Captain Know-It-All stories

[girlysprite]

When it comes to 'how does science work' and how to deflect heaping hunk of hooey, I recommend the book 'Bad Science'. It's one of the best books I ever read, and helps people to see what is real science and what's heaping hunk of hooey with a science-y wrapper around it.

As for Captain known it all: My DH ran into one when he was on high school - His English teacher. English is not the native language where we come from (Netherlands), but my DH had been playing point&click adventures on the computer since he was six, in English (there games weren't published in Dutch). He started translating word by word with a dictionary, but got really good at English at the age of 13. Now at the age of 15 he was required to reach English literature. My DH picked the lord of the rings trilogy, and had no trouble reading it.
He got an F, because his teacher REFUSED to believe that he read it on his own. She believed that he had just ripped a summary from the library and was pretending that he had read this. My DH could never change his mind. And mind you, his teacher must have known he was good at English because he was pretty much a straight A student in the subject.


But my DH is also boneheaded at some times. He once claimed that the square of any number what the same as number x 2. No no, not number x number, but number x 2. Even when I made him calculate some examples to prove him wrong, he just shifted to 'well, it works for MOST numbers!'. I just told him 'look, I am better at math then you are, you know that. Can't you just take my word for it?' After a lot of bickering I gave him the silent treatment. It took him a long while to say 'well yeah, you're probably right'.
He also has this irritating tendency of, when a discussion starts to turn against his opinion, he shuts it down with 'never mind' and refuses to talk about it again. Once in my life, when he had been grating on my nerves for days with that kind of behavior, I cast myself in ehell and slapped him. While I have been baking in the 9th layer of ehell for that, it was a wakeup call for him.

Nowadays, when he has these moment again I just lock myself in the bathroom so that I won't be tempted to engage him. It helps.

[Cellardoor14]

Except that, according to him, the wars came about because Elizabeth I died without an heir.

3. When people pronounce Target "Tar-ZHAY," it's. a. joke. As in, "I'm going to pretend that I got this at a fancy French store, when I really got it at a mass-market discount chain. I realize I'm not fooling anyone, and we're all in on the joke, but it's still fun to say." (I've also heard people call JC Penney "Jacques Penet" for the same reason. Also Sal's Boutique (Salvation Army)).

 

My mom and I both call it "Tar-zhay", then pause a beat, and say very seriously, "It's french, you know." 

[Cellardoor14]

She also fancies herself a medical expert though she has no training or even higher education in the matter, Mr Cellardoor and I like to say she got her PHD from the esteemed institutions of ER re-runs, and the You (a general women's magazine in South Africa.)

Argh. I hate it when YOU (the magazine) run any kind of "medical" or "scientific" article. Odds are they're going to get something wrong. <bangs head against wall>

I know... it drives Mr Cellardoor insane as well. 

It also doesn't help that my MIL also believes every forwarded gurge email, general spam posting on facebook, and friend's story from that starts with "I once a friend who...."

[Luci]

That reminds me of someone who claimed to be an expert in child education and learning difficulties who ran afoul of my mum when I was about 6. ChildExpert told my mum that she was treating a five year oldchild who had difficulty reading apparently because the child hadn't crawled enough when she was a baby. ChildExpert had the child crawl around the table at home repeatedly and apparently this helped her reading skills  . My mum piped up that I had never crawled as a child, just sort of gone from sitting to walking in a very short period.

I was told that theory in an education course I took during the 60's. I didn't pay any attention to it as I was in secondary ed and wan't going for a reading resource. I'm surprised she didn't say, "See! There's the exception that proves the rule!", whatever that means.

[deadbody]

My favorite know-it-alls are the ones who try to tell me that my learning disabilities are due to red food coloring or sugar.  Because sugar makes me reverse letters and numbers and red food dye is responsible for bad handwriting.  When I ask for sources, I get referred to sketchy websites.  When I try to explain about genetics (two uncles and one aunt possibly have LDs), I am ignored.  I now know to bean-dip. 

That reminds me of someone who claimed to be an expert in child education and learning difficulties who ran afoul of my mum when I was about 6. ChildExpert told my mum that she was treating a five year oldchild who had difficulty reading apparently because the child hadn't crawled enough when she was a baby. ChildExpert had the child crawl around the table at home repeatedly and apparently this helped her reading skills  . My mum piped up that I had never crawled as a child, just sort of gone from sitting to walking in a very short period.

Aha! ChildExpert leapt onto this and said "Oh, she must be a terrible reader then!". My mum politely pointed out that actually I had the highest reading age of all the children in my class and was reading several years above my actual age. ChildExpert was rather put out by that, and insisted I must have some reading problems that my mum was unaware of.

I should mention I was sitting between the two of them during this conversation, merrily reading a Hardy Boys book with no obvious trouble.

Your mother had no idea that you climbed out of your crib at night and crawled all over the place.  Obviously she was not paying close enough attention to see how much you crawled

[Hillia]

My former sister in law insisted that chocolate gave dogs worms.  When I asked her how chocolate could spontaneously generate life, she got very angry and refused to talk to me for the rest of the weekend.  Win!

My DS has a friend who is a serious believer in conspiracy theories.  Beyonce talks about an alter ego that (Sasha Fierce) she assumes during performances. this means she is possessed by a demon.  DS and I have used the ASL 'I love you' sign for years when we say goodbye; she insists that ASL was invented by Helen Keller, who was a member of the Illuminati, and the sign is actually a recognition sign for high ranking Satanists (or something, I got lost around this point).  I pointed out that while Helen Keller did use a finger alphabet to communicate with Annie Sullivan and her later companions, she was completely blind, and therefore a visual language like ASL wouldn't have been much use to her.  She refused to believe that HK was blind.

Oh, and Michael Jackson was murdered by the Illuminati because he was going to reveal them in his next concert tour.

[rose red]

My former sister in law insisted that chocolate gave dogs worms.  When I asked her how chocolate could spontaneously generate life, she got very angry and refused to talk to me for the rest of the weekend.  Win!

I once went to a wedding where they gave out chocolate as favors.  It was so pretty that I kept it in a little dish.  One day, I picked it up and there were a bunch of little worms(?) underneath  .  A coworker don't eat chocolate but kept gifts on her desk.  One day another coworker asked for one and when it was unwrapped, worms had sprouted.  She no longer keeps chocolate.

Those chocolates were old though and I don't think fresh chocolate can grow worms in a dog's stomach.

[DangerMouth]

My former sister in law insisted that chocolate gave dogs worms.  When I asked her how chocolate could spontaneously generate life, she got very angry and refused to talk to me for the rest of the weekend.  Win!

I once went to a wedding where they gave out chocolate as favors.  It was so pretty that I kept it in a little dish.  One day, I picked it up and there were a bunch of little worms(?) underneath  .  A coworker don't eat chocolate but kept gifts on her desk.  One day another coworker asked for one and when it was unwrapped, worms had sprouted.  She no longer keeps chocolate.

Those chocolates were old though and I don't think fresh chocolate can grow worms in a dog's stomach.

Probably larva from a flying insect.

[rose red]

Probably larva from a flying insect.

I don't know much about that stuff so couldn't figure out if the worms came or grew.  I thought tightly wrapped candy would be ok and didn't think bugs would be able to get in.  I guess when there's a will, there's a way  .

[Spoder]

My former sister in law insisted that chocolate gave dogs worms.  When I asked her how chocolate could spontaneously generate life, she got very angry and refused to talk to me for the rest of the weekend.  Win!

CRUD MONKEYS!! I'll have to check that my SIL definitely hasn't been married before! She informed me a couple of weeks ago that Bro got sick because he ate all the cooking chocolate she bought for nephew's birthday cake. Apparently, eating cooking chocolate straight from the packet, in any quantity, will make you sick. This is because it's raw and needs to be cooked before consumption, hence the name.

 

[mbbored]

A sub-category is people who know you better than you know yourself. 

I'm in a group where by coincidence, we all own houses.  Several of us, including me, just bought our first homes and several are renovating, so we end up talking houses a lot.  This one charming woman has decided that since she's "older" (by 2 years,) she has infinite advice for me.  Every time I mention changing something, like painting walls or upgrading my hot water heater, she tells me I'm going to lower my resale value.  And no, I'm not painting things neon pink.  Even if I was, it's my house and that's kind of the point of having my own place! 

Another one was a former coworker who got a stereotype of me as a crazy environmentalist and decided I was hiding my true self.  She would quiz me on things, then when I gave my answer, she would shout "You're lying!"  For example, she asked me what kind of car I would buy if mine broke down today.  I said I'd do some research about used vs new, mileage, maintenance etc.  She yelled "You're lying!  You would buy an electric car!"  Um, ok.  Or a group would be discussing our love of junk food, and she would look at me alone and say "You're lying!  You would never put those chemicals in your body!"  Just me, nobody else.

[CakeBeret]

On the other end of the spectrum . . . when you're the one that's right and nobody believes you. How far do you go to convince them? Or do you just let it drop?

This is what really gets me.

My in-laws think I'm nuts. They love me, but they still think I'm crazy. So when we bought our house, the living room had parquet flooring. I mentioned the parquet floors and MIL said, "Parkay? That's butter, not flooring, honey." I had MIL, FIL, SIL, and DH all laughing at how idiotic I was to think that there was such a thing as parquet flooring.

Over a year later, the ILs were shopping for new flooring for their home. The next time I saw them, my very abashed MIL told me, "The salesman showed us parquet flooring...I guess it really does exist." Oh, sweet justice, even if it was a year late in coming.

[NutMeg]

My SO. He seems to think that every strategy he has ever used for himself will work for me. For example, he gets too hot while he is sleeping at night, and he uses a strategy he calls "venting a foot". This is fairly obvious, he sticks his foot out from under the covers. When we are snuggling, he tends to get too hot and thinks that I must be the cause, and should therefor vent a foot. He ignores all of the evidence that I have awful circulation, and this strategy just makes my foot REALLY cold. Also, I'm not too hot in the first place, it's just that I'm warmer than the air around me which prevents him from loosing as much heat as he would if he was lying by himself. This leads to the following conversation quite a bit:

SO: You're too hot. Vent a toe.
Me: I'm not too hot, you're too hot. You vent a toe.
SO: NutMeg, trust me. You're overheating. You need to vent your foot.
Me: SO, do you know how infuriating it is to have someone else try to tell you what your own body is feeling? Repeat after me. I. AM. NOT. HOT.
SO: NutMeg, we have this argument a lot. See? You're sweating.
Me: SO, I'm going to kill you soon. The only sweat is where we're touching, the rest of me is fine. Oddly enough, there is sweat all over your body. Now go away and leave me alone. I'm not snuggling with you anymore.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

On the other end of the spectrum . . . when you're the one that's right and nobody believes you. How far do you go to convince them? Or do you just let it drop?

This is what really gets me.

My in-laws think I'm nuts. They love me, but they still think I'm crazy. So when we bought our house, the living room had parquet flooring. I mentioned the parquet floors and MIL said, "Parkay? That's butter, not flooring, honey." I had MIL, FIL, SIL, and DH all laughing at how idiotic I was to think that there was such a thing as parquet flooring.

Over a year later, the ILs were shopping for new flooring for their home. The next time I saw them, my very abashed MIL told me, "The salesman showed us parquet flooring...I guess it really does exist." Oh, sweet justice, even if it was a year late in coming.

And you didn't have a heart to heart with DH?

Emma

[Shopaholic]

My dad. Thinks his PhD also gives him an MD and a VMD (is that the correct term for a vet's degree?)

For instance, he insists to this day that our deceased dog had diabetes because my grandma used to feed her chocolate treats (this one I just might give him).
We always keep Irish Setters or part Irish Setters. These dogs tend to have eye infections. My dad has been treating our dogs and their offspring with now discontinued human antibiotic ointment for 30 years (to be fair, he also uses it on himself - but from a different tube ) One time this treatment culminated with my dad and uncle taking a vespa with five puppies in a sack to the vet on a holiday evening (dad driving, uncle holding puppy sack) All puppies were OK.

When I was 15 I had a tonsil abcess which got me hospitalized for 3 days. Since then I've been very wary of pain in that area. One time when my parents were abroad, I had an infection and the pain would not abate so my aunt took me to the ER. My dad couldn't catch me on ICQ, so he called and from Alaska(!!) came up with the diagnosis: "maybe it's a tumor?".
Since then that has been my reply to him every time he complains of pain.