Re: I'm not your on-call taxi-driver - update page 2, reply #26

[boxy]

BG:  A few years ago we met Oz and Sharrie (names changed) and began a friendship.  Over time we realized it was very one-sided and gradually distanced ourselves from them.  A major problem was that Oz had phantom health issues and one or two times a month we’d get a dramatic phone call from Sharrie saying she was rushing Oz to the ER, always with the request one of us meet her there.  We took these requests seriously and went.  One time we left a business meeting to rush to the hospital, one time we left a dinner with friends (she later complained no one else came with us even though they didn’t know her and vice versa), one time I spent an entire day driving her to the ER in a different city where her husband had been admitted during a work trip, and on and on.  Oz was always released with a clean bill of health.       End B/G

A year passed without seeing Oz and Sharrie and one night DH just happened to ride home from work on the same bus as Oz.  They talked amicably and agreed we should meet for dinner - which we did and actually had an enjoyable evening.  However, two days later Sharrie called saying urgently, “I’m taking Oz to the ER!!!!  Can you come?”  

My DH said, "let’s go."  We drove the 30 miles to the hospital but Sharrie was no where to be found.  She wasn't answering calls or text messages but a wonderful receptionist tracked her down.  Sharrie thanked us for coming and explained her son was bored and she needed us to take him home.  There we were, the World’s Stupidest People, catering to her 15 year old son because he was bored.  I felt so used.

I want to say something about this to Sharrie, but I want to do it tactfully.  What do you E-Heller's think of this?  “Sharrie, we want to be there for you when you need us but not as taxi drivers for your bored 15 year old.  It’s not acceptable.  I noticed that he had some entertainment like an iPod or a DS so it’s not like he was just sitting doing nothing.  I feel like you abused our willingness to support you guys during this crisis and I'm really hurt."  Then I'd shut up and let her talk.  

[something.new.every.day]

At this point, I'd probably just stop answering their calls or making any plans with them.  They sound mentally disturbed. 

If you feel better saying something, go ahead, but be prepared for the fact that they won't "get it".  They'll probably try to make you feel like the bad guy for not being more understanding.  He was, after all, in the ER (not for any real emergency really, but they won't tell you that part).

[ShadesOfGrey]

I vote next time she asks you to come, you simply say No. These guys are users.

[QueenofAllThings]

Are either of you doctors or nurses? If not, why would you need to rush to the ER every time she calls? The ONLY reason for your presence would be to keep her company - and it sounds like all she wants is attention and drama.

I'd stop answeriing the phone every time she cries wolf. If it is truly serious, you'll know - she'll call back.

[boxy]

*slaps forehead* I can't believe I didn't think of this.  The simplest answer is often the best answer, ignoring them at this stage is perfect.  Thanks E-Hellers.   

[hobish]

I'm curious why they wanted you to meet them at the hospital all the time. It just seems ... odd.

I've got a friend with fibromyalgia who Gish and i are both very close to. We've driven her to the hospital before, and driven her to pick up meds when she couldn't in an emergncy; but i can't imagine driving up there every time it flared up, kwim?

[something.new.every.day]

*slaps forehead* I can't believe I didn't think of this.  The simplest answer is often the best answer, ignoring them at this stage is perfect.  Thanks E-Hellers.   

I think this is a great place to get "permission" to say no.

[RegionMom]

Sounds like they are the boy crying wolf--getting you to run to them on command.  I would say NO to the next demand. 
Unless he is in ICU...(confirmed by a.diagnosis/doctor, and not another cry wolf story.
Did they survive that whole  year of loost contact with you and not go to the ER?  You could even joke that you and DH seem to act as a hospital magnet for.them and thus should limit interactions with them.

[boxy]

I

'm curious why they wanted you to meet them at the hospital all the time. It just seems ... odd.

   Great question - one I should ask Sharrie.  DH and I have talked about this and he thinks they have no other friends and calling us is a way for them to let someone know they're in crisis.  I think it's all of that plus attention seeking.  When we first met them they were new to the area and we reached out to them because we've moved a lot we understand how hard it is at first.   

In hindsight I'm pleased that we supported them in the beginning because it really was the right thing to do.  I'm equally pleased we backed away when things became all about them.  That distance was a gift.  It was also the right thing to meet them for dinner.  However, having said that, I'm really disappointed that we ran to them when they called.  DH has a big heart though and he likes being there for people.  I actually thought (I'm laughing at myself as I write this) that this time the call she made was legitimate.  Can you believe that instead we catered to a bored 15 year old?   

RegionMom made a very valid comment - how in the world did they survive the year we didn't have contact with them?  I know during the year of no contact Oz was in the hospital at least three times with too numerous to count doctor visits scattered in between.  Their son was hospitalized once to have his tonsils taken out.  How did they manage? 

I love this:  You could even joke that you and DH seem to act as a hospital magnet for.them and thus should limit interactions with them. 

Thanks again E-Hellers.  I really appreciate your feedback.

[NOVA Lady]

It is truly bizarre that they would call and have you meet them at the hospital. I can see calling your SO or your family....but random friends?

If they call back and try to get you to go to the ER to meet them ask why they need you there and what you could do? Maybe there is some explanation, but I sure cannot think of it!

[boxy]

If they call back and try to get you to go to the ER to meet them ask why they need you there and what you could do?

  Why didn't I think of that?  There is NO question in my mind that Sharrie will call again.  I will definitely ask why she needs me there. 

There's been a lot on the news today about all the various snow storms on this high travel day and I remembered last year during such a storm we came home to a voice mail from Sharrie saying she was on her way to the ER.  Thankfully it was during the time when we were taking the intentional break from them, but still, to think someone would drive 30 miles through snow to meet at the ER?  And we're not even family?  Sheesh.

[Lynda_34]

*slaps forehead* I can't believe I didn't think of this.  The simplest answer is often the best answer, ignoring them at this stage is perfect.  Thanks E-Hellers.   

You didn't think of it because you are kind compassionate people.  After you've slapped your forehead you and your husband should give each other a pat on the back.  People lilke you can be few and far between and should be treasured.

I've not been to the ER in a long time but I'd love to go to dinner with you. 

[NOVA Lady]

As opposed to someone who did think of it not being a kind and compassionate person 

[Nora]

As opposed to someone who did think of it not being a kind and compassionate person 

No, just slightly more wellrounded. 

[Miss March]

The next time she says that she's on her way to the ER with Ozzie, I would say something like "Oh no! Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope everything will be okay. We're not able to come out this time, but we'll be keeping Ozzie in our prayers."

If pressed, I would keep repeating "We're not able to come out this time," in the same fashion as "I'm afraid that won't be possible."