Captain Know-It-All stories

[VorFemme]

I remember when I was pregnant with Daughter #2, and my unmarried, childless sister-in-law informed me that I was putting on far too much weight.  Stung, I said "I'm due in a few weeks, and I've only put on about twenty-five pounds.  That's not that much for a pregnant woman."  She scoffed "Who do you think you're fooling?  Babies only weigh about eight pounds, you know.  Nice try."

Plus the placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood supply, and all the you-know-what people keep dumping on pregnant women.......

[JennJenn68]

I remember when I was pregnant with Daughter #2, and my unmarried, childless sister-in-law informed me that I was putting on far too much weight.  Stung, I said "I'm due in a few weeks, and I've only put on about twenty-five pounds.  That's not that much for a pregnant woman."  She scoffed "Who do you think you're fooling?  Babies only weigh about eight pounds, you know.  Nice try."

Yeah.  As someone who literally dropped thirty-five pounds from before delivery to after delivery... I hope that you treated her to a derisive laugh, at the very least.  (The fact that my son weighed just over twelve pounds doesn't even cover half of it, obviously.)  Has your SIL finally gone through it herself and humbly apologized to you?  Sheesh.

[Iris]

I remember when I was pregnant with Daughter #2, and my unmarried, childless sister-in-law informed me that I was putting on far too much weight.  Stung, I said "I'm due in a few weeks, and I've only put on about twenty-five pounds.  That's not that much for a pregnant woman."  She scoffed "Who do you think you're fooling?  Babies only weigh about eight pounds, you know.  Nice try."

*sigh* Sometimes I think etiquette hell has helped me so much. "I'm a much politer and more civilised person" I say to myself.

Then I read a story like this and the only, and I *mean* the only reply that comes to mind in the first thirty seconds or so is "Well, yes, babies do only weigh about 8 pounds. But if you look at any reliable pregnancy book you'll find that it says that you should go scrabble yourself, so I'm not too worried about it. Thanks anyway."

Okay, thanks to etiquette hell I could probably avoid actually *saying* that by the simple yet handy trick of choking myself, but I'd still be thinking it...

[Diane AKA Traska]

Okay, does she think the womb contains *only* baby, and there's no liquid of any kind (water, for example, is 5.5 lbs/gallon), or anything else that can add weight?

[Diane AKA Traska]

I got another one!

I was talking with a group of colleagues the other day, including a woman who is due any minute now. I asked her how she felt and she said something to the effect of "40 weeks is pretty uncomfortable!" A guy in the group, CKIA, immediately chimed in "40 weeks?!? You're 4 weeks over due?" Pregnant friend laughed and said that 40 weeks is the usual length of a pregnancy. CKIA proceeded to argue with her and the 2 other mothers standing there that pregnancy was only 36 weeks, their obstetricians must be lying to them.

Somebody googled it and showed the results to CKIA on their smartphone and he responds that somebody must have faked the data on the internet to cover up an affair. I walked away at that point because clearly 3 women, their obstetricians and the internet must all be wrong or lying adulterers.

By the way, CKIA is single and is always looking to be set up. Anybody want a date with an expert on women's reproductive systems and marriages?

He might just be an expert in women's reproduction, really.  After all, he has eyewitness accounts of his own gastro-intestinal/waste-discharge system, from the inside no less.

Oh wow, you just won the Internet for the Best Phrasing on that one. Mind if I make a note of it for future reference?

Please, feel free.  I like utilizing overly complex verbiage when delivering a scathing retort.  It's fun to watch people puzzle what you just said.

[Lady Snowdon]

My FIL is very much a CKIA, and about the strangest things sometimes!  For example, he's convinced that the tree in front of his house is a Colorado Blue Spruce.  He sounded off for quite some time to my DH and I last year about it.  How rare they are.  How hard it is to keep them alive.  How much water they need. 

I finally couldn't take anymore and spoke up.  First off, it's not a Colorado Blue Spruce.  It's some kind of evergreen, but it's not a a blue spruce.  For one thing, it's not blue.  The needles are more of a dusty green color.  There's several feet of trunk bare at the base, which is very unusual for a blue spruce.  The needles on this tree are also kind of soft, and grow slanted, while a blue spruce's needles are pretty sharp and tend to stand out from the branch.  Secondly, even if this was a blue spruce, it's not rare.  They grow all over the northern hemisphere cause they look like Christmas trees!  They're pretty easy to keep alive, as evidenced by them growing all over the northern hemisphere. 

FIL stared at me, and when I was finished, announced, "Just because you grew up in Colorado doesn't mean you know about the treelife.  I know about all this".    Yep, because the beer distributor who lives in Minnesota knows all about Colorado vegetation.

[Luci]

Okay, does she think the womb contains *only* baby, and there's no liquid of any kind (water, for example, is 5.5 lbs/gallon), or anything else that can add weight?

A gallon of water is 8 lb, or 128 oz.

[mmswm]

We agreed to drive a gentleman we hadn't met on an 1800 mile trip recently. Fortunately, there were several days between our arrival at the job site and coming back home.

He really was very bright, knew a lot of trivial stuff, was generous and hardworking and quite creative in solving some of the difficulties we had at the job site. However, he apparently couldn't stand silence, so he would just pull out random facts. Actually, I never caught him in an error, but he just went on and on. After 18 hours of this, it was getting pretty grating. He finally started on how pi is a decimal that doesn't end.  I finally mentioned that 1/3 as a decimal is an irrational number, too, and that Lucas and I were both math ed majors in college. That kept him quiet for a bit, but his next topic was common English grammar errors that drive him nuts. Bingo! I expanded on that a little bit and was able to slip in that I had an English minor.

The rest of the trip was quite pleasant and most of the conversation was about all of our children and some of the other missions we had been on, with very little one-upmanship on either side.

A rational number  is defined as a real number that can be expressed as a ratio, a/b where a and b are both integers. 1/3 most certainly fits that definition and is absolutely not irrational.  An irrational number is defined as a number that is not rational.  The less rigorous definition that is often used in lower level mathematics for an irrational number is a number that, when expressed as a decimal, neither terminates or repeats.  It only takes a bit of calculus to prove that a repeating decimal is, in fact, a rational number.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Okay, does she think the womb contains *only* baby, and there's no liquid of any kind (water, for example, is 5.5 lbs/gallon), or anything else that can add weight?

A gallon of water is 8 lb, or 128 oz.

Okay, I had a stupid moment.  I know it's 8.34 lbs, because I helped M figure this put back when M was doing stock work.  I have no idea where my brain plucked that from.

[Luci]

We agreed to drive a gentleman we hadn't met on an 1800 mile trip recently. Fortunately, there were several days between our arrival at the job site and coming back home.

He really was very bright, knew a lot of trivial stuff, was generous and hardworking and quite creative in solving some of the difficulties we had at the job site. However, he apparently couldn't stand silence, so he would just pull out random facts. Actually, I never caught him in an error, but he just went on and on. After 18 hours of this, it was getting pretty grating. He finally started on how pi is a decimal that doesn't end.  I finally mentioned that 1/3 as a decimal is an irrational number, too, and that Lucas and I were both math ed majors in college. That kept him quiet for a bit, but his next topic was common English grammar errors that drive him nuts. Bingo! I expanded on that a little bit and was able to slip in that I had an English minor.

The rest of the trip was quite pleasant and most of the conversation was about all of our children and some of the other missions we had been on, with very little one-upmanship on either side.

A rational number  is defined as a real number that can be expressed as a ratio, a/b where a and b are both integers. 1/3 most certainly fits that definition and is absolutely not irrational.  An irrational number is defined as a number that is not rational.  The less rigorous definition that is often used in lower level mathematics for an irrational number is a number that, when expressed as a decimal, neither terminates or repeats.  It only takes a bit of calculus to prove that a repeating decimal is, in fact, a rational number.

Thank you for expanding on that. 1/3 is a repeating decimal.

[Adelaide]

My (ex) friend took a graduate course in law while she was still an undergrad. Naturally, this class made her walk around as if she'd been appointed to the Supreme Court. She'd ask questions like "What do you think of [current public policy]?" and I'd say "Yeah, I'm for it," to which she would go "ACTUALLY, [insert long-winded, elaborate argument to the contrary here]."  Eventually I stopped taking the bait.

[nayberry]

ohh thank you, this is the perfect thread.

i'd like to add my FiL to it aka CFILKIA  he insists he knows more about EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT than anyone else! 

in particular, i worked for distributor A (names changed to protect the innocent ) we needed widget 1, the ONLY source we had of widget 1 was from the manufacturing line, there was quite literally NO OTHER WAY to get these unless we waited over 6 months for a possible shipment.

However..... as i explained this predicament and the fact that we were very grateful to manufacturer for helping us get widget/s FiL stated "Cow Manure!",  "excuse me?" said i,  "i can get those,  look here on alternate-(but not suitable for what we need)-manufactured widget site"
Me -" yes they are ok for a short time whilst we wait for the widgets from Manufacturer, but long term they aren't...", "Cow Manure!"

and repeat ad infinitum.........

in the end (pre my e-hell days) i stood up, said i wasn't aware he'd started working where i had, when had he started? (snide smile) followed by, shut up you (un e-hell approved swear word)  and said goodbye to MiL and hubby & i left,  not before hubby told FiL to shut up (in many other words...)

[misha412]

I met a CKIA today.

My fiance (call him Don) and I are friends with a couple who run a computer stall in a local flea market. We ran by there about noon to drop something and visit a few minutes. (Business is slow for them during the winter months so visiting usually does not interfere with their customers.) We come in and Nick is working on a customer's computer. No big deal. We say hi to the woman in this couple (call her Sara) and stand off to the side while Nick is dealing with the customer (aka CKIA).

Now Nick has decades of experience working on computers of all sorts. CKIA had brought his laptop into the store because of screen problems. Nick is trying to take the laptop apart to do a screen replacement. This laptop is a maze of tiny screws, hidden clips, and wires going everywhere. It is a puzzle of the best proportions.

What was the problem? CKIA was standing over Nick while he was working asking him why he was doing this or that. "Why do you need to remove the keyboard?" "Why are you taking the screws out of the back of the computer?" "Why are you using a knife?" "I would not do it that way." CKIA had an opinion or question about every move Nick made. It was at the point Nick couldn't get anything done because of CKIA's interference.

My fiance, Don, sees Nick's problem and tries to distract CKIA by talking to him. The idea was to give Nick room to get the work done without constantly talking to CKIA. Don asks CKIA what he did for a living. Apparently he was a former law enforcement officer who had studied many topics over the years.

After talking about himself for a bit, CKIA goes off on a 30 minute monologue (I am NOT kidding) on his personal philosophy on the universe. It mixed psychology, law enforcement, politics, religion, and several other topics.

There was no room for anyone else to talk. Don tried to steer the conversation to other topics, but this guy would not be deterred. He just kept on going. Sara and I were trying to chat separately from the guys, but CKIA's volume kept increasing to the point we were being drowned out.

Nick took advantage of the distraction and got the work done. After even more of CKIA's monologue, Nick finally scooted the guy out the door. All four of us were happy to see him go. Nick thanked Don for the distraction. The guy would likely still be hovering over Nick if we had not arrived.

[Softly Spoken]

I met a CKIA today.

My fiance (call him Don) and I are friends with a couple who run a computer stall in a local flea market. We ran by there about noon to drop something and visit a few minutes. (Business is slow for them during the winter months so visiting usually does not interfere with their customers.) We come in and Nick is working on a customer's computer. No big deal. We say hi to the woman in this couple (call her Sara) and stand off to the side while Nick is dealing with the customer (aka CKIA).

Now Nick has decades of experience working on computers of all sorts. CKIA had brought his laptop into the store because of screen problems. Nick is trying to take the laptop apart to do a screen replacement. This laptop is a maze of tiny screws, hidden clips, and wires going everywhere. It is a puzzle of the best proportions.

What was the problem? CKIA was standing over Nick while he was working asking him why he was doing this or that. "Why do you need to remove the keyboard?" "Why are you taking the screws out of the back of the computer?" "Why are you using a knife?" "I would not do it that way." CKIA had an opinion or question about every move Nick made. It was at the point Nick couldn't get anything done because of CKIA's interference.

My fiance, Don, sees Nick's problem and tries to distract CKIA by talking to him. The idea was to give Nick room to get the work done without constantly talking to CKIA. Don asks CKIA what he did for a living. Apparently he was a former law enforcement officer who had studied many topics over the years.

After talking about himself for a bit, CKIA goes off on a 30 minute monologue (I am NOT kidding) on his personal philosophy on the universe. It mixed psychology, law enforcement, politics, religion, and several other topics.
[/u]
There was no room for anyone else to talk. Don tried to steer the conversation to other topics, but this guy would not be deterred. He just kept on going. Sara and I were trying to chat separately from the guys, but CKIA's volume kept increasing to the point we were being drowned out.

Nick took advantage of the distraction and got the work done. After even more of CKIA's monologue, Nick finally scooted the guy out the door. All four of us were happy to see him go. Nick thanked Don for the distraction. The guy would likely still be hovering over Nick if we had not arrived.

I don't know if it is morbid fascination or plain old masochism, but part of me actually wants to hear what his personal philosophy was. Of course, spending 30 minutes foisting it on uninterested parties isn't appropriate...doesn't he have a crate on a street corner somewhere that he should be emoting from?

[Winterlight]

I met a CKIA today.

My fiance (call him Don) and I are friends with a couple who run a computer stall in a local flea market. We ran by there about noon to drop something and visit a few minutes. (Business is slow for them during the winter months so visiting usually does not interfere with their customers.) We come in and Nick is working on a customer's computer. No big deal. We say hi to the woman in this couple (call her Sara) and stand off to the side while Nick is dealing with the customer (aka CKIA).

Now Nick has decades of experience working on computers of all sorts. CKIA had brought his laptop into the store because of screen problems. Nick is trying to take the laptop apart to do a screen replacement. This laptop is a maze of tiny screws, hidden clips, and wires going everywhere. It is a puzzle of the best proportions.

What was the problem? CKIA was standing over Nick while he was working asking him why he was doing this or that. "Why do you need to remove the keyboard?" "Why are you taking the screws out of the back of the computer?" "Why are you using a knife?" "I would not do it that way." CKIA had an opinion or question about every move Nick made. It was at the point Nick couldn't get anything done because of CKIA's interference.

My fiance, Don, sees Nick's problem and tries to distract CKIA by talking to him. The idea was to give Nick room to get the work done without constantly talking to CKIA. Don asks CKIA what he did for a living. Apparently he was a former law enforcement officer who had studied many topics over the years.

After talking about himself for a bit, CKIA goes off on a 30 minute monologue (I am NOT kidding) on his personal philosophy on the universe. It mixed psychology, law enforcement, politics, religion, and several other topics.
[/u]
There was no room for anyone else to talk. Don tried to steer the conversation to other topics, but this guy would not be deterred. He just kept on going. Sara and I were trying to chat separately from the guys, but CKIA's volume kept increasing to the point we were being drowned out.

Nick took advantage of the distraction and got the work done. After even more of CKIA's monologue, Nick finally scooted the guy out the door. All four of us were happy to see him go. Nick thanked Don for the distraction. The guy would likely still be hovering over Nick if we had not arrived.

I don't know if it is morbid fascination or plain old masochism, but part of me actually wants to hear what his personal philosophy was. Of course, spending 30 minutes foisting it on uninterested parties isn't appropriate...doesn't he have a crate on a street corner somewhere that he should be emoting from?

I've always thought London's Speaker's Corner was a brilliant idea- people can pontificate and passersby know where to avoid!