Dealing with a mom that lies

[jfulle5]

Ok here is the deal, the day before Christmas I get in a fight with my mom over how long I can stay at her house on Christmas day (it's a four hour round trip, we have two other places to go afterwards) so I say we can only about 2 hours. She hangs up on me and an email fight ensues, where I say "if you don't want me to come I wont" and she calls me the next morning and says "come and open presents and that's it." Skip forward to Christmas morning I open my brothers present to me and it's clearly items from my mom's back room (it's Mary Kay and my mom sells it) and a dusty old candle. I'm concerned that there is something wrong between me and my brother so after I leave I call her to ask what is wrong and she says "oh nothing he just didn't know what to get you so instead of $20 I told him to give you this smell good stuff I have." she knows I hate it and I can tell there is more to the story so I call my sister. She says my mom called and told everyone that I wasn't coming (which I never said) so not to get you anything. When your brother showed up and saw you were there he felt bad so mom said she had extra gifts she could give you.
Ok so here are my questions:
-How do I confront my mom that she lied twice
-What do I tell my brother? Should I tell him that I know what happened and its ok he just should have gotten me nothing at all instead of that?
Bah-humbug

[Lisbeth]

I think I'd let it go as far as your brother is concerned.

Concerning your mother: Never accept another invitation from her again.

[fklwmn]

You tell your brother thank you for thinking of you and for the lovely gift. End of story. You can tellhim you know what happened, but don't say he should have given you nothing rather than that, he obviously wanted to have something for you, but at no notice, it was all he could come up with. And probably mom directed him toward something that she knew you didn't really like in a PA move.

As for confronting your mom... will it do any good? Or will she only deny it and turn it into a he-sadi-she-said fest? If you really feel the need to do so then I'd say something along the lines of "Mom, I know that you told everyone I wasn't going to be at christmas this year and not to bring me a gift. I also know that in lying to everyone, you put Brother in an awkward position that made him feel like he had no choice other than giving me a gift from your back room. I'm not sure why you put so much effort into trying to ruin my christmas, but I wanted to let you know that you were not successful. I got my joy from the time I got to share with the family on Christmas, and it had nothing to do with the gifts that I recieved."

[Lauren]

Shouldn't your brothers present have been bought beforehand?

[madmusician]

My mom lies too. There's nothing you can do about it, but let the other sibs know that unless you let them know YOURSELF that you won't be at a function, no matter what mom says, you WILL be there. I'm sure they'll understand.

[jfulle5]

Shouldn't your brothers present have been bought beforehand?

He's going through a divorce and he just moved and he's horrible last minute. He bought everything the night before.

[jfulle5]

UPDATE: I followed the advice and told my brother I knew what was going on and it's ok. As for my mom she's turned everything around and tried to blame me for ruining christmas. She's a nut. She got on my myspace and made (condescending/horrible/complete lies) remarks about me and called me the liar so that all of my friends could see it...

Whats the best way to cut a toxic mother out of your life?

[mageofmyth]

Whats the best way to cut a toxic mother out of your life?

The best way is to quit talking to them, don't take their calls.  Changing your phone number helps, as does moving.  Just quit interacting with them.

[fklwmn]

UPDATE: I followed the advice and told my brother I knew what was going on and it's ok. As for my mom she's turned everything around and tried to blame me for ruining christmas. She's a nut. She got on my myspace and made (condescending/horrible/complete lies) remarks about me and called me the liar so that all of my friends could see it...

Whats the best way to cut a toxic mother out of your life?

Delete her from your friends' list, of course!

well, that was kind of tongue-in-cheek, but it would be a first step. If you have decide you really want to cut her out of your life, it shouldn't be so hard to do (except for emotionally, where you might struggle). Stop responding to her. Don't answer the phone when she calls and don't listen to her messages. Let your siblings know that you've had enough and you would prefer not to discuss your mother or her antics.

And delete her from your friends list. Or at the very least, set your comment settings so that you have to approve your commnts before they will appear. And delete the mean ones she left. ugh @ your mom! the myspace battle is junior high stuff!

[Balletmom]

Your mother goes on Myspace?

Well, you know what she is...and you probably know the saying about "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a change in the results."

I've recommended the Toxic In-Laws book to many people for dealing with really difficult, abusive people. The book does a good job explaining the difference between annoying, rude, or just clueless people--and truly toxic ones.

I bet the Toxic Parents book is the same way. It might really  help you take those steps to changing your relationship with her.

Also, The Dance of Anger, is invaluable. It's more about staying within relationships but changing the dynamics.

Hugs!

[jfulle5]

The worst thing about this situation is that she is putting my sister and brother in the middle of this and then using my daughter as a way of still trying to talk to me. Before my daughter was born I hadnt talked to her for years because of just this kind of thing. She's now sending me messages about how I'm a bad mother and i'm messing her up and all kinds of other crap...I'm ignoring her at this point...

[gjcva1]

The worst thing about this situation is that she is putting my sister and brother in the middle of this and then using my daughter as a way of still trying to talk to me. Before my daughter was born I hadnt talked to her for years because of just this kind of thing. She's now sending me messages about how I'm a bad mother and i'm messing her up and all kinds of other crap...I'm ignoring her at this point...

Mondrian,
i'm so sorry that you are in this situation.  if you do decide to speak to her, i hope that you will be able to speak only to this situation.  if you give her a laundry list of past hurts, it gives her more power.

as for what i would do in your position?  first, she would have no access to my daughter, and i would make that absolutely crystal clear as soon as you choose to speak to her.  she had her shot to be a mother, and from what you're posting, well....  you are actually protecting grandma's image.  your daughter will know soon enough how manipulating she is.  if she wishes to see your daughter at all, that hinges upon her treating you with respect.  if she can't do that....well you spent several years not speaking to her.  you can do that again.

oh yeah, and delete her permission to post on MySpace forthwith and immediately! 

[housewife2k]

The worst thing about this situation is that she is putting my sister and brother in the middle of this and then using my daughter as a way of still trying to talk to me. Before my daughter was born I hadnt talked to her for years because of just this kind of thing. She's now sending me messages about how I'm a bad mother and i'm messing her up and all kinds of other crap...I'm ignoring her at this point...

I had stopped communicating with my Dad and step-mom for about five years before I had OldestSon. When OldestSon was born, I started having dealings with them again, but about three months after SEcondSon's birth, I stopped calling them, talking to them, e-mailing them and started returning all letters unopened. They were starting to treat my kids the way they treated me, and I realized I could not let that happen. I also hated second guessing myself when it came to parenting because THEY said I was doing it wrong.  If you want her out of your life, let your siblings know not to talk to you about her and more importantly-not to talk about you or your daughter to her. Cut the strings, change any numbers that need changing, and be done with it. It's been two years since last my older two say my Dad and Step-mom- and they seem happier about it.

[jfulle5]

I'm at the end of my rope with this woman. I just got a voice mail from her saying she is going to seek legal custody or at least visitation and that she'll do anything to make my life miserable...wow I'm beyond knowing how to handle her. My car is in her name and she's trying to repo it now. (It's a 99, my high school graduation present then she made me pay for it) If she repo's it I'm actually ok with it because it's one less thing she can hold over my head...

[Balletmom]

I'm at the end of my rope with this woman. I just got a voice mail from her saying she is going to seek legal custody or at least visitation and that she'll do anything to make my life miserable...wow I'm beyond knowing how to handle her. My car is in her name and she's trying to repo it now. (It's a 99, my high school graduation present then she made me pay for it) If she repo's it I'm actually ok with it because it's one less thing she can hold over my head...

She'll have a very hard and expensive, if not impossible time, getting custody or visitation. To get custody of your daughter first your daughter would have to be removed from your care by your local child protective agency. She might be able to get them to come check on her but they will pretty quickly be able to tell it's a nuisance call, and they have far worse pressing needs.

Secondly, she can't just "get" visitation. That's a myth. The courts have ruled that if the parents choose not to have interaction with grandparents that's not a legal right for the grandparents. If one parent is deceased, the grandparents may sue for visitation, but the burden of proof is very, very high. (the parents of the deceased parent.)

IF you divorce, WHEN you get divorced, one of the parents can assign their visitation rights to their parents in case of their own death. But that has to be done at the time of the divorce custody settlements, and only with the agreement of the divorcing parent. If the divorcing parent doesn't agree to it, forget about it.

You, however, CAN file a restraining order on her. It's not the most enforceable thing (as domestic abuse cases show) but it does give you some leverage to use against her.

I think once she talks to a lawyer the bluster about the custody will die a rather death.

Good luck, don't let her words get to you, and hugs. (())