What's wrong with being a SAHM/Housewife?

[sweetgirl]

Sorry but I disagree. By that token,employement and job satisfaction and catagory is a personal choice. You decide that you want to be a lawyer,or a nurse or a bartender and you put in the hardyards to achieve that. Same with parenthood. Only difference is that you dont get any training with becoming a parent.

And you can most definetly put this under your resume. It may not be recognized by the government and society as its an "expected" duty. But as a fulltime parent you have many roles that you have to take on during the day,jobs you need to do and relationships you have to maintain whilst doing so. All with on the job training.

We are Educators. Chefs. Chaffeurs. Cleaners. Health and safety. Stylists. Personal assistants. Negotiaters.Carers. We have to multitask and manage our lives,our households,our partners and our children.Yes this may be my choice and is the greatest job in the world. But it is a job. Theres no other employement in this world that carries as many job descriptions as ours that requires use of all these tasks every single day.

I have no problem listing housewife and mother on my resume when I do go back to work. And when I do I'll list all that I have learnt and aquired and did in this time of life as job duties. If an employee doesnt accept it as a job then thats their perogidiv. But their would ones who do aswell. I'd rather have "housewife and mother" on my resume than nothing at all. I think you would be really surprised who does count what we do as a real job.

[cbcb]

We are Educators. Chefs. Chaffeurs. Cleaners. Health and safety. Stylists. Personal assistants. Negotiaters.Carers. We have to multitask and manage our lives,our households,our partners and our children.Yes this may be my choice and is the greatest job in the world. But it is a job. Theres no other employement in this world that carries as many job descriptions as ours that requires use of all these tasks every single day.

I respect the choice to be a stay-at-home-parent/spouse, but saying it's more multi-faceted than other jobs (and therefore more difficult?) is just as incorrect and insulting as it would be to say it is easier/less of a job than work outside the home. People choosing that job deserve no more or less respect than those of us who work outside of the home (whether by choice or necessity).

Your statement also implies that parents who do work out of the home (again, due to choice or necessity to put food on the table for those children) don't do all of those things that you listed. Tell that to the single mother who must bust her butt at work all day and then come home and do all of those things for her children when they get back from school. For some people, your choice is not an option, and they have to balance all the same things in the home that you do. It really bothers me when either side judges.



To the OP, it's tough to tell if she's judging you, or just being a bit clueless about the fact that you are happy being stay at home! I think if it continues, you may want to gently but firmly remind her that you do have a job and aren't looking around for another!

[TurtleDove]

cbcb posted while I was typing, and said nearly exactly what I said below.  POD.

Being a SAHparent is an important role.  However, parents who work outside the home also perform all of the tasks you mention (or at least I do and the working parents I know do).  It is not an either/or proposition.   When I am at work, my child is in daycare (and eventually will be in school).  When I am not at work, I -- and most of the working parents I know --are educators, chefs, chaffeurs, cleaners, health and safety, stylists, personal assistants, negotiators, carers.  

I think most people recognize that a SAHparent of children who are not at school during the day is on the go constantly.  I think many people believe the choice to be a SAHparent is admirable.  Children must be cared for, which is why working parents pay daycare providers to watch their not-yet-in-school children.  However, I know of no employers who would count being a SAHparent as actual employment.  They may recognize that you bring a certain skillset to the table, but I think it would be a rare employer who would actually be swayed that being a SAHparent in and of itself qualifies a person for any particular career. Explaining gaps in employment by stating "I chose to be a fulltime housewife and mother" is probably going to be a decent explanation for why you did not work for a period of time.  It is not likely that the skills you learned during this time will qualify you for anything other than work at a daycare (unless you were doing something in addition to being a housewife and mother).  

[sweetgirl]

Listing out all that a parent does for their children,was not meant to offend but to prove that yes it is a job, this is all that we do and are for our child and family. And I dont believe I ever refered this solely for a SAHM. I said parent. My mother was a single mum so I am well aware of what she did do for us. But I am going to take offence to a comment being made that what I do or any other parent is not classified as a job or beneficial career wise. Because this isnt correct and is incredibly insulting.

[Brentwood]

Listing out all that a parent does for their children,was not meant to offend but to prove that yes it is a job, this is all that we do and are for our child and family. And I dont believe I ever refered this solely for a SAHM. I said parent. My mother was a single mum so I am well aware of what she did do for us. But I am going to take offence to a comment being made that what I do or any other parent is not classified as a job or beneficial career wise. Because this isnt correct and is incredibly insulting.

It shouldn't be insulting to say that being a stay-home spouse/stay-home parent isn't suitable for a resume.

I worked from the time I was 18 until I was 32, then I stayed home without outside employment until I was 40. At 40, I took a part-time job, which I still do 4 years later. I was a SAHM for 8 years, but I did not put that on my resume, nor did I list qualifications I don't technically possess (Am I a good cook? Yes, but I am not a chef. Can I break up an argument between 2 kids? Yes, but I am neither a mediator nor a counselor).

You will never find me devaluing what a stay-home parent does. And you will never find me belittling anyone who chooses to stay home with their children - or without children. However, the only context in which I would reference being a SAHM on my resume would be as a very brief explanation of the large gap in employment between 1998 and 2006. Running a household and raising kids is work, certainly. It's an occupation. But it isn't employment.

(Likewise, it wouldn't be correct to say that mothers who work full-time are not "raising" their own children, which is another point that often comes up in this type of discussion.)

[TurtleDove]

Listing out all that a parent does for their children,was not meant to offend but to prove that yes it is a job, this is all that we do and are for our child and family. And I dont believe I ever refered this solely for a SAHM. I said parent. My mother was a single mum so I am well aware of what she did do for us. But I am going to take offence to a comment being made that what I do or any other parent is not classified as a job or beneficial career wise. Because this isnt correct and is incredibly insulting.

No offense or insult was intended, and I apologize that you were insulted.  I think we all have stated that we believe being a SAHparent is an important role.  Being a working parent is also an important role.  I am genuinely curious about how being a SAHparent would be beneficial career wise -- I have never heard this to be true.  Can you explain what you mean and instances of this being true?  

And BIG POD to Cathy.

[cbcb]

Listing out all that a parent does for their children,was not meant to offend but to prove that yes it is a job, this is all that we do and are for our child and family. And I dont believe I ever refered this solely for a SAHM. I said parent. My mother was a single mum so I am well aware of what she did do for us. But I am going to take offence to a comment being made that what I do or any other parent is not classified as a job or beneficial career wise. Because this isnt correct and is incredibly insulting.

I was responding to this statement of yours:

Theres no other employement in this world that carries as many job descriptions as ours that requires use of all these tasks every single day.

That's hyperbole, straight up. You are saying it is a job that involves more variety of work than any other. Many jobs involve playing several roles and multi-tasking - it is not unique to parenting (stay-at-home or otherwise).

I think everyone here feels it is an important role. But I totally agree with Cathy - listing those tasks out on a resume as employment experience would not help you when applying for most jobs. Nor would having a defensive attitude about the years spent as a stay-at-home-parent.

[Piratelvr1121]

I'll admit that I kinda get sensitive about this subject, because my parents were ashamed that their daughter was content to be a SAHM.  They'd hoped I'd be a career woman.   Not just having a job, having a career.    While I was working one job I enjoyed and was content with my position and duties, my mom would say "Is there any potential for advancement? Maybe you should take classes and push to get more responsibilities and authority.   No room for advance?  Hmmm, maybe you need to look for another job where you can advance."    When I'd tell her I was happy where I was and liked my job she'd say "Grow up, we can't all have jobs we like."   

Last spring the temp position I had ended in March and DH and I decided that it would be easier on our budget if I just stayed home during the summer instead of paying the really high prices the daycare charged for their summer program.   And since there were only a few months left of the school year it just made sense for me to start being a SAHM then.   My parents did NOT like it and for months my mother kept sending me job openings, my dad kept calling the house and asking how the job hunt was going. 

I'd hear them telling their friends "Pirate's between jobs" because apparently having a daughter who wants to be a SAHM is something to be ashamed of.     I'm good at being a SAHM, and it's nice not having to worry about using sick time to stay home with a sick kid or leaving work early when the school calls to tell me a child is ill.    And in the time I've been a SAHM in the last year and a half I've found things I'm not too bad at (Photography, knitting, beading) that I could do to bring in a bit of extra money, if I wanted to.

[Cz. Burrito]

I'll admit that I kinda get sensitive about this subject, because my parents were ashamed that their daughter was content to be a SAHM.  They'd hoped I'd be a career woman.   Not just having a job, having a career.    While I was working one job I enjoyed and was content with my position and duties, my mom would say "Is there any potential for advancement? Maybe you should take classes and push to get more responsibilities and authority.   No room for advance?  Hmmm, maybe you need to look for another job where you can advance."    When I'd tell her I was happy where I was and liked my job she'd say "Grow up, we can't all have jobs we like."   

Last spring the temp position I had ended in March and DH and I decided that it would be easier on our budget if I just stayed home during the summer instead of paying the really high prices the daycare charged for their summer program.   And since there were only a few months left of the school year it just made sense for me to start being a SAHM then.   My parents did NOT like it and for months my mother kept sending me job openings, my dad kept calling the house and asking how the job hunt was going. 

I'd hear them telling their friends "Pirate's between jobs" because apparently having a daughter who wants to be a SAHM is something to be ashamed of.     I'm good at being a SAHM, and it's nice not having to worry about using sick time to stay home with a sick kid or leaving work early when the school calls to tell me a child is ill.    And in the time I've been a SAHM in the last year and a half I've found things I'm not too bad at (Photography, knitting, beading) that I could do to bring in a bit of extra money, if I wanted to.

That's a very disappointing attitude (your parents).  I'm sorry that you have to deal with that.    Especially the part about how we can't all have jobs that we like.   

[cbcb]

I'll admit that I kinda get sensitive about this subject, because my parents were ashamed that their daughter was content to be a SAHM.  They'd hoped I'd be a career woman.   Not just having a job, having a career.    While I was working one job I enjoyed and was content with my position and duties, my mom would say "Is there any potential for advancement? Maybe you should take classes and push to get more responsibilities and authority.   No room for advance?  Hmmm, maybe you need to look for another job where you can advance."    When I'd tell her I was happy where I was and liked my job she'd say "Grow up, we can't all have jobs we like."   

Last spring the temp position I had ended in March and DH and I decided that it would be easier on our budget if I just stayed home during the summer instead of paying the really high prices the daycare charged for their summer program.   And since there were only a few months left of the school year it just made sense for me to start being a SAHM then.   My parents did NOT like it and for months my mother kept sending me job openings, my dad kept calling the house and asking how the job hunt was going. 

I'd hear them telling their friends "Pirate's between jobs" because apparently having a daughter who wants to be a SAHM is something to be ashamed of.     I'm good at being a SAHM, and it's nice not having to worry about using sick time to stay home with a sick kid or leaving work early when the school calls to tell me a child is ill.    And in the time I've been a SAHM in the last year and a half I've found things I'm not too bad at (Photography, knitting, beading) that I could do to bring in a bit of extra money, if I wanted to.

So they would rather you apply for a job you don't enjoy (since apparently they think a job you like isn't a real job), and pay daycare? Great plan there from your parents! Sorry they are such PITAs.

[MrsJWine]

I think each job, working parent or SAHP, has its own set of challenges and difficulties.  I'm a SAHM.  It's more emotionally exhausting than many other jobs are.  On the surface, it doesn't seem hard.  It's honestly not all that much work for me to keep the house neat and the children alive.  But the emotional exhaustion has me completely wrung out by their bedtime.  

The first time my husband stayed home with The Child while I was gone for the day, I came home to find him half asleep on the couch, feeding the baby, and he said, "I don't know how you do this all day."  It was gratifying.  But I could easily say the same to him.  I don't know how he can be gone from the house for ten hours a day and then come home and be a father with all the energy that requires.

I'm no more a chef, housekeeper, stylist, and daycare worker than my husband is an IT tech just because he can fix some of his own computer glitches while he's at work.  And my job isn't easy just because I don't do much physical or mental work, any more than his job is easy just because he doesn't have to deal with his coworkers' tantrums, bumps, bruises, and naptimes.

They're each jobs, and each carries its own challenges and difficulties.  I prefer to be a SAHM.  My husband and I both planned for that when we got married.  Sometimes I hate it, but overall I much prefer to be at home with the kids.  The SAHP v. working parent argument isn't terribly productive because it's comparing apples to oranges.  I can't compare the difficulties of the two any better than I can compare the difficulties between construction work and accounting.

ETA: I'm not saying they can't ever be or shouldn't be discussed or compared.  But I have never seen this discussion not devolve into a heated, us v. them snipe-fest.  If it can be done anywhere, I'm sure it's eHell, but it's a potentially contentious topic, especially when approached from the wrong angles.

[Piratelvr1121]

Yeah, they are PITAs and that sort of attitude is one of MANY reasons we're estranged and I don't have to hear that stuff anymore.   While it's true that sometimes we do have to stick in jobs we don't like to make a living until we can find something else we do like, there's no reason someone should leave a job they enjoy for one they won't if they don't need to be making more money.  

One job I really liked and would do every year if it was closer was the soup in a bowl booth at the renfest.   They even called me a week before the season started to see if I wanted to come back and I reluctantly called them back and turned it down since $7.25 an hour would pretty much just cover the gas for the drive down and back every weekend.  

[Brentwood]

 The SAHP v. working parent argument isn't terribly productive because it's comparing apples to oranges.  

And that's something many people forget. I used to frequent a debate board where the subject was discussed so frequently that it had its own forum. Some of the worst flame wars I've ever seen erupt arose out of the SAHM vs. WOHM issue, when it really shouldn't be anyone vs. anyone!

[Piratelvr1121]

I've noticed that when such arguments spring up is when people aren't happy with the decision they made, or aren't sure if they're as happy with their choice as they thought they'd be and look down on those who made the alternate choice.   

My feeling is to each their own, whatever works for you and you enjoy.   

[cbcb]

I've noticed that when such arguments spring up is when people aren't happy with the decision they made, or aren't sure if they're as happy with their choice as they thought they'd be and look down on those who made the alternate choice.  

My feeling is to each their own, whatever works for you and you enjoy.  

Exactly! People are driven and suited to different things, and forcing yourself into a role doesn't do anyone any good.

I personally could not be a stay-at-home-parent - I adore my career and would feel a great loss leaving it. I've known others who hate working outside the home and would've loved to be a SAHP (unfortunately, circumstances don't allow them that option).