Captain Know-It-All stories

[MizB]

I think everyone has their moments when they can be like that honestly, not that some people aren't like this all the time.

My dad is like this and I've resorted to always having something to prove him wrong with. The funny thing is when I start digging for the evidence he always wants to drop the subject. I won't because I know we'll get into the same you're right, I'm wrong argument at another point and I want to be done with it for good.

[siamesecat2965]

I almost forgot about this one!  I have a friend, who is a former neighbor, but we've remained friends after I moved.  She has a habit of researching things to the nth degree, but then taking what's she's learned, and somehow twisting it to suit her beliefs.  I really have to scratch my head sometimes with the stuff that comes out of her mouth!

So at one point, she was really trying to change the way she ate, i.e. more fruits and veggies and cutting out more unhealthy choices.  we also have very different taste in food and will make fun of each others choices like 5 year olds, as in "ewwww....you had THAT for dinner?  GROSS!"  All in fun of course.

So one day we are chatting on the phone, and she mentions she just had this yummy bran muffin she had made.  I of course started in with "yuck, bran is nasty" as we always do and she said oh no, these are good, and besides bran is good for you.  It's in all fruits and vegetables!!!!!!  I said um, I think you're mistaken, while there is fiber in fruits and veggies, it isn't bran, bran is a grain....nope.  Nothing I said could convince her otherwise...and couldn't get it that there are different types of fiber, and the fiber in bran is not the same as the fiber in fruits and veggies!!!!

[geordicat]

My mother's boyfriend.  No matter what you are talking about, he knows more.  Granted, the man is smart, and knows quite a bit about a lot of things, but it's so boring to listen to HIM pontificate about whatever subject.  He'll ask you a question only to gauge your knowledge so he can start talking about what he knows.

[siamesecat2965]

My mother's boyfriend.  No matter what you are talking about, he knows more.  Granted, the man is smart, and knows quite a bit about a lot of things, but it's so boring to listen to HIM pontificate about whatever subject.  He'll ask you a question only to gauge your knowledge so he can start talking about what he knows.

People like that make my brain hurt. 

[Daffydilly]

My Dear Dad has that type of mindset and gives you a confused look or gets angry if you point out a fact or another point of view. Years ago, when the fourth Harry Potter book came out, he did his research. "Harry Potter is witchcraft and I won't have it in my house." When I asked about how the books were, he proudly told me he had never touched them.

But all the online sites he visited had more than enough informed opinions. And some of them had "quotes" I was never able to locate in the books. So I just let my dad think whatever he wanted to and took it with a grain of salt. I've read the books and made my own conclusion over them. Seriously, if you want to spout off about a book, at least try to read a bit of it.

[Suze]

People used to do that with anything about Dungeons and Dragons games too

it is ebil and nasty and the work of the debil.....

and had never read a book or touched a game module.   (just seen all the "oh my goodness this is bad" articals and movies (Mazes and Monsters anyone?)

had one woman I work with wanted me to go to a "head shrinker" (her words not mine) and get "fixed"  Oh and she prayed over me at work.....that didn't last long -- I went straight to the plant boss. (never got an appology, but at least she quit praying out loud with my name in it)

I was waiting for her to throw holy water at me (really she was just ... strange)

[missmolly]

I once had a substitute teacher that told us very enthusiastically about the history of the wars of the Roses. He put up all sorts of dates, people involved in the battle of Bosworth field, members of the York and Lancaster families, etc. It all sounded very knowledgeable. Had I not done a little of my own history work, I would have been very impressed. Except that, according to him, the wars came about because Elizabeth I died without an heir.  

I didn't bother to point out to him that the eventual victor of the wars was Henry VII, Elizabeth's grandfather. I just muttered it to one of my friends later.

[Coruscation]

I may have posted this before. Some guy at college was hitting on me and trying to impress me via complaining about the difficult exam he had coming up. The hard part was going to be the bit on menstruation. I made a remark about having a gender advantage on that subject and he looked confused, until I explained. Then he patiently explained to the dim-witted blond that menstruation was a subject involving geometric measurement and that women suffered from mensuration each month. I argued with him for a few minutes and he became more and more patronising, so I left, hoping fervently that the exam question was worded "Describe mensuration, in detail".

[LeeLee88]

I may have posted this before. Some guy at college was hitting on me and trying to impress me via complaining about the difficult exam he had coming up. The hard part was going to be the bit on menstruation. I made a remark about having a gender advantage on that subject and he looked confused, until I explained. Then he patiently explained to the dim-witted blond that menstruation was a subject involving geometric measurement and that women suffered from mensuration each month. I argued with him for a few minutes and he became more and more patronising, so I left, hoping fervently that the exam question was worded "Describe mensuration, in detail".

Stop.  Full stop, right there.  You're joking.  This is so incredible, so deliciously awesome, you just short-circuited my humor-center.  I can't laugh anymore, because you gave me so much hysterical funniness all at once, it just tripped my breaker.  I bow down to this moment, and to you for not having a stroke right at that very moment.

[whiterose]

Once, someone called from my service fraternity, which is called Alpha Phi Omega. My father starts talking to the person saying "Alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet, and Omega is the last one" (ie- showing off his knowledge). Yet he manages to copy the number down wrong, so I am not able to get a hold of the person easily. While writing numbers down wrong happens, it seems like he was more concerned with showing off how intelligent and knowledgeable he is than with making sure he got the number right.

My parents have gotten lost TWICE coming to visit me because of taking 275 instead of 75. Never mind I have told them to STAY on 75 and do NOT take 275. But why did  they take 275 instead of following 75 till they got the right exit? The 275 exit sign says "Guava" while the one that indicates 75 says "Pizza". And according to my mother (who cannot read maps and hardly ever drives out of her small city of Pigsburg), "common sense tells you that the one that says Guava is the right one if you are going to visit someone in Guava" and that "you should have told me it is the one saying Pizza". I told her to look for numbers and not worry about city names listed- not always reliable. She said "what does one see first?" referring to the city names. My uncle confirmed that the directions I gave were completely right- but the city names threw my mother off, and she kept insisting SHE was right because of what "common sense" says.

[baglady]

Except that, according to him, the wars came about because Elizabeth I died without an heir.

I think I need new contacts, because I just read that as "because Elizabeth I dyed her hair."  

Gonna bring up political stuff here, but strictly for background, so let's be good e-hellions and not turn this into a political debate:

Remember when we Americans were supposed to be mad at the French because they didn't support the war in Iraq? It went so far as people renaming a certain popular side dish "Freedom Fries."

A co-worker of Bagman's went on a mini-rant about the fact that Target was banning the Salvation Army from doing its kettle drives outside their stores. And what did you expect? "They're a French company!"

No amount of argument could convince this guy that:

1. Target's decision was to ban *all* charities from soliciting outside their stores, because shoppers disliked it.

2. Target Corp. gives generously to a variety of charities.

3. When people pronounce Target "Tar-ZHAY," it's. a. joke. As in, "I'm going to pretend that I got this at a fancy French store, when I really got it at a mass-market discount chain. I realize I'm not fooling anyone, and we're all in on the joke, but it's still fun to say." (I've also heard people call JC Penney "Jacques Penet" for the same reason. Also Sal's Boutique (Salvation Army)).

[geordicat]

I may have posted this before. Some guy at college was hitting on me and trying to impress me via complaining about the difficult exam he had coming up. The hard part was going to be the bit on menstruation. I made a remark about having a gender advantage on that subject and he looked confused, until I explained. Then he patiently explained to the dim-witted blond that menstruation was a subject involving geometric measurement and that women suffered from mensuration each month. I argued with him for a few minutes and he became more and more patronising, so I left, hoping fervently that the exam question was worded "Describe mensuration, in detail".

I do believe you win!  

[PaintingPastelPrincess]

I may have posted this before. Some guy at college was hitting on me and trying to impress me via complaining about the difficult exam he had coming up. The hard part was going to be the bit on menstruation. I made a remark about having a gender advantage on that subject and he looked confused, until I explained. Then he patiently explained to the dim-witted blond that menstruation was a subject involving geometric measurement and that women suffered from mensuration each month. I argued with him for a few minutes and he became more and more patronising, so I left, hoping fervently that the exam question was worded "Describe mensuration, in detail".

And then you proceeded to date him for many month's worth of stories to share on eHell?? 

When my siblings and I were kids, we were out shopping as a family.  We passed a chain restaurant called Black Angus, but the "g" on the sign had burnt out, so the whole family kind of starts snickering about not wanting to eat there.
Bro (~9 y/o) to Sis (~4 y/o): Why are YOU laughing, YOU don't even know what that is.
Sis: I'm laughing becuase you guys are laughing!
Dad, to Bro: Well, son, do you know what is is?
And Bro, puffing up his chest and sitting tall in his moment of superior knowledge, says, in a stage whisper: It's a lady's privates!

Dad had to pull over as he, my mom & I were laughing so hard that we were crying.

[siamesecat2965]

I may have posted this before. Some guy at college was hitting on me and trying to impress me via complaining about the difficult exam he had coming up. The hard part was going to be the bit on menstruation. I made a remark about having a gender advantage on that subject and he looked confused, until I explained. Then he patiently explained to the dim-witted blond that menstruation was a subject involving geometric measurement and that women suffered from mensuration each month. I argued with him for a few minutes and he became more and more patronising, so I left, hoping fervently that the exam question was worded "Describe mensuration, in detail".

And then you proceeded to date him for many month's worth of stories to share on eHell?? 

When my siblings and I were kids, we were out shopping as a family.  We passed a chain restaurant called Black Angus, but the "g" on the sign had burnt out, so the whole family kind of starts snickering about not wanting to eat there.
Bro (~9 y/o) to Sis (~4 y/o): Why are YOU laughing, YOU don't even know what that is.
Sis: I'm laughing becuase you guys are laughing!
Dad, to Bro: Well, son, do you know what is is?
And Bro, puffing up his chest and sitting tall in his moment of superior knowledge, says, in a stage whisper: It's a lady's privates!

Dad had to pull over as he, my mom & I were laughing so hard that we were crying.

That is PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pixel dust]

My future MIL is like this. According to her, she not only knows everything, but she's also the funniest woman on the planet! Every story from her ends with everyone around her in hysterics because of her funny (but most of the time off-kilter and a little gross) jokes. And if you disagree with her, she closes her eyes and shakes her head from side to side saying, "Nu-uh, no, no, no!" like a child. This is truly one of the only problems I have with her, for the most part she's a good woman who means well, but it really gets annoying when trying to have a conversation with her.

One time, FMIL was talking about something silly/stupid her sister did, then said, "Well, what do you expect, she's blonde!"

I turned to her and said, "Hey, hey, hey, not all blonde's are stupid, I'm blonde!" (A darker blonde, but still blonde. Her sister is actually a dyed blonde, whereas I am a natural blonde.)

FMIL then said that I wasn't in fact blonde, but my hair was reddish in color!

A little bit of background: I temporarily dyed my hair a brownish-red three years ago, it lasted, all in all, about 6 months but the red quickly faded from it and was basically just a brown. Fiance and I have been together for a total of 6 years at the time of this conversation.

I tried to tell her that I was in fact blonde and had been blonde for my entire 25 years of existence (minus 6 months three years ago), but for some reason she refused to believe it! Fiance finally just stopped me by saying his mother is color-blind (which I don't think is true), but I'm still mystified as to why she refused to believe me when I tried to tell her what color my hair is!