Author Topic: You're not my mother!!!  (Read 21714 times)

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Animala

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2010, 12:17:46 AM »
Aren't the food police lovely people?  Put your foot down now and practice in front of a mirror if you need to.  I am an adult and I do not need to be told what to do.  What I eat is none of your business.  Notes about what I eat are inappropriate.  My finances are not for you to worry about.

I think you should discuss with your bf what may need to happen if she refuses to stop.

shhh its me

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #16 on: November 01, 2010, 02:12:27 AM »
  This I will deal with bluntly.

  " We will get along much better if we define our relationship. We are roomates that's it! not diet buddies or career cheerleaders. I do not expect  you tell me again what I can and can't , should or shouldn't eat. When if or how I should work or handle my finaces. This note comes down NOW."
if there is any protest " This is not up for debate. I neither asked for or desire your advise in these matters." or if they say something to the effect of " Well gee it's just because we care/only joking" "As it doesn't happen again we'll be fine."

Roommates is too intmate and constant a relationship to use " So kind of you to take an intrest" with such big matters.  If it was a small bit of advice given rarely" You should dye your hair red" 2 months latter " You should work at Widgets I think you'd like it"  I think that "So kind.."would be fine but this is just way too much and you didn't even mention the other issues.


How much do you need roomates , are they on the lease?

Twik

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #17 on: November 01, 2010, 03:24:25 PM »
These are not just roommate foibles, they're practically something out of the first part of a horror movie. Pulling food out of your hand? Oh, no. Putting up a chart, like you were a preschooler getting gold stars? How much more patronizing could one be?

Merry Miss Martin is right - you need to sit them down right now, and tell them that you will not put up with this any more. If they insist on continuing, then living arrangements must change. While they're mulling it over, I'd mention that the next time one of them touches me without my permission, I'm filing assault charges. Maybe that would sink in.

And I agree with Mechtilde. "How DARE you!" is sanctified even by Miss Manners herself when people treat others in a way that they never, ever should dare. This is organized bullying, and you need to start protecting yourself from them.
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VorFemme

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2010, 04:14:24 PM »
"Mother, I'm an adult now, I KNOW what I need to eat, drink, etc......wait, you're NOT my mother, so it's none of your business!"

Every single time they make a comment - give them the hairy eyeball glare (over the top of your glasses, if you wear them) and remind them that they are NOT your mother, your doctor, or whatever role they are attempting to enact at the time.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

LEMon

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2010, 04:25:17 PM »
Skoffin, things are not going to get better unless there is a 'conflict/confrontation/discussion'.  They will keep doing what they are doing until you draw a very firm line and make it clear that they must change.  And you may need to demand change.  You deserve respect.

Conflict can be very good because it can lead to change.  No confrontation/discussion of this will lead to more of the same.  Our choice is backbone or doormat.

I would talk first to boyfriend and agree what needs to be said.  (Having his backing will help you with confidence, and they need to hear from him how out of line they are.)  Then sit them down and be direct.  They have no business living/controlling you life - not 'caring', not 'joking' - none.  And if you need to point it out, friends do not treat friends like children.

gramma dishes

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2010, 04:34:20 PM »
Why is it necessary that you have these people as flatmates?  It seems to me that it's past time for them to go.

hobish

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2010, 04:40:45 PM »
Skoffin, things are not going to get better unless there is a 'conflict/confrontation/discussion'.  They will keep doing what they are doing until you draw a very firm line and make it clear that they must change.  And you may need to demand change.  You deserve respect.

Conflict can be very good because it can lead to change.  No confrontation/discussion of this will lead to more of the same.  Our choice is backbone or doormat.

I would talk first to boyfriend and agree what needs to be said.  (Having his backing will help you with confidence, and they need to hear from him how out of line they are.)  Then sit them down and be direct.  They have no business living/controlling you life - not 'caring', not 'joking' - none.  And if you need to point it out, friends do not treat friends like children.

I love the way you put that! It can be applied to so many situations beyond this one.
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BeagleMommy

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2010, 11:05:43 PM »
 Anyone who snatched food out of my hand would soon lose that hand.  I think you should have a very frank and open discussion with these people.  Make sure your BF backs you up.  Was he home when they dogpiled you?  I know if anyone had done that to me DH would have turned into the Incredible Hulk.

Morticia

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2010, 10:56:12 AM »
OP? Any updates? I really hope you've put these yahoos in their place.
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Skoffin

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #24 on: November 18, 2010, 08:31:02 PM »
Oh yes, sorry. The thread hadn't bumped since I read the suggestions and it just slipped my mind.

About a day or two after the thread was made the flatmate did the "eat a banana!" thing as she passed my door on her way to work. A minute or so later I went out to the living room and asked my boyfriend if everyone was gone, I guess he spotted the pained expression on my face as he asked what was up. I told him that those comments were really bothering me, he let me know that he didn't realise that I was becoming uncomfortable in our home and that he'd speak to them about it etc. He then went into the kitchen and pulled the note down and threw it away, reassured me and that was basically it. I haven't heard any of these comments since.

Thank you all for your comments. Sometimes I know what the obvious thing to do is, yet when I find myself in these situations suddenly I become unsure of how I should be acting on it. :/

I don't really know what my boyfriend said to them, but the health one has definitely been covered. I don't know about the financial aspect though, I don't recall mentioning it to him but that one hasn't cropped up yet either. Although that one wasn't often to begin with. I already feel under pressure by both my and my boyfriends families to find work, it makes me feel even more inept as an adult to have people that are not even in their 20's yet to also parent me.  :-\

petal

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #25 on: November 18, 2010, 08:42:15 PM »
can i ask why you didnt take the note down yourself?   or tell them all to mind their own business?

why did you ask your boyfriend to do it instead?

Skoffin

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #26 on: November 18, 2010, 08:57:39 PM »
Certainly. I've been incredibly awkward around them for a while now, I wasn't really sure how to broach the subject with them. There had been other notes on the fridge for different things previously, not specifically directed at me, and by this stage I'd had enough of them. I didn't want to touch or even look at the things. I was also worried about any potential backlash of pulling things down as I've become accustomed to expecting things to get worse. (Not so much from living here, but with family) I had asked them to leave me be at various times but it wasn't taken seriously. I don't know whether they had even noticed that I was growing annoyed as they did these things.

I didn't actually ask him to, he told me he was going to talk to them about it. I did comment that maybe I should, but being upset I wasn't really feeling up to insisting on myself doing it. I intended to talk to them later about it when I was ready but turns out he had beaten me to it.

LEMon

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2010, 05:47:45 PM »
I'm very glad things worked out for you.  And I am very glad boyfriend stood up for you and spoke to them.  (And I do mean that sincerely, even if I do have a 'but' thought to add for you to think about for next time.)

But after reading your comment about 'expecting things to get worse' if you say anything, I would say you and boyfriend need to talk about how he can help YOU deal with this next time.  You need the practice being in charge of your own comfort, standing up for yourself, getting things resolved.  Think of it as practicing (with a great support behind you) to deal with all that life will throw at you in the future (when you may not have the support standing behind you).  Your comment makes me think you recognize that your past is affecting how you expect life to be now.  That expectation of 'worse' can only be dealt with by practice.

The part I regret about you not being the one to say anything is you got no apology and I firmly believe you were owed one.  They crossed major boundary lines.  That and you have no sense of what they think now.

Ms_Shell

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #28 on: November 20, 2010, 09:51:40 PM »
I'm very glad things worked out for you.  And I am very glad boyfriend stood up for you and spoke to them.  (And I do mean that sincerely, even if I do have a 'but' thought to add for you to think about for next time.)

But after reading your comment about 'expecting things to get worse' if you say anything, I would say you and boyfriend need to talk about how he can help YOU deal with this next time.  You need the practice being in charge of your own comfort, standing up for yourself, getting things resolved.  Think of it as practicing (with a great support behind you) to deal with all that life will throw at you in the future (when you may not have the support standing behind you).  Your comment makes me think you recognize that your past is affecting how you expect life to be now.  That expectation of 'worse' can only be dealt with by practice.

The part I regret about you not being the one to say anything is you got no apology and I firmly believe you were owed one.  They crossed major boundary lines.  That and you have no sense of what they think now.

This, 100%.  You are definitely owed an apology.  You are not a child and they are not your parents, as your thread title states, and IMO, they not only crossed boundary lines, they erased yours and spraypainted new ones.
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channa17

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Re: You're not my mother!!!
« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2011, 05:51:23 AM »
That is sick to the point of severe immaturity or even personality issue. Absolutely do not take it.

1.) Take that stupid paper on the fridge and tear it off. Throw it away. Crinkle it up and put it in the trash. Do the same with any subsequent paper.

2.) If she really piles on you, push her off, pick up your snack and walk away. Give that all the response it deserves, which is nothing. Just walk away.

3.) If she makes a disparaging comment, just stare at her. You can also say "Wow. Just...wow." You can also say "So kind of you to take an interest" or "Thank you for your concern" icily and walk away.

4.) If she doesn't get it - and if she thinks knocking you down is acceptable I guess she won't! - be blunt: it is not rude to say "I do not appreciate your treatment of me. My health and eating habits are my concern alone. Please do not bring up this topic again." If she persists - "This conversation is over", or simply walk away while she is mid-sentence, or you can even say "I am sorry I have to be blunt - drop it."

5.) Talk to your boyfriend and agree together on what he will say or do if they say this stuff to him. Any of the above works, as does "my girlfriend's health/finances are her concern, and I thank you for not talking to me about them".