Author Topic: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...  (Read 13567 times)

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Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2010, 09:32:35 PM »
Through all of this I never once stopped to think about our mutual friend and the fact that she was feeding my coworker information. I was so wrapped up in the coworker thing. I feel really thick now  :-\
It also didn't cross my mind that, essentially, yes, it is a type of harassment - bleh, I'm far too naive for my own good sometimes.
Was really unsure whether I was making a mountain out of a molehill, and really worried that if I spoke to someone it'd be laughed off, or seen as harmless banter that I was overreacting about.

Am going to talk to her in the morning, try to be blunt. Argh, she's so scary! I'm going to be getting cold sweats just thinking about it...
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Ms_Shell

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2010, 10:29:46 PM »
After having read the thread, I have to agree that this situation reeks of sexual harrassment.  What you and DF do or don't do is none of her business.  At all. 

Sending good thughts your way and good luck talking to HR, if that's what you decide to do.
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

Ginderette

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #17 on: November 16, 2010, 01:39:08 AM »
OP, I waited until I was married to 'bump uglies' too - you're not alone in that.  ;) I got assumptions served left and right for marrying at 21 - I was too young or other *&^$#!... ???
(Never saw the problem of nabbing Mr. Right when I met him and still together for 13+ years.  8) But for some 'worldly' people...*sigh* )

I agree with PP's what she's doing is sexual harassment and even bullying to a certain degree. Good grief, she made her decisions and lives with the consequences - she doesn't have any right attempting to force you to do the same. Part of me wonders if she's trying to soothe over some guilt by not being the only one that did that?  :-\

Just got to stand firm with her and tell her with no uncertain terms the topic's closed like Toots have told others in similar circumstances.

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Jolie_kitten

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #18 on: November 16, 2010, 03:04:51 AM »
Here's what I'd see myself doing (not sure if the best solution though):
Cw: Why aren't you *getting naughty* with your fiance?
You: Different people have different affective needs. Have you tried the bean dip?
Cw: But you totally should, or he'll cheat on you with the first blonde with big breasts will cross your path.
You: (give her a What-the-beep-beep startled look)I'm not discussing that. Really (in a "where did you get the idea I would discuss that, in the first place?) By the way, awful lot of weather we've been having lately, haven't we?
Cw: But I'm only advising you that you should blablabla...
You: (firm tone): I'm not discussing that. Sorry. Now about that beandip...
If she still refuses to let go and change the subject, I';d be very tempted to cover my ears with my hands and chant "La la la we're not discussing this", but then that would be a bit silly.
Where there is cake there is hope. And there is always cake ;)

kayesse

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #19 on: November 16, 2010, 04:35:51 AM »
I agree with the other posters about sexual harassment. As far as I was aware, sexual harassment doesnt need to happen between people of opposite sexes, it is just any unwanted comments, jokes, innuendo of a sexual nature which make you uncomfortable - which in this case it obviously is. When I was teaching, I had to make it pretty clear to students that some of their actions were sexually harassing me and other students so with good advice from other posters here, successfully handling this situation may help you in the future with a teaching job.
Your colleague may be confronted by your lifestyle choice and it may be causing her to re-assess some of her choices and maybe she is regretting a few things that have happened to her, or she has chosen to do. I'd say a lot of her comments are coming from jealousy and regret on her part. Not that its ok for her to do that.
I'm impressed you have made a commitment and are sticking to it despite what others say.  :)

Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2010, 03:44:38 PM »
Went in today absolutely exhausted and, if I'm being honest, was really not up for confronting the coworker about anything.
So I sat at my desk and proceeded to ignore her, and just got on with my work.
Soon enough the 'oh-so-fun' subject of my life came up again...
This is pretty much what happened.

Coworker - So, how's the fiance.
Me - Fine. Did you watch I'm a celebrity last night?
Coworker - It must be so hard for you two having to live so far apart.
Me - Do you think they have coloured paperclips in the stock cupboard?
CW - You never know what he's up to, he could be doing aaaaaanything. *nudge nudge* (Yes, she actually nudged my arm.)
Me - Look, I don't appreciate you talking about my private life and I'd rather you stopped, can we change the subject?
CW - Oooooh, touched a nerve have we? Yeah, I suppose no one likes to hear the horrible truth about their cheating partners.
Me - Right, enough. I really don't want my private life being discussed at work, or at all infact. I don't want to talk about it with you.
CW - (after laughing in my face) Oh, $%^ off! You're just getting tetchy because I'm telling you the truth and you don't want to hear it. I'm sorry that your rel@tionship is unstable and your fiance is probably off boffing (who uses that word) some other woman right now. I'm only trying to help you so you don't marry, have sex then find out about all his other girls. Hey 'Y' (yes, this is another coworker she's dragging into this) Don't you think that if Nellopp just had sex with her fiance already that he wouldn't be off with some other woman and they wouldn't have to worry about all this wedding crap?
Coworker 2 - What? Not sure that's any of our business what Nellopp does.
ME - (who has sat open mouthed in silence for the rant) Excuse me one moment...

So I went to the toilet and had a massive cry (I know, pathetic, but it just got all too much), and I hear  knock on the cubicle door. Turns out that coworker 2 has followed me out and is the most lovely lady in the world. I have a talk to her, tell her I've tried to stop CW talking about my private life and asked her who I should talk to. She takes me to sit me in a meeting room, disappears for a minute and comes back with the head of my department.

The head then had a meeting with the CW, and I phoned the agency that I'm with. Not sure what's going to happen, but CW#2 is my witness and she's a very popular, influential person in the office so hopefully it will all be sorted out.

Sorry for the length - will tell you what happens tomorrow!
(Thank goodness for CW#2)
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

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Hanna

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #21 on: November 16, 2010, 03:49:54 PM »
(((hugs)))

So sorry about this, but glad you have an ally.
What a wretched way to treat someone.

MrsJWine

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #22 on: November 16, 2010, 03:53:44 PM »
Wow, what a wretched woman.  At first I was thinking she was just perhaps a more bawdy type with a really thick skull, but now she just sounds malicious and/or bitter.

If it helps, OP, I have similar beliefs.  I got married at 20.  We'd only been dating 9 months when we got engaged, and we were only engaged for 8 before we got married.  We've been married for over seven years now, and he is one of the most faithful and admirable men I have ever known.

I feel sorry for your coworker, that she's only ever known men who will cheat and lie.  There are a lot of good men out there, no matter what she thinks; don't let her get to you.  I know you probably aren't taking her seriously, but with enough needling, it's hard to keep every single little doubt from creeping in.


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Utah

Xallanthia

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2010, 04:33:28 PM »
Cheers for CW #2!!  It's wonderful to have someone in your corner, and hopefully this will be all over tomorrow.

(I met my husband Oct. 2006, started dating Dec. 2006, engaged April 2007, married Nov. 2007.  When it's right, it's right.  And we waited too, for the same reason, but that was beside the point.)

Amalthea

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #24 on: November 16, 2010, 04:48:51 PM »
You have seriously impressive restraint, OP.  I'm pretty sure my Ehell training would have failed me if I were faced with someone like your coworker.  Hugs, and hopefully the result of the meeting will mean you won't have to deal with this coworker anymore.

Hushabye

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #25 on: November 16, 2010, 04:49:49 PM »
Holy crud monkeys, what a total toad of a woman!   >:(

I'm so very, very glad that CW#2 was there to hear it all, and I hope that this is the end of creepy toad woman's creepy intrusiveness into your life.

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #26 on: November 16, 2010, 04:53:55 PM »
Wow, she's not just clueless she's a jerk!  I'm glad co-worker 2 was there to stand up for you - I was afraid of how you'd come across if you complained yourself, and this is just the best possible outcome you could ask for.

Here's hoping it all ends immediately! 
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

Ms_Shell

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #27 on: November 16, 2010, 04:56:59 PM »
Wow.  Just....wow.  I've never in my life been exposed to such a boor.  It sounds like the situation is going to get resolved one way or another, though.  Good thing that CW #2 was such a big help.

((((Nellop))))  So sorry that she made you cry with her uncouth remarks. 
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

Nellop

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #28 on: November 16, 2010, 05:22:24 PM »
Thank you everyone :)

I am so grateful to the other coworker, and in a way I have to thank the coworker of doom for deciding that she would attempt to engage CW#2 in the conversation. Bad move there, very bad move.
I'm usually not a pushover, and have been known to sort out problems quickly and descisively, but that has always been with people I knew or when I was incharge of a group of people. At university I was always the one in the student house to call a meeting and point out the things that were bothering other people, I sorted out rotas, and it was me that my housemates came to if something needed sorting in the house, because they knew I'd bring up the issue. I'm not confrontational, I just know when things need doing. Same when it came to my course. I was stage manager, which meant I got things done, sorted out the actors, the costumes, the set, props - the lot.
All fine - no worries.
Then there's this woman. I'm not good with strangers, and she's just scary. She just intimidates people, and laughs in people's faces if they confront her. I genuinely believe that she thinks she has a right to talk to and treat other people how she likes.
If it had been a friend of mine I'd have told them where to go pretty quickly... but she's SCARY!
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http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: You don't live your life like mine! Here, have an assumption...
« Reply #29 on: November 16, 2010, 05:38:39 PM »
Well, you can use that skill when you discuss the situation with your friend who blabbed about you.  Intentional or not, it was a short-sighted and stupid move, frankly. 
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou