Author Topic: Captain Know-It-All stories  (Read 158879 times)

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Everlee

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #90 on: November 29, 2010, 05:48:50 PM »

SO: You're too hot. Vent a toe.
Me: I'm not too hot, you're too hot. You vent a toe.
SO: NutMeg, trust me. You're overheating. You need to vent your foot.
Me: SO, do you know how infuriating it is to have someone else try to tell you what your own body is feeling? Repeat after me. I. AM. NOT. HOT.
SO: NutMeg, we have this argument a lot. See? You're sweating.
Me: SO, I'm going to kill you soon. The only sweat is where we're touching, the rest of me is fine. Oddly enough, there is sweat all over your body. Now go away and leave me alone. I'm not snuggling with you anymore.

This conversation had me rolling!  Has he done it?  Does he really think it works?  If my husband kept doing that to me, I would tell him he'll have no problem venting a toe when I cut it off.   >:D

NutMeg

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #91 on: November 29, 2010, 08:56:02 PM »

SO: You're too hot. Vent a toe.
Me: I'm not too hot, you're too hot. You vent a toe.
SO: NutMeg, trust me. You're overheating. You need to vent your foot.
Me: SO, do you know how infuriating it is to have someone else try to tell you what your own body is feeling? Repeat after me. I. AM. NOT. HOT.
SO: NutMeg, we have this argument a lot. See? You're sweating.
Me: SO, I'm going to kill you soon. The only sweat is where we're touching, the rest of me is fine. Oddly enough, there is sweat all over your body. Now go away and leave me alone. I'm not snuggling with you anymore.

This conversation had me rolling!  Has he done it?  Does he really think it works?  If my husband kept doing that to me, I would tell him he'll have no problem venting a toe when I cut it off.   >:D

Oh he always vents a toe. He just thinks that if venting a toe doesn't work, it's clearly because I need to vent a toe as well, not because he has too many blankets on.

I also love the phrase vent a toe. It makes me laugh, which is probably why I haven't killed him yet.
"You're hostages! This is a life-and-death situation here. Start acting like it! We're your captors. We're armed. There's rules. There's a whole school of etiquette to this!" - Dr. Daniel Jackson                

Wavicle

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #92 on: November 29, 2010, 09:00:01 PM »

SO: You're too hot. Vent a toe.
Me: I'm not too hot, you're too hot. You vent a toe.
SO: NutMeg, trust me. You're overheating. You need to vent your foot.
Me: SO, do you know how infuriating it is to have someone else try to tell you what your own body is feeling? Repeat after me. I. AM. NOT. HOT.
SO: NutMeg, we have this argument a lot. See? You're sweating.
Me: SO, I'm going to kill you soon. The only sweat is where we're touching, the rest of me is fine. Oddly enough, there is sweat all over your body. Now go away and leave me alone. I'm not snuggling with you anymore.

This conversation had me rolling!  Has he done it?  Does he really think it works?  If my husband kept doing that to me, I would tell him he'll have no problem venting a toe when I cut it off.   >:D

Oh he always vents a toe. He just thinks that if venting a toe doesn't work, it's clearly because I need to vent a toe as well, not because he has too many blankets on.

I also love the phrase vent a toe. It makes me laugh, which is probably why I haven't killed him yet.

Could you steal the blankets and tell him to go ahead and vent the whole body while you subject yourself to hyperthermia (which will strangely look a whole lot like you looking oh so cozy and happy rolled up with all the blankets to yourself)?

NutMeg

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #93 on: November 29, 2010, 10:51:46 PM »

SO: You're too hot. Vent a toe.
Me: I'm not too hot, you're too hot. You vent a toe.
SO: NutMeg, trust me. You're overheating. You need to vent your foot.
Me: SO, do you know how infuriating it is to have someone else try to tell you what your own body is feeling? Repeat after me. I. AM. NOT. HOT.
SO: NutMeg, we have this argument a lot. See? You're sweating.
Me: SO, I'm going to kill you soon. The only sweat is where we're touching, the rest of me is fine. Oddly enough, there is sweat all over your body. Now go away and leave me alone. I'm not snuggling with you anymore.

This conversation had me rolling!  Has he done it?  Does he really think it works?  If my husband kept doing that to me, I would tell him he'll have no problem venting a toe when I cut it off.   >:D

Oh he always vents a toe. He just thinks that if venting a toe doesn't work, it's clearly because I need to vent a toe as well, not because he has too many blankets on.

I also love the phrase vent a toe. It makes me laugh, which is probably why I haven't killed him yet.

Could you steal the blankets and tell him to go ahead and vent the whole body while you subject yourself to hyperthermia (which will strangely look a whole lot like you looking oh so cozy and happy rolled up with all the blankets to yourself)?

I usually do exactly what the conversation ends with. I get grumpy and roll away, and refuse to listen to future admonitions to vent a toe. Or I will stick my (usually freezing cold) toes on him and say something inflammatory like 'I'm too hot, am I? How do you like that??'
"You're hostages! This is a life-and-death situation here. Start acting like it! We're your captors. We're armed. There's rules. There's a whole school of etiquette to this!" - Dr. Daniel Jackson                

WolfWay

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #94 on: November 29, 2010, 10:58:33 PM »
My DS has a friend who is a serious believer in conspiracy theories.  Beyonce talks about an alter ego that (Sasha Fierce) she assumes during performances. this means she is possessed by a demon.  DS and I have used the ASL 'I love you' sign for years when we say goodbye; she insists that ASL was invented by Helen Keller, who was a member of the Illuminati, and the sign is actually a recognition sign for high ranking Satanists (or something, I got lost around this point).  I pointed out that while Helen Keller did use a finger alphabet to communicate with Annie Sullivan and her later companions, she was completely blind, and therefore a visual language like ASL wouldn't have been much use to her.  She refused to believe that HK was blind.

Oh dear. That sounds like an acquaintance of my best friend. I've never got to meet the person, although I so very much wish I had. Best friend passed along the highlights of her bizarre beliefs, which included a melding of Atlantis, aliens, UFOs, government conspiracies and the strongly held belief that Jesus was both the son of god and half alien. I so wanted to hear more about alien Jesus, but my friend says she got distracted about arguing how a volcano exploding could not possibly have caused Atlantis to sink below the earth's crust.
It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian Tiger - from a distance, preferably separated by bars . -- Pearls Before Swine (16-May-2009)

siamesecat2965

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #95 on: November 29, 2010, 11:03:09 PM »

Because of my sister's health issues she and her husband decided to build their new house so that it would be easily adaptable for someone using a walker or a wheelchair, e.g. wider doorways, grab bars in the bathrooms, etc.  Practically every builder who worked on her house told her she was lowering the resale value on their house by insisting on the innovations to make it easier to adapt.  She didn't fall for it; she got a copy of the Texas state building codes and studied it, to where she knew it as well as the builder, and whenever they'd tell her they couldn't do something by law she'd look it up, and 99% of the time they didn't know what they were talking about.  In fact, aside from the architect (who thought it was an excellent idea) and the person who put in her tile floors (who also thought it was an excellent idea) everyone else gave her a hard time.  Fortunately she's not one to back down, especially when she's done her homework and knows what she's talking about.  She told the person who put in her kitchen cabinets that if he didn't stop giving her a hard time about following the blueprints she'd fire his bu** and get someone else who would do it the right way.  Then the tile guy got after the cabinet guy, because the tile guy had referred him to Sis, and he felt that the tile guy was making him look bad.  He gave her a hard time about wanting the drawer for the knives to be on her left.  She told him, "I'm left-handed.  That's where I want the knife drawer."  Even after she told him why she wanted the knife drawer on the left he put it on the right, and she made him change it and not charge her for it since it was his mistake.  

She also said that she wasn't worried about resale value since, as she told me, "I'm not leaving that house until I'm carried out feet first."  You know, I'd hate to work for my sister.  Then again, maybe not.

My mom was told the same thing; she moved last spring, into a new house, and as it was under construction, she had them make a number of modifications for her (she is in a wheelchair).  For example, in the master bath, she had them leave out the tub, and make the shower a tad larger.  Instead of the double sink/vanity she has a double vanity, but one sink, and the other side is empty underneath, in effect making a vanity.  she then has an alcove where the tub would have gone, so she had it decked out with storage stuff and shelving.

People told her this would affect the resale value, but a. she said it's MY house now, and I want it so I can live here b. she's in an over 55 community, so chances are, someone else may find her mods just what they need or want!  Your sis sounds like my mom - you don't mess with her and tell her you can't do something :)

WolfWay

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #96 on: November 29, 2010, 11:06:01 PM »
My dad. Thinks his PhD also gives him an MD and a VMD (is that the correct term for a vet's degree?)

Funny, my mom thinks *my* PhD also gave me an MD and a DVM.   ;D 

My dad once tried the "My daughter is a doctor!" line on a pharmacist. He neglected to mention my PhD is not medical, it's in genetics.
It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian Tiger - from a distance, preferably separated by bars . -- Pearls Before Swine (16-May-2009)

Nora

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #97 on: November 30, 2010, 07:27:35 AM »
Could you steal the blankets and tell him to go ahead and vent the whole body while you subject yourself to hyperthermia (which will strangely look a whole lot like you looking oh so cozy and happy rolled up with all the blankets to yourself)?

I usually do exactly what the conversation ends with. I get grumpy and roll away, and refuse to listen to future admonitions to vent a toe. Or I will stick my (usually freezing cold) toes on him and say something inflammatory like 'I'm too hot, am I? How do you like that??'
[/quote]

Ahhh, marriage...  ;D
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FlyingBaconMouse

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #98 on: November 30, 2010, 11:52:47 AM »
Before Google was commonly available, I dated one of these guys. The only two times I ever managed to prove him wrong (that I can remember anyway)...

1) We got into an argument about the proper name for parts of the female anatomy  ???, an argument that went on for at least twenty minutes before I remembered I had a biology textbook and showed him a diagram. Actually having said parts apparently didn't qualify me to talk about it at all.  ::)

2) There was an argument about whether rabbits are rodents; fortunately, we were at the house of an actual biology major, so I was again able to dig up a book to prove they weren't. At that point (the argument had probably gone on for half an hour or more, and I'm not known for being talkative on social occasions!), I said "You know, just once I'd like to hear three little words from you when you're not right." He looked at me for a long second and said "How 'bout that?"
I don't kill threads, but I do seem to stun 'em pretty good. :-)

LeeLee88

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #99 on: November 30, 2010, 12:34:38 PM »
Yeah not all bunnies will trance.  ;D

You know, it's funny what you can learn!  I bred rabbits for years, and never had an instance of them trancing or anything.  Then again, the only times they got put on their backs were when they were being shown and I had to s*e*x* them for the judges (4H, anyone?).  They never seemed to really care about it either way, but that's because I was fast because I never felt comfortable displaying their no-nos  :P.  And the PP who mentioned carrying the rabbit with its head tucked into her arm: you got it!  That's how most of them love to be carried, especially the little ones.  They just want to feel secure, and if they can't see whatever's scaring them or might scare them, they do calm down a lot faster.  And now I miss my cuddly bunnies  :-[.

LeeLee88

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #100 on: November 30, 2010, 12:52:16 PM »
My dad is one of these sorts of folks.  He is very well-read, and very well-educated, but he does not know everything (although don't you dare try to tell him that, yeesh!).  I used to be like that too, but realized I sounded just as much of a jerk as my dad did when he would pontificate and drone about stuff, so I worked really hard to stop.  It still pops up, but that is rare, and I usually just bean-dip myself to stop  :P

The best one I can recall is when Dad actually argued with me over what my job pays.  I refused to tell him, and he kept going on and on until I said, "No, Dad, no one makes that much in this field unless they *own* the friggin' company!  I'm low-man on the totem pole; I only make $$ a year."  He told me I was wrong!  I asked him how he knew, and he claims he spoke to so-and-so, and looked at this site on the internet, and I asked to either hear from so-and-so, or see this site he went to.  Couldn't produce, and it was suddenly unimportant.  How about that?  ::)

We're having to go through the "know-it-all" phase with my Mom, who also is under the impression that she's a doctor >_<.  Ugh.  But she thinks I'm a lawyer too, and has told people that, so why should I be surprised?  Luckily, she's the only one who looks dumb when I say, "Oh no, I do legal work, but I am certainly not a lawyer myself.  Too much stress!" 

One Goat to Rule Them All

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #101 on: November 30, 2010, 01:52:43 PM »
My FIL is also into conspiracy theories big time. The US government is controlling the weather with H.A.A.R.P. is one of his more benign theories.

His latest theory is that Prince William is evil. He's a freemason, and he's going to bring about the one world government after Elizabeth abdicates in 2012, skips Charles, and has William instated on the throne.

I was able to warn my SIL about this latest theory before my FIL visited them recently, and she said she had a heck of a time avoiding engagement stories on the news so he wouldn't get set off (once he starts there's no going back!).

DangerMouth

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #102 on: November 30, 2010, 02:07:17 PM »
SO has a tendency to want to believe in conspiracy theories, mainly cuz he doesn't trust the government, but then has the good sense to ask himself "What are the odds of A) Incompetent goverment actually pulling this off, and B) Everyone involved keeping their mouth shut about it?" ;D

marksgirl

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #103 on: November 30, 2010, 03:16:38 PM »
My dad belives in conspiracy therioes as well about 9-11. He also belives a certain historical  event didn't happen and its hard to convince him otherwise. My sister and I have been trying for years.

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Nora

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Re: Captian Know-It-All stories
« Reply #104 on: November 30, 2010, 03:21:08 PM »
My dad belives in conspiracy therioes as well about 9-11. He also belives a certain historical  event didn't happen and its hard to convince him otherwise. My sister and I have been trying for years.

Oh, tell me it's not the moonlanding he doubts...
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.