Author Topic: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...  (Read 12178 times)

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Nellop

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You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« on: November 15, 2010, 07:09:01 PM »
I am reaching the final straw with one of my workmates. Thank goodness for this site, which has given me the wonderful response 'What an interesting assumption', otherwise I might have a full blown argument with her.

BG - I have been with my fiance for less than a year, however I have known him, and been friends with him for years and years. We are both Christians who are waiting until we are married until we 'bump uglies', as the wonderful workmate puts it. This was my 'thing' and my fiance was more than understanding about it. end BG.

My workmate cannot comprehend our choices, at all. She actually seems rather offended by it.
Thus, she decided that the only reason we are getting married is to, as she kindly puts it, 'bump uglies without your parents getting cross. Why else would you get engaged so soon?'
She's not even bothered about the Christian thing - no no, it must be our parents that we risk annoying, because she is a worldly 32 and I am only 22 who is living at home until I am married.

Despite my brain screaming at me that I had no need to justify myself to this woman, I originally explained that we got engaged because we loved each other, and we were engaged so soon after we started going out because we already knew each other so well and were able to bypass the 'getting to know you' stage. Not to mention that our engagement will be over a year long.

She's getting personal now though, and she's started insinuating that my fiance must have something wrong with him if he's happy to wait until we're married. Or that he must be having an affair because 'all men do - especially those who have partneres that 'deny them.'

'What an interesting assumption has saved me so far - but she's stepping it up everyday. I'm thinking about going to the Boss, but I'm only a temp and she's a full time employee, who's been there for years. It's quite the predicament.
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

ncgal

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2010, 07:17:07 PM »
Can you just stop discussion you and your fiance's relationship with her?  How does she even know what you and your fiance have/haven't done together?   

Just tell her "thank you for your interest, but that is between me and my fiance" and STOP talking to her about it! 

Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2010, 07:24:59 PM »
Ah sorry, should have mentioned that she and I have a mutual friend who goes to a lot of the same church events as me, so alot of information has been passed from person to person.
A lot of the initial conversations happened when I had just started work. I knew she had the same friend as me, and a lot of her questions seemed innocent at the start, as we were working together and I was keen to get to know people. I did not disclose any information about what me and my fiance do or not do, but there was a 'my friend says this, do you do this then,' with me saying 'that is true', then bean dipping.
Its only within the last week that she's started to get personal.
I know that I should have been more 'I don't want to discuss that' at the start, but I'm just not one of those people who can be so blunt. I worry about offending people, and I confess standing up for myself has never been a strong point when it comes to people I don't know.
Sometimes things are easier said than done.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2010, 05:17:40 PM by Nellop »
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

bluedahlia

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2010, 07:28:28 PM »
I had a coworker like that once.  She was very sexually open and couldn't figure out why everyone else wasn't to the point of humiliating others.  She didn't get it up until the moment I handed her her Separation Notice.  If you've made it clear that you don't want to talk about it with her or anyone else in your workplace then make a final attempt and be as CLEAR as you can be.  Then type up your conversation and date it and mail it to yourself so that you can have a date cancellation on the envelope and leave it sealed.  If she respects your request to drop it then good.  If she doesn't then you have that document to back you up.  If a male coworker were speaking to you like that it would be correctly deemed sexual harrassment.  

Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2010, 07:29:45 PM »
Can you just stop discussion you and your fiance's rel@tionship with her? 

 :-\
It's not so much a discussion anymore, as her talking *at* me.

I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2010, 07:33:20 PM »
I had a coworker like that once.  She was very sexually open and couldn't figure out why everyone else wasn't to the point of humiliating others.  She didn't get it up until the moment I handed her her Separation Notice.  If you've made it clear that you don't want to talk about it with her or anyone else in your workplace then make a final attempt and be as CLEAR as you can be.  Then type up your conversation and date it and mail it to yourself so that you can have a date cancellation on the envelope and leave it sealed.  If she respects your request to drop it then good.  If she doesn't then you have that document to back you up.  If a male coworker were speaking to you like that it would be correctly deemed sexual harrassment.  

Sorry, this is just me being thick, but what's a separation notice?
I'm not an office person - just temping for a tiny bit while I wait for a teaching job :)
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

Suze

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2010, 07:40:06 PM »
Nellop -- she got fired
Reality is for people who lack Imagination

Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2010, 07:44:33 PM »
Righteo  ;D

I feel daft now - never heard it called that before.
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

Hanna

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2010, 07:44:48 PM »
The very next time she mentions anything about your relationship I would say to her,
"I have to be honest with you, your comments and questions have been making me terribly uncomfortable. I find your pre-occupation with my personal life unsettling.  I'm requesting now that you not bring this up to me again."

Document that, then If she continues, remind her "I've asked you to stop talking to me in this manner.  Your comments about my private life are extremely upsetting.  If you won't respect my request, I will be talking to my temp agency and your boss."

This is indeed sexual harassment. 

bluedahlia

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2010, 07:55:34 PM »
Yes, a Separation Notice is a termination.  She made everyone miserable -- she would grab people's body parts, invite new coworkers out to the local bondage club and once flashed someone in the middle of the office.  She didn't think it should be a big deal because "no one saw" but someone did, someone who had a VP in her title.  She was gone the next day to the relief of most of us.

boxy

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2010, 08:07:19 PM »
Quote
so alot of information has been passed from person to person.
Does this mean your mutual friend is gossiping about you?  If so, for what purpose?  That's just wrong.

I admire your willingness to wait until you're married.  You're doing it for the One who matters.

hellgirl

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2010, 08:16:40 PM »
Yes, a Separation Notice is a termination.  She made everyone miserable -- she would grab people's body parts, invite new coworkers out to the local bondage club and once flashed someone in the middle of the office.  She didn't think it should be a big deal because "no one saw" but someone did, someone who had a VP in her title.  She was gone the next day to the relief of most of us.

No-one saw? What about the person she was flashing?  ::)
How can someone not realise this is sexual harassment? If it was male-to-female it would be blatantly obvious.

The same in the OP's case. If a male coworker kept asking you about your sex life, why you're not having sex, when you're going to have sex, etc, wouldn't you see it as a clear case of harassment?
Maybe a blunt (I agree, easier said than done though) "You do realise this counts as sexual harassment? Right? I'm not sure how to be clearer. Stop talking about my sex life. It's creepy that you're so interested in it."

bluedahlia

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2010, 08:23:10 PM »
No-one saw? What about the person she was flashing?  ::)
How can someone not realise this is sexual harassment? If it was male-to-female it would be blatantly obvious.

The person she flashed was an exBF of hers.  She tried to defend herself by saying, "It's nothing he hasn't seen before!"  And there were four of us standing behind her, including the VP who busted her. 

kareng57

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2010, 08:26:30 PM »
It's indeed sexual harassment.  Next time, why not tell her that you will approach HR about this if she does not stop immediately?  Companies are becoming increasingly vigilant regarding harassment.  They have to; some big awards have been won recently.

You might not technically come under the HR umbrella if you're a temp - but she certainly would.

Shoo

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2010, 08:28:24 PM »
First of all, please read Hanna's post about 10 times and take her advice.  It's the best thing to do.

Secondly, you need to have a frank discussion with the friend who keeps discussing your personal life with your coworker.  That's got to stop.