Trying to get the guts to use it

[deenie45]

I have a friend of many years that is confined to a wheelchair and can do little or nothing for herself. I take care of her mental emotional and daily physical needs. Her mother used to take care of all her medical needs and that's about it.
    Now her mother doesn't want to take her to doctors appointments. She figures that since I don't complain about taking care of her daughter that she can completely forgo all her responsibilities. The problem is that I also have a sick husband, sick mother, four kids and five dogs. Her daughter was basically abandoned at my house when she stayed with me while her mom went on vacation. Her mom called instead of picking her up and said her boyfriend didn't want her living there with her pets. What a itchba. The only other option would have been to put her in a nursing home and my friend said she would rather die.
     I truly love my friend and don't want to create a problem but the only time I have off from taking care of my friend is when her mom takes her to the doctors. Plus I have no idea about all her medical stuff. Her mom uses guilt to get me to do it, by saying that if I won't do it then she just can't go and wants me to tell her daughter.
     I can't stand her mother and the only reason I haven't ripped into her is because it would cause my friend so much anguish. I intend to use the Sorry that's not possible phrase in the future but as weird as it sounds I need to hear I'm doing the right thing. Part of the reason is that I'm from a generation that to want to have time for yourself was considered selfish. But I haven't had so much as a dinner out since she's been here.
Thank you

[blue2000]

Talk to your friend. It is pretty obvious her mom has ditched her and isn't likely to take her back, even for an appointment. She needs to consider her options - and one of them isn't having things stay the same, because you can't do everything for everyone and still stay sane and healthy yourself. And yes, it is perfectly polite to say so!

If she does not want a nursing home, what other options are there? Does she get disability payments? Could she afford her own room somewhere and a home care nurse? Are there agencies that would provide a taxi service to her appointments so she could go by herself? (we have these things here, but I don't know about your area) I think having you come by for just a few hours a day as a helpful friend rather than a surrogate mom would be better for you and her.

Good luck. I hope you can work something out.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  I know this isn't what you asked for but hugs.

You can try to use "that won't be possible" but it might not work or you might just get it back with a trump " that would be possible." with unspoken "and she doesn't live here anymore and you can't make me, so either take her yourself or watch_____(whatever the repercussion of not going to the doctor)."

I would start looking into other options.  Talk to lawyers , accountants , churches , the county/state/city services offices , every charity you can think of.  They have sources and information that many people don't and may be able to help even with finding transportation or money you/your friend is entitled to off set the cost of a helper.


Now I think you could rip into her mother a little and have it still be polite she dumped, in a horrible dehumanizing humiliating way, her daughter on you.  I'm getting the impression it has been some time that your friend has lived with you. I think you could publicly shame her. "How's Itchy Mom ?I haven't seen Itchy Mom in a month we used to chat every week when she'd come to my house to talk her daughter to the doctors, you know her daughter has been living me since____, but she hasn't been doing that anymore. So I haven't have a chance to talk to her."

[deenie45]

she actually lived with a family for a while but they decided not to do it anymore. when she was living with them her mother came over three times a week and took her to all appointments. She also has government aid but the last three caregivers that were sent over, were worse then useless. one was a stripper who made appointments instead of doing her job. another one was a crack addict who burnt her hand on a pipe. the third slept most of the time. My friend can't live on her own although she is able minded. She has only lived her a few months but I've kind of taken care of her our whole relationship, and was happy to do it. I also got certified so she could continue to collect her benefits. it's a few hours a week and minimal pay but whatever.
    Her mom spends a lot of time with her other child and now sees her daughter about thirty minutes a week. I set boundaries with her early as she is a taker, but this is baffling me. she uses emotional blackmail on her daughter and it sickens me. Her daughter does feel like a burden which breaks my heart. She trys to argue with me when I tell her about appointments or bails at the last minute, which sends her daughter into an emotional tailspin, so I end up going to keep her calm.
     I am very lucky that my family has known my friend as long as I have and they are willing to help when I am overwhelmed. My friend doesn't have much time left on this earth and I want to make it as good as possible.
my husband is going to say something the next time it happens. She seems to be very submissive when it comes to men. I just wanted to handle it on my own. thanks so much for the feedback, feels good to get it off my chest.

[hyzenthlay]

Her daughter does feel like a burden which breaks my heart.

She is a burden, and based on the fact that her Mom doesn't want her, the other family doesn't want her, and you are tired out catering to her emotional needs I'd say she isn't doing much to not be a burden.

The only other option would have been to put her in a nursing home and my friend said she would rather die.

I have zero sympathy for this. She would be better cared for, and probably have more activities and options available at a proper care home.

That said, if you want to care for her for her last months you do it in a way that works for you. Stop talking to her mom. Your friend can communicate as she wants to, but you will be too busy.

[Danismom]

If she doesn't have much time left, would home hospice be an option?  Their services are usually so kind and gentle to their patients and their families.  Your friend is blessed to have you in her life, but being able minded, she can certainly understand that you need regular breaks too.  Ask her medical team for recommendations or the opportunity to talk with a social worker about respite care of some kind of adult day care, if only for a few hours each week. 

I doubt saying "That won't be possible" to her mother would have any effect.  Its not a battle I'd be willing to fight at this time.  While neither you nor your friend deserved how this happened, I am glad that she has someone who cares about her when she's facing her own mortality.

[deenie45]

First off my friend is not a burden to me or my family. her mother makes her feel that way. Second taking care of someone who can't take care of themselves is never a burden, it's what decent people do. My husband spent two and a half years recovering from a coma. He had to learn how to walk, talk, eat, and function.

I don't know what nursing home you're talking about but the one subsidised by the goverment sucks. I can't watch her sit in a room and rot. I take her places interact with her and most importantly help her feel like a person.

I wasn't complaining about taking care of my friend, i will do that until she dies, like i'm doing with my mother and I did with my father in law. I was complaining about what a snot her mother is and getting validation to tell her to take her responsibilities seriously and quit using others. That was all.

[deenie45]

hospice isn't an option unfortunately, but thank you so much for your kind words.

[Wordgeek]

Deepest sympathies to the OP. This is clearly a difficult situation.

It is not, however, an etiquette issue.  I urge you to consult with the appropriate professionals in real life for advice.

Best wishes.