sent photos of family occassion that I was excluded from. Do I stay silent?

[pinkypud]

So, do I stay silent?
I received an email this morning from my aunt (my mothers sister, - there are 3 sisters and a brother) including photos of my Grandmothers 90th birthday - which was yesterday.
Not all the family were there in person it seems but were able to contribute with special gifts homemade cakes etc as are listed in the email.
I did not know anything about it - and this morning I am in tears as I have been excluded and now have been embarrassed as well as I didn’t send anything special to contribute to the day.
A month ago I was sent an email to pass onto my parents.  It was sent from family friends via my aunt sending their regards.  I read it before printing it out and reading between the lines I noticed a special occasion mentioned only in passing, my grandmothers 90th.  I didn’t know anything about it, and then nor did my parents.
I emailed my uncle, he said he didn’t know anything about it either, (he is overseas) he would check and get back to me.  Had no reply so I assumed I was reading too much into it and there was no special event planned.

So question:  Do I stay silent?  I very nearly sent an email asking why I wasn’t invited and that I was frankly devastated.  But called my husband and he talked me out of it.
I think I should stay silent, but should I even acknowledge the email?  I acknowledged one from her the day before about another matter. She rarely emails actually, so now I’m thinking she was just setting me up to make sure I saw the next email.
I am thinking of sending my grandmother a belated gift for her special birthday, but should I make a song and dance about it on an email to everyone so they know I contributed?

Background: There is some family history here, my mum and one of her sisters have fallen out in the past, but at this aunts daughters wedding in October things were at least civil and we were all invited.  Everyone came to my wedding 6 years ago as well.  My grandmother also came to my Baby’s 1st birthday - 2 years ago. I would describe things as civil and a little distant as well.  My parents and I have always been on the periphery of these relations as they are quite different to us in that they are very materialistic and talk of money and not much else, leaving me feeling embarrassed on numerous occasions as they would question my finances. (They are also v rich, we are not) My brother is also excluded and ignored by them as he has a mental disability.  Thinking about it though we have of course been excluded plenty over the years I’m sure as we don’t fit in with them.  This is just another time but this time I have been sent picture evidence.  The email age just puts everything in your face dosent it?

[atirial]

To be honest I wouldn't challenge your family on this. They aren't going to change their ways and it sounds like an ongoing problem. If you do make a fuss over doing something for your gran they will probably simply ignore you, and I can't see any way it will improve the situation.

A better route might be to plan something special for your Grandmother - with your parents and brother if they were also excluded - and don't bother telling the family. After all, this is between you and your grandmother and it honestly does not affect them.

(My devious side says it also has the advantages that when the family start telling Gran that you forgot or something similar, she can correct them, not you, and that you don't need to contact them directly and get caught in an email storm.)

[pinkypud]

Thank you atirial, thats a wise reply.
I totally agree and I think thats what I will do.
It is an ongoing problem as you say, theres not much to be done and its up to us to organise our own ocassion.
Silence is the right response here, and no fuss about what we do.

[Lynda_34]

I would think if your small family planned events they would be less stressful and more enjoyable in the long run.

I worked very hard to stay friendly with all my ex's relatives as they were my children's relatives.  Now that my children are older I don't have to work as hard and can pick and choose who I spend time with.  It is t ime you started doing this.  Especially if they don't have similar interests.

[boxy]

Ouch.  Looks like you're caught in the crossfire.  I'm so sorry you were excluded.  It really sucks when other family members' disagreements end up hurting the innocent.  I feel bad for you.

[Stranger]

My brother is also excluded and ignored by them as he has a mental disability.

^

That would be the reason why I would apply the cut direct, quite frankly.

I gree with PP's. Do your own thing with GM.

[Raintree]

Have your own celebration with your grandmother, and tell her you didn't know about the other party otherwise you would have attended.

Then send your own pictures to the family members that excluded you, with a note saying "Thanks for the pictures of what looks like a lovely day. I would have loved to attend, but I didn't know about it. Here are some pictures of me and Grandma having our own celebration. Hope you like them as much as I liked yours!"

[Lisbeth]

I would just have a private, personal celebration with your grandmother and leave it at that.  If she asks why you weren't at the other one, you can tell her the truth: you weren't invited.

[Tia]

This is very late in the draw here.... but write that birthday down!!! Your mom should have known her mothers birthday was coming with or without party.

When I am late for birthdays I tend to find a thoughtful gift and joke with the person. I wink and say something like "saved the best for last" or "good things come to those who wait"  or my favorite "You always remember the person who was late, so why would I be anything other." The point is you remembered, Grandma might not remember yours either, people tend to forgive that.

That is very sad about your family but I wouldn't trouble Grandma with the drama. My Grandma always told me "If you like your hands clean don't play in the mud" which is of course in reference to people and their ways. I might be so bold as to set up an e-mail filter that returns to her address a generated message that says her e-mail could not be delivered. You can read all the funny messages as she bumbles about trying to get it to send and re-send. That is to say, family or not you have a right to dis-communicate anyone who disrespects you. You've got one life right now why let others tarnish it?