MIL may be coming, I bet NOT ! Update, post 27, final update #45

[Deetee]

Does your Grandma financially enable her sons? (You mentioned she enabled them) Maybe she is just so used to "We have everything covered" changing to "Can you lend me $100?" that she just expects a bait and switch from everyone?

[Sabbyfrog2]

You handled that very well RedneckGravy. I don't know if i woudl have gotten past the second one without shouting ,"So it sounds to me like you just don't want to come at all! Do you or don't you?"

[MsMarjorie]

*UPDATE* Sent Grandma an email Tuesday afternoon after reading all of your suggestions, saying to please come, we would not be going near a retail business or mall, that we would cook & gab late Wednesday and Thursday, watch the game and eat leftovers.  Sleep late Friday and eat more leftovers, probably watch a rented movie and play with the baby.  Saturday morning she leaves - no need for money.  I will send her pocket money to get through the airport.

Grandma called last night - excuse 1 - no money for Christmas presents she wanted to buy and bring with her, I said don't worry about Christmas we want to spend time with you.  Excuse 2 - no money to buy herself new pajamas and robe, I said you can use the robe you sent me a few years ago, still like new (I hate it) and you can sleep in old jammys no one will care.  Excuse 3 - no money, uncomfortable travelling broke, I said if you are that uncomfortable travelling don't come, but if your only excuse involves money that is no excuse.  We just want to enjoy your time with us.

Grandma said well if you will take me as I am, I guess I'm coming.  I said, good, looking forward to the visit. 

2nd bet - more excuses will be coming. 

Wow she is really making you work for this visit.  You handled that so well, that I am sure that the next round (& we are all sure there will be one) will be easy.

[weeblewobble]

I don't think she wants to spend time with you.  She wants to complain that she never sees you.

[IrishGenes]

I wonder if the real issue is that she is afraid to travel (or travel alone) and be outside her comfort zone.   

[Nora]

Low self esteem that can only be mediated through gifts? I'm just suggesting it because we have a touch of that in my family, and if she's an enabler of her sons she might very well not understand that anyone would like her to visit without getting anything material out of it.

I think you are handling it very graciously!

[bopper]

I wonder if the real issue is that she is afraid to travel (or travel alone) and be outside her comfort zone.   

I bet that is alot of it...but then she should not have agreed to come if she felt this way.   Has Grandma travelled by herself before?
Has she ever been on a plane?  Has she been on a plane recently? Another thing you could do is kind of "walk her through" the airport experience to help put her mind at ease.

"MIL, I am not sure if you have flown lately and there are a few new things. Of course when you get to the terminal that your airline flies out of you go to the ticket counter like always.  They will give you your boarding pass.  THen you go to the security line to go out to the gate. If you don't know where that is ask the people at the ticket counter or any other workers. They will point the way. When you get into the security line you have to make sure that you have any liquids in a small quart size ziploc bag...you know the kind you can buy at the supermarket.  You can only have tiny 3 oz. bottles if you carry them on the plane. If you want bigger stuff put them in your luggage and check it. Then you have to take your shoes off! and put them through the scanner...remember that shoe bomber guy? and your purse and bag.  Then you you wait for the office to tell you to step through the metal detector.  Make sure you aren't wearing  any metal like in your belt or watch or jewelry.  Just put that into your purse.  If you don't know waht to do, ask one of the security officers.  After that it is easy! You go out to your gate (it will tell you which one on the boarding pass).  They will tell you when it is time to get on the plane."

or another idea is to see if you can get an escort/wheelchair for her at the airport so she can have a "guide".

[IrishGenes]

I wonder if the real issue is that she is afraid to travel (or travel alone) and be outside her comfort zone.   

I bet that is alot of it...but then she should not have agreed to come if she felt this way.   Has Grandma travelled by herself before?
Has she ever been on a plane?  Has she been on a plane recently? Another thing you could do is kind of "walk her through" the airport experience to help put her mind at ease.

"MIL, I am not sure if you have flown lately and there are a few new things. Of course when you get to the terminal that your airline flies out of you go to the ticket counter like always.  They will give you your boarding pass.  THen you go to the security line to go out to the gate. If you don't know where that is ask the people at the ticket counter or any other workers. They will point the way. When you get into the security line you have to make sure that you have any liquids in a small quart size ziploc bag...you know the kind you can buy at the supermarket.  You can only have tiny 3 oz. bottles if you carry them on the plane. If you want bigger stuff put them in your luggage and check it. Then you have to take your shoes off! and put them through the scanner...remember that shoe bomber guy? and your purse and bag.  Then you you wait for the office to tell you to step through the metal detector.  Make sure you aren't wearing  any metal like in your belt or watch or jewelry.  Just put that into your purse.  If you don't know waht to do, ask one of the security officers.  After that it is easy! You go out to your gate (it will tell you which one on the boarding pass).  They will tell you when it is time to get on the plane."

or another idea is to see if you can get an escort/wheelchair for her at the airport so she can have a "guide".

This is exactly what my friend's mother does for her own mother ("Oma").  Oma does not speak English and is a little 'confused' in her older years.  My friend's mother arranges for a wheelchair and an escort from the airport in Oma's country to get her to her terminal (friend's uncle takes Oma to the airport and gets her to the escort).  Whenever Oma has to change planes, an airport employee gets her in a wheelchair and takes her to the next terminal/gate.  Since Oma does not speak English, she just sits and lets people take her where she needs to go.  Very little effort on her part.  It makes traveling so much easier for both Oma and for Oma's family here in the states.  They have never had a problem with Oma getting lost or confused.  As far as packing, friend's uncle and aunt pack for her so she doesn't need to deal with the 3-1-1 rule or whatever it is.

[Acadianna]

Call me cynical, but it sounded to me as if she was trying to get you to offer her cash (for the gifts, robe, pajamas, and whatever else she wanted to spend it on).

And if she really is using a visit with her granddaughters as a bargaining chip, I'd be tempted to tell her, "Sorry -- we'll miss you."

[Kess]

I wonder if the real issue is that she is afraid to travel (or travel alone) and be outside her comfort zone.   

I bet that is alot of it...but then she should not have agreed to come if she felt this way.   Has Grandma travelled by herself before?
Has she ever been on a plane?  Has she been on a plane recently? Another thing you could do is kind of "walk her through" the airport experience to help put her mind at ease.

"MIL, I am not sure if you have flown lately and there are a few new things. Of course when you get to the terminal that your airline flies out of you go to the ticket counter like always.  They will give you your boarding pass.  THen you go to the security line to go out to the gate. If you don't know where that is ask the people at the ticket counter or any other workers. They will point the way. When you get into the security line you have to make sure that you have any liquids in a small quart size ziploc bag...you know the kind you can buy at the supermarket.  You can only have tiny 3 oz. bottles if you carry them on the plane. If you want bigger stuff put them in your luggage and check it. Then you have to take your shoes off! and put them through the scanner...remember that shoe bomber guy? and your purse and bag.  Then you you wait for the office to tell you to step through the metal detector.  Make sure you aren't wearing  any metal like in your belt or watch or jewelry.  Just put that into your purse.  If you don't know waht to do, ask one of the security officers.  After that it is easy! You go out to your gate (it will tell you which one on the boarding pass).  They will tell you when it is time to get on the plane."

or another idea is to see if you can get an escort/wheelchair for her at the airport so she can have a "guide".

I wouldn't do the walk-through thing as it sounds like she's not totally committed in her head to coming, and I wouldn't want to give her a reason not to come.  But the second idea is great.

[TootsNYC]

If the money thing comes up again, you might say, with only the tiniest bit of hurt in your voice, "I'm a little insulted that you would think your lack of money to spend on my girls is going to ruin the visit for them. I didn't raise greedy children. They love you for yourself, and I'm hurt that you would be so insistent that they don't."

And then hang up.

Go on the offensive a little bit, and point out exactly how offensive these objections are. Because, well, they are.
We've all skirted around that, but it's true.

And sometimes when people cling to some point of view like this, a brief attack (taking the offensive position, instead of the defensive position) will jar them long enough for them to see someone else's point of view.

[JenJay]

*UPDATE* Sent Grandma an email Tuesday afternoon after reading all of your suggestions, saying to please come, we would not be going near a retail business or mall, that we would cook & gab late Wednesday and Thursday, watch the game and eat leftovers.  Sleep late Friday and eat more leftovers, probably watch a rented movie and play with the baby.  Saturday morning she leaves - no need for money.  I will send her pocket money to get through the airport.

Grandma called last night - excuse 1 - no money for Christmas presents she wanted to buy and bring with her, I said don't worry about Christmas we want to spend time with you.  Excuse 2 - no money to buy herself new pajamas and robe, I said you can use the robe you sent me a few years ago, still like new (I hate it) and you can sleep in old jammys no one will care.  Excuse 3 - no money, uncomfortable travelling broke, I said if you are that uncomfortable travelling don't come, but if your only excuse involves money that is no excuse.  We just want to enjoy your time with us.

Grandma said well if you will take me as I am, I guess I'm coming.  I said, good, looking forward to the visit.  

2nd bet - more excuses will be coming.  

Sounds to me like she just enjoys hearing you beg her to come. I'd have the kids write her an email or send a card that says they'd love to see her and hope she'll come, then I'd send one myself that says we're hoping you'll come but will understand if you decide not to and then I'd step away. If she initiates contact and further excuses I'd reply "We've gone over that before and I think it will be fine, but I understand if you've changed your mind."
Don't feed the Drama Llama!

[Redneck Gravy]

Okay, our grandma called this weekend and she now wants me to change the ticket so that she can fly into a different city and stay a few days with her cousin after leaving our house.

Of course, there is an additional charge to change the ticket.  She said her cousin was buying her the ticket home from his city.  Big Whoop!  Let him pay for the portion from my house to his too!

He is VERY thrifty to the point I would call him cheap, so the trip from his city to hers is around $40 - I'm paying $300 and now an additional $30 for the change.  I'm tempted to just say no.  Let him figure it out.  The airline says that I own the ticket, even though it is in her name and only I can make the changes.

I know the gracious thing to do would be to just change the dang ticket but I'm really thin on patience today.  Should I wait a few days to make the change ?   Maybe I could suggest that cousin cheap pay the difference and mail me a check ?

What thinks ye ?

   

[Bibliophile]

Grandma has the flight info, she can give it to cousin to change it for her.  No need for you to spend extra money.  You're paying for her to visit your family, not for a vacation for her - plus, what is she doing for money when she visits this guy - is he planning on paying for everything?

[Deetee]

Grandma has the flight info, she can give it to cousin to change it for her.  No need for you to spend extra money.  You're paying for her to visit your family, not for a vacation for her - plus, what is she doing for money when she visits this guy - is he planning on paying for everything?

This. Why should you pay for her to visit someone else? Not a mean question, just WHY?

(OK, if she was a darling person and short on cash, I would totally do pay the extra 30 bucks to help her have a lovely vacation, but she is getting on my last nerve and I am not even tangentially related to her. Just say no.)