girl apparently couldn't go as well) and in the rush of getting her DD and spouse off to event, she did not get perhaps, the full story.

I can only hope that she realizes she overreacted in a big way to her DD's comments, and smacked DD via Facebook as a leap to conclusions.

I can only hope it was a learning experience for her; she's way overdue understanding that her daughter's first  words are not necessarily the whole picture.

Shoo

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2010, 09:09:50 PM »
I hope your daughter deletes the woman's comments from her FB page to drive this point home.

MDefarge

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2010, 09:20:51 PM »
"Not getting the whole story" does *not* excuse her snottiness towards your DD.

Marlene

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2010, 07:09:51 AM »
I sent a very politely worded message on Facebook that there might have been some misunderstandings; it was obviously frustrating to Friend and we regretted the financial cost to the family. We would be more than happy to recompense them for the amount of the ticket (around $40) so please let us know the amount. I also asked her to please call me directly in the future if she had questions and concerns.

If my mother offered a compensation to my friend's mother for something that was not my fault, I'd be pissed: Oh, so my mommy says she believes me and it's not my fault - but she'll pay for my mistake anyway!? I think I'd be pissed too if I were the other mother: You say it's not your fault but you'll pay anyway!? IMO that's condescending, not "taking the high road". And as a nearly-18-year-old I'd be miffed my mother felt she had to inject herself into this situation in the first place.

Peggy Gus

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2010, 07:51:33 AM »
I sent a very politely worded message on Facebook that there might have been some misunderstandings; it was obviously frustrating to Friend and we regretted the financial cost to the family. We would be more than happy to recompense them for the amount of the ticket (around $40) so please let us know the amount. I also asked her to please call me directly in the future if she had questions and concerns.

If my mother offered a compensation to my friend's mother for something that was not my fault, I'd be pissed: Oh, so my mommy says she believes me and it's not my fault - but she'll pay for my mistake anyway!? I think I'd be pissed too if I were the other mother: You say it's not your fault but you'll pay anyway!? IMO that's condescending, not "taking the high road". And as a nearly-18-year-old I'd be miffed my mother felt she had to inject herself into this situation in the first place.


There are many instances where people have not been able to go somewhere and have offered compensation. The fact that the OP's daughter is still underage and lives in her home makes her responsible for her daughter. She may almost be "legally" an adult, but she is still the OP's child. The daughter may not have known how to respond, and she may have felt intimidated.

Cupcake Fiend

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2010, 08:17:40 AM »
I sent a very politely worded message on Facebook that there might have been some misunderstandings; it was obviously frustrating to Friend and we regretted the financial cost to the family. We would be more than happy to recompense them for the amount of the ticket (around $40) so please let us know the amount. I also asked her to please call me directly in the future if she had questions and concerns.

If my mother offered a compensation to my friend's mother for something that was not my fault, I'd be pissed: Oh, so my mommy says she believes me and it's not my fault - but she'll pay for my mistake anyway!? I think I'd be pissed too if I were the other mother: You say it's not your fault but you'll pay anyway!? IMO that's condescending, not "taking the high road". And as a nearly-18-year-old I'd be miffed my mother felt she had to inject herself into this situation in the first place.

It's not the friend's mother's fault either, and why should she have to pay for the ticket that Balletmom's DD didn't use?  I had a situation once where I got a group of friends together to go to a local haunted house.  Because the lines at this place were crazy, I pre-purchased the tickets for the whole group ahead of time.  One girl never showed up. (Found out later she had just decided not to go...she wasn't sick or anything, and she did know that I had already paid for her ticket.  Most people paid me back ahead of time, I had arranged with her that she'd pay me back when she got to the haunted house.) I told her I wanted her to pay me back for the ticket anyway, and eventually she did.

Ideally Balletmom's DD would pay for the ticket she didn't use, but since she's still a minor, I don't see any problem with Balletmom doing it.

Marlene

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2010, 08:24:20 AM »
There are many instances where people have not been able to go somewhere and have offered compensation. The fact that the OP's daughter is still underage and lives in her home makes her responsible for her daughter. She may almost be "legally" an adult, but she is still the OP's child. The daughter may not have known how to respond, and she may have felt intimidated.

One of the things that struck me as odd was that the OP didn't discuss this with her almost adult daughter; there's not mention of OP's daughter asking her mother for advice, in fact OPdaughter contacted OtherMother herself, i.e. she was working on resolving the problem. On top of that, the whole post has a condescending tone to it. Look at meee! I took the high road! OtherDaugher is spoilt a princess and a show-off, she lies to her mother, her mother is oblivious...



ETA: When I wrote "OtherDaugher is a spoilt princess and a show-off, she lies to her mother, her mother is oblivious..." I was quoting/paraphrasing what Balletmom said.

OtherDaughter is a spoilt princess and a show-off:
I'll also add that Friend is treated as a princess by her family and that her entire reason for joining the dance team at the high school was to 'show I'm the best here, as well as at the dance studio" when DD and another friend quit the ballet company to join the dance team.

She lies to her mother + her mother is oblivious:
[OtherMother is] way overdue understanding that her daughter's first  words are not necessarily the whole picture.





« Last Edit: September 29, 2010, 03:45:05 PM by Marlene »

Wordgeek

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2010, 08:40:07 AM »
Marlene, it is inappropriate to call people names.  In the expression of your opinions, remember to be courteous.
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

mlkind1789

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2010, 08:46:25 AM »
There are many instances where people have not been able to go somewhere and have offered compensation. The fact that the OP's daughter is still underage and lives in her home makes her responsible for her daughter. She may almost be "legally" an adult, but she is still the OP's child. The daughter may not have known how to respond, and she may have felt intimidated.

One of the things that struck me as odd was that the OP didn't discuss this with her almost adult daughter; there's not mention of OP's daughter asking her mother for advice, in fact OPdaughter contacted OtherMother herself, i.e. she was working on resolving the problem. On top of that, the whole post has a condescending tone to it. Look at meee! I took the high road! OtherDaugher is spoilt a princess and a show-off, she lies to her mother, her mother is oblivious...


Wow, I'm not sure I can really say much more to that post than that. 

As far as the OP goes, I can certainly see speaking to the other mother about how they treated her child.  I think I would have done the same thing in that situation.  Her DD may be almost an adult, but she is still a child, and is still the OP's child. 

I also think that offering to pay for the cost is not out of line or inappropriate in any way at all.  The fact that her child was sick did, in fact, cost someone else money, so it is correct to wish to reimburse them for it since it was out of anyone's control. 

Red1979

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2010, 09:53:12 AM »
I think that as an almost 18 year old, your daughter should have been left to handle this herself.  If she doesn't have her own money to offer for reimbursement, you should have told DD you were willing to reimburse her friend's Mom and then let her go forward solving this herself.  (And it sounds like she managed just fine since she sent a message to the mother explaining and the mother then apologized).

I've noticed in a lot of your threads that you seem to get very involved in some of the teen minutae of your daughter's life.  She's almost 18 and now really is the time to start stepping back a bit and letting her solve some of her own problems.  There are times a parent needs to step in, but these types of social situations and issues are great learning experiences for teens. 

At 17, I was on my own at college--I didn't even have long distance to call home (I needed to buy calling cards).  I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for me to adapt if I hadn't had to learn how to handle those kind of situations on my own.  If you don't let her start taking care of these things on her own, what will happen when she goes to college?  When you aren't there to do it for her or help her?

I think you really need to step back and look objectively at the things you are getting involved in and why.  Are some of these issues things a parent needs to step in for?  Or are they things an almost-adult needs to figure out for themselves?
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MDefarge

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2010, 09:55:19 AM »
I don't understand why the OP's daughter would be expected to reimburse anyone - if I'm reading the OP correctly she never said that she was going to go - in fact she said that she wasn't feeling well & didn't expect to be able to - both times she was asked.  Or am I missing something?

ettiquit

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Re: Please do not be ugly to my DD on Facebook. Adult Mom
« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2010, 12:08:55 PM »
I don't understand why the OP's daughter would be expected to reimburse anyone - if I'm reading the OP correctly she never said that she was going to go - in fact she said that she wasn't feeling well & didn't expect to be able to - both times she was asked.  Or am I missing something?

POD