• March 20, 2018, 05:26:29 AM

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Author Topic: The FlipSide - Is it Rude to NOT stay with family members when traveling?  (Read 5317 times)

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  • Guest
Here's the other side of "do I have to host family members" - is it rude to not stay with relatives or friends when visiting?  Honestly, I'd almost always rather stay in a hotel or motel.  I need quiet time, and its nice to be able to unwind.  However, I've never actually managed this when I'm visiting my family - my mom gets horribly hurt if I even suggest that I might stay in a local hotel, even when its going to be clear that the house will be full to bursting with people.

She does the same thing when we are going somewhere as a family (I'm a 32 year old woman who lives by herself and makes a nice living, btw) - she'll insist on paying for my hotel room, and then, oops, can't your Cousin Bertha stay with you?  If I'd known, I'd just had paid for my own room and told her to pay for Cousin Bertha's room.

Clara Bow

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God I hope not, I'm working up the nerve to do that very thing the next time I have to go to my mother's house.....
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I absolutely have to have veg time at night, or I become kind of manic or something when I am around other people.  I am really social and love to chat, and it's like I need to unwind.

I know some of our family members have been offended when we have stayed in hotels while visiting, but I just had to do it anyway.  I think they got over it and even understand now.  So I would say, if you feel like you need to stay in a hotel, by all means go ahead and do it.

When we visit and stay in a hotel, we still bring a gift and treat everyone to at least one meal all together.  We also open up the hotel pool to any of the kids who want to come over and swim with us.  We do the majority of "hanging out" with the "host" family but we just sleep and have breakfast at the hotel.


  • Guest
We've stayed at Mom's ONCE when visiting since we moved away, and that's because it was a super-short visit. Between the smoke, the noise and the stress, we typically insist on getting a room at a nearby motel.

If it's rude to need downtime, quiet time, and time to breathe air that doesn't contain nicotine, then label me rude. Besides, with a little luck we can get a room with a jacuzzi to help with the travel aches and pains.


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My DH and I are dealing with this right now.  We are going to visit his aunt and we used to stay at her house.  However, she is in her 70s and we have 3 kids so we decided it would be better for everyone if we stayed in a hotel.  She was a little hurt but my DH explained that he was concerned that the 5 of us in her little house would be very overwhelming for her and her dog.  We are supposed to leave in one week and we found out a week ago that DH's parents suddenly decided to visit her at the same time and they will be staying at her house.  Good thing we were planning on staying in a hotel or we would be scrambling to make reservations now.
Its stressful having people stay at your house and its stressful staying with someone so I don't think it is rude at all to stay in a hotel.  In our case, I think we are being considerate by not bringing chaos into someone's house.


  • I am a rock, I am an island
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I'm planning to stay at a hotel the next time I visit Houston, where my parents live.

It will be the first time I've ever done that, but it will be for the best.
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  • Guest
I don't think its rude, but I do think some people might get insulted unfortunatly. We visit DH's cousins and the last couple of times we insisted on getting a room. I think they were a little miffed. The don't have a lot of room, and had us sleeping in their bed while they each took a bed from one of their DD's. I am more comfortable in a hotel anyway, and I certainly do not want to kick them out of their own beds.

Oh, how I wish people would make 'other arrangements' when they visit us!  8)


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We stayed at Grandma's house for Grandpa's funeral, even though it was almost literally wall-to-wall people.  The small rural town is miles from any hotel of any size.  I know that my parents stayed at a hotel - but they were bringing my nephew and his wheelchair.  Grandma's house was going to be far too crowded for a wheelchair to manuver - although there was a ramp there, as Grandpa had been in a wheelchair for a while before his death.

But that was about the only time anyone stayed at a hotel instead of Grandma's house..........a three bedroom,two bath house with three daughters, their husbands, their kids, a number of grandkids, and the great-grands & great-great grands in a tent in the front yard was VERY crowded, even when all of us there were standing up.  I walked in to use the toilet when we got there, then ended up back in the car to sleep - it was easier to sleep on the back seat than it was to find a patch of floor that wasn't taken.  DD ended up in the tent, as I recall (not that I recall well - we left early as I was ill).
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Evil Duckie

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No it is not rude to not stay with family even if they invite you to.

I have found that many times the visits go better if we have a space that is away from the family. Too much togetherness can make everyone tense because they have no place to decompress.

This is one of the reasons that several in my family have camper or motorhomes (including us). A bit of private space can change a nice visit into a wonderful visit.


  • Guest
the trick is to establish this norm -- the first time it is 'oh we just need our privacy -- ' and then you stay at the hotel and do this a couple of times and people stop asking

we would NEVER let our kids or anyone else give us their bed -- when my father died my mother insisted on me taking her bed (my brother and his wife had the guest room after having said before we all arrived that they would be staying at a hotel -- )

'Ill just sleep on cushions on the floor in the living room -- I'll be fine'

yeah right Mom -- I am going to insist that the grieving 82 year old widow sleep on the floor so that I can have a bed!!! Of course I wouldn't hear of this and slept on those cushions --

displacing kids is barely acceptable if done rarely -- but displacing the homeowner - never


  • Guest
I'm sorry to say that I'm just like your mom. I love having all the family cram up in my home. I know it's a bit much, but I love having family around and none of them have complained. Plus, hotels in Hawaii can be expensive. But I guess I wouldn't mind if any of them were to tell me that they were to stay at a hotel.


  • Guest
We always stay at a hotel when visiting hubby's brother because at the end of the day I need my own space and so do our boys. We are always invited to stay with BIL & SIL but  it is more close contant that I can handle (on the flip side they stay with us when visiting and I am fine with that).

I think it all has to do with the comfort level. I am a great hostess and love doing it but I can't bring myself to be a guest.


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I would love to have the option of staying in a hotel or motel but that would be very insulting to some of our family members.  Even if it's more comfortable or convenient for us (or anyone else) to do so, staying together is the Only Way. 


  • MadMadge43
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I've stayed at a hotel a once in my home town and my mother has never stopped complaining. But her guest bed is too short for BF, so we have to sleep in her bed and that's just weird.

I would not get away with it if I were to visit any place that any of my cousins or their parent's lived. It's just not how things are done, we're family and of course we all stay with each other. In fact my best friend and I stayed at my cousin's place on air mattresses last weekend, because goodness knows you can't get a hotel room in a city a relative lives in, no matter how weird it might be for my traveling companion (actually cousin and friend have met before and like each other, but still).

Now my BF's family has absolutely no problem with people staying in hotels, his parent's stay in one when they visit town even though both us and BF's sister have a spare room.

Truthfully I kind of like staying at my relatives homes and visa versa, I have been blessed with an entirely awesome extended family.


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Most of my family would be insulted if we didn't stay at their houses. But luckily, they have large houses with plenty of space and guest bedrooms. Downtime is always possible.

It is more when my husband and I are visiting friends that we run up against this. Several times friends have offered us a place to stay and were surprised/disappointed that we didn't stay with them. However, in both cases, they didn't have guest bedrooms available and small children in the home. I really need my sleep at night, and I didn't want to be kept awake by crying babies or through sleeping on a hard floor.

When I saw one friend's apartment, I was really glad we didn't stay there. My husband and I would've slept in the living room, and there were no shades on the huge window that faced east. The room was flooded with light starting at 4am! This friend was a bit miffed that we chose a hotel, saying it was too expensive. But we still got to hang out, and it all turned out all right.

It took some awkward conversations, but I think some of our friends are getting used to the fact that my husband and I will stay in hotels during many visits. I think part of the issue is that they thought we were being snobbish by either showing off that we could afford a hotel or by implying their home wasn't good enough for us. But the issue was simply wanting privacy and wanting to get enough sleep.