Author Topic: "No, I am not interested in having kids"  (Read 9085 times)

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Eisa

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"No, I am not interested in having kids"
« on: January 04, 2011, 03:54:07 AM »
Why is it that if you're relatively young [I'm 22], everyone thinks that you'll "change your mind when you get older" about having children?  ::)

My mom is the primary offender on this. Ever since my younger sister had a child [accidentally, I might add--lol, that sounds wrong, I just mean it was not planned by ANY means], she's periodically on my case about how she wants more grandchildren. She even told me that she would treat me better and buy me stuff if I was pregnant...and she didn't care how I did it. :o So I could just go find some random guy off the street, have sex with him, and get pregnant, and she would be 100% fine with that.  >:( Never mind I have a boyfriend and neither of us are interested in kids! [And he's a bit older than me, so he's had more time to settle...].

No matter how many times I try to calmly tell her that I do not want children, I have no interest in having children, and no, my opinion will not change, she is firmly convinced it will. I have tried to beandip when the subject comes up...she automatically reverts back to it. I'm trying not to get downright rude, but it's becoming more and more obnoxious every time she brings it up, and it's really starting to tick me off. Just because I'm 22 does not mean that I can't know I don't want kids! I have several reasons for not wanting children [not that she bothers to listen to any of them  ::) ], and I can't see any of those reasons changing for the foreseeable future.

The last time was yesterday. I was out with my mom, sister, her bf, and my nephew [who is almost 2]. My sister and her bf went to get a pizza, while everyone else stayed in the car. I leaned over my seat into the back and started playing with the baby and occupying him so he didn't fuss or get upset. Instead he kept giggling and smiling at me, it was adorable. :D It's awesome because every time he sees Auntie Eisa, he seems to go into paroxysms of joy. ;D

I admit that perhaps I used the wrong choice of words, because I ended up saying that playing with him evoked nice, warm, fuzzy feelings. The DANGER! sign went off when my mother said, in far too interested a tone of voice, "Oh?"

"Yes, Mom, of wanting to babysit him for a few hours!" :P

To which she heaved a gigantic disappointed sigh and said that she was just hoping I'd changed my mind.

Arrrgh. Is there another polite way to dissuade her when she brings this subject up again? A better way to beandip? Frost her with silence?

[Attack her with a frozen salmon? :D Ok, ok, so that last one isn't etiquette-approved...  >:D ]

I'm just...coming to my wits' end. I thought she understood and wouldn't bring up the subject anymore, but I was wrong. Apparently she wants more grandchildren and doesn't care how she gets them.  ::)

"And neither the angels in heaven above, nor the demons down under the sea can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee"
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MrsO

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2011, 04:34:54 AM »
I have no idea why people do this. It's strange, because when people say "I want to have children when I'm older," you don't hear cries of "ooh, you'll change your mind!" ???
I think the only solution is to not discuss it at all with her. "This topic is not up for discussion" or "It's really none of your business". You may feel harsh saying it, but I think it's time to get harsh to stop yourself from being harrassed over this!

cicero

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2011, 04:35:38 AM »
Why is it that if you're relatively young [I'm 22], everyone thinks that you'll "change your mind when you get older" about having children?  ::)

well the truth is that it *is* possible that you will change your mind - about this, and about other things - because we *do* evolve as we grow up.

but, that's neither here nor there. *right now* you are not interested in having kids, ever. and that's your decision and your choice.

the only way to get them to stop talking about it (once you've said that you are not interested) is to stop engaging. either bean dip, or just ignore (as in "i didn't hear that", you know, like if someone passes gas in public? we are supposed to pretend we didn't hear that).

so for example:
mom: "eisa, when are you going to give meeeeee a grandchild!!???!"
Eisa: <silence> or <oh mom, did i tell you that i have a chance to run for class president this year?>

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ydpubs

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2011, 04:53:54 AM »
I have known since I was a little kid that I NEVER wanted children. It is annoying, aggravating, insulting and maddening that anyone patronizes you with the "Oooooh, you'll change your mind" BS. And don't get me started on medical professionals and their attitudes if you want to get a procedure to permanently prevent pregnancy....  >:(

Well, I'm in my mid 40's now and the ole bio timebomb never went off. Guess I knew after all.  ::)

Family members, co-workers, friends, total strangers just looooooooove to badger you to death with all the reasons you will change your mind.

It's different when it's yours.
Who will take care of you when you are old?
You are just being selfish.
You are toooooo young, just wait until your bio clock flips on.
You'll change your mind when you find the right wo/man.

Blah, blah, blah.

Tell her she got her grandkids via your other sis and be happy with the grandkid she has. Other than that, if you want to avoid a verbal smackdown because she won't let up and your temper is getting short, then I'd avoid seeing her and tell her why you are not visiting her because being harassed constantly is unacceptable and until she stops, you can't be around her.
No matter where you go, there you are...

missmolly

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2011, 04:57:58 AM »
This is a sucky situation to be in, particularly when you can't even express enjoyment of your nephew's company without your mother getting on your case.

I would suggest employing a very simple but clear phrase like: "I have made my feelings clear, as have you. There is nothing further to discuss", and use a broken record technique.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

jassou

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2011, 05:04:11 AM »
Don't give reasons why you don't want children. For two reasons:

1) It allows your mother to give counter arguments as if she could convince you otherwise. It's none of her business.
2) Allow yourself to change your opinion. You may want children later on, you may never. Either way, you don't want people to annoy you with 'told you so', or 'how about all the reasons you listed earlier?'.

Just tell you mother that as far as grandchildren coming from you, she'll be the first to know when that time comes (and it may never), then beandip.

ClaireC79

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2011, 05:08:28 AM »
I probably wouldn't go into the 'don't want them ever' argument, for one thing it's an argument that can only ever be won after menopause.

Maybe if you just said you don't want a child , you're enjoying being an aunt and if she presses you then just say the time isn't right for you, if you never want kids it'll never be the right time for you but there's no point arguing about it.

Plus if she wants more grandchildren maybe you could drop a few hints to her about your nephew shouldn't be an only child and she can turn onto your sister for more grandchildren

Eisa

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2011, 05:41:30 AM »
Wow, I wasn't expecting so many responses so fast! :o

ydpubs--I strongly suspect that's what's going to happen. [I also have a strong feeling that if my feelings EVER changed--I would adopt. :P And I would adopt older kids.] I also dislike how if you're relatively young, they won't do anything to prevent you from ever becoming pregnant unless it's perhaps a medical necessity.

Also, I'm pretty sure my mother has said all of those things. "Oh you'll feel different when you have your own child!" I'm starting to feel grateful that I'm in a long distance relationship, or I'd suspect her of actively trying to get me pregnant! Or badgering my bf about it.  ::)

I feel bad about throwing my sister to the wolves, but I already kind of mentioned that if she wants anymore grandkids, she should look to her.  :-[ It's even worse for my sister right now as her IUD had to be removed recently-it had embedded itself in the uterine wall! :o  :-\ My mom's started hinting to her, too...

I think I will just tell her that it's not up for discussion, then. I am enjoying being aunt, I think my nephew is precious and adorable...and I know there's no way in ehell I want a baby, even if it's just like him. :D I'm quite content looking upon children from afar, as it were, and I don't think my mother gets that at all. I think part of it, too, might be that she regrets not having more kids--she got her tubes tied after she had my younger sister, and she seems to miss "babies" all the time...but she's also in her 50s and works an exhausting job, so I'm not sure where she would get the time to look after a baby now...she doesn't think about that part, methinks. :P

Also, that's a good point about her employing counter arguments. Her counter arguments tend to be...well, they don't work, but I'd rather not defend myself over and over, because it really IS pointless. She doesn't listen. She always has the excuse of "well your feelings will change but it's just like this now 'cause you're young."  >:( I'm pretty sure I know my own feelings on this. I suppose there's technically a chance that my thoughts will change, but it's about a .00001%! lol
"And neither the angels in heaven above, nor the demons down under the sea can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee"
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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2011, 05:58:09 AM »
I think that people do this because a lot of people do change their minds.

In my 20s I was in the never ever camp, but as I age I confess to the odd day where I think I wouldn't mind.  It's true there is a ticking clock!

Of course you know your own mind best of all, and just need to wheel out the phrases that kill the nagging dead.

magician5

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2011, 06:21:55 AM »
Feelings about having kids run deep ... far deeper than most people realize. And those who have children and adore them often (as you've found) can't avoid projecting their sentiments on those close to them. I know it's probably no comfort, but when they do this maybe you'll have to grit your teeth a bit and remember that they're doing it because they love you and find it hard to picture someone as wonderful as you not wanting such a joy and fulfillment in your life.

Of course, you don't see it as a joy and a fulfillment for yourself, and it's a lifetime decision, not a debate topic.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

Waltraud

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2011, 06:33:39 AM »
I think that people do this because a lot of people do change their minds.

In my 20s I was in the never ever camp, but as I age I confess to the odd day where I think I wouldn't mind.  It's true there is a ticking clock!

Of course you know your own mind best of all, and just need to wheel out the phrases that kill the nagging dead.

True, I also went from "Goodness, no!!!!" at 22 to "I wouldn't mind as long as I had enough money and a nice apartment to bring them up properly" now at cough30cough. Neither money nor apartment are an option at the moment though, which gives me a few more years to think about having kids before it is too late...

I keep telling nosy people that of course I'd like children and I find them adorable, but I find Golden Retriever puppies adorable as well and I wouldn't dream of getting one.  ;) (Basically for the same reasons: money and space...) This line seems to have reminded some folks that the wish to have children should be based on a more solid ground than "Squeee, cuute!!! Me want babies!"

I'm afraid I have no real advice except avoiding the topic. Or a monotone repetition of "This topic is not up for discussion TYVM..."

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Bexx27

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2011, 06:51:44 AM »
Do some research on adoption. Seriously. Educate yourself on the options available for adopting as an older parent so that when your mom brings up wanting more grandchildren you can discuss - at length  >:D - how she can get her wish. "Mom, I know you have a lot of love to give a child and I would love to see you get your wish! You know there are so many children in the foster system who need good homes..." When she tries to bring it back to you, deflect it back to her: "Mom, this is about your needs, not mine. I hear Guatemala is a great place to adopt..."
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Rosey

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2011, 07:41:11 AM »
Oy.

I would turn her logic back on her if I were you.

"Mom, if you don't think I'm mature enough to know whether or not I want children, I'm obviously not mature enough to have children."

I'm not at all suggesting you aren't mature or that you don't know whether or not you want children. I think your mother is implying otherwise.

Venus193

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2011, 08:03:21 AM »
Oy.

I would turn her logic back on her if I were you.

"Mom, if you don't think I'm mature enough to know whether or not I want children, I'm obviously not mature enough to have children."


I'm not at all suggesting you aren't mature or that you don't know whether or not you want children. I think your mother is implying otherwise.

I love this.  It's not only logical but original.  Should be a shocker.

OP, BTHT, and I know how you feel.

veryfluffy

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Re: "No, I am not interested in having kids"
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2011, 08:18:57 AM »
I think part of it, too, might be that she regrets not having more kids--she got her tubes tied after she had my younger sister, and she seems to miss "babies" all the time...but she's also in her 50s and works an exhausting job, so I'm not sure where she would get the time to look after a baby now...she doesn't think about that part, methinks. :P

I think you would be justified in pointing out to her that her nagging is about her, not about you. Does she realise she has a lot of suppressed anger and resentment on this? You can start moving this around, when she brings it up, and get her to think about this. She is trying to use you to have the children she wanted. You might even suggest that she could get counselling to resolve this.

(Interestingly, I have seen research that shows women who have had children are far more likely to regret being sterilised, than women who have never had children. They are far more likely to seek a reversal than someone childfree who has been sterilised.)