Author Topic: over-involved SIL  (Read 4719 times)

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Hanna

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2011, 01:42:12 PM »
I can't even begin to understand how that is a controversial topic that needs to be avoided, though.  Well... wait....
This SIL is a member of both families, so potentially separate b-day parties for each could get complicated for her, her DH and their kids.  Which one to attend? 

I'd just let him tell her it was simply an idea you two were throwing around, and that's something that isn't in the near future.

Hanna, were you responding to my post?  I can't quite tell, but I have more to say if you are. :)  If not, it's probably not terribly relevant. ;)

And I agree that separate birthday parties for the OP's SIL could be tricky, because she is a member of both families.
I was... just thinking that a comment like that would be considered idle chit-chat with most people, so I couldn't see any reason not to mention it, with normal people.  But then I thought of one reason that the SIL might have a reaction to it.  I wouldn't have made it an issue but then SIL may not have much else to give her time and attention.

I'm taking it from the OP that SIL wasn't just mentioning it in passing to her Brother but complaining.

Dindrane

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #16 on: January 05, 2011, 02:05:27 PM »
I can't even begin to understand how that is a controversial topic that needs to be avoided, though.  Well... wait....
This SIL is a member of both families, so potentially separate b-day parties for each could get complicated for her, her DH and their kids.  Which one to attend? 

I'd just let him tell her it was simply an idea you two were throwing around, and that's something that isn't in the near future.

Hanna, were you responding to my post?  I can't quite tell, but I have more to say if you are. :)  If not, it's probably not terribly relevant. ;)

And I agree that separate birthday parties for the OP's SIL could be tricky, because she is a member of both families.
I was... just thinking that a comment like that would be considered idle chit-chat with most people, so I couldn't see any reason not to mention it, with normal people.  But then I thought of one reason that the SIL might have a reaction to it.  I wouldn't have made it an issue but then SIL may not have much else to give her time and attention.

(I've responded to posts that I thought were responding to mine, even though they actually weren't, enough times that I just wanted to be sure. ;))

I don't think there's any real reason not to mention it, except that it sounds like the OP didn't really want her SIL to talk about it when she wasn't there.  My opinion, as a general thing, is that once you talk about anything at all, you can't really expect people to not talk about it unless you have asked them not to.

I also think it would be pretty natural for one's SIL to talk to her brother about a decision which presumably was made with his input, if he wasn't really part of the discussion initially.

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I'm taking it from the OP that SIL wasn't just mentioning it in passing to her Brother but complaining.

You're probably right.  I was a little bit confused about the post in general, and since the OP didn't say she was complaining, I wasn't really sure how she talked about it.  I'm still not completely clear on what exactly the chain of events was, but if I'm reading it correctly, it sounds like the OP's DH was wondering about why the OP talked about the separate birthday parties.

Either way, I don't think there's anything inherently controversial about what the OP was talking about, but she does seem to be bothered by other people discussing it.  If that's the case, her best bet is to just not bring it up herself.  I don't think the SIL talking to her brother about something which involves her brother is over-involved.  I also don't really think that it's an issue worth more than mild annoyance, either.  Even if there are other undercurrents and backstory that justified more annoyance, this is one thing I'd probably just let go.


Jan74

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2011, 02:50:55 PM »
Sorry to be OT but not really, but there is a bit of a disconnect in your post. You say that your DB and SIL2x have marital issues they blame on their families, but that your families got along fine during your wedding (which is a few hours long event, not during the duration of your marriage). Then this post is about you wanting to throw your hypothetical children 2 birthday parties, one with each family - which to me sounds like what somebody that tries their best to keep both families separated would do, to avoid the unpleasantness of having 2 sets of grandparents that don't get along there.

So, which is it? Do the 2 families get along just fine, and your SIL2x and DB are crazy when they blame them for any problems, in which case you'd want to spare yourself the trouble and expense of having 2 birthday parties (not to mention the confusion for your hypothetical child, who'd go "What do you mean, doesn't everyone get 2 birthday parties a year?"), or are they best kept separate, hence the plan to have 2 parties?

I'm confused.

Rosey

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #18 on: January 06, 2011, 08:01:54 AM »
I have to agree that I don't see the problem (posting to ask for clarification, not dogpile).

As far as I can tell, you talked to you 2xSIL, let's call her Veronica. Betty, your other SIL was also there. You told Betty and Veronica that you were considering separate birthday parties for your future children.

You are married to Veronica's brother, Joe. Veronica is married to your brother, Andrew.

Joe and Andrew were there when you talked about all of this, but they didn't hear you. Afterwards, Veronica spoke to Joe about the separate parties and expressed her disapproval.

Is that right?

If so, I think Veronica is allowed to talk to her brother about this because a)the hypothetical kids will still be her nieces and nephews, b)Joe is still her brother, and c)Joe was there anyway. Veronica could have just as easily expressed her disapproval with you there, but she waited for another time. As Joe's sister, I think that's okay for her to do.

Unless, of course, I'm missing something, which is entirely possible. I don't appreciate it when my SIL makes disparaging comments about my parenting plans, but my SIL tends to disapprove of a lot of what I do.  ::)

Jenny13

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #19 on: January 06, 2011, 10:57:30 AM »
Rosey, the way you put it is exactly the way I should have explained it.  My issue here is when having a conversation with someone with others in the room that are involved and just half mentioning something that probably wont be happening anyway for her to go to my DH and yes.....complain to him about our decisions is wrong.  This is not the only time she has said things to others or to us about others, and it's simply just rude.  Her children (my dear nieces that I love dearly) say things all the time that you would only hear from your parents that are so off colored it will hurt your feelings.  Yes, SIL is a nice lady and I get along with her fine, but she reacts to what others say and twists things to make you look bad and a lot of time time you will find yourself scrammbling to defend yourself when something comes up, such as DH asking me about seperate birthday parties.  I agree that this particular conversation wasn't the biggest deal, but I had to post because I sorta just "had it" with the way she gossips and assumes..... :-\
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Dindrane

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #20 on: January 06, 2011, 12:14:52 PM »
Then if such behavior bothers you, don't talk to her about anything you aren't prepared to hear her disapproval about.

You really can't control what she does -- all you can control is what information you give her.

Aside from that, it's only the complaining that is poor behavior on her part.  If she had talked to your DH about it, but not complained, her behavior would have been pretty much completely normal.


padua

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #21 on: January 06, 2011, 12:42:33 PM »
i think the problem is more that it appears you and your husband aren't on the same page. if my husband made a random comment in front of my siblings, they are more often than not going to come to me about it. hopefully, he and i will be on the same page and i would be able to back up what he said. as other posters stated, it's not unusual for us to choose our siblings rather than their spouses to discuss our concerns. however, the conversation wouldn't have been an issue if your husband was on the same page as you.