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Author Topic: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!  (Read 3877 times)

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TychaBrahe

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Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« on: October 03, 2010, 05:17:55 PM »
Today is Sunday.  My mother and I have a semi-standing date to go to dinner at my step-brother and SSIL's house.  (This is my late stepfather's son, DIL, and two grandsons.)  I say semi-standing, because often the kids will be sick or they will have something else that has to be done.  We usually go about 50% of the time.

This Sunday, I was supposed to meet up with SSIL and the boys.  They want to be "army men" for Halloween, and I suggested we try the Army/Navy store before buying a costume.  Then we were supposed to go out to an Italian restaurant.  I sort of wanted to go to a movie, but the matinee showing didn't start until 11:20, which would mean it would be close to 2:00 before I could get home.  Not enough time for the surplus store with two small boys and dinner at 5.  So I didn't go.  I also didn't go to the bike shop.  Or arrange the sailing lesson I bought at a discount online.  Or plan to cook dinner, because, you know, I'd be eating out.  These plans were solid as recently as Thursday.

At about 1:00 pm, I got a call from my mother.  My SSIL had called her.  Apparently SBro had invited his mom and her husband to dinner at their house.  So all of our plans are off. 

I'm ticked because I made my plans around them, and they are canceling last minute.  I'm ticked because I'm 44 and still getting invitations (and cancellations) through my mother.  This is not the first time this has happened, and I'm more than a little bit annoyed.

Help me find a way to say this politely, please.

"Brownies and kindness for all!"  High Dudgeon

Surianne

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Re: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2010, 05:38:55 PM »
Ugh, how frustrating. 

Have you tried calling them when you think the plans are solid, and saying "I just want to make sure we're definitely doing dinner on Sunday, so I know to keep the evening free"?   If you haven't confirmed plans that way, I'd try that first.

If you have tried that, then I'd just be honest with them next time and say "You've cancelled on me before.  If you're not sure about the plans, let's not make them, because I find this really frustrating."

flowersintheattic

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Re: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2010, 06:06:29 PM »
Ugh, how frustrating.  

Have you tried calling them when you think the plans are solid, and saying "I just want to make sure we're definitely doing dinner on Sunday, so I know to keep the evening free"?   If you haven't confirmed plans that way, I'd try that first.

If you have tried that, then I'd just be honest with them next time and say "You've cancelled on me before.  If you're not sure about the plans, let's not make them, because I find this really frustrating."

I hate when this happens! I usually follow up with people exactly the bolded way.

Edited because it was really confusing.
...I learned my lesson / And yes, I still remember the last one / But this time will be different / Until I do it again... ~Phish, "Kill Devil Falls"

heartmug

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Re: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2010, 11:38:16 AM »
 


If you have tried that, then I'd just be honest with them next time and say "You've cancelled on me before.  If you're not sure about the plans, let's not make them, because I find this really frustrating."

This.  Don't go there unless plans are firm, so maybe seeing them less often is the best idea.  I am guessing she feels it is ok to cancel on you at the last minute because she can do this any Sunday (have you to dinner) which makes you less important.
One option in a tug of war with someone is just to drop the rope.

jpcher

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Re: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2010, 05:15:22 PM »
I say semi-standing, because often the kids will be sick or they will have something else that has to be done.  We usually go about 50% of the time.

So they've canceled on you last minute many times before?

Maybe (even when plans are firm) make your own secondary plans anyway and call them first thing Sunday morning and ask if your still "on." (you really shouldn't have to do this, though, I completely understand your frustration!)

Otherwise, this:

If you have tried that, then I'd just be honest with them next time and say "You've cancelled on me before.  If you're not sure about the plans, let's not make them, because I find this really frustrating."

jpcher

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Re: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2010, 05:24:45 PM »
I'm ticked because I'm 44 and still getting invitations (and cancellations) through my mother.

To address this point . . . Do you always go with your mother? Do you ever see SB & SSIL without your mother?

Have you ever invited them places without your mother?

I'm thinking that maybe they see you and your mother as a social unit.


Are these the only people that invite/cancel through your mother?


I know, a lot of questions, here . . . but I think that a bit more BG is needed in order to properly answer this one.



I'm


Everlee

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Re: Thanks for keeping me up to date on the plans!
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2010, 10:11:41 AM »
The next time your SSIL made plans with you, I would just outright ask, "Are these plans definite or is there a chance you will back out again?"  She's a grown up and should be able to keep a date.  I know things happen and I've had to back out of stuff, but if it's a continuous thing I would have no problem calling her out on it.  It's not rude to not want to waste your time.