Captain Know-It-All stories

[Nora]

When I was 15 I had a tonsil abcess which got me hospitalized for 3 days. Since then I've been very wary of pain in that area. One time when my parents were abroad, I had an infection and the pain would not abate so my aunt took me to the ER. My dad couldn't catch me on ICQ, so he called and from Alaska(!!) came up with the diagnosis: "maybe it's a tumor?".
Since then that has been my reply to him every time he complains of pain.

The bolded made me laugh so hard I snorted milk!

"Maybe it's a tumor?" Honestly, who does that? 

[siamesecat2965]

When I was 15 I had a tonsil abcess which got me hospitalized for 3 days. Since then I've been very wary of pain in that area. One time when my parents were abroad, I had an infection and the pain would not abate so my aunt took me to the ER. My dad couldn't catch me on ICQ, so he called and from Alaska(!!) came up with the diagnosis: "maybe it's a tumor?".
Since then that has been my reply to him every time he complains of pain.

The bolded made me laugh so hard I snorted milk!

"Maybe it's a tumor?" Honestly, who does that? 

This reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding where her father's cure-all for anything and everything was Windex!

[Jess13]

VMD (is that the correct term for a vet's degree?)

DVM actually (Doctor of Veterinary Medicine is the proper title of a fully trained Veterinarian)

[phred246]

At the risk of becoming a CKIA, I will state that there is one school that does confer a VMD degree, so our vet referred to himself as a "Very Mad Doctor".

[Karmelita]

I may have posted this before. Some guy at college was hitting on me and trying to impress me via complaining about the difficult exam he had coming up. The hard part was going to be the bit on menstruation. I made a remark about having a gender advantage on that subject and he looked confused, until I explained. Then he patiently explained to the dim-witted blond that menstruation was a subject involving geometric measurement and that women suffered from mensuration each month. I argued with him for a few minutes and he became more and more patronising, so I left, hoping fervently that the exam question was worded "Describe mensuration, in detail".

To be fair, he makes a point...though not quite correctly. Menstruation is about physics, aerodynamics and geometry. As is "How much force will it take for me the throw this man through that wall and leave his femurs bent into obtuse angles?"

Then topography enters the subject, as in "What's the shortest distance between me and the nearest pint of Ben and Jerry's?"

Auntie, you just MADE MY DAY.  It was good to laugh after having an abysmal weekend/morning....and luckily I wasn't drinking my coffee at the time

My know-it-all story is about a guy I dated briefly.  He was...special.  You know, the best at everything he did, no one else knew what they were talking about, etc.  He was highly critical and patronizing of everyone around him, including me.  He really thought he was superior to everyone else in every way.  Always used to tell me what a great catch he was and how everyone I knew must tell me how lucky I was all the time.  In reality, he was nothing extraordinary. 

A small example....we were having a conversation and at one point I responded to a statement (don't remember the topic) with "Oh, it's just ignorance, I suppose."  It was meant in the sense of "they are unaware of that particular thing."  He got really snotty and condescending: "I don't think that's what you meant to say.  YOU don't know what that word [ignorance] means."  I said that I do, in fact, know what it means and asked for clarification.  He said "ignorant" means "people who don't act right."  It was obvious that he thought the slang usage was the only correct definition.  We argued back and forth for several minutes about this.  Normally I wouldn't care, but he was so infuriating when he acted that superior (which was almost always, but I digress...)

Dictionary.com is my friend.  He then got really angry at me and yelled that I was SO RUDE for correcting him!  In hindsight, maybe I should have just yelled "Inconceivable!" at him until he piped down

[Elfmama]

This guy is a self-proclaimed survivor type thinker.  He got onto a discussion of if the nearby military base, and asked all of us what would happen if a mutagen escaped the Base and entered town and made us into Zombies.

He's a conspiracy theorist. You can't reason with them at all, because whatever facts you have Are Wrong and The Government is Surpressing The Truth.   Even if you're correcting their knowledge on something you'd consider trivial, such as telling them that potatoes originated in the Andes, not Ireland, well, That's What They Want You to Think!  Yes, I have worked with more than a few.

And for conspiracy theorists, the complete lack of evidence to back up their woo-woo theories is PROOF of how well the government has covered up the fact that all US presidents since JFK have been space aliens.  ("It must be true," my grandmother said.  "I read it in the Weekly World News, and the government wouldn't let them print it if it wasn't true."  OK, granny, whatever.)

I had to haul out the medical encyclopedia with DH one day.  He was insisting men have one less rib than women, which was proof of his own religious belief.  "See the page labeled 'male skeleton' here?  See that all the ribs are paired?  Where is the missing one?"  He then tried to argue that maybe it was one pair less, so I made him count the ribs on the male skeleton and the female skeleton.  I'm fairly certain that it didn't change his views on evolution vs. religion (he tried to argue "But that's just a picture!"), but it did make him much more cautious about disseminating his dogma as 'truth'.

[Shea]

Ah, I see many of you have met my former roommate. She knew EVERYTHING. I mentioned the Language Debate, but it's worth repeating here. As background, I have bachelor's degrees in French and Spanish language, but wasn't raised speaking either, so I learned both from nothing. Roommate at that time was working towards a bachelor's in biochemistry (and she was quite smart, just not about EVERYTHING) and had taken a grand total of one year of Spanish in college, and no French at all. We once had a conversation that went pretty much like this.

Me: I found French easier to learn really. Spanish and all its darn tenses!
Captain Know-It-All: No, Spanish is easier.
Me: Oh, I know some people think Spanish is easier, but for me French was.
Captain KIA: No. SPANISH is easier.
Me: ...Compared to what? You've never studied any other language.
Captain KIA: Spanish is just easier.
Me:   Okay. ::walks away::

Then there was the time that she insisted that "mountain lions" and "cougars" were two species separate and apart. When I pointed out that they're just two different names for the same animal (having grown up in an area where those critters are still a definite part of the ecosystem, I know a bit about them. Mostly how to avoid them, because they are scary ), she informed me that SHE studied BIOLOGY therefore she KNEW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT. Righty-o, then.

That's not even going into how she used to glare at me and make PA comments whenever I ate meat in her presence. Because she was a vegetarian, therefore she should not be exposed to me eating my pork chop at our shared dining room table.

I am SO thankful for the roommate I have now, who is awesome.

[PeasNCues]

I had a friend like this, except when she did it, it was because someone had told her something and that someone MUST be right. The way she worded it drive me nuts too. She wouldn't come out and say you were wrong, she'd just be really condescending about it and will not let it go!

Her: So-and-so said that if you tickeled rabbits the right way, they'd grow wings and fly!
Me: Actually, that's not true. Rabbits can't grow wings.
Her: ... So-and-so is a vet tech, so...
Me: So?
Her: Well, it's just this is kind of his field...
Me: Oh, so he specifically studies rabbits? I wonder where he heard that rabbits grow wings, because it says right here in this book by Famous Rabbit Expert that this is simply not true in any way.
Her: Well, he doesn't study rabbits specifically, but he know these kinds of things. So, I believe it.
Me: Okay
Her: Because he wouldn't say it if it weren't true.
Me: Okay, *bean dips*
Her: So maybe you should check your sources.
Me: Famous Rabbit Expert is considered the top in the field in all of the US and most of Europe.
Her: Still... so-and-so knows these things.
Me: *bangs head on table*

[Shopaholic]

Oh, I love it when people think so-and-so must know something because he is a whatever.

I had one of these a few years back (maybe I mentioned it).
After a very filling dinner, Doctor joked that people should also have five stomaches like cows.
Being a recent biology grad, I piped up "four!".
At which Woman turns to me and says "he's a doctor!" complete with emphasis and pitying look.

(Good thing I heard about jher comment later via BF, because I may have just explained to her that cow physiology is a recommended subject for biologists, but definitely not for doctors. Maybe even with pictures )

[hot_shaker]

I had to haul out the medical encyclopedia with DH one day.  He was insisting men have one less rib than women, which was proof of his own religious belief.  "See the page labeled 'male skeleton' here?  See that all the ribs are paired?  Where is the missing one?"  He then tried to argue that maybe it was one pair less, so I made him count the ribs on the male skeleton and the female skeleton.  I'm fairly certain that it didn't change his views on evolution vs. religion (he tried to argue "But that's just a picture!"), but it did make him much more cautious about disseminating his dogma as 'truth'.

Okay, I've been lurking on this thread for a while but this is the one that made me go "Gaaah!!"

I have had that very same argument - with a fellow scientist no less!  I did an internship in a skeleton lab.  I saw male and female skeletons laid out, side by side.  I counted the ribs myself.  Don't tell me I'm wrong!  *deep breath*

I try really hard not to be a "know-it-all" but when I am right, I have a hard time letting it be.

[girlysprite]

Once, a guy on a subforum about science and boogy-science.

There was a woman who had a severly autistic son. The man kept insisting that it was due to heavy metals in his body, and that detox mud would make him normal again. No proof of course, no we just had to believe him because the mud made him feel so good! And then he would continue to berate that woman for not wanting the best for her child, keeping him in that state, and not putting the kid in that magic mud bath.
It was appalling. He ended up getting banned.  

Or people who have this stereotype in their head that all people who shop at a reform food shop (not exactly sure if thats the right word, but it's a shop where people can buy eco-friendly food without artificial additives). My brother is one of these types, who insist that all people who shop there are these vague hippy-like people with too much money.
"But mom shops there"
"But she is a bit vague too, but that's different."
"I shop there."
"But you're an exception."
"But my colleagues shop there."
"well they are different too, I'm talking about those other people."

At that point I just burst out in laughter.

[PeasNCues]

I try really hard not to be a "know-it-all" but when I am right, I have a hard time letting it be.

I only have problems letting it go when it's about rabbits. I think it's anything someone is passionate about - I can't stand people spreading false information about rabbits and it's hard for me to bite my tongue when I know I am right! lol!

[DangerMouth]

Once, a guy on a subforum about science and boogy-science.

There was a woman who had a severly autistic son. The man kept insisting that it was due to heavy metals in his body, and that detox mud would make him normal again. No proof of course, no we just had to believe him because the mud made him feel so good! And then he would continue to berate that woman for not wanting the best for her child, keeping him in that state, and not putting the kid in that magic mud bath.
It was appalling. He ended up getting banned.   

Back a few hundred years ago, before OSHA, there was a basis for 'water treatments' like they used to do with mental patients. Some mental isues were caused heavy metal poisoning, and water helped leach it from the body. They had no idea this was the reason it seemed to work, but it did. It's been suggested that Van Gogh was helped by these treatments.

/tangent

I only have problems letting it go when it's about rabbits. I think it's anything someone is passionate about - I can't stand people spreading false information about rabbits and it's hard for me to bite my tongue when I know I am right! lol!

LOL, I'm picturing people spready nasty gossip about bunnies

But I heard that you can make a rabbit 'faint' by flipping it over and stroking it's cheeks. True or hooey?

[lilfox]

My dad. Thinks his PhD also gives him an MD and a VMD (is that the correct term for a vet's degree?)

Funny, my mom thinks *my* PhD also gave me an MD and a DVM.     And because my field is psychology, I must also know clinical psychiatry (really really don't).  So every once in a while she asks me what this or that symptom means, whether it's a person's or cat's problem, or a physical or possibly mental problem.  Lucky for her I read a lot and like to play armchair diagnostician so I enjoy it.  But she doesn't just assume I'm right nor do I ever insist I know for sure!

[MRSW]

I had to haul out the medical encyclopedia with DH one day.  He was insisting men have one less rib than women, which was proof of his own religious belief.  "See the page labeled 'male skeleton' here?  See that all the ribs are paired?  Where is the missing one?"  He then tried to argue that maybe it was one pair less, so I made him count the ribs on the male skeleton and the female skeleton.  I'm fairly certain that it didn't change his views on evolution vs. religion (he tried to argue "But that's just a picture!"), but it did make him much more cautious about disseminating his dogma as 'truth'.

Okay, I've been lurking on this thread for a while but this is the one that made me go "Gaaah!!"

I have had that very same argument - with a fellow scientist no less!  I did an internship in a skeleton lab.  I saw male and female skeletons laid out, side by side.  I counted the ribs myself.  Don't tell me I'm wrong!  *deep breath*

I try really hard not to be a "know-it-all" but when I am right, I have a hard time letting it be.

You know...I don't mind someone who truly "knows-it-all" (on any given subject) corrects me.  What does get annoying is when the level of detail is such that only a person studying it in depth would understand.  I usually listen until my brain glazes over and then interject acknowledging the other person's right-ness. 

For example, my friend Amanda has her Master's in political science and knows much more about how politics work than I do.  I once mentioned something (wrong) about the way elections work in the US, and she corrected me.  Which was fine, until she kept going and going and going, talking for nearly an hour before I finally just told her I had to go and ended the call.  I don't remember the exact comment I'd made, but it was cleared up about 2 mins into the conversation.  Enough already.