Author Topic: Captain Know-It-All stories  (Read 157070 times)

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kherbert05

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #720 on: February 14, 2013, 07:04:22 PM »
My Dad expected me to be a know it all about all movies and TV shows ever produced. He would constantly ask me about "That actor" (pointing to tv) who was in some other movie with "that actress (pointing to her)


Then came the internet and IMDB. He was amazed that someone had put all that together and it didn't cost anything to use. You know how some parents make people watch/listen to their kids play the piano/dance/put on a play? Dad would get guest to name a movie - have me pull it up and show them the cast list and trivia. Then show the movies the leads had been in. Actually most of his friends were impressed. To them the internet was just for professional scrabble pictures and they wanted nothing to do with it.


I never did get them to understand that MP3 players were not just for pirated material. (Dad died in 1998, Mom in 2004)
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scotcat60

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #721 on: February 15, 2013, 06:00:10 AM »
Quote from: Shea on December 03, 2010, 02:38:05 PM
I tend to forget just how bad my vision is because my glasses are practically part of my face. The first thing I do in the morning, before I'm even properly awake is to put them on, virtually never take them off during the day, and I take them off the second before I turn out the light to go to sleep. On the rare occasions that I actually take them off and look around, I'm shocked at how little I can see. Does anyone else do that?
Yup. I'm very careful where I put my glasses because I need my glasses to find my glasses. If I took them off, I might forget where I put them, and the odds of me finding them again without glasses (or an able-sighted assistant) is almost null. It took me 30 minutes to find them the last time they fell off the nightstand and bounced under my bed.

You and me both. I blame the fashion for light metal frames. When I had huge coloured plastic ones, I could find them when I laid them down. I have also mixed up my reading glasses with my sight glasses, put the latter on over my contact lenses, and wondered why I can't see a thing.

mbbored

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #722 on: February 15, 2013, 11:52:01 AM »
I got another one!

I was talking with a group of colleagues the other day, including a woman who is due any minute now. I asked her how she felt and she said something to the effect of "40 weeks is pretty uncomfortable!" A guy in the group, CKIA, immediately chimed in "40 weeks?!? You're 4 weeks over due?" Pregnant friend laughed and said that 40 weeks is the usual length of a pregnancy. CKIA proceeded to argue with her and the 2 other mothers standing there that pregnancy was only 36 weeks, their obstetricians must be lying to them.

Somebody googled it and showed the results to CKIA on their smartphone and he responds that somebody must have faked the data on the internet to cover up an affair. I walked away at that point because clearly 3 women, their obstetricians and the internet must all be wrong or lying adulterers.

By the way, CKIA is single and is always looking to be set up. Anybody want a date with an expert on women's reproductive systems and marriages?

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #723 on: February 15, 2013, 12:00:12 PM »
I got another one!

I was talking with a group of colleagues the other day, including a woman who is due any minute now. I asked her how she felt and she said something to the effect of "40 weeks is pretty uncomfortable!" A guy in the group, CKIA, immediately chimed in "40 weeks?!? You're 4 weeks over due?" Pregnant friend laughed and said that 40 weeks is the usual length of a pregnancy. CKIA proceeded to argue with her and the 2 other mothers standing there that pregnancy was only 36 weeks, their obstetricians must be lying to them.

Somebody googled it and showed the results to CKIA on their smartphone and he responds that somebody must have faked the data on the internet to cover up an affair. I walked away at that point because clearly 3 women, their obstetricians and the internet must all be wrong or lying adulterers.

By the way, CKIA is single and is always looking to be set up. Anybody want a date with an expert on women's reproductive systems and marriages?

He might just be an expert in women's reproduction, really.  After all, he has eyewitness accounts of his own gastro-intestinal/waste-discharge system, from the inside no less.
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Lorelei_Evil

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #724 on: February 15, 2013, 12:08:09 PM »
A clear case study in rectal cranial inversion disorder, yes.

 >:D

Shalamar

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #725 on: February 15, 2013, 02:46:56 PM »
Heee.  Nicely put.

Speaking of pregnancies, I remember when my then-supervisor was pregnant and was at work for her last day before her six-month maternity leave started.  This lady was - how shall I put it? - quite "particular" about how things are phrased.  (I'm a bit of a spelling and grammar monster myself, but she left me in the dust.)

I went up to her to say goodbye and said "Well, I guess I won't be seeing you for six months."

Without hesitation, she snapped "It's not six months, it's TWENTY-SIX WEEKS."

I said "My mistake" and walked away - then I halted in my tracks and said "Hey, waitaminute ..."

*new*mommyagain36

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #726 on: February 15, 2013, 02:52:45 PM »
I have a cousin who was convinced she was diabetic.  For many moons she would tell me about how she "felt" she was diabetic yet she would never see her doctor to be diagnosed.  One day she called me and in the most triumphant voice she announced that she now finally had proof she was a diabetic because her neighbor checked her blood glucose and told her it was low.
" My blood sugar was 67.  That's too low.  I'm a diabetic."
She then went on to tell me that there are 2 types of diabetes "low and high."

Now, I am not an endocrinologist but I have worked in health care for 21 years now.  I tried to gently explain about Type 1 and Type 2; insulin dependent and non-insulin dependent as well as hypo- and hyper- glycemia but to no avail.  She was having none of that.  Ever since that fateful day when her neighbor diagnosed her as a diabetic because her BG was 67 she tells EVERYONE she is a "low diabetic"
"Oh people can come up with statistics to prove anything.  14% of people know that" - Homer Simpson

jedikaiti

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #727 on: February 15, 2013, 03:25:53 PM »
I got another one!

I was talking with a group of colleagues the other day, including a woman who is due any minute now. I asked her how she felt and she said something to the effect of "40 weeks is pretty uncomfortable!" A guy in the group, CKIA, immediately chimed in "40 weeks?!? You're 4 weeks over due?" Pregnant friend laughed and said that 40 weeks is the usual length of a pregnancy. CKIA proceeded to argue with her and the 2 other mothers standing there that pregnancy was only 36 weeks, their obstetricians must be lying to them.

Somebody googled it and showed the results to CKIA on their smartphone and he responds that somebody must have faked the data on the internet to cover up an affair. I walked away at that point because clearly 3 women, their obstetricians and the internet must all be wrong or lying adulterers.

By the way, CKIA is single and is always looking to be set up. Anybody want a date with an expert on women's reproductive systems and marriages?

He might just be an expert in women's reproduction, really.  After all, he has eyewitness accounts of his own gastro-intestinal/waste-discharge system, from the inside no less.

Oh wow, you just won the Internet for the Best Phrasing on that one. Mind if I make a note of it for future reference?
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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Cami

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #728 on: February 15, 2013, 04:01:03 PM »
The guy who knows all about women's reproduction reminds me of two CKIA I encountered when I was pregnant, both at work.

1. My boss who had the double distinction of being both a CKIA and Captain Inappropriate Conversationalist. He pulls me into his office and says, "I notice you are going to the bathroom quite a bit now that you are pregnant and I want to help." Cue my jaw dropping. I say, "I'm not having this conversation." He then says, "If the problem is constipation, then there are proven ways to handle that." I blink and say, "Yeah, we're done."  I get up and move to the door. He moves in front of me and says, "No, seriously. Use popcorn. Popcorn is nature's perfect little backhoe! It gets into your intestines and just pushes the 'stuff' out, makes you all nice and clean." I'm truly agog. He then continues, "I KNOW what I'm talking about." At which point, I snap to it and say, "Why, because popcorn has helped you through your pregnancies?"

2. My assistant -- who was a college student. Oy, what a KIA she was. One day, out of nowhere, she proceeded to lecture me about the evils of modern medicine and how if I had my baby in a hospital with an OB, I was "certainly" endangering my baby's health and I would be lucky to get out of it alive myself. I told her to take her so-called knowledge to someone who'd appreciate it.   Shockingly,  I chose not to renew her assistantship when it came due a few weeks later. Ffwd about ten years and I encounter her and dh in a restaurant and she comes up and apologizes to me. She'd just had her own baby a few months before and had a full hospital birth complete with pain killers and she expressed her chagrin at daring to tell me how to have my own baby.

MrTango

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #729 on: February 15, 2013, 04:09:03 PM »
"It's not six months, it's TWENTY-SIX WEEKS."

When I worked as a disability claims adjuster, I actually had to explain that concept to people.  Twenty six weeks of benefits is approximately six months, but it isn't exactly the same.  When it comes to insurance benefits, we had to be exact.

For example, starting January 1 and going for 26 weeks means puts one through July 1 (in a non-leap-year), which is 6 months plus one day.  Starting on July 1, however, only puts one through December 29.

bansidhe

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #730 on: February 15, 2013, 04:21:00 PM »
He moves in front of me and says, "No, seriously. Use popcorn. Popcorn is nature's perfect little backhoe! It gets into your intestines and just pushes the 'stuff' out, makes you all nice and clean."

Ahahahaha! How I wish I hadn't had a mouthful of diet Dr. Pepper when I was reading that.

What a tool!
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twiggy

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #731 on: February 15, 2013, 04:43:07 PM »
My "favorite" CKIA is married to DH's cousin. He is less than a year away from graduating with an English Degree and Teaching Certificate, secondary education. He is the Supreme Knower of All Things pertaining to that University. Including the engineering department, and computer science requirements. Except DH actually graduated from that same university last Spring with a Computer Science degree earned through the engineering dept. Obviously CKIA knows more about the required classes and teachers than DH would. ::) Also, DH's Uncle is going back to school for his Masters, attending a satellite campus of the same University. CKIA has never stepped foot on the other campus, but is an expect on Uncle's program as well. He also keeps trying to map out my education path. While I am also going into education, I plan to study early childhood education, pre-k through 3rd grade. So it will be through the same college, but with different classes than he is taking.

CKIA also has extensive knowledge of the traditions and culture of various Native American groups. I am a member of one of those tribes, and actually grew up participating in the culture, and spending most of my summers and school breaks on the reservation. My mom is the first generation in her family not to live on the reservation, and my Grandmother didn't learn English until she was 6/7 and sent away to a boarding school. I was also part of many Native American groups, clubs and I worked at the Herd Museum (Native American) in Phoenix as a tour guide for about 5 years, through Jr./Sr. High. Also, I knew and had friends from several different tribes, and had spent time on other reservations as well. CKIA knew more about the various tribes and their customs than I would. The best was when he tried to explain to me the coming of age rituals of my own tribe. It got pretty elaborate and I could see where the original kernel of truth had gotten twisted. But when I tried to explain Common Misconception that got elaborated upon, I was shut down by CKIA. After all, most Natives keep their ceremonies private and CKIA only knows the 'truth' because he was told by the Elders of the Tribe. I finally said something to the effect of never having seen that ritual preformed, my own coming of age being significantly different, and expressing confusion as to why my Uncles would lie to me. (It also came out that I am secretly polytheistic, but my Uncles won't admit it to me, and my tribe secretly believes in many Gods. In actuality the beings CKIA was talking about are more in line with the idea of Catholic Saints. But, what would I know?)
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

PeterM

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #732 on: February 15, 2013, 05:02:04 PM »
Somebody googled it and showed the results to CKIA on their smartphone and he responds that somebody must have faked the data on the internet to cover up an affair. I walked away at that point because clearly 3 women, their obstetricians and the internet must all be wrong or lying adulterers.

In cases like this I honestly believe that saying "You're an idiot" stops being rude and becomes a simple statement of fact. It's still not a good idea to say it, for a variety of reasons, but fear of being rude to the idiot ceases to be much of a motivator to me.

Shalamar

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #733 on: February 15, 2013, 05:21:25 PM »
I remember when I was pregnant with Daughter #2, and my unmarried, childless sister-in-law informed me that I was putting on far too much weight.  Stung, I said "I'm due in a few weeks, and I've only put on about twenty-five pounds.  That's not that much for a pregnant woman."  She scoffed "Who do you think you're fooling?  Babies only weigh about eight pounds, you know.  Nice try."

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Reply #734 on: February 15, 2013, 05:24:08 PM »
My oldest son was trying to tell me what tyranny is only he seemed to be under the impression it was a good thing where someone overthrew a head of government that was corrupt so as to help the people.  I kept telling him he was wrong, that is not the definition of tyranny and he needs to be paying closer attention in social studies.

I even pulled up a definition of tyranny on my phone.  "But that's WRONG, I know it is, I pay attention."  ::)
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