General Etiquette > Family and Children

Emergency! Need Feedback ASAP!

(1/5) > >>

Adah:
A Christmas etiquette emergency has emerged 4.5 hours before we're supposed to go to a family Christmas and I really need advice.

DH's stepmother (SM) hosts his immediate family Christmas Eve. Over the years this event has rubbed him, his brother and bro's wife the wrong way when SM has invited non-family to the event (usually a close friend of hers who is either staying with her over the hoidays or who lives nearby and is alone for the holidays). I don't care, but they've made it a huge, huge deal amongst the three of them -- lots of pissing and moaning. However, none have confronted SM about it. Bro and SIL also routinely grouse about SM, despite the fact that she bends over backward for them and has let them "borrow" thousands of dollars when they've screwed up their finances. 

This year, SM has invited Cherie, a very nice woman who I very much enjoy being around. Cherie is going through an ugly divorce, has no family in the area and lives in a cottage on their property. Yesterday, when SIL asked me if I knew if Cherie was going to be a Christmas Eve, I said yes and that I'd purchased two small gifts for her so that she wouldn't feel left out.

Well, SM just called. Apparently SIL talked to SM this a.m. and told her that I had purchased gifts for Cherie and was the rest of the family expected to. The real motive by SIL was to stir the pot regarding Cherie -- yesterday SIL was complaining on end about Cherie being at this family party, how she had no business being there, that it just "pisses her off" when SM does this and that she has no intention of really interacting with her (since she's non-family), much less buying her gifts. I simply told SIL that if she felt so strongly that Christmas Eve be run a certain way, that *she* host it and dictate who's invited.

So, SM just called freaked out. Apparently she told Cherie that I had purchased a few items for her and felt uncomfortable that she couldn't afford to give me anything in return. And SM asked me if I would not bring them. Or if I did, to give them to Cherie privately -- away from the family Christmas event.

I see etiquette breaches in so many places, but the bottom line is, what do I do with Cherie's gifts?

Shoo:
I'd call SM back and have her tell Cherie that it's your pleasure to give her a few small gifts, and to please think nothing of it!  You want her to enjoy the festivities and share in your family's traditions, which is to open gifts.

I'd tell SIL to shut her pie hole and act like a grown up.

ZipTheWonder:
I'm still stuck back on the part where the guests think it's any of their business who the host invites.  The guest says "Yes" or "No."  That's it.  If they don't want any part of Cherie or stepmom's entourage, they decline and do their own thing.

I totally agree with Shoo about the gift, except that, if it's possible, speak directly to Cherie.

ehartsay:

--- Quote from: Adah on December 24, 2006, 11:27:37 AM ---A Christmas etiquette emergency has emerged 4.5 hours before we're supposed to go to a family Christmas and I really need advice.

DH's stepmother (SM) hosts his immediate family Christmas Eve. Over the years this event has rubbed him, his brother and bro's wife the wrong way when SM has invited non-family to the event (usually a close friend of hers who is either staying with her over the hoidays or who lives nearby and is alone for the holidays). I don't care, but they've made it a huge, huge deal amongst the three of them -- lots of pissing and moaning. However, none have confronted SM about it. Bro and SIL also routinely grouse about SM, despite the fact that she bends over backward for them and has let them "borrow" thousands of dollars when they've screwed up their finances. 
--- End quote ---


I think that THIS part pretty much sums up the entire post. It sounds like these two people are wretches who are just too glad to accept money, help, hospitality, you name it, but are just DYING to have a fit about sopmething. Maybe they are ticked off at SM BECAUSE she has done so much for them? Irrational, I know, but I have seen this sort of thing happen before. People resent the person who does hte most for them, and will bully the person who puts up with the most.
 


--- Quote from: Adah on December 24, 2006, 11:27:37 AM ---This year, SM has invited Cherie, a very nice woman who I very much enjoy being around. Cherie is going through an ugly divorce, has no family in the area and lives in a cottage on their property. Yesterday, when SIL asked me if I knew if Cherie was going to be a Christmas Eve, I said yes and that I'd purchased two small gifts for her so that she wouldn't feel left out.

Well, SM just called. Apparently SIL talked to SM this a.m. and told her that I had purchased gifts for Cherie and was the rest of the family expected to. The real motive by SIL was to stir the pot regarding Cherie -- yesterday SIL was complaining on end about Cherie being at this family party, how she had no business being there, that it just "pisses her off" when SM does this and that she has no intention of really interacting with her (since she's non-family), much less buying her gifts. I simply told SIL that if she felt so strongly that Christmas Eve be run a certain way, that *she* host it and dictate who's invited.
--- End quote ---

Um so SM has 'no business' deciding who will be at HER party? Since when it is SIL's decision how SOMEONE ELSE'S party is run and how THEY determine how they  define 'family'? Your SIL sounds like a spoiled brat who does not care about anyone else, as far as I am concerned. Just because SHE does not have the vision to consider the possibility that 'family' does not have to ONLY involve people she has had sex with, people to whom she has given birth (or who have given birth to her) and the people THOSE people have sex with, does not mean that everybody else has to feel the same way. And if she wants the "Only sexual and blood relationships to count as family' rule to hold sway, then she had better host her own party.

And I like the whole thing about how HER rules are not being obeyed, so she is going to be a nasty cow to someone who is going through a lot of pain and grief. If this is what MOSt people are like in American society, no wonder that American hospitality does not always have the best reputation.


--- Quote from: Adah on December 24, 2006, 11:27:37 AM ---So, SM just called freaked out. Apparently she told Cherie that I had purchased a few items for her and felt uncomfortable that she couldn't afford to give me anything in return. And SM asked me if I would not bring them. Or if I did, to give them to Cherie privately -- away from the family Christmas event.

I see etiquette breaches in so many places, but the bottom line is, what do I do with Cherie's gifts?

--- End quote ---


--- Quote from: Shoo on December 24, 2006, 11:34:29 AM ---I'd call SM back and have her tell Cherie that it's your pleasure to give her a few small gifts, and to please think nothing of it!  You want her to enjoy the festivities and share in your family's traditions, which is to open gifts.

I'd tell SIL to shut her pie hole and act like a grown up.

--- End quote ---

Werd to the above!

andi:
i think it was very sweet of you to include Cherie in the gifts, i don't see how you've breeched etiquette at all.

perhaps it would be best to give Cherie her gifts in private to keep peace - but your SIL needs to grow up.  SM can invite whomever she pleases to HER house whenever she pleases

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page