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Author Topic: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting  (Read 9236 times)

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Queen of Clubs

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #45 on: October 19, 2010, 07:10:30 PM »
a mosquito while they are out for a walk on the trail is OTT?  Seems a lot more unlikely then sunlight in the eyes?

But there was no mosquito.  So why bring in a 'what then' situation?  The woman in question commented on the sun being in the baby's eyes.  Why not stick to the situation as it happened?

IMO, the woman was a bit rude, and definitely abrupt.

Queen of Clubs

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #46 on: October 19, 2010, 07:14:19 PM »
And if there were a LION in the bushes, should she still mind her own business? And if my aunt had wheels, would she be a trolley car?

Yes, but only if she has a bell to ring. ;)

Quote
A few minutes of sunlight generally isn't a huge issue unless you are a vampire. Bringing in 'what-then' situations is pretty OTT, IMO.

I agree.  It was none of the woman's business.

Balletmom

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #47 on: October 19, 2010, 07:28:03 PM »
One thing I always found interesting with these kind of comments/mommy drive byes is that they almost always seem to be directed at mothers who are alone with their baby.  As a father, no one has ever done that to me, and no one ever did that to my wife when the three of us were out together, but if she went out alone with our son, she'd get them frequently (despite not doing anything different). 

So, there's more than just the element of people thinking that a baby is community property and they're entitled to comment on whatever they want, because they only ever seem to do it to mothers, and only when the father isn't present.  My suspicion is that they know that they're being rude, and are worried about the father's reaction if they insult the mother.  That makes it even worse to me.

Oh, and for the record, I do think the woman in the original post was rude, and that the OP handled it perfectly.

POD. My DH has not once, in 14 and 18 years, received an unsolicited comment about his parenting.

I, on the other hand, remember getting numerous comments over the years. I think Hunter-Gatherer is spot on--people are much more reluctant to be rude to men, because a man's tolerance for such is far lower. Even my elderly retired neighbor (a guy) will make passive aggressive remarks to me about our oleanders topping the fence, or our hedge being too close to the fence on our side, that he has yet--in 12 years--to ever say to DH.


DangerMouth

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #48 on: October 19, 2010, 08:03:08 PM »
And if there were a LION in the bushes, should she still mind her own business? And if my aunt had wheels, would she be a trolley car?

Yes, but only if she has a bell to ring. ;)
(snip)

LOL :D

flo

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #49 on: October 19, 2010, 08:29:23 PM »
One thing I always found interesting with these kind of comments/mommy drive byes is that they almost always seem to be directed at mothers who are alone with their baby.  As a father, no one has ever done that to me, and no one ever did that to my wife when the three of us were out together, but if she went out alone with our son, she'd get them frequently (despite not doing anything different). 

So, there's more than just the element of people thinking that a baby is community property and they're entitled to comment on whatever they want, because they only ever seem to do it to mothers, and only when the father isn't present.  My suspicion is that they know that they're being rude, and are worried about the father's reaction if they insult the mother.  That makes it even worse to me.

Oh, and for the record, I do think the woman in the original post was rude, and that the OP handled it perfectly.

POD. My DH has not once, in 14 and 18 years, received an unsolicited comment about his parenting.

I, on the other hand, remember getting numerous comments over the years. I think Hunter-Gatherer is spot on--people are much more reluctant to be rude to men, because a man's tolerance for such is far lower. Even my elderly retired neighbor (a guy) will make passive aggressive remarks to me about our oleanders topping the fence, or our hedge being too close to the fence on our side, that he has yet--in 12 years--to ever say to DH.



That's interesting.  I never thought about it but it's true.  I don't ever remember my husband having trouble with people touching the baby when they were with him either.  Even if I was with him, but he was pushing the stroller.  That is too strange!

MrsJWine

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #50 on: October 19, 2010, 08:33:57 PM »
No one's ever given my husband annoying advice, but they have made patronizing remarks about him babysitting, etc.  Not in the "Good for you, being a father and doing what fathers are supposed to do!" kind of way, but the, "Oooh, doin' the little lady's work for her, are ya?" kind of way.   ::)

I will say that positive comments are more common than negative, for both of us.  The negative just stick out more.


I have a blog.  I hate that word.


Utah

Amava

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #51 on: October 19, 2010, 09:06:41 PM »
And if there were a LION in the bushes, should she still mind her own business? And if my aunt had wheels, would she be a trolley car?

According to my Father in Law, a steam engine. (Translated from how he says that in Dutch.)

DangerMouth

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #52 on: October 19, 2010, 09:12:26 PM »
One thing I always found interesting with these kind of comments/mommy drive byes is that they almost always seem to be directed at mothers who are alone with their baby.  As a father, no one has ever done that to me, and no one ever did that to my wife when the three of us were out together, but if she went out alone with our son, she'd get them frequently (despite not doing anything different). 

So, there's more than just the element of people thinking that a baby is community property and they're entitled to comment on whatever they want, because they only ever seem to do it to mothers, and only when the father isn't present.  My suspicion is that they know that they're being rude, and are worried about the father's reaction if they insult the mother.  That makes it even worse to me.

Oh, and for the record, I do think the woman in the original post was rude, and that the OP handled it perfectly.

POD. My DH has not once, in 14 and 18 years, received an unsolicited comment about his parenting.

I, on the other hand, remember getting numerous comments over the years. I think Hunter-Gatherer is spot on--people are much more reluctant to be rude to men, because a man's tolerance for such is far lower. Even my elderly retired neighbor (a guy) will make passive aggressive remarks to me about our oleanders topping the fence, or our hedge being too close to the fence on our side, that he has yet--in 12 years--to ever say to DH.



That's interesting.  I never thought about it but it's true.  I don't ever remember my husband having trouble with people touching the baby when they were with him either.  Even if I was with him, but he was pushing the stroller.  That is too strange!

Hah! I was out with my ex and his kid a few times. A guy with a small kid is like a guy with a puppy, IME, woman were all over the two of them. If I was with the kid and he was sightly ahead or behind, I was invisible*, like I'd completely disapeared. Is this what it's like for moms all the time?

*Well, except for some little old ladies. But certainly no cute guys ::)

kareng57

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #53 on: October 19, 2010, 09:14:32 PM »
No one's ever given my husband annoying advice, but they have made patronizing remarks about him babysitting, etc.  Not in the "Good for you, being a father and doing what fathers are supposed to do!" kind of way, but the, "Oooh, doin' the little lady's work for her, are ya?" kind of way.   ::)

I will say that positive comments are more common than negative, for both of us.  The negative just stick out more.

I'd say that's true.  Even though it was 20+ years ago, service-staff tended to treat Dh as though he was some sort of hero for taking the kids off my hands for a couple of hours.....Around the same time, I read a parenting guide-book (can't remember which one) that had a section re travel with kids.  The author and her husband had both had occasions where they'd had to travel separately with their three young kids.  When he took them - the flight attendants (and even fellow passengers) just couldn't do enough.  They'd help calm a fretful youngster, look after the others when Dad had to take one to the lavatory, etc.  When Mom took them?  She asserted that they got treated like excess baggage.  Her tip was "let Dad travel with the kids".

Sharnita

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #54 on: October 20, 2010, 08:35:34 AM »
a mosquito while they are out for a walk on the trail is OTT?  Seems a lot more unlikely then sunlight in the eyes?

But there was no mosquito.  So why bring in a 'what then' situation?  The woman in question commented on the sun being in the baby's eyes.  Why not stick to the situation as it happened?

IMO, the woman was a bit rude, and definitely abrupt.


Because the genral question of whether it is doing somebody a favor to give them heads up when you notice something that might affeft their baby's comfort and you realize they might not have your  vantage point or whether it is intrusive and  qualifies as giving  unwanted advice would apply to both situations.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #55 on: October 20, 2010, 09:55:19 AM »
When I was a baby, we lived in Indiatlantic, FL and my parents told me that one of their single buddies used to walk me up and down the beach because a guy with a baby is a guaranteed magnet for girls.   IIRC, I was responsible for bringing him and his wife together. 

And I never really noticed it before, but I don't think DH has ever gotten criticism when he's been alone with the boys.  In fact there was a time that his company was having a Mandatory Fun Day (AKA Company family picnic) and I couldn't go because I had work but I heard from a friend and wife of a fellow Marine of DH's that she was impressed that our son was actually fully dressed in a matching outfit with matching socks.   
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

DangerMouth

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #56 on: October 20, 2010, 09:59:42 AM »
a mosquito while they are out for a walk on the trail is OTT?  Seems a lot more unlikely then sunlight in the eyes?

But there was no mosquito.  So why bring in a 'what then' situation?  The woman in question commented on the sun being in the baby's eyes.  Why not stick to the situation as it happened?

IMO, the woman was a bit rude, and definitely abrupt.


Because the genral question of whether it is doing somebody a favor to give them heads up when you notice something that might affeft their baby's comfort and you realize they might not have your  vantage point or whether it is intrusive and  qualifies as giving  unwanted advice would apply to both situations.

I still see no reason she couldn't have done so in a more polite and friendly way. This is, as you point out, a value judgement she made as to the childs comfort, not safety. No one blames you if you forget your manners while screaming "lookout! a bus!" But sunlight and mosquitos are normal parts of being outside. If she felt the need to say something, she should have at least been polite about it.

Grammy

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Re: Thanks for the random comment on my parenting
« Reply #57 on: October 20, 2010, 03:44:28 PM »
While I wouldn't say that to a stranger, but if you were an friend I would have.  I have an some eye issues and had more than one doctor tell me that the majority of eye issues stems from sunlight hitting the eyes.

But I would have said it with concern and only if I knew you.  I would suggest a blanket till you reach the trees.

And kudos to you for not saying anything!

My first thought was sun damage to the eyes.