Author Topic: You're next! (pregnancy related)  (Read 6209 times)

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Auntie Mame

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2010, 01:13:37 PM »
I don't think you're being over sensitive at all.  It is always thoughtless and rude to say something like that to anyone.

I also get it all the time at weddings, and it always upsets me.   Yeah, thanks for pouring salt in an open wound.
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Jan74

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2010, 12:52:22 PM »
We are infertile, so stuff like this is specially hurtful to me. I know people don't mean any harm, but it hurts anyway.

Recently, my cousin, who knows we are trying to adopt (but who, in spite of being a doctor, thinks our infertility is "all in my head" and "if I just relaxed, it would happen" - even after being informed that we have seen a specialist, and it is my husband's problem, not mine, so I don't see how my having a relaxed mental state would have any bearing on it), said something hurtful to that effect and I just lost it and started crying. I know, bad on me, but the pressure to be absolutely perfect in every way for the adoption process has gotten to me. Anyway, she and the rest of my family took my crying as "proof" that I am "already pregnant", and started to congratulate me on it. And then I got even more upset, and cried even more.

I am so glad I have never brought up the subject of anyone's family planning with them.

Asharah

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2010, 01:21:08 PM »
We are infertile, so stuff like this is specially hurtful to me. I know people don't mean any harm, but it hurts anyway.

Recently, my cousin, who knows we are trying to adopt (but who, in spite of being a doctor, thinks our infertility is "all in my head" and "if I just relaxed, it would happen" - even after being informed that we have seen a specialist, and it is my husband's problem, not mine, so I don't see how my having a relaxed mental state would have any bearing on it), said something hurtful to that effect and I just lost it and started crying. I know, bad on me, but the pressure to be absolutely perfect in every way for the adoption process has gotten to me. Anyway, she and the rest of my family took my crying as "proof" that I am "already pregnant", and started to congratulate me on it. And then I got even more upset, and cried even more.

I am so glad I have never brought up the subject of anyone's family planning with them.
How about, "No I'm crying because my cousin is an idiot!"
Asharah

Auntie Mame

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2010, 01:36:26 PM »
We are infertile, so stuff like this is specially hurtful to me. I know people don't mean any harm, but it hurts anyway.

Recently, my cousin, who knows we are trying to adopt (but who, in spite of being a doctor, thinks our infertility is "all in my head" and "if I just relaxed, it would happen" - even after being informed that we have seen a specialist, and it is my husband's problem, not mine, so I don't see how my having a relaxed mental state would have any bearing on it), said something hurtful to that effect and I just lost it and started crying. I know, bad on me, but the pressure to be absolutely perfect in every way for the adoption process has gotten to me. Anyway, she and the rest of my family took my crying as "proof" that I am "already pregnant", and started to congratulate me on it. And then I got even more upset, and cried even more.

I am so glad I have never brought up the subject of anyone's family planning with them.

One, I am so sorry.  Families are the worst aren't they, they seem to relish hurting each other. 

Two.  Exactly.  It is never, never okay to comment on or question someone's reproductive status.  Period.
Auntie needs fuel, black coffee and a side car.

supernova

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2010, 02:00:37 PM »
Wait, what?  So any time I cry because some donkeymule says some asinine, hurtful thing to me, I must be pregnant?   ::)

{{{hugs}}}  I am so sorry your cousin is an idiot, Jan74.

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Jan74

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #20 on: October 08, 2010, 02:55:25 PM »
Thanks guys. And yes, if crying = pregnant, sappy love movies are to blame for the world's overpopulation.  :o

MadMadge43

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #21 on: October 08, 2010, 03:18:25 PM »
I've been getting this crap for 20 years now.

At 25 I started to retort, many more people have been wrong about that than you'll ever know. I wouldn't be placing any bets.

But I will say to me, it's never been salt on my open wounds because I have no wounds. Being married and pregnant has just never sounded all that great.

I'll never forget after such a comment, looking at my 14 year old niece and saying, bet she beats me. Niece has been divorced for 6 years now.

celtic_lady

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2010, 03:31:22 PM »
OP here. Well, I saw CW at a family party this weekend. Things were fine, mostly our conversation was centered on her new baby,  but AGAIN as we were saying goodbye she asked me when I was going to have a little one.  ::) She also asked this right in front of one of my aunts who turned and gave me a big grin. I just said, "Well, maybe one of these days. Anyway, so good to see you and the baby. Bye!" It is annoying, but for as often as I see her it isn't worth getting too worked up. Maybe with any luck I will be expecting the next time I see her and it won't be an issue any longer. It really does amaze me, though, based on some of the stories shared in this thread, how many people seem to think it's okay to make comments to others on something as personal as family planning. Jan74, I'm so sorry your cousin is so clueless and hurtful. This person is a doctor!?! Wow, I certainly hope she treats her patients with more sensitivity than that. That's inexcusable. Hugs to you!



Jan74

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #23 on: October 11, 2010, 05:27:55 PM »
It sucks that she still didn't get the clue, celtic_lady.

I think my cousin's issue is that she has no children, and she is not very much younger than me (difference is months, not years). So she is very invested in my fertility as it would reassure her that it is not too late for her, you know? She called yesterday to say she scheduled me a consultation with her gyno, where I can get a 3k exam on my ovaries for free, through the government health care system. It would take me 6 months in line and several consultations to line this up for free, so I appreciate it, but I am also perfectly fine adopting. I'm not half as invested in being pregnant as she is invested in my being pregnant - I want to have a child, not to be pregnant necessarily.

She also has the assumption that I should buy a house before I have a child, and thinks I will just have to redo my nearly ready nursery when I move, in spite of the fact that my husband's career is not a stable career where we'll be in one city, or even necessarily one country, for the rest of our lives - or the fact we own an apartment already, but due to moving, it is rented and we live in a rental house in a different city. So when she does stuff like that, it seems like in her mind, this is kind of her baby, which is extra creepy as I don't even have a baby yet. I show people my nursery saying "And this is where my imaginary baby lives", jokingly, of course, but I try to keep a sense of humor about this whole thing.

Raintree

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2010, 02:25:21 AM »
I have past my childbearing years now, so the intrusive questions have stopped. Yaay for reaching mid-40's!! I was never overly anxious to have children, but probably would have if I'd met the right person and the circumstances had been right. (Or, if there had been an "accident" I would likely have made the best of it and considered it a blessing in disguise).

But none of that happened. So when in my 30s, people were asking me if I was going to have children, I felt very uncomfortable as I didn't feel like explaining that it really depended on if I ever, just once, met a man that loved me enough to make that kind of commitment, and that all the men I'd ever gotten close to turned out to be commitment phobic (or simply didn't feel the same way about me as I did about them, or liked to look at me but ended up turning around and settling down with someone else altogether) and that I had no idea if I'd meet "the one" in the short time I had left fertility-wise, so really, how would I know if I was going to have children or not?

Like, does anyone really like delving into that with people they barely know?

But I found giving non-committal responses was best: "Oh, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see."

Jan74

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #25 on: October 12, 2010, 08:03:13 PM »
Wow. Post-vasectomy, even? I guess your MIL really wants to be a grandma.

Jan74

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #26 on: October 13, 2010, 12:20:06 PM »
I think it makes matters worse that I don't drink. And I do feel tired a lot, and have always slept a lot, and I have queasiness with certain smells and foods since I had my gallbladder removed. In short, I'm always in "pregnant mode" according to people.

boxy

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #27 on: October 31, 2010, 04:55:34 PM »
My husband's family really wanted us to have a baby, the women had one track minds, "when you gonna start a family blah blah blah?"  My DH's sister, who lives several states away, sent us a wedding card WITH coupons for pampers.  To add insult to injury the coupons were expired! 

I laughed.


30 years later and still no kids.

Samantha

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Re: You're next! (pregnancy related)
« Reply #28 on: October 31, 2010, 07:37:59 PM »
Each time I've seen one of my cousins in the last year, she's asked when I'm going to be popping one out... and THEN she asks about wedding bells. It's really starting to annoy me. My cousin is around 10 years older than I am, I just turned 31 earlier this year, and my boyfriend and I have only been together for a year (earlier this month). She was asking when we were going to get married at Thanksgiving last year, and we'd barely been dating a month!

I think she just wants another tiny one in the family... Her step-daughter had a baby a bit over a year ago, and while my cousin runs a daycare center, I think all of the tiny ones are now toddler aged.

I want kids... quite badly. I feel like my clock is ticking, but I want to finish my degree before I start having children.

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