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  • May 27, 2015, 08:14:28 AM

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Author Topic: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!  (Read 2207 times)

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Angel B.

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Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« on: May 18, 2015, 12:41:05 PM »
This occurred over the messaging system "Whatsapp" so I thought it fit best in this folder.

BG: I used to have a good group of friends that I hung out with frequently. As time went on, people got SOs or cliqued up with another person in the group, so its pretty much infrequent(nonexistent) hanging out. I tried to get together with people on an individual basis or small groups but they were busy with each other or their SOs. After being declined or not responded to numerous times or coming to realize they weren't very good friends, I gave up and its been at least 5 months since I've had any real contact with them. We are all still connected on a Whatsapp group, where we can message each other and everyone in the group can see it. I'm moving away in July to a new city and return to school. (END BG)

Typically, people have very big leaving parties. Since I only care to say goodbye to 2 or 3 people, I'm going to do something individually with each.

I received a Whatsapp message on the group chat from one girl who I gave up trying to get together with. She wrote:

"Hello guys, are we gathering for AngelB's farewell? Lets arrange a date to do something. Work and paddling are hectic for me so I need to know in advance."

My gut reaction was to say something that I doubt is Ehell Approved...along the lines of "you haven't spoken to me in months, why would I invite you to my farewell party?"

What can I say in this situation? Should I even say anything?
My greatest treasure is love beyond measure.
-Il barbiere di Siviglia

TootsNYC

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2015, 12:45:10 PM »
I'd just treat it as a scheduling thing: "My schedule is really filling up--there's so much to do! I'll probably have to pass. Thanks, though!"

Quote
Work and paddling are hectic for me so I need to know in advance.

Oh yeah, and *moving* isn't hectic for you?

Came back to add: I would follow that immediately with individual contact to the people you really, really want to get together with: "I won't have time for a big group sendoff, but I want to be sure I get together with you before I go--save me some time on your summer calendar? What about June 10."
    Be specific about a date and time; and make the distinction between "big group event I don't have time for" and "I really want to spend some time with you personally."
« Last Edit: May 18, 2015, 12:47:02 PM by TootsNYC »

FauxFoodist

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2015, 03:00:43 PM »
Answer truthfully? "Hi -- I'm not having a farewell party, but thank you for thinking of me."

Then make sure you've set up dates for those you're planning to see before you go because, really, you *aren't* having a farewell party.

Runningstar

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2015, 03:27:11 PM »
If it were me, I'd cancel my involvement in that chat group (are you able to just delete?) and not worry about this message.  If they go to the trouble of planning something, then someone can tell you about the details and you can decide about it then.  If they just meander around trying to find the time to do a party - then you will be spared the drama of it all.  Maybe I am misinterpreting the dynamics, but it sounds like you are supposed to await everyones replies with bated breath?

HotMango

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2015, 08:02:28 PM »
Answer truthfully? "Hi -- I'm not having a farewell party, but thank you for thinking of me."

Then make sure you've set up dates for those you're planning to see before you go because, really, you *aren't* having a farewell party.

This. I don't see why just begging out right now would be so difficult. It was just a question from a group member. It wasn't like they'd arranged a party without your knowledge and demanding you show. Just tell them "no" and move on already.

Danika

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2015, 10:06:55 PM »
I like Toots's response because you're taking your power back. You're not waiting for a bunch of people to make time for you. You're just saying, with very diplomatic words, "you guys never had time for me. I don't have time or desire to see you anymore either."

MrTango

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2015, 08:15:01 AM »
Answer truthfully? "Hi -- I'm not having a farewell party, but thank you for thinking of me."

Then make sure you've set up dates for those you're planning to see before you go because, really, you *aren't* having a farewell party.

This. I don't see why just begging out right now would be so difficult. It was just a question from a group member. It wasn't like they'd arranged a party without your knowledge and demanding you show. Just tell them "no" and move on already.

I agree that declining now would the the easist thing in the long run.

An invitation isn't a summons, even if you are to be the guest-of-honor, but there's likely to be a lot less social pressure if you decline now before the event is planned.

tinkytinky

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2015, 10:06:16 AM »
I, too, would respond with something like "With so much to do with moving, my schedule is packed. Trying to sync everyone's schedule is impossible for me, so I won't be able to get together. Next time you guys get together, just remember to raise a glass for me! :) " and go on with your tasks.

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Angel B.

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2015, 11:12:01 AM »
Thanks everyone, I ended writing "Hey guys, I'm not planning on having a farewell. If you want to see me before I go, you can message me and we can arrange something."

Nobody messaged me, and I'm not surprised. On with my daily life and wrapping up life before 2 moves across the globe!

And HotMango, was it necessary to say "move on already"?
My greatest treasure is love beyond measure.
-Il barbiere di Siviglia

HotMango

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2015, 01:45:28 PM »
Thanks everyone, I ended writing "Hey guys, I'm not planning on having a farewell. If you want to see me before I go, you can message me and we can arrange something."

Nobody messaged me, and I'm not surprised. On with my daily life and wrapping up life before 2 moves across the globe!

And HotMango, was it necessary to say "move on already"?

My apologies if it sounded glib. That was not my intention. As you made it clear in the original post, you didn't feel close to many of the people in this group and I was under the impression you wanted to distance yourself from them ASAP. What I meant to say was your immediate response (which you've now done as I see in your update) is to say "no thanks" and you can continue on with your life without them in it.

Blaquerose08

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2015, 04:56:07 PM »
I know you've already sent out the response, but I'd like to point out that if maintaining friendships goes two ways. It's easy to have online friendships, but harder to maintain in person friendships. I figured this out after every one graduated from college and went back to their home states. I wished that I had been more active in maintaining my hometown friendships, but I thought that since they weren't making an effort why should I bother keeping in contact? I regret that choice now. I think keeping in touch with people is worth the effort even if it's only an online thing. You never know when you might be heading back in that direction and could end up with an old friend to reminisce with over dinner.

Angel B.

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Re: Not Having a Going Away Party With You!
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2015, 02:01:08 AM »
I know you've already sent out the response, but I'd like to point out that if maintaining friendships goes two ways. It's easy to have online friendships, but harder to maintain in person friendships. I figured this out after every one graduated from college and went back to their home states. I wished that I had been more active in maintaining my hometown friendships, but I thought that since they weren't making an effort why should I bother keeping in contact? I regret that choice now. I think keeping in touch with people is worth the effort even if it's only an online thing. You never know when you might be heading back in that direction and could end up with an old friend to reminisce with over dinner.

It certainly does and when the people you are trying to stay friends with don't respond to your messages to meet up or your asking how they are or are too busy to meet up, they probably aren't worth it. Some of them I cut out of my life because I realized they weren't good friends. To me, a good friend isn't someone who just looks at my Facebook and that's it.

I'm the sort of person who has a few close friends and there are at least a few people from university, my hometown, etc. that I've stayed in touch with. Even if it's once a month or every few months sending a message.The reality is, I'm not ever coming back to this city if I can help it, and I'm moving across the world.
My greatest treasure is love beyond measure.
-Il barbiere di Siviglia