Dealing with a mom that lies

[housewife2k]

I'm at the end of my rope with this woman. I just got a voice mail from her saying she is going to seek legal custody or at least visitation and that she'll do anything to make my life miserable...wow I'm beyond knowing how to handle her. My car is in her name and she's trying to repo it now. (It's a 99, my high school graduation present then she made me pay for it) If she repo's it I'm actually ok with it because it's one less thing she can hold over my head...

My step-mom threatened to sue over visitation rights. First-not really doable, as a previous poster said. Secondly-as I was told by a custody attourney when I looked into my rights as a parent-the first thing a judge or ref will look at is the grandparents relationship with their child (that would be you and your mom in this case), your not having contact for multiple years before your daughter was born is a very big blinkie indicator that the relationship is not healthy, and can be used to deny her visitation. As long as you are alive, and your daughter is under eighteen, you can pretty effectiviley keep them apart.

[kherbert05]

I'm at the end of my rope with this woman. I just got a voice mail from her saying she is going to seek legal custody or at least visitation and that she'll do anything to make my life miserable...wow I'm beyond knowing how to handle her. My car is in her name and she's trying to repo it now. (It's a 99, my high school graduation present then she made me pay for it) If she repo's it I'm actually ok with it because it's one less thing she can hold over my head...

[/size]


I agree with the other posters, that she probably doesn't have a leg to stand on. There are some things I think you should do to protect your child.

Is your daughter ever in the care of another person - babysitters, day care, school? If the answer is yes, write a letter TODAY saying you Mother is to NEVER have contact with your children, have it notarized (school Secretaries in my school district are notaries try there) and give it to the caregivers and every teacher/staff member that supervises your child. Do not forget "specials" teachers (PE, Art, Music, Tech), who supervises recess (recess and PE very important because they are outside the building). If you ever listed your mother as an emergency contact - get that paper work back, shred it, and fill out new copies. Do NOT just cross her out - it might be mistaken as a change in phone numbers. Add a copy of the notarized letter to the emergency contact form. This is what we require of parents in similar situations at my school . It give everyone a heads up, and when we show the cops the paper work they will arrest people like your mom for tresspassing if they don't leave.

Print out the negative post from your my space page keep a copy and mail a copy to yourself certified mail. Save and print any emails, also save voice mails. Start a handwritten log of all harassment. Do NOT respond to your mother, do not answer the phone if she calls - until you talk to a lawyer.

Get a Lawyer NOW. If it is going to be a problem call the local bar association and see if they can direct you to community resources. You might also try the local school - their social worker might have a list of lawyers that do pro-bono (Sp) work to protect kids. Also the local abuse/domestic abuse hotlines might have leads. You are trying to protect your child from your mom. Hopefully a lawyer could get a restraining order for you. If you get a RO, get the proper paperwork to all caregivers of your child.

.

[blue2000]

First off I have to say {{{{hugs}}} and my total sympathy for having to deal with a nut like her.

Second, I too, have a mother who wouldn't know the truth if it bit her, and gets very PA over it, and I know how hard it is to limit (or sever) contact.

Chances are your mother will not go so far as to take you to court over your daughter or your car. Too much trouble for something she wouldn't likely win. But she will tell you she is, because she's trying to push your buttons.

And if she's anything like mine, she will most certainly continue to tell people tales about you, and attempt to get them to take her side.

That's the big thing about the lies and the alleged custody battle. She wants CONTROL of you. And if at all possible, your daughter and the rest of the family.

When you didn't want to do what SHE wanted at Christmas, she felt her control slipping, and freaked out. Now she's trying to regain it. I would echo the advice of other posters, and say you should make sure she isn't listed on any emergency forms, and is specifically not allowed to have contact with your daughter without your permission.

If you truly want to cut her off entirely, contact the rest of the immediate family and tell them what you are doing and why (the short version, of course) so when she calls them to scream and yell, and throw tantrums, they know what's really going on.
And check to see if you have any receipts for the money you gave her for the car. If she wants it back, she would legally have to return your money. If it's not a battle you care to fight, tell her so. She may still take it, but she's less likely to bother with it if she knows it won't upset you.
I would also second the advice of other posters with regards to saving the Myspace message, and any emails, phone messages, etc. If she spreads lies about you to lawyers, work, or other authority figures, this will provide clear evidence of her insanity.

Good luck!! You know we are all behind you!!

[gjcva1]

oh good golly gosh, Mondrian. echo all advice you received above. do NOT talk to your mother, print out all e-mails and the posting on my space, and contact a lawyer.  and if you have a receipt for that car, guard it like gold.  the very MOST you will allow is supervised visitation with your daughter and her grandmother, with a social worker present at all times.

[Slartibartfast]

Some of the advice given above may not apply to you yet - it sounds like this woman has the potential to be a real nuisance, but so far she hasn't endangered your daughter just given an empty threat, which some people do when mad.

If you want her out of your daughter's life, DO contact your daughter's school and find out what you need to do to make sure your mother can't contact your daughter there.  Do this for any extra-curriculars, too (dance class, swimming lessons, and whatnot), and if your mother turns out to be a problem, make sure EVERY adult involved in your daughter's care knows.  If your mother is just bluffing, though, it seems to me that telling her music teacher and her gymnastics coach that you have a toxic mother would be unproductive, and possibly bad for your daughter's education.

Save whatever evidence you can about your mother's threats and irresponsibility, and do some research on legal representation in your area - but again, I don't think it's necessary to shell out $$$ for a lawyer until you see whether your mother is just a big bag of hot air.  If she tries to repo the car and you paid her for it, you can take her to small claims court (no lawyers necessary) to make her return your money.  This might be hard if you don't have some proof you paid, though.  Any custody claim she tries to raise will get laughed out of court unless she gets a very expensive lawyer and you're a drug-addicted alcoholic call girl with prior child abuse charges - I'm guessing that's not the case?  :-)

I won't say "don't worry," because worrying is part of being a mom, but don't worry too much.  Most of the time, people like your mother lose their power when you stop communicating with them.  If she can't get to you (and see that it's working), she'll move on to something else.

[jfulle5]

-I've never made a payment to her, i've always made the payment to the bank.
-She likes to twist words around such as I never said I didnt want her in my daughters life but now she's making it impossible for her to be.
-She's demanding an apology but I refuse, what would I be apologizing for?
-She says I've crossed some line, again I have no idea what she is talking about.
-I do have a lawyer, you never know what she is capible of...

Blue2000:
Your mother seems exactly like mine, how do you cope?

[kherbert05]

If your mother is just bluffing, though, it seems to me that telling her music teacher and her gymnastics coach that you have a toxic mother would be unproductive, and possibly bad for your daughter's education.

[/size]

When someone tells us they are having this type of problem - it doesn't reflect on the child at all. It makes us more aware of any acting out. Simply removing the grandmother from the emergency list would bann her removing the child from campus but not form volunteering. If she passed the background check, she would be allowed on campus. We have had someone try this tactic before - that is why we ask for the notarized letter. Then we can refuse to allow them to volunteer. Now if school personnel is unprofessional - that is another matter.

About the specials teachers, on our campus the music teacher is in a portable, coach is outside sometimes, and the art teacher is alone right next to an exit. I'm the only one with other teachers right there to help if I have a problem family member show up. That is why I suggested telling them directly. The classroom teacher should be notifying all staff responsible for a child about any problems, but sometimes it doesn't happen.

[blue2000]

-I've never made a payment to her, i've always made the payment to the bank.
-She likes to twist words around such as I never said I didnt want her in my daughters life but now she's making it impossible for her to be.
-She's demanding an apology but I refuse, what would I be apologizing for?
-She says I've crossed some line, again I have no idea what she is talking about.
-I do have a lawyer, you never know what she is capible of...

Blue2000:
Your mother seems exactly like mine, how do you cope?

If you made the payment to the bank, then there would be clear records. Which means if she wants to take the car, she hasn't got a chance. She may know this, or she may be lost in Fantasyland and you'd have to get the police/lawyer to tell her she can't have it.

As for how I cope...   ::sigh::

My mother is not allowed in my apartment anymore, nor is she allowed to have any sensitive/private info. I also don't go to her house, ride with her in her car, answer unexpected phone calls, or let her handle my posessions, unless it is unavoidable. This is because it usually turns out badly. If she wants to visit with me, I try to stick to public places, or a neutral relative's house.

I don't TELL her I don't allow these things. That goes back to the control issue. If I told her directly, she would freak! And she has a nasty history of making people's lives miserable for not letting her have what she wants.

I have (unfortunately) gotten to be pretty good at putting her off and blaming someone or something else. Ex. at the moment, she's trying to blackmail me into something. She may yet succeed, but I'm not going without a fight. I've told her I can't get any vacation time for this little plan of hers. And I put on a pretty good show, if I do say so myself. (she now believes my manager is a total grinch, but that's OK, he doesn't mind)
I slipped up and made her mad in the process, but she appears to have forgotten it BECAUSE SHE STILL THINKS SHE WILL GET WHAT SHE WANTS. That's the important thing in my mother's case. She will behave as long as she thinks it is possible to sweet talk me into something, or it is someone else's fault that I can't go along with her.

I hate lying to her. I'd rather just cut her off. But I can't right now, and it's going to take one heck of a fight when I do, because I've seen her in action.
When I do cut her off entirely (which you may be facing right now, since you can NOT let her think she will get custody of your daughter) I am going to talk to my brothers, and a few of my saner relatives, and let them know I'm cutting off contact. They won't approve of this, but it will at least give them a heads-up. And I'm going to make sure there are no connections left between us that she can manipulate.

You, on the other hand, have a connection. You have the car and your daughter. She knows these things are important to you. She's trying to regain her control through them. And she does sound very much like my mother on a rampage, in that she seems to be living in a fantasyland and you can't tell her anything. If she says the sky is green, and you show her the blue sky out the window, she would insist it looks greenish to her, or accuse you of changing it behind her back!

This is what the lawyer is for, to tell her she's not going to get away with this.

And you do need to watch her like a hawk! She will lie to relatives/authorities to get them on her side. They may let her have contact with your daughter, or info she isn't supposed to have, because she's told them things. Give them a heads-up, to let them know what you are going through. If they let her get away with things anyway, or they say they will because they believe her, then put the same restrictions on them that you would on her (ex., no unsupervised visits with your daughter, no telling them sensitive info).
She may also lie to your daughter, and try to manipulate her, ex. telling her "Grandma was going to take her someplace really fun, just the two of them, but mommy's being mean and won't let them go." You may have to sit down and have a brief talk with her to explain what is going on.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so.
{{{more hugs}}}}I really feel for you, going through this as a parent, because it is your daughter's safety at risk, as well as your own.
But you know we are all rooting for you! If there is anything we can do, just ask.

[jfulle5]

So my mom just sent me this letter:
"I am not trying to do any thing yet. you are making this bed and it won't have to be over serena . You have done enough that it won't have to be over Serena .when mitchell find out you got the loan behind his back. you try to say I helped you but you forget I don't do anything for you. Do you really think I would lose.You are starting to feel the way youmake me feel blaming me for all your problems. you make your own and now you see how it feels when some one is trying to hurt you . How does it feel to know I can hurt you like you like to do to me. Make no mistake. I can do more harm than you.I don't care if you ever apologize. But, you won't keep me from serena.You know what I am saying with the court talk. Showing you how it feel to hold something over your head or use like you use Serena to hurt me. It isn't nice is it you don't like it do you. Well I don't either. I don't like getting blamed for things I didn't do. I don't like you using Serena to hurt and get at me. I don't have to do anything to get you arrested just sit back and wait. I didn't say you were going to drop out of college and that isn't even what I ment think about it. Me trying to ruin my own daughters life. you mean the daught that can't stand her own mother. I believe in Hell and now is a good time for you to start thinking of the same place.After all the lieing and stealing and other stuff you have done so far in your life.And you are mad at me for what..... Has this been enough drama for you yet. ok I will leave you alone and Mitchell will be home tomorrow. Good luck.. "

So basically I was a juvenile delinquent growing up (gee figure that) and me mom is trying to get me arrested for it. Also the part about the loan: I was trying to get a student loan and my stepdad works offshore so my mom said use his info and it will be ok he wont mind. SHE GAVE ME HIS SS# and everything else. Any suggestions?

[jfulle5]

Just sent from my mom. PLEASE ADVISE?!!?! SHOULD I GIVE IN?


"1. I want you to apologize to me for all this poopadities you stired up.
2. I want that blog removed from your page.
3. I don't want you talking on your page about your family ever again'
4.I want you to apologize for calling me a crazy person.
5. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS REALLY YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME.
6. I want to know why this keeps happening and I don't want to here its my fault. or I am mean and hurtful and condesending that is BULL poopadities. and I want it today......
7. I want you to call your sister and tell her that you are sorry for what just happened and trying to get her in the middle of this. 8. And I want to know what real is bothering youand not just that I told Matt you weren't coming to Christmas or you think I lied. That too is Bull poopadities.
8.If you can't see fit to do this then I will let Mitchell know what is going on and then you will be on your own and he won't be just mad at me for giving you his SS#. He will be more than mad at you.
9. I want your picture back on my page and the block off of yours."

[Chartreuse]

Any suggestions?

Other than point out that your mom's acting like a word I cannot use on this forum?

Welcome to life with my own mother.  Toxic moms are famous for the guilt and manipulation routine to get you to do what they want you to do.  They never take credit for problems they cause, often ignore past issues with themselves, but heaven forbid you accidentally make mistakes or do something they deem wrong.

I know it's guilt inducing.  It's supposed to be, so you cave in and do what she wants.  I know it's emotionally screwy, but it's classic toxic mother rationale.  The key here is to see it for what it's worth:  nothing.  Her words hurt, and they're meant to.  She's just trying to make you do what she wants, at the expense of your feelings, dignity, and sanity.

The advice the others have given you is good.  You have to protect yourself and your daughter.  Your mother is not going to just suddenly wake up one morning and be a nice normal supportive family member.  I know that hurts to hear, but it's reality.  Of course, I still hold out hope for my own family, but deep down know that it's pointless and just causes more pain wondering when they'll clue in.

From my own experience, cutting off toxic family members can be a SERIOUS relief.  I've been barely on speaking terms with mine for years.  Now that I'm expecting my first child, I'm also worried about how they'd affect a little innocent kid, and I cringe at the idea.  You're not alone at all.

I'd suggest seriously considering looking into cutting her off.  It may seem like an extreme measure, but sometimes it is necessary.

[artk2002]

Just sent from my mom. PLEASE ADVISE?!!?! SHOULD I GIVE IN?

Absolutely not.  As others have said, repeatedly, this is all about her controlling you.  For your sanity, and your daughter's, file this one in the dead letter file.  No response, period.

[Rei-chan]

Mondrian, I feel so bad for you that you are going through this mess!!  {{HUGS}}

The others are right....cut her off and do it NOW.  Don't respond to anything she sends, etc.  Just keep all copies of this stuff:  make hard and data copies, keep voice mails/answering machine messages, etc.  Once you get enough of a paper trail on her, you can file for a restraining order if you have to.  My stepmonster is sorta like this, although I don't have kids yet, I am expecting a fight when she finds out that any child I have will not be allowed to be alone with her, ever.

I know this hurts because she is your Mom and we are supposed to be able to trust our parents.  It doesn't always work out that way though and you need to play hard ball with her, and show her she can't do this anymore, and that she will never have the chance to do this to your daughter.

Please keep us all posted, and let me know if there is anything I can do to help or advise.

[jfulle5]

and she wonders why I hate her! So I dunno what to do. I spent christmas night crying because all I've ever wanted is a real mom. Not What I have now. Lord only knows what she is ...

[gjcva1]

and she wonders why I hate her! So I dunno what to do. I spent christmas night crying because all I've ever wanted is a real mom. Not What I have now. Lord only knows what she is ...

Mondrian, i read your mother's latest list of demands.  i am a mother of adult children.  i cannot EVER see me sending such a list to either of my children, ever, under any circumstances.

please don't waste your tears.  she isn't worth it. unfortunately, we have to play the cards we're dealt.  you were dealt HER.  it sucks. totally. sucks. large.

take your mother's raising of you of what NOT to do with your own precious daughter.  and you know you have lots of love and support here.

now practical advice:  don't respond to that mess she sent.  print it out hardcopy as you hopefully have saved all such messages.  wait for the next list of demands, which i'm sure will come in the next couple of days. save that too, and all such messages.  IF this ends up going to court, you have an excellent case for her not getting custody or even visitation rights.  she should have neither.  she's a nutcase.

i have to tell you, Mondrian, i had to delete my first response before posting, i was just that angry at your mother.  that wouldn't have helped you in the least.  hang in there sweetie.