Author Topic: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist  (Read 1452 times)

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Lisbeth

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Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« on: November 05, 2010, 12:17:12 AM »
Yes, it's me.  You know what to do.  >:D

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
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Spoder

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2010, 03:35:25 AM »
Dear MeanReader,

The receptionist in the Equity office at my university was very rude to me this afternoon. I had to go to my car and cry. Because I am overtired.  :'(

The Dean of my faculty had sent me to Equity ask for extra time in writing my exam next week. When I went to make an appointment, the staff were all joking and laughing in the corridor. The receptionist gave me a sour look because she had to go back to her desk to deal with my enquiry. Then she made me explain what I wanted to *her*, rather than letting me see an actual Equity officer.

Then she just said, 'Nup, sorry. Too late. Applications closed on Monday'.

What should I have said?

Spoder.

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2010, 10:52:32 AM »
Dear Spoder,

I would have said, "This is as far as you'll ever go, while I will soar to professional heights a mere dean's receptionist can't even conceptualize with an IQ of 1.  One day, my endowments to this school will be paying your rent."

Then I'd report her to the dean, to make sure that the next place she goes is the street.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
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a clever screenname

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2010, 11:33:23 AM »
Dear MeanReader,

I have been attempting to widen my circle of friends lately and have consequently begun seeking pen-pals, mostly by email.  I often use a version of the same letter when I first contact someone new, and am afraid I may we wording something incorrectly as I rarely get the response I seek. 

Usually I begin with happy greetings. Then I add a small summary introducing me which includes a bit of my personal history, most notably of the recent move my family made leaving our nation of origin due to sudden political changes. Since I do not wish for my new friends to assume I am asking for some kind of hand out, I reassure them that my family is not now destitute as my spouse had transferred our savings to a bank that is outside of reach of the political insurgents.  Unfortunately the bank is only temporarily outside our reach as well, so I do make a small request for some personal information from my new friend that I hope will strengthen the bonds of camaraderie.

Meanreader, I barely get responses to my emails, even though I send messages to as many people as I can. Should I promise my new friends more of a reward for their personal info, maybe include a picture of a puppy?  What do you recommend?

Signed,
Saddened people aren't trusting anymore.

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2010, 04:52:45 PM »
Dear Saddened People Aren't Trusting Anymore,

It seems to me that people are resentful that you're using the soft sell in a spam message.

Rather than use the soft sell when spamming, I think that it would be more profitable for you if you be direct and use the hard sell approach instead.  Send your E-mails from a Nigerian server and phish using a fake IRS E-mail.  People will take you much more seriously as a spammer and you may even make some cash from the more gullible of your virtual correspondents before you get shut down and have to look for honest work.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
« Last Edit: November 05, 2010, 05:03:42 PM by KeenReader »
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a clever screenname

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2010, 11:01:30 AM »
Dear MeanReader,

I have more stuff in my house then I need.  In fact, I've even reached the point where I am storing things temporarily in several boxes within separate rooms till I find a place to keep them.  Clearly I don't have enough space for all my stuff, and I can't afford a storage unit, thus logically I need to get my neighbor to give me her house.  I figured if I just broke in to start moving stuff, she would probably think I was doing so to take her stuff instead of move my stuff over,and then she'd call the police. So I still had some details to puzzle over.  Luckily I found E-Hell and read all about the neighbors that were moving fences farther from the property lines in order to get the extra space they needed. I figure this is a great way to start.  

I called my family to ask them to help me move the fence and they said no. They all kept saying it was a horrible idea for some reason.  I can't see what is so bad about it, I read about it on an etiquette board after all, so it should be fine.  Do you think sending my neighbor a "thank you for being a great neighbor" card in advance may appease my family's concerns?

Sincerely,
I need my space.


<edited to remove extra word>
« Last Edit: November 08, 2010, 11:47:07 AM by a clever screenname »

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2010, 12:48:05 PM »
Dear I Need My Space,

What was wrong was that you asked your family for help in doing a very big job-for free.  What were you planning to compensate them with?  Just "thank you" would have been totally inadequate.  Even a "thank you for being a great neighbor" card wouldn't have helped.

Had you offered them your life savings, an all-expenses-paid trip to the Virgin Islands, a screening room add-on to their house, and a grand ball at the Playboy Mansion with the Bunnies and the celebrities of their choice in attendance and an all-you-can-drink open bar, perhaps they would have gone for it.  But since you were too cheap to do that, you either need to move the fence yourself, take the risk of breaking in to your neighbor's house, or move everything to another storage facility (if you offer your family rent for space in their home, they might take you up on that once they get over their anger with you-and if you're still willing to throw them the party).

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
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Shea

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2010, 12:40:07 PM »
Dear MeanReader,
 
 I live next door to a pair of extremely obnoxious young college students. They have loud, drunken, hip-hop blasting parties until all hours on weekdays, smoke various substances on the fire escape right outside my bedroom, and have clearly decided that I am the grouchy old-lady grad student next door. In the interests of getting them to shut it, I am considering

a) blasting show tunes (perhaps Les Miserables and Jesus Christ Superstar) outside their door at 8:30 on a Saturday morning (they assume I'm still awake at 3 am on a Tuesday, why shouldn't they be up when I am on a Saturday?)

b) when they're on the fire escape, loudly complaining about how they haven't offered me any of the controlled substance they're smoking and how that's so very selfish.

and/or

c) getting a dog that I will train to howl upon hearing hip-hop.

What do you think, MeanReader? I don't want to be rude, but you've always got such good ideas.


If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, librarians are a global threat.

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2010, 03:20:01 PM »
Dear Resident,

Well, if you do either a or b, they are going to assume that you want to attend their parties and will issue you invitations-but will not stop the partying.  If you do c, I fear that they in turn will train the dog to howl upon hearing Les Miserables or Jesus Christ Superstar or perhaps teach it to dance to Amy Winehouse.

I would take the following course of action instead:  Put up flyers and go on Facebook announcing their raves as being open to the public at all times and have them overloaded with strangers to the point that they no longer have privacy, as anyone will show up at any time to continue the party.  Then scram so that the police do not pick you up during their raids.  At least this way, you won't have to worry about Pooper-Scooping a dog to the tune of Who Let The Dogs Out?

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
« Last Edit: November 10, 2010, 11:29:56 PM by KeenReader »
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JoanOfArc

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2010, 03:43:13 PM »
Dear MeanReader,
    I live with roommates who won't clean up after themselves.  I come to find dirty dishes all over and crumbs on the counter.  They leave pots full of food on the stove.  I want to remind them to clean up, but I want to remain polite too.  Also, they seem to have a couple new people living with them on a semi-regular basis.  These people sleep in the living room.  I'm at my wit's end!
Please Help,
      Roommate Woes
Chicken-keeper, welder, artist, student and lover of all things literary.

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2010, 10:12:11 PM »
Dear Roommate Woes,

You have a wonderful opportunity to make your life easier here.  Charge the living room residents a high enough rate of rent that you can afford to hire a live-in maid, chauffeur, footmen, gardeners, butler, housekeeper, nanny, and pet minders.  You might want to move to a truly high-class residence first...so make sure your rent will cover those costs of living as well.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
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Lady Snowdon

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2010, 03:58:07 PM »
Dear MeanReader,

My mom says she wants to come visit me in a couple of weeks, and asked me to look at ticket prices.  Now it seems like she wants me to pay for her ticket, and she's not even sure she's going to come!  What can I say to her?

Out of Pocket

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2010, 04:19:55 PM »
Dear Out of Pocket,

Say the following to your mother:  "Well, Mom, when you get that flying umbrella that carries you through the air and down chimneys and are ready to use it, let me know; in the meantime, I'll be getting back to my own business."

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
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2littlemonkeys

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2010, 11:09:29 AM »
Dear MeanReader,

The other day, I broke a chair at my work place.  My brother has a car with a big trunk and the seats can go down, so I called him and told him he needed to come get it and fix it for me.  He said he couldn't because he had "too much going on."  Apparently, his kid hurt herself and they had to take her to the doctor.  I told him he could stop by on the way home from the doctor but then he started making excuses about how he'd never be able to get the chair in his car without putting down the seats and he couldn't do that without taking out the car seat, which would be occupied by his kid.  Honestly, she could just ride up front on mom's lap but they won't do stuff like that, even when it's an emergency like this!

Should I just stop talking to him or keep complaining about it?

Signed,

What Do I Do Now?

Lisbeth

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Re: Revival of the Evil Advice Columnist
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2010, 12:07:39 PM »
Dear What Do I Do Now?,

No matter what you say to your brother, he will always find a reason not to be there for you.  You could tell him you were elected President and hel'll come up with every excuse to miss your inauguration. 

I'd stop talking to him and impose the cut direct.  Not being there for one's sibling in an emergency is a major thing.  At least you won't have to hear him and his wife brag about their kids or give them gifts for the holidays that they won't ever thank you for; nor will you ever have to thank them for gifts or assist them in emergencies. 

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
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