Guests Bringing Unsolicited Food

[jaxsue]

The threads regarding guests bringing food reminded me of my late MIL, who always brought unsolicited food when she and FIL were invited guests. These were not hostess gifts.

The premise usually was: my parents, who lived 1200 miles away from me, would be visiting DH and I. We'd invite MIL/FIL for a dinner, prepared entirely by me. I'd have everything, including a dessert made from scratch or a high-quality bakery item (my mom esp. loved petit fours).

MIL would inevitably breeze in, carrying a dessert. She'd announce that it was "better than what I'd planned," and tell me to put mine away for another time. She'd go on and on about her dessert and would fish for compliments. Yes, she was an attention hog. My parents, being polite, played along. So did DH or FIL (they'd long since tuned her out, unfortunately).

To my credit I did serve my dessert as well as hers, and for the sake of peace I didn't tell her exactly what I thought of her actions.

In retrospect, should I have had more backbone? I believe so, but I'm a stronger person now. Have other ehellions experienced this, and how did you handle it?

[Chocolate Cake]

She'd announce that it was "better than what I'd planned,"

With this comment, she's just asking for it, so I'd probably have replied, "Oh, I doubt that.   Besides, it's the hostess' option to set the menu, so I'll be setting YOUR dessert aside for later and will serve mine as I had planned."

[Jaywalker]

I'd probably have done what you did -- served both -- probably not the hill to die on -- but her manner (not just bringing something which could be viewed as gracious) her manner of insulting your menu and cooking should have been slapped a bit

e.g. when presenting the desserts you might have said 'MIL brought this lovely dessert which she has declared is much better than anything I could have cooked -- so we have a chance for a little taste test; Bill what do you think, Mom what do you think -- is MIL's dessert better than mine?'  -- and watch the fun

[jaxsue]

I love both the responses! If I'd been the person I am now, I would have done these things. I was a wimp, I admit. She was a highly dysfunctional person who pretty much intimidated the family.

[alli_wan]

I agree with Jaywalker, it's not a hill to die on.

The best option is to serve both and give your MIL plenty of rope to hang herself.  Fishing for compliments is so endearing, after all.  Bleh.

[twinkletoes]

Ick.  What an uneviable position!

I agree with Jaywalker.  It's incredibly unfair to you that she would foist the other dessert on you, but then again, pick your battles.

Just curious - did your MIL only do that when your parents were over?  Either way, it's still really odd.

[BurninDinner]

I disagree.  Say no.  "Put yours aside for later, the one I brought is better."  "No, I made it and I'm serving it.  I will not serve yours tonight."
If she kept it up, quit inviting her over.  What a jerk.

[twinkletoes]

I disagree.  Say no.  "Put yours aside for later, the one I brought is better."  "No, I made it and I'm serving it.  I will not serve yours tonight."
If she kept it up, quit inviting her over.  What a jerk.

I'm afraid I disagree.

It gives the MIL ample ammunition - she will definitely go and tell anyone who will listen that "I brought this cake from such-and-such expensive bakery" or even worse "I slaved in the kitchen for hours to make this cake, only to have my ungrateful DIL tell me she wouldn't serve it!"  Because we all know the MIL will most likley revise the story to the point where it sounds like the OP would rather serve *no* dessert than what the MIL brought.

It also creates hostility.  With ILs (with all family members, really), you do pick your battles.  It's far easier to just serve the dessert than to make a point - and if MIL is a drama queen, the dinner will most likely be ruined.  Far better to humor her by serving both desserts and being kinda evil in asking others what they think of it.

[jaxsue]

I appreciate all the viewpoints. My late MIL was very manipulative and difficult, and most people were afraid of confronting her, even in a nice way (those who did she hated forever).

My DH was "deaf" to her comments, and that didn't help our relationship. My parents (this behavior was the worst in their presence) were too polite to say anything.

It's in the past, but if I knew someone had a future MIL like this - and the future DH/DW didn't set boundaries - I'd tell them to run like hell!

[caranfin]

I disagree.  Say no.  "Put yours aside for later, the one I brought is better."  "No, I made it and I'm serving it.  I will not serve yours tonight."
If she kept it up, quit inviting her over.  What a jerk.

I'm afraid I disagree.

It gives the MIL ample ammunition - she will definitely go and tell anyone who will listen that "I brought this cake from such-and-such expensive bakery" or even worse "I slaved in the kitchen for hours to make this cake, only to have my ungrateful DIL tell me she wouldn't serve it!"  Because we all know the MIL will most likley revise the story to the point where it sounds like the OP would rather serve *no* dessert than what the MIL brought.

It also creates hostility.  With ILs (with all family members, really), you do pick your battles.  It's far easier to just serve the dessert than to make a point - and if MIL is a drama queen, the dinner will most likely be ruined.  Far better to humor her by serving both desserts and being kinda evil in asking others what they think of it.

It depends on the situation. Sometimes the IL is a bully, and the way to get a bully to back down is to stand up to her. There's nothing at all rude about refusing to serve food which was neither requested nor wanted, and if the IL throws a fit, it only shows her true colors. You have to draw the line somewhere. If you let your MIL determine your menu (especially if she's got the gall to say "this is better than what you had planned,") it's not going to stop there. She's going to be naming your children, decorating your house, and planning your vacations. Nip it in the bud. (This of course presumes the MIL isn't one of those people who means well but simply doesn't get it... we have to give the DIL credit for knowing her MIL well enough to determine that.)

[GingerLee]

"Oh, how thoughtful!  It looks positively delicious.  Oopsy!  Oh, dear, look what I've done, your lovely dessert smashed to the floor...Oh, well, we'll just have to make do." 

[likiak]

I don't think you were a wimp to your MIL. My MIL is horrid. I let her do whatever and say whatever. I keep my mouth shut. It's not that I don't have a backbone. I guess I was just raised to be a good person and think of my parents and be thanful on how wonderful they are to me. I always thought I was the bigger and better person, and I just pity my MIL. Her son clings to me now, not her.
I think you handled it great. Just make sure you know not to sink down to that low of a level.

[AprilRenee]

I'd be tempted to eat a slice of whatever she brought over, with everyone else and then jump up screaming "O. M.  G. Is that a FLY in here? That's disgusting. I've lost my appetite"

[blarg314]

I would be inclined to prepare something very perishable/time sensitive (i.e. has to be served tonight, or it will spoil), and use that as an excuse to put the other dessert by for later, with comments about how you'll really like it.  Mind you, I have very little patience for passive agressive garbage like that, where someone is deliberately attempting to sabotage someone else's work.  It's bullying, and I'd rather put up with her complaining about how I slighted her dessert than giving in to her every time.

[willow08]

"Oh, how thoughtful!  It looks positively delicious.  Oopsy!  Oh, dear, look what I've done, your lovely dessert smashed to the floor...Oh, well, we'll just have to make do." 

Welcome to the board, Ginger Lee. I think you and I are going to get along juuuuust fine.