Author Topic: Vaguebooking  (Read 3629 times)

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gellchom

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #60 on: December 10, 2014, 10:15:21 AM »
"Humblebrags" usually begin "Feeling so blessed/grateful ..." - I'm guessing because FB status updates used to begin automatically with "John Doe is ...."  Or maybe just because people think it disguises the brag better?  (It doesn't.)  Examples:

"So grateful to be married to the most wonderful person in the world who treats me like a queen every day and today surprised me with a magnificent emerald bracelet!!!!!!!!"

"Very blessed that my brilliant son Myron's grape peeler won first prize at the tech convention."

I don't see those as examples of humblebragging at all! They seem genuinely grateful. In fact, I love seeing statuses like these - they make me happy to read :)

But of course, it depends on the person writing the status. I usually know my FB friends well enough to know if they're genuine or not. I guess I could imagine situations where I'd know (or at least suspect) the person was more focused on bragging than on being thankful.

But if it's about being thankful, not about announcing I got an emerald bracelet !!!!, why are you telling me (and hundreds of other people)?  Tell the person you are thankful to, and perhaps appropriate others, but not everyone who sees it on Facebook.  I think that the "so grateful/feeling blessed" doesn't really change anything; even if the intent was benign, it's still announcing your own good fortune and how great your life is to a long list of people, including many who aren't as fortunate as you.  We wouldn't do that any other way; IMO, the Facebook setting doesn't make it any different.

Announcing our children's, friends', and SO's achievements is a little better, but I think you (general) still need to be careful how you phrase it.  That's where I think "Feeling so blessed that ..." actually detracts, because it makes it seem like you are trying to make it look like something different and absolve yourself.  I find myself feeling less happy when I read such posts than if they'd just said the nice thing without the humblebrag intro.  Tactful actual bragging as opposed to humblebragging, I suppose.  I prefer something like, "Wonderful news for our family: when our daughter Petunia graduates this weekend, she will receive her BA magna cum laude!  Petunia, your hard work has paid off.  We are very proud."

And I still wouldn't do it too often!

I have a question: is there a way (other than a bunch of PMs) to post to different groups -- i.e., a way to post so everyone on your list can see it, but to mark other posts differently so that only selected people, or a smaller pre-selected group, can see it?  IMO, that would solve the whole problem.

miranova

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #61 on: December 10, 2014, 10:37:59 AM »
While I agree with some of what you are saying, I have to say that I'm just not going to spend my time sorting my FB friends into different categories before I announce that I'm proud of my daughter for graduating college.  I simply accept that some people will care and some people won't, and that's ok.  It's not like I actually think that every single person on my list wants to know that fact, it's just that I am not going to spend my time guessing who will care and sorting them accordingly.  And I trust my FB friends not to overthink my posts that much. If something doesn't apply to them, I assume that they will just scroll on and not think poorly of me or assume that I was posting it specifically for them. That's not how FB works. 

I don't like this idea that we can never post happy news without being seen as bragging and we can never post bad news without being seen as whining.  What are we even allowed to post then?

Not everyone is turned off by these things.  I would be totally bored by FB if no one ever posted things like that. 

miranova

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #62 on: December 10, 2014, 10:45:09 AM »
I wanted to say that I do understand it's a matter of degree.  But I'm still getting a feeling from some of these posts that there is almost nothing safe to post on Facebook that won't appear as bragging or whining. 

SingActDance

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #63 on: December 10, 2014, 11:36:57 AM »
I wanted to say that I do understand it's a matter of degree.  But I'm still getting a feeling from some of these posts that there is almost nothing safe to post on Facebook that won't appear as bragging or whining.

(All you's general)

At the end of the day, it's a personal Facebook page, the owner can post whatever they want. But I think of it like a conversation at a party. If everything out of your mouth is self-centered ("I just have the best life ever! My children are the smartest! Let me tell you all the great things about meeee!") or at the other end of the spectrum, whiny ("Why can't anything go right for me? My boss is just such a jerk! I'll never find love, whaaaa!")...well, nobody is going to want to listen to you.

But, if you break it up with some thoughts on current events, humorous musings, or factoids, you'll be a much more interesting person and people will want to hear what you have to say.
Most people look at musical theatre and think "Why are those people singing and dancing in the street?" I'm sort of the opposite. I see a street full of people and think, "Why aren't they?"

miranova

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #64 on: December 10, 2014, 01:05:16 PM »
I wanted to say that I do understand it's a matter of degree.  But I'm still getting a feeling from some of these posts that there is almost nothing safe to post on Facebook that won't appear as bragging or whining.

(All you's general)

At the end of the day, it's a personal Facebook page, the owner can post whatever they want. But I think of it like a conversation at a party. If everything out of your mouth is self-centered ("I just have the best life ever! My children are the smartest! Let me tell you all the great things about meeee!") or at the other end of the spectrum, whiny ("Why can't anything go right for me? My boss is just such a jerk! I'll never find love, whaaaa!")...well, nobody is going to want to listen to you.

But, if you break it up with some thoughts on current events, humorous musings, or factoids, you'll be a much more interesting person and people will want to hear what you have to say.

Oh yes, I agree with all of this. 

I'm mostly responding to the idea that we shouldn't post anything on FB unless we are certain that all 150 of our friends would care about it.  That's not how I use Facebook.  I'm not under any delusions that all 150 of my friends care about the parade this weekend, but some of them might, so I may post about it and see if anyone wants to meet up.  I'm not under any delusions that all 150 of my friends care about my son winning the science fair but many of them will (definitely his grandparents who live far away and want to see the photos) so I post about it.  I can't print and send photos that quickly or easily to his grandparents.  It's easier to put it on FB, I'll probably never send them photos otherwise.  Those are just examples but my point is that I trust that people who aren't interested in the parade because they aren't local will just scroll on by without judging me.  And I trust that the people who have never met my son will understand that I wasn't posting that specifically for them to see, but just as a way to get it out there quickly to the people who DO care. 

I know that a lot of things I see posted aren't relevant to me, but I don't take that to mean "why does this person think that I care about this?" because I know that it's not a personal letter to me only.  It's going out to many people and I'm sure some of them are interested in it.

gellchom

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #65 on: December 10, 2014, 01:20:08 PM »
I can't speak for others, but I wasn't saying I mind people posting happy news -- I just prefer if they simply do so without trying to make it look like something else.  I.e., bragging is better than humblebragging.  And whining is whining, and PA is PA, on Facebook just as anywhere else.

And I do think that it is nice to be judicious about how often you post even happy news, the same as you would at a party. 

Miranova, I don't think there is anything wrong with any of those examples you give, even though not everyone will be interested.  The only problem is that when people post things not of general interest too often, then everyone's news feed is cluttered up with stuff they aren't interested in and they won't bother to go through it to see the things they do want to.

Which is why even perfectly nice people who aren't vaguebooking or bragplaining or whining or anything else eye-rolling get unfriended or hidden by lots of people.  I just don't want that many posts from any one person, otherwise my "news feed" starts to become more like their personal blog.  In fact, maybe starting a blog might be a better choice for people who post so frequently on Facebook.

Stepping back and thinking of the original post, I think the underlying issue is how we use Facebook, specifically (for an etiquette forum), are the rules and standards different from how we would communicate in other situations?  SingDanceAct compares party conversation; others mentioned bulletin board.  I think we can all agree that there is a big difference in what is appropriate subject matter and frequency for party talk, a bulletin board, a blog, and a diary.  So where does Facebook fit in?

MariaE

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #66 on: December 10, 2014, 01:28:40 PM »
"Humblebrags" usually begin "Feeling so blessed/grateful ..." - I'm guessing because FB status updates used to begin automatically with "John Doe is ...."  Or maybe just because people think it disguises the brag better?  (It doesn't.)  Examples:

"So grateful to be married to the most wonderful person in the world who treats me like a queen every day and today surprised me with a magnificent emerald bracelet!!!!!!!!"

"Very blessed that my brilliant son Myron's grape peeler won first prize at the tech convention."

I don't see those as examples of humblebragging at all! They seem genuinely grateful. In fact, I love seeing statuses like these - they make me happy to read :)

But of course, it depends on the person writing the status. I usually know my FB friends well enough to know if they're genuine or not. I guess I could imagine situations where I'd know (or at least suspect) the person was more focused on bragging than on being thankful.

But if it's about being thankful, not about announcing I got an emerald bracelet !!!!, why are you telling me (and hundreds of other people)?  Tell the person you are thankful to, and perhaps appropriate others, but not everyone who sees it on Facebook.  I think that the "so grateful/feeling blessed" doesn't really change anything; even if the intent was benign, it's still announcing your own good fortune and how great your life is to a long list of people, including many who aren't as fortunate as you.  We wouldn't do that any other way; IMO, the Facebook setting doesn't make it any different.

Why not tell us? Why not share the happiness? That's what I don't get. Should I never write about anything good just because others might get jealous? Never write about vacations because others might not be able to afford it? Never write about the fun I have with my sisters because others might have toxic families?

In that case, I'd rather they just defriend me, than have to watch everything I say for fear it might offend somebody.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

ezbliss

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #67 on: December 10, 2014, 01:29:17 PM »
I have a few vaguebooking fb friends, which might generate an eye roll but I don't think much of it except when one (who is a friend from hs) posted a long public announcement about her "heart being ripped out" by her long-term bf. I quickly contacted her asking if she was okay, and she said that she was fine, so I inquired about the fb post and she said that they had broken up a while before and that they were fine and still talked all the time and hungout. I was like  :o . They aren't fb friends so it seemed really weird that she posted a very dramatic post publicly but behind closed doors their breakup was amicable. I just know now that I will take her fb posts with a grain of salt and wait for our face-to-face talks to hear what's actually going on.

Wow.  Putting all that in a FB post is....weird.  If I didn't know the person well, I'd stop reading/hide their posts.

I donít use FB much.  Maybe a couple times a week.  I prefer people email, text, or call me.

I got tired of reading the minutia of everyday life; I donít particularly need to know everytime someone eats a BigMac or buys a new (whatever).

gellchom

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #68 on: December 10, 2014, 02:20:21 PM »

Why not tell us? Why not share the happiness? That's what I don't get. Should I never write about anything good just because others might get jealous? Never write about vacations because others might not be able to afford it? Never write about the fun I have with my sisters because others might have toxic families?

In that case, I'd rather they just defriend me, than have to watch everything I say for fear it might offend somebody.

I bet you posted before you saw my post just prior to this one (see it now?).  Specifically this part:
Quote
I can't speak for others, but I wasn't saying I mind people posting happy news -- I just prefer if they simply do so without trying to make it look like something else.  I.e., bragging is better than humblebragging.  And whining is whining, and PA is PA, on Facebook just as anywhere else.

And I do think that it is nice to be judicious about how often you post even happy news, the same as you would at a party. 

No one is saying never to post happy news, just that we all need to be judicious about the frequency and tone, and to consider the audience -- exactly the same as we would do in every other context (other than our own diary or therapist). 

This reminds me about people's complaints about Christmas family newsletters.

You (general) already know how to, and how not to, share happy news in every other context; likewise when to complain about your life and when not to; who is interested and who is not interested in the details of your day or a specific subject; and when you are and are not dominating the conversation.  What is absolutely appropriate in one context may not be right for another.  Facebook is no exception -- that's all we are saying. 

MariaE

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #69 on: December 10, 2014, 03:46:37 PM »
You're right, I didn't see it. Thank you for giving me the benefit of doubt :)

In that case, I think the only thing we disagree on is whether your examples are humblebragging or just genuinely happiness. I see it as the latter, you see it as the former, and since we're both more likely to know our own FB friends best, we're probably both right! :)
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Essay

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #70 on: December 10, 2014, 04:16:42 PM »
What about this standard for polite Facebooking: "Am I contributing something to the conversation?" This is the rule I apply to Facebook posting, and I think that could be a rule uniting water cooler and party chat with courteous use of the bulletin board.

Letting your friends know about some good news? Of course, I'm happy for them! Bragging about good news constantly? Yikes, as domineering and annoying as it would be in real life. Complaining about being busy or sharing your meal? Maybe--are you complaining just to complain, or to genuinely warn others, or (my favorite) in a way that turns into a self-deprecating joke that will make your friends laugh? Facebook is, by definition, for attention, but so is *all* conversation. As a formerly shy person, I have convinced myself that it's okay to participate in conversation AND Facebook, as long as I'm contributing something (a joke, an idea, a book recommendation) as well as "taking" that attention.

(Still working on this in Ehell... trying to be less of a lurker, as it's possible I overapply this principle.)

Asking for help *in a Facebook appropriate way* fits into this framework, too. Asking for recommendations about something people loooove to give recommendations and chat about? Definitely okay. Asking for money, or asking for "advice" that one quickly shoots down and turns into an opportunity to complain more? You're not contributing, you're being a pain.

CakeEater

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #71 on: December 10, 2014, 04:32:09 PM »
What about this standard for polite Facebooking: "Am I contributing something to the conversation?" This is the rule I apply to Facebook posting, and I think that could be a rule uniting water cooler and party chat with courteous use of the bulletin board.

Letting your friends know about some good news? Of course, I'm happy for them! Bragging about good news constantly? Yikes, as domineering and annoying as it would be in real life. Complaining about being busy or sharing your meal? Maybe--are you complaining just to complain, or to genuinely warn others, or (my favorite) in a way that turns into a self-deprecating joke that will make your friends laugh? Facebook is, by definition, for attention, but so is *all* conversation. As a formerly shy person, I have convinced myself that it's okay to participate in conversation AND Facebook, as long as I'm contributing something (a joke, an idea, a book recommendation) as well as "taking" that attention.

(Still working on this in Ehell... trying to be less of a lurker, as it's possible I overapply this principle.)

Asking for help *in a Facebook appropriate way* fits into this framework, too. Asking for recommendations about something people loooove to give recommendations and chat about? Definitely okay. Asking for money, or asking for "advice" that one quickly shoots down and turns into an opportunity to complain more? You're not contributing, you're being a pain.

Great summary!

To me, FB is my personal PR exercise. Every time I post, I wonder how what I say reflects on me. I have a wide spectrum of people on my friends list including people I would like to be an example to, and people who I want to think well of me: my mother, my pastor, ex-students, ex-teachers, my daughter's friends' mothers, DH's co-workers etc etc, as well as my good friends who I could say anything to.

I need to consider all of those people my audience. Of course, some are going to be more interested in some posts than others - I don't feel the need to be interesting to everyone all the time. But my personal rule is that nothing should reflect badly on me, or my husband or my children.

artk2002

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #72 on: December 11, 2014, 02:23:26 PM »
I must be a really nice guy or have good friends. I never get "bragsplaining" on my feed.






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PastryGoddess

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #73 on: December 11, 2014, 04:07:32 PM »
Today I had two rants on my feed.  The first was done the right way, and the second was classic vaguebooking. 

For me if you're going to rant, then you need to be specific in who you're ranting about.  In this case my friend was mad because someone flagged one of her posts for nudity, even though there was none in the post.  She basically said, if you have a problem with what I'm posting, send me a PM, hide or unfriend me.  Which is exactly what I've done with 99% of her recent posts.

On the other hand my cousin did one of those classic vaguebooking posts calling out "haters" and "frenemies" who are jealous of her fabulousness ::)

jackie jormp jomp

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Re: Vaguebooking
« Reply #74 on: Today at 02:36:50 AM »
But then it comes back to, "It's her FB."
Yes. And her facebook makes her look like a doofus. Her fault. I can still enjoy the laughing at it part :)