Author Topic: You're next! (pregnancy related)  (Read 5970 times)

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celtic_lady

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You're next! (pregnancy related)
« on: September 28, 2010, 09:24:12 AM »
I attended a baby shower for my cousin's wife (CW) in August. She and my cousin got married within a couple of months of my wedding to DH, so we've both been married for a little over 2 years now. I rarely see/talk to them except for the occasional family function, so I hadn't really seen her since she announced her pregnancy earlier this year. Anyway, when I was saying goodbye to CW after the shower and wishing her well, she patted my stomach and said, "I guess it will be your turn next!" I'm pretty slender so I don't think she was implying that I looked pregnant, but I guess she figured that because we'd gotten married around the same time I would also be having a baby soon(?). I thought this was an interesting assumption, but I just gave a vague answer like "Who knows?" and beandipped. It was a little embarrassing, though, since other family members were standing right there. Anyway, I just got a thank you note from her over the weekend and again, she ended off with, "Hopefully you'll be the next one to have a baby shower!" I know she means no harm, but I can't help being a little irked at her presumptions. She has no idea what our situation is, whether we want kids or not, or even whether we can have children. It wouldn't occur to me to make those comments to someone. DH and I actually have recently started trying, but we have no desire to broadcast it to the entire family and I didn't like being put on the spot like that in front of others. I'll be seeing her (and her new baby) again in a couple of weeks for another family event, and I wouldn't be surprised if it comes up again. I don't want to be snarky since she is actually a very nice person, but it does bother me.

Elfqueen13

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2010, 10:42:51 AM »
It sounds like your cousin's wife is happy about her own baby and wants to share the joy.  Sweet, if a little misguided.  I would just smile, laugh a little and say nothing.  Let her sort it out on their own. If it gets persistent, smile again and bean dip by admiring her baby.

When I was planning my wedding I signed up on The Knot, mostly to use the wedding website feature.  I entered in the date and time of the wedding (3 PM) and - I kid you not - at 10 AM the next morning I started getting emails from their associated pregnancy site.  After all, I'd been married for 17 hours already, I must be pregnant by now!
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MrsJWine

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2010, 10:46:46 AM »
This is just one of those things that people say.  I'm not saying it's a good idea, or that you have to be happy about it.  But it doesn't really mean anything.  If she gets really pushy about it or starts questioning you on your plans, that's one thing, but two comments like this just tell me that she's really happy about starting a family and she thinks everyone should be this happy.  Sometimes people get so wrapped up in how much joy something brings them that they don't think about how other people might view it.  Again, not saying it's good to act like that, but unless it goes further, I would just consider it an annoying throwaway comment, nothing more.


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celtic_lady

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2010, 11:11:00 AM »
I guess I'm just being overly sensitive. If it was just the note I wouldn't have thought much of it, but I felt like I was put on the spot in front of other family members with the first comment and I suppose that's what bothered me most.

Giggity

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2010, 11:24:34 AM »
Heh ... reminds me of when my poor boss asked me when The Ex and I were gonna get started on a little one. (I was in the process of leaving him at that point, but she didn't know that.)
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sparksals

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2010, 11:28:17 AM »
I guess I'm just being overly sensitive. If it was just the note I wouldn't have thought much of it, but I felt like I was put on the spot in front of other family members with the first comment and I suppose that's what bothered me most.

I don't think you're being overly sensitive about it at all.  Your cousin is being presumptuous and I would feel uncomfortable too.  She has no idea if you have been trying or for all she knows, you could have been trying since the wedding night.   

While she must be very excited about her pregnancy, her perhaps well intentioned comments are making you uncomfortable. 

HeebyJeebyLeebee

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2010, 11:31:52 AM »
It sounds like your cousin's wife is happy about her own baby and wants to share the joy.  Sweet, if a little misguided.  I would just smile, laugh a little and say nothing.  Let her sort it out on their own. If it gets persistent, smile again and bean dip by admiring her baby.


I'd go with this.  She's got Baby on the brain.  I think you handled it well.
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LadyR

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2010, 08:57:37 PM »
Three of my five female cousins had babies this year, of the other two one is done having kids (her children are teenagers) and the other one is 12, so that leaves just me and I get TONS of comments about it. Mostly I ignore it. We are TTC, but we're very quiet about it (my mom knows and some of our friends and that's it). I'd ignore it. 


QueenofAllThings

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2010, 06:53:10 AM »
And when/if you do conceive, she will be the first to say "See? I told you!! " ;)
She's caught up in her excitement and wants to share it - as awkward as it is for you, I think you need to let it go (unless, of course, it becomes the sole topic of conversation).

Lady Snowdon

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2010, 04:49:46 PM »
My response to any of those questions is a look of astonishment and a startled "What makes you think that?".  Complete with  :o.  If they respond in any way except apologizing for their assumption, I say "I haven't given you that impression, have I?"  ??? .  I like to make certain people know it's not an assumption I agree with.  :P  A few people know we're waiting until I finish grad school, but that's certainly not something everyone and their mother needs to know!

PitBullMom

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2010, 02:53:10 AM »
I don't have any advice for you if she says it again, but I don't think you're being oversensitive.  This would bother the heck out of me.

PitBullDad's cousin got married 2 months before we did (about 3 years ago).  Last fall, they were in town visiting with their new baby and cousin's mom, PBD's aunt, says to us, "I guess the next time we all get together, you two will have one, too!  After all, you got married around the same time.  You better hurry and catch up!"  PBD just said, "Well, I guess we'll see.  Hey Aunt, did you get any of the cake my mom brought?  It's really good!"  I also want to mention that this was the first time I had met these people and PBD hadn't seen them in about 15 years.  We hadn't even been invited to cousin's wedding, so they're not close relatives.

The fact is that PBD and I are childfree and it's really none of their business if we have kids or not.  I honestly have no idea why people feel it's OK to make these assumptions about others.  ???
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HermioneGranger

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2010, 11:17:52 AM »
Eh, I get it too.  Two cousins and a close friend got married after us, and all have had children before us.  It does get annoying, but we just say that we're planning on having one eventually, but we want to get our ducks in a row first.  Only one person has been so crass as to ask more than once.  I'd give a pass if they ask once, since they're likely just excited, and want to share in it with you.  If they repeatedly ask, then that's rude, and you can bean dip them. 

kisu

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2010, 09:05:14 AM »
I so very much know how you feel. It's surprising really, given how much talk there is of infertility and being childless by choice, that people still blurt out interesting assumptions like that!

My DH's family is constantly going on about our future pregnancies and kids, and if I'm e.g. knitting anything, they immediately assume it's for Our New Baby! Once, after listening to this for a whole day on constant repeat and bean-dipping, I finally responded with "How can you be planning my pregnancy? Do you know I even have ovaries at all?" - snarky, I know... that shut MIL up for about 30 min.

SingActDance

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2010, 01:01:44 AM »
Reminds me a joke a friend of mine always told. At weddings all the old biddies in his family would poke him in the ribs and say "you're next!" He said they stopped that when he started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Kelvar

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2010, 09:44:06 AM »
I get the same thing from some family members.

2006 my oldest female cousin got married, 2008 the next oldest got married, 2010 I'm getting married (in spite of brushing it off when they said I'd be next and/or had to keep the pattern going). The joke now is that my sister needs to get married in 2012 and then we can start on the boys. (Who are around the same ages but all set on never getting married.)

Both female cousins were pregnant within a year of getting married (both by choice I should add) so now the other joke is that I'm next for that one as well.

If anyone gets really pushy I settle for honesty and point out how utterly irresponsible it'd be for us to have a baby when we often struggle to make ends meet as it is but most of the time I just brush it off or give a vauge 'we'll see' response.

I don't think anyone means it maliciously, they just like babies and are excited at the idea that there could be yet another new addition to the family.