Dealing with a mom that lies

[housewife2k]

Mondrian, First {{HUGS}}, I have an Idea of what you are going through, it is hard, but you are doing the RIGHT thing by STANDING FIRM and not giving in to her. She is trying to control you. Keep hard copies of all comuntications, don't let her see you or talk to you, and do not let her near your daughter. Make sure to keep the message where she states that she gave you your step-dads SSN, it may be needed incase she does try to press charges and denies doing it. If need be, call your step-dad and let him know what is going on, but DO NOT TALK TO HER. Stay strong, we love you.

[supernova]

{{{{hugs}}}}

That letter is a threat.  She is making threats.  Keep copies; consider talking to a lawyer.

I know how horrible you are feeling about this.  I'd tell you about my sister, but you probably don't want me to add my drama to yours.    Just accept and understand that, at some point, you are going to have to cut her out in order for you and your child to have some sort of quality of life. 

I am so terribly sorry that you are having to go through this.  For some reason, toxic families tend to get even more stirred up around the holidays.

You won't ever have the mother that you always wanted.  But you can be the mother you always wanted.  Try and let that be some comfort to you.

More hugs,

     - saphie

[blue2000]

I would echo the advice of previous posters about NOT giving in. Not only for your own sake, but for your daughter's, as well.

It sounds like she is babbling threats at the moment because she sees this whole situation slipping out of her hands, and she wants to stop that. She will likely keep escalating her threats when you don't give in. She is crazy enough to believe you will be afraid of what she can do to you.

But she has already done one of the worst things she can do. She has proved she doesn't care about you.

I know you are hurting badly right now, and you really didn't want things to turn out this way. But I think it is time to call the lawyer and get his opinion on her messages. If she keeps calling you, you may have to get a restraining order.

Extra {{hugs}} to you and your daughter.

[LadyJaneinMD]

Well, I have no advice (my mother is dead!), but I will offer some hugs.  While my mother had her bad times, she was nothing like that.
But, you can give her one thing - an apology.

Before y'all jump on me....All you have to say is 'Mom, I'm sorry you're crazy'.  That's all.    *grin*

If you talk to her at all, that is. 

[ImperfctMe]

Mondrian,

This is such a horrible situation, but sadly, I'm sure it's not the first time you've experienced this sort of behaviour from your mother. My advice is to re-read the post made by KHerbert and follow it exactly. This poster works in a school, and has likely seen this type of situation before. Get yourself a good family court lawyer now, and follow their advice. I would also seek therapy, either through a therapist or a religious person you respect or some other venue, not just here online. You need to talk to someone face-to-face and have them tell you you're okay, you're doing the right thing, your mother is toxic. I would also advise not posting anything about this or your family on a webpage or blog or myspace page that can be traced back to you. Putting anything out there where your mother can read it will only continue to fuel the fire. I'm assuming she doesn't belong to this board, so that's ok, just don't respond or react to her in any way other than calmly and coolly. If you let her know she is getting your goat she's just going to keep stirring things up. As a previous poster said, if she's not getting a reaction from you she'll move on to other things.

Turn off the computer for a while, sit down with a piece of paper and write down a plan, i.e.,
1. Call police and file restraining order.
2. Find a lawyer.
3. Get proper forms notarized and copied, and submit them to school personnel.
4. etc....

Seeing it laid out might help make it seem easier to deal with. Hang in there. This is one of those, "What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger" life-changing events. Once you're on the other side of it all, you are going to see how strong you really are. ((((((hugs))))))

PS You might want to find a song that makes you feel all, "Yeah!" whether it's "I Will Survive!" or Metallica or whatever... play it whenever you need to be pumped up. When I was dealing with a serious illness I found listening to the same songs over and over made me feel more optimistic about getting through it.

[pinacoladasundae]

  I had a toxic grandmother from my father’s side. She loved to make my mother miserable by spinning a web of vicious lies about her and our family. When I was much younger my mother cut her out of our lives. I am thankful she cared about me so much to keep this person away from us. I am the oldest of four children and am the only one who actually remembers her passive manipulations. She once told my little brother and I to go out into the street. My five year old self said my mother would be upset (I did not yet understand the safety factor.) However she insisted and I felt I should listen to the “adult.” So she unlocked the door that my mother had bolted shut (by the way, my mother was in their kitchen cooking them dinner) and let us out. I do not think it was their intention to hurt us, only to make my mother look irresponsible. Thus we were let out. My grandmother then yelled at my mother for being irresponsible, but she right away knew what went on because she had bolted the door. This was not the first time she pulled such a dangerous stunt with her grandchildren, but mom made sure it was the last. We progressively stopped seeing them, until a few years ago we lost all contact. Once in a while we hear rumors of her saying what a horrible parent my mother is, but once one gets to know her, they know she is the best! I shared this story because I am know 21, and was once in your daughter’s shoes. Be warned, manipulative people know no bounds to get their ways. You are doing the right thing by her. All of the advice is good. Make sure you keep tabs on all that she is doing to you for legal purposes, and I wish you the best of luck 

[jfulle5]

"In spite of all the other stuff I just wanted to say I really like
the neckless and earings . I think you have something there and I
hope you can sell some of them. I would like one in Black when you
are talking to me again."

I make jewellry and sell it to local boutiques and one of my gifts to her for christmas was a necklace and earring set I gave her....

What should I make of this letter?

[gjcva1]

"In spite of all the other stuff I just wanted to say I really like
the neckless and earings . I think you have something there and I
hope you can sell some of them. I would like one in Black when you
are talking to me again."

I make jewellry and sell it to local boutiques and one of my gifts to her for christmas was a necklace and earring set I gave her....

What should I make of this letter?

is this all that was in the letter?  of course it's very nice that she recognized how lovely the jewelry that you made was.  but i don't much care for the little pings about "when you are talking to me again."

[jfulle5]

yep that was the whole of the letter. note she didnt offer to pay for it or anything and time and the materials are expensive...

[gjcva1]

yep that was the whole of the letter. note she didnt offer to pay for it or anything and time and the materials are expensive...

then i wouldn't pay a bit of attention to it.  especially since you obviously do "have something there" as you are already selling your designs.  Mondrian, i have to keep my temper here.  because your mother, and the way she is treating you, just ticks me off to the extreme!

not at all the same level of conflict, but my future daughter in law knew i needed a new wreath for my front door, so she made me one, and it is just lovely!  it was her first real craft project, and it came out so well!  she also made one for her mother.  her mother didn't like the wreath, and conveniently "lost it".  how in the hell do you lose a 24" diameter wreath?!  after all, i've managed to keep track of the one she made me for two years, and i hang it proudly.

pay no attention.  perhaps you can send your mother a prospectis as to how much a set in black will cost her (IF you talk to her again)?  (i'm so bad, i am really a bad person)

[Tabris]

Mondrian, since your mother has unfortunately discovered the existence of email and is using it every time a random thought pops into her head, would it be possible for you to filter all her emails into a special folder? Then not open them more than once every three days (if ever)?

The key in that last email from her is "when you are talking to me again." *When*. She's still attempting to exert control by implying that you are hysterical and eventually you will see the error of your ways. She is implying that you will back down. Please, prove her wrong.

[Bethalize]

yep that was the whole of the letter. note she didnt offer to pay for it or anything and time and the materials are expensive...

I have two suggestions. The first is to be open with your daughter about things. If they are old enough to to ask questions, they are old enough to hear the answers, and you shouldn't try and cover up for your mother because your children will know something is up. Inconsistency and knowing something is a lie is worse than a distasteful but not life-destroying truth. The second suggestions is to visit the Toxic Families forum on Delphooey when they are experts in this sort of situation having all gone through it themselves.

Good luck, and stay firm!

[RJeeves]

yep that was the whole of the letter. note she didnt offer to pay for it or anything and time and the materials are expensive...

Mondrian, please please please contact whoever this Mitchell person is and tell him about the loan and using his info.

Apologize! Grovel if you have to. Offer to repay it, whatever it takes. Because as soon as you naturalize this threat, your mother has absolutely not a single thing to hold over your head. After that, you can proceed as you choose but at least you won't be afraid and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Unless he is as insane and toxic as your mom is, this has gotta be a better way to handle it then waiting to see if your mom makes good on her blackmail.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out well.

[jfulle5]

yep that was the whole of the letter. note she didnt offer to pay for it or anything and time and the materials are expensive...

Mondrian, please please please contact whoever this Mitchell person is and tell him about the loan and using his info.

Apologize! Grovel if you have to. Offer to repay it, whatever it takes. Because as soon as you naturalize this threat, your mother has absolutely not a single thing to hold over your head. After that, you can proceed as you choose but at least you won't be afraid and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Unless he is as insane and toxic as your mom is, this has gotta be a better way to handle it then waiting to see if your mom makes good on her blackmail.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out well.

The loan was a student loan and it's already been consolidated and taken out of his name. I told her to go ahead and tell him just so she wouldnt have anything to hold over my head.

[jfulle5]

yep that was the whole of the letter. note she didnt offer to pay for it or anything and time and the materials are expensive...

I have two suggestions. The first is to be open with your daughter about things. If they are old enough to to ask questions, they are old enough to hear the answers, and you shouldn't try and cover up for your mother because your children will know something is up. Inconsistency and knowing something is a lie is worse than a distasteful but not life-destroying truth. The second suggestions is to visit the Toxic Families forum on Delphooey when they are experts in this sort of situation having all gone through it themselves.

Good luck, and stay firm!

What is the link to the site?