Author Topic: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....  (Read 14214 times)

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gingerzing

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #75 on: Yesterday at 12:12:50 PM »
relationship -
Started dating Bob when I moved back to my old college town.  Bob and I talk about him moving in with me (and my 2 roommates who were cool about it).  Four or five months after moving in together, I was at work and one of his friends came into my store. 
Friend - And how is Bob doing?
Me - (something about his new job)
Friend - Cool, and how are the Kiddies?
Me - How did you know we had cats?
Friend - No, his kids.  How are Bob's kids?
Me - What kids?
Friend - oops

Yeah, seems Bob "forgot" to tell me that he had been married (was at least divorced at that time) AND had two kids. 
Added bonus, we had taken a road trip and I had a "Book of Questions" that I was reading that had things like""If you knew you wouldn't get caught, would you cheat on a test by copying someone else's answers?" And since he was a Bob Jr, I made the comment if we had kids together would he want me to name the boy Bob the Third?  Bob said no. 
Well, come to find out he didn't want any future sons to be named Bob the thrid since he had a son, Bobby - and daughter, Leigh - from his first marriage.   
I should have dumped him right their for the lie of ommission. 
Then there was the case of the car loan.  Bob really needed a new car since his was on its last legs.  So he got a loan for his newish used car.  But since Bob's credit was pretty crappy, he got the loan using Bobby's social security number.  When I called him on that, Bob said since Bobby was 12 that Bob would drive the car for 4 years and then give it to Bobby when he turned 16.  (I believe that may be in line with the bridge in Brooklyn for sale and some swamp land.)
Oh and when the kids would visit us at our rented townhouse, I would ask them not to shout or be too loud.  (Thin walls between units)  Bob told me that it wasn't my place to discipline them, but yet would leave them with me while he ran "errands" on weekends that he had them.
Even after those incidents (and a couple other general jerk things) some reason, I stuck with him for not quite two years. 


When I left him, a few things happened.  I found out that he was an over-achiever in the way of two-timing.  He actually had four other women on the side.  (I got tested for a full year after leaving him)
His first wife explained one day after I left him that they had divorced because of his habit of other women. I told her that I wished that she would have said something earlier.  She smiled and said that she was afraid that I would have thought it was just the ex being a harpy.  (Which I admitted to her that I might have.)
He skipped paying the rent for two months after I had left.  The sherriff came to my new residence, but I told him that Bob was alone in the townhouse and I was no longer on the contract. 
Oh, and his second wife  -whom he married 6 months after I left him  - I later found out a)had lived in our neighborhood about 2 blocks from the townhouse and was one of the four women and b) kept him on an EXTREMELY tight leash.  Timed how long it took to get home from his office, wouldn't leave him alone in any room but the bathroom, listened in on every single phone call. 

Gee, this also fits the instant Karma thread.

earthgirl

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #76 on: Yesterday at 12:55:09 PM »
I should have walked away from my ex-fiance when he told me that I wasn't "allowed" to attend any social events without him by my side.  Or that I wasn't allowed to talk to other men.  Ever.  Or when he brought home a dog, without consulting me.  Or when he told me that my full time graduate program plus internship wasn't "real" work and therefore he expected me to do all of the cooking and cleaning daily.  Or when he called me at 4 AM in the middle of finals week so that I could pick him and his boss up from a strip club ("But you wouldn't want me driving while I was drunk, would you?").

Even though those events weren't enough for me to leave, they were finally enough for me to tell him I wanted to put a pause on the wedding planning until I felt confident that I wasn't vowing myself into a lifetime of slavery and submission.

I finally did walk when I received an instant message, on the computer that we shared, from a girl who told me that he had contacted her via an internet personal ad.  He denied it when I asked him the first time but admitted it when I confronted him with the fact that she knew way more about him than she should have any other way.  His reason was that he wasn't sure he and I were going to work out (for good reason) so he felt like he was justified in searching elsewhere, even though I was still wearing his ring.

I gave him back his ring and moved out the next day.


Sirius

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #77 on: Yesterday at 12:59:44 PM »
Him:  "I hear a guy there."

Me:  "That's because it's my brother.  I also have a dad, remember?

To this one's credit, he was actually a pretty decent guy; kind of geeky and inexperienced in relationships, but then again so was I.  I walked because we were together for awhile and even talking marriage, and as soon as his mother heard about it she turned from Nice Mom into the potential MIL from the Pit.  I could handle her now, but I was only 18 at the time and she frightened me.  She kept telling me, "You've got a family!  He's all I've got!"  In retrospect, since he was the only child of a widowed mother she was hanging on with everything she had, but even despite her he made a pretty good life for himself. 

Carotte

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #78 on: Yesterday at 02:03:18 PM »
My first relationship at 15. I never had had a boyfriend or serious romantic interest (unless we count my best friend when I was 8, we held hands  :P) and had wound up at a new year party of friends of friends.
To make it short: we had nothing in common what so ever. He was 18, a smoker, and had no business with a 15 y/old.
It wasn't bad-bad, he wasn't a bad guy, mostly nice, a bit emotionally manipulative (it worked because I was so young and inexperienced).
He was a bit immature for an 18 y/old but at that age the gap was still too pronounced.
But It wasn't good either. Went on for 4 months, ended in what I thought was a "common accord", turns out he was hoping I would run straight back at him once I realized my loss.
Since I had heard from the grape vine that he had tried hitting-on an acquaintance of mine two days after the breakup that wasn't going to happen.
I was happy to be alone.
It was a good lesson to learn that young and with so little damage.

BarensMom

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #79 on: Yesterday at 03:31:01 PM »
May have mentioned this before, but I should have walked from my last gig with Evil Oil Company when the girl who job it was flat out refused to train me, even after our direct supervisor ordered her to do so, upon pain of suspension.  She took the suspension.  It turned out that she was the hiring committee's favorite for the job I got, but direct supervisor overrode them.  That was the start of 6+ years of PA behavior from everyone in the group and misery on mine.

weeblewobble

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #80 on: Yesterday at 04:49:58 PM »
- The company switched from penciled in time cards to cards stamped by a computerized check in system. OK, fine. Fair enough. But they suddenly realized how much over time their employees were working- unpaid - so they could accomplish their daily tasks. Coming in twenty minutes early and staying forty five minutes late a couple of times a week added up. So there came a new policy - NO UNAPPROVED OVER TIME.

OK, fine. The supervisors approved our over time as needed because, due to the nature of our work, there were a lot of tasks that could not wait until the next day. Still, the management thought they were paying too much over time, so we got another memo, OVER TIME IS A LAST RESORT! DO NOT USE IT UNLESS YOU REALLY NEED IT.  OK, fine. We did the work we could accomplish in a given day and not more. Our productivity plummeted.

So finally, we got called into a meeting where our supervisor very awkwardly informed us that we were expected to fulfill our tasks in the given time, not more. And we were to complete those tasks no matter what. He wasn't saying we should check out for the day, but stay on and do the work anyway. Oh no. He just wanted us to get the work done. Somehow.

So basically, four stages of operation to end up at the same basic (dishonest) system and during the transitions we were made to feel even less valued.

I should have run.

- The CEO's secretary turned in her two weeks notice in a perfectly professional fashion. The CEO lost his ever loving mind. How dare she betray him by leaving for another job! How dare she turn her back on him after all he'd done for her. (Sending her flowers - via his back up secretary - that one time  when she had a baby?) He called her new employer and demanded that they not hire his secretary or he would withdraw my employer's support of the new employer's charitable activities. (It didn't work) He cancelled the secretary's going away party. He sent out a memo announcing the following policy changes that were clearly swipes at the secretary's behavior.

1) We were not to socialize at our desks. If we were having conversations, they had to be work related. (Secretary accomplished a lot of her work while going desk to desk and she was quiet the conversationalist. Knew how to make people feel good while providing the things she needed like reports and updates. So while it might have looked like she was just gabbing, she was getting stuff done.

2) We were no longer allowed to take sick days to take care of our kids if THEY were sick. I'm not even sure that was legal. But with three kids at home, secretary's sick time was usually devoted to taking care of her kids.

3) And this was the one that really hurt -  we were no longer allowed to eat at our desks. Considering our new time constraints, it was very difficult to take a lunch break and leave our desks for a half hour AND get our work done. Most of us grabbed lunch at our desks while working. We were this was unprofessional and sloppy and the CEO didn't want to see "so much as a pack of crackers" at our desks. To me this was a double slap, as it poked at secretary AND it basically said, "You know those breaks you've been skipping to try to fulfill our demands? Well, it's gross and you're unprofessional for even trying."

I should have run.

Fortunately, a month later, the CEO stepped directly on my toes and I had enough. But I should have run earlier.
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 04:59:06 PM by weeblewobble »

weeblewobble

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #81 on: Yesterday at 05:04:11 PM »
And another employer who told me, "Well, I'm just not sure what you do all day."

His desk was literally six feet from mine.   And I was not a slouch.

Shalamar

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #82 on: Yesterday at 05:08:21 PM »
I used to be a secretary for three guys.  One day my computer crashed, and I lost a morning's worth of work, so I was understandably upset.  One of the guys, hearing about my plight, said "Well, given what you do all day, you couldn't have lost that much."   

gingerzing

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #83 on: Yesterday at 05:44:39 PM »
Work one I thought of that while I was a part of it was my Roommate that should have bolted sooner.

Without getting into the background too much, Roommate had been offered a manager position at a women's clothing store at Big City.  The District Manager (DM) who interviewed and hired Roommate told her that one of the things that this particular store needed was a complete clean sweep because there was some hugh losses and there was some evidence that most of it was employee theft.  *Small flag*

Roommate asked me to moved with her and be assistant manager since she needed someone whom she could trust.  I left my assistant manager position at a bookstore (a job that I really liked) to move to a bigger city with my roommate.  For some better opportunities and to possibly get out of retail at some point.   Okay.  We had been roommates for about 3 years and got along pretty well. 

I hated working in women's clothing.  And especially this store since it catered to teenagers and not at all my style of clothes (even when I was a teen).  Plus, the carpet was PINK.  Pepto Bismal Pink. 


Roommate and I did in fact, find that the majority of the loss of merchandise was going out the door via at least 2 full timers and 1 part timer.  They were canned.  Note that it was the majority of the loss.  We are talking at least one leather coat a week.  We still had a fairly heavy shoplifting issue by consumers.  But were we praised for bringing the loss down about 80%?  Nope.  Because Roommate's first review was before the 2nd inventory after the 3 folks got fired, she got dinged for the bad 1st inventory.  Also dinged for "losing" three employees.  *Note big inventories were done overnight and this store did them twice a year.  We had to do nightly inventory on big ticket items like leather coats and prom dresses every night as part of our closing.

I finally left after 6 months.  (oy, wish I could have left sooner.)
Roommate hired someone as a new assistant manager so I could get a new job.  After I left, the DM got really nasty with Roommate.  DM would come to the store once a month and rearrange the manager desk to suit her needs and complain that Roommate (you know the actual day-to-day manager for that store who worked at the desk) had moved stuff around.  DM started complaining about some of Roommate's clothes.  Perfectly good dresses or shoes that were a bit funky. Then DM started the campaign of implying that Roommate was g@y and that I was her live-in.  Right....even if we were - which we weren't  - we wouldn't be the other's type.  DM started leaving personal ads from the paper and circling "women seeking same."   
She finally fired Roommate on some weird trumped up charge and then demanded that Roommate sign paperwork to say that Roommate was leaving on her own free will.  After almost a year of DM's bullying and PA comments, Roommate said no.  I wish that Roommate would have sued for some kind of slander, but DM ended up losing her job about a year later.


Except to get the job after that one, I have NEVER put that store on my resume.
Oh, and Roommate did all right.  She ended up going back to school for a degree and is working in her field now.

earthgirl

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #84 on: Today at 07:49:27 AM »
Yeah, seems Bob "forgot" to tell me that he had been married (was at least divorced at that time) AND had two kids. 


I went out on two or three dates with a man who neglected to tell me that he had six children.  No mention of them whatsoever.  After those dates I felt like we didn't have anything in common and told him so, and I found out about the kids weeks later from someone who worked in the same building as he did. 

Tini

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #85 on: Today at 07:58:21 AM »
I let my mother bully me into taking a job in a hotel as a chambermaid for the summer. I should have walked out when they told me that there had been a slight change of plans and I was going to be manning the cold foods station in the kitchen (salads, starters, desserts). The place was a shambles behind the scenes and the head-chef encouraged a culture of bullying that was just miserable.

Unfortunately, I had been given the impression by my family that standing up for myself was a bad thing and that life was there to be endured, so I stayed. For about two weeks, and then I snapped. I walked in on the head-chef badmouthing me once more, and I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought of her and that I really didn't need this job that badly. The owner first tried to browbeat me into staying, saying stuff like "Well, everyone knows that interactions are just a bit rougher in gastronomy, you should have known." When I reminded him that I had not asked to be in the kitchen and had actually done him a favour, he switched to threatening me with a lawyer. I said, go for it, then you can try to explain to him how you could let me work with food without the required paperwork from the health authorities (in our country, you cannot handle food without having been tested for TB and salmonella). I wasn't a hundred percent sure about that, but I checked afterwards and was absolutely right. I walked out of there that day and took the ferry back home and told my oh-so-disappointed mother to be proud of me for once for not always letting everyone push me around and treat me like dirt. She looked surprised but actually thought about it - big win.

Took a long time before I ate in a restaurant again, though.

weeblewobble

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #86 on: Today at 08:48:17 AM »
He threatened you with a lawyer for quitting?  I do not think employment law means what he think it means.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #87 on: Today at 12:39:28 PM »
Back in graduate school, there was a posting about a position in a clinic, and if you wanted to learn more about the position, leave your name and number with X.  So I did, and about a week later, I get a call wanting to set me up for a job interview.  Wait, what?  I wanted to find out what the job entailed (posting had absolutely no job details), and MAYBE apply if I was interested.  I should have refused the interview, but I didn't.  The interview was a mess, because they kept asking how my skills meshed with what they needed, and I didn't have the guts to blurt out the truth: I have no idea, I don't even know what you do!  My feedback which was relayed to the head of my department was that I seemed very unsure how to present myself in an interview situation.  No kidding.  That never happened again.  The one time I was unsure of the details going in, I made the interviewer sell me on the job.  I didn't take it either.

relationships:  I should have cut my losses a long time before I did with my longest relationship.  A real turning point for me was when I had won a trip to Scotland, and he agreed to pick me up at the airport.  While in Scotland, I bought a collection of those little bottles of alcohol, all different and all single malt Scotches.  I thought it was the perfect gift because he did drink Scotch, and this was the cream of the Scotland distilleries.

So he picks me up, and I excitedly show him my gift.  He asked me if I had a good time.  I barely get a chance to say yes before he launches into a rant about how broke he's been for the past two weeks, and he hates being broke, and it's great I had fun because he sure didn't (because he was broke, in case I hadn't picked up on that).  As he is complaining, I watch as he opens bottle after tiny bottle of the finest Scotch on the planet and chugs it.  I should have saved my money and bought him nail polish remover, because he wasn't tasting a thing.

That was his life, drinking, getting high, in search of the perfect intoxication, and complaining that he was broke (because his money went on alcohol and drugs).  I am so much happier now with my cat!
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

gingerzing

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #88 on: Today at 01:49:01 PM »
So he picks me up, and I excitedly show him my gift.  He asked me if I had a good time.  I barely get a chance to say yes before he launches into a rant about how broke he's been for the past two weeks, and he hates being broke, and it's great I had fun because he sure didn't (because he was broke, in case I hadn't picked up on that).  As he is complaining, I watch as he opens bottle after tiny bottle of the finest Scotch on the planet and chugs it.  I should have saved my money and bought him nail polish remover, because he wasn't tasting a thing.


I don't drink most Scotch, but I am baffled at this. 
I would hope that by the third little bottle, I would grab the rest away and give him a bottle of Everclear, since he wasn't going to appreciate the good stuff.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: In Retrospect, I Should Have Walked When....
« Reply #89 on: Today at 04:07:59 PM »
So he picks me up, and I excitedly show him my gift.  He asked me if I had a good time.  I barely get a chance to say yes before he launches into a rant about how broke he's been for the past two weeks, and he hates being broke, and it's great I had fun because he sure didn't (because he was broke, in case I hadn't picked up on that).  As he is complaining, I watch as he opens bottle after tiny bottle of the finest Scotch on the planet and chugs it.  I should have saved my money and bought him nail polish remover, because he wasn't tasting a thing.


I don't drink most Scotch, but I am baffled at this. 
I would hope that by the third little bottle, I would grab the rest away and give him a bottle of Everclear, since he wasn't going to appreciate the good stuff.

I was oh, so stupid, and incredibly enabling.  In fact, way more enabling than stupid.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy