Author Topic: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time  (Read 5520 times)

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2littlemonkeys

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(Scene: Kitchen.  Cats are probably trying to bring me down by weaving in and out of my legs.)

Cats:  When are you going to feed us, we're STARVING!

Me: What do you mean feed you?  I fed you 40 minutes ago.  And you have a whole bowl full of dry food right there.

Cats: No you didn't.

Me:  Yes I did.  The bowls are right there.

Cats:  Those are from yesterday.

Me:  They are not.  They're from 40 minutes ago.

Cats:  No they're not.  They're from yesterday.

Me:  THEY ARE NOT!  Bongo, you still have food on your whiskers.

(Pause)

Bongo:  That's from yesterday.

Lady Snowdon

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2010, 12:00:49 PM »
The conversation with our dog generally goes something like this:

Dog: Give me the Foods! *dog launches himself into the air in excitement*

Us: We fed you 20 minutes ago

Dog: I am starving!  Give me the Foods!

Us: No, it's not time yet.

Dog: Fine.  You never feed me.  I haven't eaten since forever.

Us: You ate 20 minutes ago.

Pause

Dog: It wasn't enough.  Feed me again!

Ms_Cellany

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2010, 12:30:33 PM »
Mitten, the feral cat that we feed:

Oh boys! You've come out! That means you're probably going to feed me! I haven't eaten since Hannibal crossed the Alps!

Us: Yes we have. We fed you this morning.

Mitten: Well, not since Martin Luther posted his theses on the church door!

Us: This morning.

Mitten: Moon landing?

Us: This morning.

Mitten: Assassination attempt against Ronald Reagan?

Us: This morning.

Mitten: Obama's shellacking?

Us: This morning.

Mitten: *sighing*  this morning.  But I'd be happy to have more now!
Current fosters: Boojum (F, adult); Zuul (F); Magpie (M); Balrog (M); Nazgul (F)

supernova

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2010, 12:31:31 PM »
[SCENE:  Me, coming home after work]

Tiger-striped cat:  Timmy!  Timmy's in the well!  Come save Timmy!

Me:  Are you ok, little bug?  What's going on?

Tiger:  [wrapping around my ankles and noodging me toward my roommate's bedroom] Timmy!  It's Timmy!  Hurry, it's the end of the world!

Me:  Just let me put my bag down and I'll come. Honestly!

Tiger:  [heading toward the bedroom, stopping to turn back toward me and maow piteously every 3 steps] Pleeeeease!!!

Little Holstein cat: [curled up napping on roommate's bed] Oh FFS. I am NOT in the well, and my name is not Timmy.

Tiger:  [now in the bedroom, hovering over the food dish] Heeeeelp!

Me:  [following Tiger to the bedroom] Little bug. Your food and water dishes are full!

Tiger:  But...  but you can see the bottom of the food dish, in this one spot, here!

Me:  That's because you've pushed half the crunchies out of the bowl onto the carpet around it, and made a little divot.  There is a week's worth of crunchies, right there!

Tiger:  I'm STARVING.  I'm going to DIE!  [flops down beside the bowl, trying to look faint and wan, rather than tubby and panting from exertion]

Holstein:  I TOLD you that wouldn't work.


Julep

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2010, 12:33:31 PM »
At my house...

Cat: [sweet slo-mo headbutt] Good morning. [face rub against my leg as I'm sitting down to put on socks] Did you have a nice shower? [cuddle, cuddle, purr] Are you ready to go downstairs and feed me?

Me: Hubby left early this morning, didn't he feed you? Why are you being so sweet?

Cat: Oh no. [cuddle, purr] I'm really hungry. [patting my butt as I stand to put on jewelry] You look great today. You're welcome to pet me if you like.

Me: Hm. I could have sworn he said he was going to feed you. We'll see. C'mon. [finishing up, ready to head downstairs - hesitating so she'll go first and I won't trip over her on the way down the stairs.]

Cat: I'll walk with you, I'll -- woah, ok, let's go downstairs, go, go, go! Foodfoodfoodfoodfood! [standing up against the door to the closet where her food is kept]. Now you may scratch my head before you open this -- hey!

Me: [walking past her into the kitchen] Looks like he did!

Cat: [runs to me, then back to closet] Feed me, cuss it all to tarnation. [notices I've moved on to making my lunch, comes over, pats my leg] You need to -- HEY, LISTEN TO ME. [leg pats get more insistent]

Me: [finishing up, donning coat and gathering things to leave]. Bye! Have a good day! Don't burn down the place!

Cat: [sitting on stairs watching me through squinted eyes]: Oh, you'll see, human, you'll see......

PeasNCues

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2010, 12:42:29 PM »
In my house:

Moose: I disapprove of the state of this food bowl.
Me: What? Why, it's half full?
Moose: No! It's half empty! And it should be NO empty.
Me: I'm not filling it again, Moose, just eat what's there.
Moose: *pause* *knocks over bowl, spilling all the food* There, now is ALL empty.
Cookie: I'm not with him!
Me: Now you're just going to have to eat off the floor.
Moose: What?? Whose house is this, anyways *pouts*
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

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Bibliophile

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2010, 12:51:04 PM »
My house:

Toshio: RAWP! The food bowl is empty!  I'm never going to get fed ever, ever again!  Whoa is me!
Me: You just ate the last kibble.  It's been empty for 3 seconds.  Wait 3 more & I'll fill it again.
Toshio: You are a horrible, horrible human and I will teach you a lesson, but fill the bowl first!  I'm starving!  Help, my human is starving me!
Me:  ::)
Toshio: Gobble, gobble, gobble - gak!  There I ate too fast & now you get to clean up the gift I've left for you under the tree!  That'll teach you!  I should never see the bottom of the bowl!
Me:  :-X

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Hushabye

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2010, 02:25:18 PM »
[11 pm, I'm curled up in bed, the cats are on the prowl.]

Tesla: *sits beside my head purring loudly*  I'm hungry.
Me: *making vague shooing motions with one hand*  You have food.  It's in your bowl.  I looked on my way back here.
Tesla: But I'm hungry.  I need food.
Me: You have food.  Go eat it.
Tesla: I'm hungry.  Where's my food?
Prometheus: *wailing piteously from somewhere else in the house*  Where's the beef?!
Me: Did I lock him in somewhere?  What the heck?!  You HAVE food IN YOUR FOOD BOWL!
Prometheus: *continual piteous wailing, followed up by some scratching at something*
Me: Seriously, did he sneak into the bathroom and I locked him in?  Now I have to go find him.  *scramble out of bed, Tesla trotting smugly at my heels*
Prometheus: *appearing from nowhere to sit expectantly beside the (full) food bowl*  Food?
Tesla: *standing next to him, staring up at me*  Food?
Me: Yes, you idiots, you HAVE food.  Right next to you!  And you're not getting any more.  Now if you don't let me sleep, I'm going to shut you both in the Munchkin's room and you can have a long talk with the cactus in there.  Good night!

Ten minutes of crunching later, both are curled up next to me on the bed, snoring.  Apparently they're too dumb to eat without being reminded that they have food.  ::)

Ms_Shell

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2010, 02:32:27 PM »
Posting for updates because this thread is cracking me up.  I need a pet!
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LadyClaire

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2010, 02:42:51 PM »
Pre-moving and leaving Biscuit with DH's parents:

Me: *gets into car first thing in the morning, starts to reverse, sees goat in rearview mirror standing behind car. sighs, gets out of car*
"Come here, Biscuit. How did you get out this time? Get back into your pen!!"
Biscuit: "there's no food in my pen"
Me: "you're a GOAT. Your pen is full of food. grass...plants..small trees.."
Biscuit: "the neighbor's daffodils taste better."
Me: "do NOT go eat the neighbor's daffodils!"
Biscuit: "well, I already ate all of yours, so I don't have any left. The neighbor has tulips, too. Or should I say, the neighbor HAD tulips." *crunches something*
Me: *sigh* "Ok...guess..I'll be replacing some tulips. awesome. Now, get back into your pen!"
Biscuit: "No. I like it outside. You look nice..going to work, were you? Holding you up, am I? You know, if I squint, your car looks like a mountain..I bet I could hop up on it and survey the surrounding area to see if I can find any more tulips."
Me: "DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Come back here..don't you run away from me! Get back into your pen! Look, I have apricots!"
Biscuit: "did you say.....apricots?? and is that..a sandwich you have there, perhaps for your lunch today?"
Me: *waving sandwich* "come on..back to your pen...NOW..."

Post moving out, leaving Biscuit with DH's parents:

Me: *gets out of car with DH*
Biscuit: *sulk* "they never feed me, you know..and I got yelled at last week because I ate all of the cantaloup vines before they finished growing..but I had to! I was STARVING! Oh, and..don't ask about the hoof prints on your MIL's car. Just don't. It was the other goat, I swear"
Other Goat: "naaaah..not me"

camlan

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2010, 04:30:11 PM »
Fred gets a tablespoon of canned food at 6 pm.

Time: 5:50 pm. Scene: the home office. Players: Cammy (the human) and Fred (the fearless feline hunter of mice)

Fred: [jumps on desk and stares meaningfully at Cammy]

Cammy: [ignores Fred]

Fred: [head butt]

Cammy: Not for 9 minutes yet, young man.

Fred: [trying very, very hard to look thin and starving, which is difficult as the vet says he needs to lose two pounds] MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW

Cammy: Not working, buster. You need to wait.

Fred: [walks across keyboard]  MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW

Cammy: [various words the clergy do not know]

Fred: [attempts reverse walk across keyboard]  MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW

Cammy: [picks Fred up and puts him on floor]

Fred: [reaches up and gently kneads Cam's leg while purring madly]  MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW

Cam: If you're that hungry, go eat kibble.

Fred: [turns back in hurt silence; stares fixedly at doorway leading to kitchen]

It is now 6 pm. Cammy rises and heads to kitchen, tripping over Fred on the way. Open can of food is retrieved from refrigerator. Fred twines in and out of Cam's legs, making progress across kitchen floor to food bowl extremely difficult. Food is placed in bowl.

Fred: [Carefully sniffs and pats food. Determines that it is indeed the second-rate, chilled food from the morning can of food that has been left in the fridge. Stalks off to dining room and sits with his back to Cam in protest at cold food. He will return half an hour later to eat the now room-temperature offering.]

Sadly, this happens every single night. Every night. Fred must live in constant optimism that some day, I'll throw fortune to the winds and feed him entire cans of warm food twice a day.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


bopper

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2010, 04:42:12 PM »
The conversation with our dog generally goes something like this:

Dog: Give me the Foods! *dog launches himself into the air in excitement*

Us: We fed you 20 minutes ago

Dog: I am starving!  Give me the Foods!

Us: No, it's not time yet.

Dog: Fine.  You never feed me.  I haven't eaten since forever.

Us: You ate 20 minutes ago.

Pause

Dog: It wasn't enough.  Feed me again!

You must have a smart dog...I thought it would be more like:

Dog: Food! Food! I love Food! *dog launches himself into the air in excitement*

Us: We fed you 20 minutes ago

Dog: Food! Food! I love Food!

Us: No, it's not time yet.

Dog: Food! Food! I love Food!

Us: You ate 20 minutes ago.

Pause

Dog: Food! Food! I love Food!


Suze

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2010, 04:45:53 PM »
as I read this the "little starving kitty" is Merting at me to go fill a dish......

cause all the crunchy food is not good enough for her if I am home (I've seen her eat it when she doesn't think I am looking)
Reality is for people who lack Imagination

Wulfie

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2010, 05:43:39 PM »
Background: With 5 cats, we buy food in the big 20lb bags. It goes stale quickly left in the bag, so I pour it into a huge Rubbermaid tote. One upstairs and one downstairs, near each set of dishes. 

Lemur: FOOD!!! FOOD!!! FOOD!! I am STARVING! FEED ME!

Me: Do you want this? Holding out the cup that we feed them with.

Lemur: YES! I am STARVING! FEED ME! FEED ME!

Me: There is still quite a bit in your dish but it IS low.

Lemur: WE ARE STARVING! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!

I open the food container.  Lemur looks inside:

Lemur: I CAN SEE THE BOTTOM OF THE MAGIC FOOD CAN!!  (Panicked look on his face. He can furrow his brow and wrinkle his nose. He looks like a worried old man)

I looking inside, see a small bit of the bottom about the size of a dime. Food is mounded to the top on the sides.  Give the container a shake and the food falls in covering the hole.

Lemur: My mommy loves me: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I go downstairs where the rest of the cats are hanging out and check that dish.  Hmmm it is a bit low also. Spin the top of the container downstairs.  ROMP, ROMP, ROMP. The herd of elephants (Lemur) can be heard running from the dish upstairs, across the house, down the stairs.

Lemur: I’M STARVING, I’M STARVING…. Ooops, Hi Mom.

Other cats: You are an idiot

2littlemonkeys

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Re: Conversations The Cats and I Would Have If They Could Talk: Feeding Time
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2010, 05:50:20 PM »
LOL!  I'm glad I'm not the only one starving her cats daily.  Mine are of the opinion that if they can see parts of the bottom of the bowl, there's a food emergency.  They're also fond of pushing it out of the bowl and onto the floor.  I'm less than sympathetic.