Captain Know-It-All stories

[RingTailedLemur]

My dad's girlfriend once spent an entire dinner pontificating and correcting the other guests about what Italy is really like, and about German politics.  She has never been outside the U.S.

And the folks we were having dinner with were Germans who had lived a significant period of time in Italy.

I also had a biology teacher in high school read us an article from National Geographic about an important archological discovery of an early hominid (? if that's the right word?) skeleton. The article stated that the subject was female, which was determined by some characterisic of "the head of the femur".

She paused to explain that, "A femur is a small monkey that lives in Africa."

I couldn't help jumping in, since at that time I had not been through the CKIA recovery 12-step program.  But it did not endear me to my classmates.

I have to say that the urge to be a CKIA is never stronger than when I hear someone get words wrong like your biology teacher. The other day the lady behind the butcher's counter in my local supermarket kept on calling the Charolais beef 'Chevrolet'. My inner five-year-old was hopping around like a rubber ball, yelling 'tell her, that's wrong, she can't say that, it's the wrong word, that's a car, mommy, you tell her, she's wrong...' Tiring, I am.

I thought the small monkey was a lemur.....and I love National Geographic for their archeology stories......my ideal idle time reading material would be a wide screen laptop or LARGE tablet computer with their entire publication inventory (to include next month's issue, please) fed to it........

I have to plead "that's just the way I am" here.......where did I put that collection of National Geographic on CDs that I bought off eBay (it only goes up to December 2000, not May 2013)?

Yes, we are small monkeys - but we come from Madagascar, not Africa

Edit: I stand corrected - lemurs are prosimian primates.

[EllenS]

My dad's girlfriend once spent an entire dinner pontificating and correcting the other guests about what Italy is really like, and about German politics.  She has never been outside the U.S.

And the folks we were having dinner with were Germans who had lived a significant period of time in Italy.

I also had a biology teacher in high school read us an article from National Geographic about an important archological discovery of an early hominid (? if that's the right word?) skeleton. The article stated that the subject was female, which was determined by some characterisic of "the head of the femur".

She paused to explain that, "A femur is a small monkey that lives in Africa."

I couldn't help jumping in, since at that time I had not been through the CKIA recovery 12-step program.  But it did not endear me to my classmates.

I have to say that the urge to be a CKIA is never stronger than when I hear someone get words wrong like your biology teacher. The other day the lady behind the butcher's counter in my local supermarket kept on calling the Charolais beef 'Chevrolet'. My inner five-year-old was hopping around like a rubber ball, yelling 'tell her, that's wrong, she can't say that, it's the wrong word, that's a car, mommy, you tell her, she's wrong...' Tiring, I am.

I thought the small monkey was a lemur.....and I love National Geographic for their archeology stories......my ideal idle time reading material would be a wide screen laptop or LARGE tablet computer with their entire publication inventory (to include next month's issue, please) fed to it........

I have to plead "that's just the way I am" here.......where did I put that collection of National Geographic on CDs that I bought off eBay (it only goes up to December 2000, not May 2013)?

Yes, we are small monkeys - but we come from Madagascar, not Africa

Yes, the class really got 2 CKIA's for the price of one that day.  But at least I was right!

[Iris]

My dad's girlfriend once spent an entire dinner pontificating and correcting the other guests about what Italy is really like, and about German politics.  She has never been outside the U.S.

And the folks we were having dinner with were Germans who had lived a significant period of time in Italy.

I also had a biology teacher in high school read us an article from National Geographic about an important archological discovery of an early hominid (? if that's the right word?) skeleton. The article stated that the subject was female, which was determined by some characterisic of "the head of the femur".

She paused to explain that, "A femur is a small monkey that lives in Africa."

I couldn't help jumping in, since at that time I had not been through the CKIA recovery 12-step program.  But it did not endear me to my classmates.

I have to say that the urge to be a CKIA is never stronger than when I hear someone get words wrong like your biology teacher. The other day the lady behind the butcher's counter in my local supermarket kept on calling the Charolais beef 'Chevrolet'. My inner five-year-old was hopping around like a rubber ball, yelling 'tell her, that's wrong, she can't say that, it's the wrong word, that's a car, mommy, you tell her, she's wrong...' Tiring, I am.

I thought the small monkey was a lemur.....and I love National Geographic for their archeology stories......my ideal idle time reading material would be a wide screen laptop or LARGE tablet computer with their entire publication inventory (to include next month's issue, please) fed to it........

I have to plead "that's just the way I am" here.......where did I put that collection of National Geographic on CDs that I bought off eBay (it only goes up to December 2000, not May 2013)?

Yes, we are small monkeys - but we come from Madagascar, not Africa

Yes, the class really got 2 CKIA's for the price of one that day.  But at least I was right!

Sorry, but no. Just no. Chevrolet thing? Absolutely keep one's mouth shut. Telling a class of people you are supposed to be teaching that they determined that a skeleton was female based on the head of a small monkey? That doesn't even make SENSE. How did anyone else not say "Pardon me, but what? What does a monkey's head have to do with the gender of someone?" If I saw this go down in a classroom I wouldn't let it slide either. Since I pretend to be grown up and all I would find a way to correct them discreetly, but correct them I must.

"The subject was female which was determined by some characteristic of the head of the small monkey that lives in Africa"? Sheesh.

[Redsoil]

My dad's girlfriend once spent an entire dinner pontificating and correcting the other guests about what Italy is really like, and about German politics.  She has never been outside the U.S.

And the folks we were having dinner with were Germans who had lived a significant period of time in Italy.

I also had a biology teacher in high school read us an article from National Geographic about an important archological discovery of an early hominid (? if that's the right word?) skeleton. The article stated that the subject was female, which was determined by some characterisic of "the head of the femur".

She paused to explain that, "A femur is a small monkey that lives in Africa."

I couldn't help jumping in, since at that time I had not been through the CKIA recovery 12-step program.  But it did not endear me to my classmates.

I have to say that the urge to be a CKIA is never stronger than when I hear someone get words wrong like your biology teacher. The other day the lady behind the butcher's counter in my local supermarket kept on calling the Charolais beef 'Chevrolet'. My inner five-year-old was hopping around like a rubber ball, yelling 'tell her, that's wrong, she can't say that, it's the wrong word, that's a car, mommy, you tell her, she's wrong...' Tiring, I am.

*Snerks at the thought of my herd of Chevrolet cows!* 

[Diane AKA Traska]

My dad's girlfriend once spent an entire dinner pontificating and correcting the other guests about what Italy is really like, and about German politics.  She has never been outside the U.S.

And the folks we were having dinner with were Germans who had lived a significant period of time in Italy.

I also had a biology teacher in high school read us an article from National Geographic about an important archological discovery of an early hominid (? if that's the right word?) skeleton. The article stated that the subject was female, which was determined by some characterisic of "the head of the femur".

She paused to explain that, "A femur is a small monkey that lives in Africa."

I couldn't help jumping in, since at that time I had not been through the CKIA recovery 12-step program.  But it did not endear me to my classmates.

I have to say that the urge to be a CKIA is never stronger than when I hear someone get words wrong like your biology teacher. The other day the lady behind the butcher's counter in my local supermarket kept on calling the Charolais beef 'Chevrolet'. My inner five-year-old was hopping around like a rubber ball, yelling 'tell her, that's wrong, she can't say that, it's the wrong word, that's a car, mommy, you tell her, she's wrong...' Tiring, I am.

*Snerks at the thought of my herd of Chevrolet cows!* 

I'd bet the steering would be fantastic. They'd really mooove.  No bull.  And with those horns, and the leather interior...

Okay, I'm hoofing on out of here.  Maybe to Jersey...

[BB-VA]

My dad's girlfriend once spent an entire dinner pontificating and correcting the other guests about what Italy is really like, and about German politics.  She has never been outside the U.S.

And the folks we were having dinner with were Germans who had lived a significant period of time in Italy.

I also had a biology teacher in high school read us an article from National Geographic about an important archological discovery of an early hominid (? if that's the right word?) skeleton. The article stated that the subject was female, which was determined by some characterisic of "the head of the femur".

She paused to explain that, "A femur is a small monkey that lives in Africa."

I couldn't help jumping in, since at that time I had not been through the CKIA recovery 12-step program.  But it did not endear me to my classmates.

I have to say that the urge to be a CKIA is never stronger than when I hear someone get words wrong like your biology teacher. The other day the lady behind the butcher's counter in my local supermarket kept on calling the Charolais beef 'Chevrolet'. My inner five-year-old was hopping around like a rubber ball, yelling 'tell her, that's wrong, she can't say that, it's the wrong word, that's a car, mommy, you tell her, she's wrong...' Tiring, I am.

*Snerks at the thought of my herd of Chevrolet cows!* 

I'd bet the steering would be fantastic. They'd really mooove.  No bull.  And with those horns, and the leather interior...

Okay, I'm hoofing on out of here.  Maybe to Jersey...

Wouldn't that be a leather EXterior?

[TootsNYC]

I can absolutely see me asking for Chevrolet cheese because I was mildly too lazy to sort out the unfamiliar French and thought the "Chevrolet" thing was funny. And I like to play it dry, so not everyone would realize that it was a joke.

But I'm sure you observed expressions and tones of voice; I don't mean to imply that you're wrong.

[exitzero]

I can absolutely see me asking for Chevrolet cheese because I was mildly too lazy to sort out the unfamiliar French and thought the "Chevrolet" thing was funny. And I like to play it dry, so not everyone would realize that it was a joke.

But I'm sure you observed expressions and tones of voice; I don't mean to imply that you're wrong.

Kind of like how my family will like "Crab Racoons" at the Chinese restaurant. I have a friend who gets mad at me every time she orders them, because she has to stop and think of the right way to say it now.

[SamiHami]

Sheila Take a Bow, now I must know what that guy's name was.  To think you were in the company of such greatness and didn't appreciate it. 

Yes please!  May I get a private message if it would not be too much trouble?

Me too...I'd like to know who it is!

[SamiHami]

A couple years ago I listened to Keith Richard's autobiography on cds (I admit, I got it in that media because Johnny Depp reads part of it and so does Keith himself.)   Well in the book he talks about his past drug use and that he finally got clean back in the 70's.  Of the hard stuff anyway like heroin and coke, he might still smoke pot, I'm not sure. He also speaks of how he used to get clean by going cold turkey. 

Now there's been rumors that he had all his blood replaced in order to get clean, rumors that Keith debunks in his memoir and I was telling a former friend about this because he was a classic rock lover too and liked the Stones. 

"No that's not true! He did he did do that!"
"Nope, he got clean simply by going cold turkey.  Every time.  The rumor about his blood being replaced is just that, a rumor."
"But it IS true, I know it!"
"Did you listen to the full book?"
"No, I don't have to, I know it!"

So apparently the guy thinks he knows Keith Richard's life better than I do.  And the guy's only a year and a half older than I am.

I always heard that it was Clapton that had the total blood replacement. I did a cursory google search but didn't find anything about it immediately.

[HoneyBee42]

So apparently a first baby cannot come early.
Ever.
Ever in the history of babies arriving.

Yes, Captain Know-It-All just informed me that there is no way on this Earth that my baby could possibly arrive early (in spite of the family history of babies appearing early and the irregular but getting stronger contractions I've had over the last few days) because first babies are *always* late.

The fact that I'm a first baby and was almost a month premature?

"Your mother must have got her dates mixed up."

I suppose he should have told my eldest son who came several (33) weeks early.  My next son came 5 (35) weeks early and my youngest made it full term (37 weeks) by 2 days. If it follows this pattern my next one will come at 39 weeks

Or my children--honestly, the closest I came to full term was when I carried twins to week 36, just because twin pregnancies count as reaching term if you get to week 36.  Otherwise, I have *never* been to term (and I am the mother of 4).

[CakeEater]

I went to buy fish at the deli yesterday and asked for two nile perch fillets. I could see that there were three in the case.

Deli lady asks if I'm sure I want two because they're quite big. I'm planning to feed myelf, my husband and two young children with the two fillets, but I don't tell her this - I just say, 'Yes, two please.'

So she puts the top one in the bag, and digs the bottom one out and says, 'I'll give you this one, it's a bit smaller.'

So apparently deli lady knew better than I did how much fish I'd be needing for dinner last night.

It wasn't that much smaller, so I didn't bother asking for the bigger fillet, but sheesh!

[Sirius]

I remember when I was pregnant with Daughter #2, and my unmarried, childless sister-in-law informed me that I was putting on far too much weight.  Stung, I said "I'm due in a few weeks, and I've only put on about twenty-five pounds.  That's not that much for a pregnant woman."  She scoffed "Who do you think you're fooling?  Babies only weigh about eight pounds, you know.  Nice try."

Plus the placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood supply, and all the you-know-what people keep dumping on pregnant women.......

My younger sister was very sick her last two months, and she only gained a total of 10 pounds with her first pregnancy.  6.5 pounds of that was baby. 

[StarDrifter]

I remember when I was pregnant with Daughter #2, and my unmarried, childless sister-in-law informed me that I was putting on far too much weight.  Stung, I said "I'm due in a few weeks, and I've only put on about twenty-five pounds.  That's not that much for a pregnant woman."  She scoffed "Who do you think you're fooling?  Babies only weigh about eight pounds, you know.  Nice try."

Plus the placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood supply, and all the you-know-what people keep dumping on pregnant women.......

My younger sister was very sick her last two months, and she only gained a total of 10 pounds with her first pregnancy.  6.5 pounds of that was baby.

Shalamar, someone tried to tell me that I've gained 'too much weight' in this pregnancy the other day when I was at a wedding... in a dress that I haven't actually fitted into in almost 3 years because I was too big. This person was most upset and accused me of lying when I pointed out that I've actually *lost* 10kgs (about 25 pounds, I think?) during this pregnancy and am still wearing the same jeans and tops that I've owned for years.

I think I broke their brain, because you can't possibly LOSE weight when you're pregnant! (Hint- when you spend the first 4.5 months vomiting up everything you eat and then the rest of the pregnancy craving things like cornflakes and apples rather than chocolate, yes, you can lose weight!)

[iridaceae]

Lemurs are prosimian primates; they aren't monkeys.